Author: Rabid Squirrel
Title: "Murphy's Law"
Disclaimer: If I actually owned BTVS, would I bother to write fanfiction? Seriously, Buffy and co. are owned by Joss Whedon, Kazui Productions, 20th Century Fox, and UPN, sick bastards all of them.
Summary: Follow-up to the travesty that was season 6. Answers questions such as: Why Spike is able to hit Buffy; why did Xander really leave Anya at the alter; where does Whistler get his wardrobe; and just what really is in a hot dog. (Just kidding about the hot dog – nobody knows what they hell they put in those)
Spoilers: Thru season 6, though my selective memory allows me to edit out or rewrite certain unsavory aspects. Also, this may be a crossover at some point, though I make no guarantees.
Rating: R, for violence, strong language, sexual content, the untimely demise of cute little puppies and bunny rabbits, and quite possibly the clubbing of baby seals. Sorry PETA, some animals were harmed in the writing of this story. Now, where did that dolphin get to….?
Dedication: To all B/Xers, who know that B/S is simply that - BS.
Feedback: Thanks again to all who have read and reviewed I appreciate the continued feedback.
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Chapter 7 An Empty Warehouse Downtown SunnydaleMicah Vagadis was not a patient man. To be honest, he wasn't man at all – hadn't been one in over 100 years now, and even in his human days had not been known for his patience. The fact that his minions were slow in waking tonight was not helping matters. The irritated vampire paced the floor, growling loudly, the threatening guttural sound acting as an alarm for the slumbering vampires scattered about the room. As a whole they woke, wary of the danger of keeping their master waiting for too long. Micah was not a demon to be trifled with, as evidenced by the pile of dust on the floor. Jerome had been a little too slow in learning that lesson the previous night.
The minions began to stir, stretching their dead limbs to shake off the sleep. It was getting harder to wake up every night, as the lack of food began to take its toll. For the past few weeks, the pickings had been particularly slim in Sunnydale. Maybe the humans were getting smarter, pondered Micah. He dismissed that thought out-of-hand. He'd been eating their kind for over a century, and, if anything, the human capacity for survival had only regressed during that time. Micah could still remember when knowledge of his kind among the humans was commonplace. It never ceased to amaze him what people could forget over the course of a few generations. No, it wasn't the humans that had shifted the balance of the food chain, it was something else entirely. He could sense it, could smell it in the air. For a while he had attributed the change to the Slayer, or whatever the hell she was these days. She had been on a tear for the past few months, dispatching his kind with an ease borne not of experience, but of hatred. There had been a time when Master vampires such as himself sought out the Slayer, seeking her head as a trophy. With the passing of the Master and the shaming of Vlad Dracul, that time had passed. The Slayer, at least this one, was something to be avoided at all costs, even is she wasn't responsible for their present problems.
Micah put that thought behind him. Out of sight, out of mind. That was his motto. He turned to the pathetic excuse of a mob he called his own, and beckoned them to follow him. It was time for dinner.
The demons followed his lead, flanking their master as they poured out into the streets. Micah, as always, would have first choice of the prey. The others could only hope that there was enough to go around. It wasn't always that way. Though it was rare, vampires had been known to die of starvation. The vampire social hierarchy was brutally Darwinian, and every bit as unforgiving as that of their human counterparts. The vampires had faith in their master, though, and did not fear such a fate. Micah would see to their continued survival.
The brood was completely in predator mode now, their hunting instincts taking over. As one, their senses came alive, their eyes, ears, and noses penetrating the darkness, searching for their prey. They could hear every human breath, feel the pulse of every heartbeat, see the slightest movement, and smell every drop of blood within a three block radius. They were nature's perfect predator, and they would prove so again tonight. Of that they had no doubt.
They continued on in silence, weaving their way among the myriad of alleys and back streets, some of their number taking to the rooftops to increase their field of vision. The brood bypassed the Bronze. It was still early, and they hoped to intercept the younger humans as they made their way on foot to the popular club. The young blood was sweeter, purer, uncorrupted. It was as ripe fruit plucked from the vine. The grief caused by the death of a child only sweetened the deal.
Tonight Micah's number two was on point. As a human, Jebediah had been a superb hunting guide, leading wealthy wannabe Davy Crockett's and Jim Bowies high into the Rocky Mountains on wild game expeditions. It was said that he could track a human from a mile away, even before he had been turned. As it was, that theory had never been tested. It made no matter, for his skill was evident to all who knew him. Seeing movement on the horizon, Jeb tensed, holding up a single hand to signal the others to stop. From his vantage point on the roof of yet another empty warehouse, he spotted them from over a thousand feet away, two teenage girls strolling down the road, chatting away, seemingly oblivious to what lie in wait just ahead. He was getting a strange reading off one of them, the lanky, attractive girl he had often seen around the Bronze. He dismissed it as insignificant. Maybe the girl was a seer, he mused. That was not unknown among the human population. He wondered idly if she could see her own death coming.
Jeb pushed the thought from his mind, returning to the task at hand. He stood perfectly still, his eyes tracking the progress of the girls as they came ever closer to the ambush he had set. Suck 'em in and blow 'em away, he thought, remembering his days with 3rd SOG in the highlands of Cambodia. On second thought, that's not quite right. How about, suck 'em in and suck 'em dry. He liked that one better. It had – what was the word – panache?
They were getting closer now. The girls had drawn to within a hundred feet of his position. The excitement began to build for Jeb; he could almost taste the kill now. He could hear their little hearts pumping away, shunting their delectable blood to various points within their fragile little bodies. He could hear their meaningless babble, could almost smell their minty-fresh breath. Jeb had to mentally will himself to hold still, lest he reveal his presence too soon, thereby incurring his master's wrath.
He prepared to drop down behind the girls as they passed directly below. He crouched down on the roof, gaining the leverage he needed to catapult himself over the edge of the parapet. They were within range now. Their fate had been chosen, and he was it. His muscles tensed, a smile spreading slowly across his face. Lambs to the slaughter, he thought to himself.
He heard it coming before he ever saw it. The scrape of a claw on the roof, the swoosh of displaced air as it passed by. His head instinctively swung in the direction of the sound, his mind struggling to comprehend what he say. He had time for one brief thought, his mind screaming that it couldn't possibly be that large, that fast, that real. As its jaws closed around his neck, Jeb did something he had never done before, either as a man or demon. He screamed liked a little girl.
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Dawn was beginning to have second thoughts about going out tonight. She really did want to go to the Bronze – that wasn't an act. She had been neglecting her friends lately, she knew, opting instead to spend some quality time bonding with her sister. But something didn't feel quite right. Something was off, though she couldn't quite put her finger on exactly what it was. It wasn't the first time she had experienced this feeling. In fact, it had been a common occurrence since Buffy's death a year ago. She couldn't quite explain it, couldn't quantify what it was that she was feeling, but it wasn't good. That much she knew.
Stacy was still talking a mile-a-minute, as she was known to do. In that respect, she reminded Dawn a lot of Willow, except that she wasn't gay, or a Wicca, and to the best of Dawn's knowledge, had never tried to kill her. At times, Dawn had entertained thoughts of integrating her own friends into the Scooby Gang. But that would mean clueing her friends in to her way of life, thereby exposing them to the dangers she faced. That was a responsibility she wasn't quite ready to accept.
As they came nearer to the Bronze, the sensation she was experiencing increased in intensity, causing the hair on her neck to stand on end. Her Spidey sense was definitely tingling tonight. Dawn stopped in mid-stride, pausing to scan the street to the left and to the right. She saw nothing that presented an immediate danger, but still her inner sense told her to be wary. There's something out there, the voice in her head warned. By now, Stacy had noticed her friend's hesitation. "Hey, earth to Dawn. You still with me?" She was not expecting the reaction she got.
"Stacy, be quiet," Dawn hissed, motioning her friend to stop. Again she scanned her surroundings, not quite able to make out the figures closing in just beyond her field of vision.
"Dawn, what the hell's wrong with you," Stacy asked, the concern evident in her voice. "C'mon, you're freaking me out." She got no response. Dawn continued looking around, unconsciously fingering the stake concealed in her purse. She listened intently, hoping in vain to hear something, anything that would give her some idea of what was going on. What she heard next did just that.
In her few short years in Sunnydale, Dawn had heard a great deal of screaming, much of it originating from her own lungs. But she had never heard anything quite like the inhuman wail that violated the still night air. It was a scream of unadulterated terror, the swan song of a dark creature ensnared in the clutches of death. Simultaneously, twelve head jerked upwards, two human, ten not, all of them searching out the source of the noise. The humans saw nothing, unaccustomed as they were to seeing in the dark. Those more inclined to nighttime viewing saw little more; a flash of white, followed by a fine layer of dust filtering down to the street below.
The vampire master hesitated, recognizing the occurrence for what it was: One of his group had fallen, perhaps claimed by the Slayer, perhaps the victim of something else. It didn't matter at any rate. The prey was theirs for the taking. The Slayer couldn't take them, not all at once. On his cue, the group moved out, leaving the cover of darkness, illuminated by the streetlights for the first time. Their supernatural speed quickly closed the gap between them and their dinner.
Dawn saw them coming. Grabbing her stunned friend by the hand, she shouted in her ear. "We've gotta motivate. Now!" The girls turned, the adrenaline surging through their veins as they prepared to flee in the direction they had come. What they saw stopped them dead in their tracks.
Dawn had seen wolves before, on a class trip to the Sunnydale Zoo. She had spent a great deal of time lingering at the lupine exhibit, staring at the misunderstood creatures, mesmerized by their soulful gaze. She remembered that they were relatively large animals, especially the Siberian wolves. She was fairly certain they hadn't been this large. The beast standing before them would have been almost comical in appearance had it not been so utterly terrifying.. It stood over four feet high at the shoulder, measuring fully ten feet from the nose to the tip of its tail. The claws protruding from its oversized paws appeared to be something straight out of the Jurassic. What Dawn noticed most prominently, however, other than the glowing azure eyes, was the size and number of its teeth. Instead of a single set of teeth, its gaping mouth bristled with four complete rows of razor-sharp canines, culminating in a pair of impossibly large fangs, complete with the requisite drool dripping ominously from its gums.
They were trapped, Dawn realized belatedly. She quickly reviewed their options: We can either be eaten, or we can be eaten. "Shit," she uttered quietly, desperately hoping that option c would present itself in time to save them. Stacy's reaction was no better. She began hyperventilating, her response even more fatalistic than Dawn's. "Omigod, Omigod, Omigod….we're gonna die," she cried, doing little to reassure Dawn of their continued survival.
The pack of vampires behind Dawn and Stacy had come to a halt as well. They had seen many strange things on the streets of Sunnydale, though few scarier than themselves, something they prided themselves on. This creature was the rare exception. To a man, their observations mirrored those of the girls. This was not good. A few of their number – mostly younger, less experienced minions – weighed the odds, surmising (incorrectly) that this was the beast that had taken Jeb. Mimicking the girls abortive retreat a few moments earlier, they too attempted to turn tail and flee. To their collective dismay, they found that their escape had been blocked as well. The beast in their path was a mirror image of the first, right down to the deep-throated growl emanating from its mouth. Like their intended prey, the vampires froze in fear.
The beast in front of Dawn crouched low to the ground, preparing to pounce upon its prey. Dawn, anticipating what was coming, dropped her stake, raising her hands instinctively in a defensive posture. There was no way she could fight this thing. She only hoped it would be over with quickly. She closed her eyes, preparing herself for the inevitable. God, she prayed, please don't let Buffy find me. She couldn't bear the thought of Buffy happening upon her body, finding her mutilated remains. She knew that it would break her sister. The beast leapt into the air, sailing straight at her…..
……and flying directly overhead. It landed behind them, plunging directly into the heart of the vampire pack, tearing into the demons with claw and tooth. The screams of the maimed and dying vampires could scarcely be heard over the roar of the avenging creature. The demons tried to fight back, raining desperate blows upon the creature's thick hide, lashing out with their own formidable fangs. The beast did not so much as acknowledge their futile resistance, tearing through them like a scythe through wheat. The second creature joined in the fray, singling out the leader of the brood. It sunk its curved claws deep into Micah's neck, tearing out his throat, depriving the vampire of even the ability to scream out in pain. The creature had no mercy for the demon, felt no compassion for its kind. Neither did he seek to torture it. He had only one purpose: To kill them all. He was particularly good at that.
The vampires fell one-by-one, their numbers quickly dropping as the attackers decimated their ranks. One enterprising bloodsucker decided to make a run for it, only to trip over a maimed comrade. One of the beasts quickly descended on him, tearing into his exposed back, ripping out the demon's spine. The vampire roared in pain, begging for death.
By now Dawn could stand it no longer. She just wanted it to be over. She took a breath, and opened her eyes, taking in the carnage before her. Most of the vampires were gone, reduced to a pile of dust. The great white beasts milled about now, feeding on the remaining few vampires. Dawn tore her eyes away from the grisly spectacle, checking to see if Stacy was okay. Her trembling friend lay on the ground, curled into a ball, slowly rocking herself back and forth. Keeping one eye on the scene in front of her, Dawn crept over to check on her friend. She knelt down, gently placing a hand on Stacy's shoulder. Dawn spoke softly to her friend, wrapping her other arm around the girl to comfort her. "Stacy, can you hear me? We have to go now." The sobbing girl showed no sign of having heard her friend. Dawn ventured a cautious look back towards where the vampires had been. She saw only mounds of dust, wondering where the "wolves" had gotten to. The warm breath on the back of her neck answered her question. Dawn slowly turned her head, coming face to face with the killing machine. She tried to make a sound, any sound, but found that she was physically incapable of doing so. Great, they decided to save us for last. Probably didn't wanna share with the vamps. Dawn steeled herself, preparing herself to die for the second time in only a few minutes. The animal in front of her opened its mouth. Here we go, she thought.
The sensation of the beast's tongue licking her face was not what she was expecting. Ignoring for the moment the copious amount of drool drenching her face, she took a closer look at the creature. It sat on the sidewalk, its tail happily thumping against the concrete. Except for its immense stature, it looked every bit the prototypical family dog. For some reason, Dawn couldn't help but think of Marmaduke. Yeah, that's it. He's Marmaduke. Marmaduke on steroids. She looked back at Stacy. The second animal had joined their little group. He lay next to Stacy, gently nuzzling the girl, looking for all the world like a big, cuddly stuffed animal. Dawn slowly stood, the giant beast standing next to her like some supernatural guard dog. She reached down, helping Stacy to her feet. The girl looked at Dawn in fear and confusion, but said nothing. She had gone catatonic.
Dawn looked around uncertainly. She wasn't quite sure what to do next. Luckily, her newly adopted pet made the decision for her. The animal jerked its head in the direction the girls had come from. He began gently nudging her, pushing her back towards home. Dawn looked to Stacy, shrugging her shoulders. "I guess we go home."
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The Summer's Residence
Moments Later
Buffy Summers often worried about her sister. For the past two years, she had been as concerned for Dawn's mental well-being as she was for her physical safety. She knew that Dawn had since turned a corner, had come to terms with what she was and how she had come to be. Lately, though, Buffy had become increasingly concerned about her sister's safety. It was as if each year of her life was another season in some cheesy sci-fi series. The bad guys just kept getting badder every year. A TV show based on my life? Who the hell would want to watch that? Buffy just wished her sister would get home soon. A quick glance at the clock proclaimed otherwise. Dawn had only been gone for half an hour. God, I've become my mother. That brought a smile to her face. It wasn't such a bad feeling after all. Buffy glanced back to the TV, watching as the familiar news commentator opined on yet another subject of great importance. She wondered vaguely where Bill O'Reilly stood on the vampire issue. He should broadcast an episode from the Hellmouth, she mused. After all, Sunnydale was certainly qualified for his "Most Ridiculous Items" segment. It probably wouldn't happen, she admitted to herself. Sunnydale was the "spin" capital of the world, thanks in no small part to the city council and the local authorities. The more things change…, Buffy lamented.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps outside. Buffy was tempted to go to the door, but opted not to. She didn't want Dawn to think she was waiting up for her. Presently the front door opened, and Dawn walked in, followed seconds later by a very agitated Stacy.
"I can't believe you knew and didn't tell me! How in the hell could you keep this from me? The tone of Stacy's voice was clear. She was not a happy camper. Buffy shot a questioning look at Dawn. Her sister just smiled meekly in response.
Stacy was now in full rant mode, and quickly picking up steam. "Don't you dare smile! There is nothing to smile about. We were almost killed tonight!"
Dawn took the optimistic viewpoint. "Stacy, calm down. We didn't die. Everything's going to be alright." It was easy for Dawn to say. Life-threatening situations had become old hat for her. Stacy, however, was still new to the game, and was not so easily appeased.
"Everything is not all right," she screamed. "Have you looked outside? Do you see the same thing I do? Please, tell me we did not have our asses saved from a bunch of walking corpses by the Cujo twins out there!"
By now Buffy was more than a little intrigued, not to mention significantly concerned. She walked over to the window, pulled open the curtain, and peered out into the darkness. Even though she considered herself to be sufficiently jaded from her years on the Hellmouth, Buffy was still stunned by what she saw on the front lawn. Two massive forms lay sprawled out on the grass, resembling giant lawn ornaments. She turned to her sister, her expression asking the question that her mouth couldn't. Dawn mouthed her response, hesitant to interrupt Stacy's tirade and incur her wrath. I'll explain later.
Meanwhile, Stacy was still on a roll. "I wanna know how in the hell you know about vampires. I mean, this isn't exactly an everyday occurrence, now is it?"
Dawn braved a response. "Am I supposed to answer that or….." Given the circumstances, it probably wasn't the best thing to say.
Stacy nearly exploded. "Are you hearing a word I'm saying? I want you to answer the fucking question!"
Dawn looked to Buffy. "Do you want to handle this, or should I," she asked, her eyes pleading with her sister.
Buffy smiled in spite of herself. "She's your friend."
Dawn mumbled something beneath her breath, then turned back to her friend. "Okay. The short answer is yes. It is an everyday occurrence." Seeing the disbelieving look on Stacy's face, she continued. "If you promise not to interrupt, I'll explain." Stacy thought about it, then nodded in agreement.
Dawn took a deep breath, then launched into her story. "You see, it goes something like this….it's all Buffy's fault."
"Dawn!" Her sister protested, not liking the abridged story of their lives.
"You wanted me to explain," Dawn argued reasonably. "Besides, it's basically true. You are a demon magnet."
"Excuse me," Stacy interrupted, "I thought someone was going to explain this to me." Dawn held up her hands in mock surrender.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Let me start over." Dawn scratched her head, striking a pensive pose as she pondered how best to tell the story of their lives. "You know how we always watch horror movies and talk about what we would do if we were in that situation?" Stacy nodded. Critiquing cheesy horror flicks was one of their favorite pastimes. "Well, we sort of are in that situation. To put it simply, the bogeyman is real. So are vampires, zombies, werewolves, aliens, and possibly even leprechauns."
Buffy had to call her on the last one. "No leprechauns," she intoned, shaking her head for emphasis.
"All right, strike the leprechauns, but the rest are real."
Stacy was still confused. "But how does this involve you?"
"I'm getting to that. You see, it's kind of like in the movies. For every bad guy you have to have a superhero. Ergo, with Lex Luthor, you get Superman. It's a package deal. That's where Buffy comes in."
"Your sister's Superman," asked a skeptical Stacy. "She doesn't quite have the build. And I don't see a cape."
"She's more like Supergirl, only she can't fly, and I don't think kryptonite affects her either." Buffy rolled her eyes at the exchange. Dawn was never good at getting to the point.
"Buffy's a Slayer. The one girl in all the world, blah, blah, blah. Basically she hangs around a lot in cemeteries and kills vampires. Well, most of them anyway."
"Okay," Stacy said. "Let me see if I have this straight. Vampires are real, leprechauns aren't. And your sister is some mythical superhero type who kills the bad things?"
"That's it in a nutshell," Dawn confirmed.
"And what about you? What was the deal with the whole ESP episode you had tonight? You knew something was going to happen, didn't you?" Dawn smiled sheepishly at her sister before responding to Stacy's question.
"Don't worry about me. I'm not real anyway."
"You're not real?"
"Nope."
"So I'm hallucinating right now?"
"Nope."
"You do realize that you're not making anything that resembles sense." Dawn could be very frustrating at times.
"It's kind of a long story," Dawn explained. "So I'll give you the Dummies version: I'm actually a mystical ball of energy that can tear down the walls between dimensions. A group of well-intentioned but misguided monks made me – the key – into Buffy's sister so that she would protect me from a PMSing hellgod."
The look on Stacy's face said it all. "Remind me never to ask you another question."
"Uh, guys," Buffy interjected. "I hate to interrupt, but maybe you can explain why Sigfried and Roy's pets are sitting on our front lawn?"
"Oh, yeah. I forget about them. You think we should give them a bowl of water?"
"A bowl of water?" Buffy repeated.
"Yeah. To wash down the blood," Dawn explained, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"The blood?"
"From the vampires they ate."
"They ate vampires?"
"Better them than us," said Dawn. Stacy eagerly nodded her agreement.
"They didn't try to eat you, though?" Buffy wanted to be sure.
"Nope, but they did slobber all over us. I don't think that's a slayable offense though."
"And you don't know what they are or where they came from?"
"Sorry Buff, We pumped them for information, but they're not very talkative. They're more the strong, silent type. But they do like to be scratched behind the ears, if that helps any."
"We'll discuss entering them in the dog show later." Buffy replied facetiously. "Do you have any idea what we're supposed to do with them?"
"We could adopt them – keep them as pets. You could take them on long walks every night in the cemetery. You know, throw a little Frisbee, kill a few demons. It'd be a good bonding experience. Plus, you did always say that you wanted a dog."
Buffy thought that one over. "You know, Dawn. I think that you're absolutely right. We should keep them, under two conditions."
"And they are…."
"The first is, you have to clean up after them. You're gonna need a big pooper-scooper. I recommend a backhoe."
Dawn was not amused. She was serious about keeping the wolves, even if Stacy was still a little wigged about them. "And what's the second condition."
Buffy smiled. "You get to explain to Romulus and Remus the whole concept of neutering."
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Sunnydale Airport
0500 hrs
The sleek Learjet rolled to a stop on the tarmac, as the ground crew struggled to manhandle the portable stairs into place. Unfortunately for the passengers and crew, Sunnydale's tiny airport lacked a proper jet way.
The airplane door hissed open, and the lone passenger debarked, stepping out onto the metal platform. The attractive brunette smiled evilly, surveying her surroundings with interest. Another city, another world to conquer. With that thought, Lilah Morgan descended the stairs, and disappeared into the foggy night.
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End Chapter 7
Damn, my evil muse has struck once again in the middle of the night. That bitch! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. One note: I will be going on vacation the first week of September, and my laptop will not be making the trip with me. I plan to spend my time lounging on the beach, drinking margaritas, and ogling women in thong bikinis. Also, I am going to once again attempt to quit smoking. Depending on the severity of my nicotine withdrawal, the story may get a little dark. Worst case scenario – I take it out on the Scoobies. Gratuitous death may ensue. But I digress.
Look for chapter 8 sometime late next week. We'll finally be hearing from Spike, and Buffy and the X Man may settle in for a little heart-to-heart. We may even here from Giles, that daffy Brit.
Please keep the feedback coming. I have self-esteem issues and need a daily dose of positive affirmation (who am I kidding, I have no self-esteem. I'm just on an ego trip!).
Anyway, that's it for now. Until next time,
Your humble author
Rabid Squirrel.