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Chapter 14: Never mind

Naomi PoV

Slowly the grasps of senses came back to me, as I was lulled out of a deep slumber. I was certainly not in my bed, my bed was so much softer than this. And it couldn't be Tiger in my hands, she wasn't that big. The being resting on my chest was breathing softly, her arms still secured around me. And for a second, before I opened my eyes, I felt safe. Like nothing could ever hurt me as long as she was holding me like this. But then I opened my eyes, and it was a new day.

The sky was clear blue, not a cloud in sight. I could hear the seagulls squeaking in the distance. It was a new day, and it was not a good thing. If I could live in yesterday forever, I would.

Emily stirred a bit, gripping me tighter in the process. I looked down at her, at her admirable exteriors. Her face was so soft, so innocent. It seemed like a small smile were tugging at her lips. I hoped she had good dreams.

Her eyes fluttered open, and they found mine instantly. She gave me a cute smile, and I forced one back.

This was the first tell.

"Hey," she croaked out, her voice all morning husky.

"Hey. Sleep well?"

"Very." She laid her head back down, and started drawing circles on my stomach with her hand. I felt my muscles clench and unclench of her movements. I faintly remembered when her tongue had been exploring there last night.

As we just existed in each others arms for a few moments, I felt the floodgate of my thoughts open again. And it made my belly turn to ice. All the 'what ifs' and the possible complications of last night made me freeze in angst.

The more I liked Emily, the more fond I became of her, the more power I was giving her. And I had promised myself not to do that with anyone. Especially after what happened with my dad.

She buried her nose in my sweater, a soft murmur escaping her lips. I looked down at her face and her radiant red hair, and felt my heart swell. She was indeed dangerous. If I lended her more of my heart, she could destroy me. And she had all the right qualifications to win me over, she was just delightful all over.

When she turned and looked into my eyes one more time, and I looked into her warm ones, I realized I had no idea what her intentions was. Was this an one-off for her? A simple rebound from Karen? A summer flirt? The questions were swirling and eating at me. I shut them out for the time being. I could think this through later.

"So skinny dipping, eh?" she smirked. I snickered, blushing.

"It was more eventful than my expectations."

"Are you blushing?" She sat slightly up, leaning over me. Her question made me go even more scarlet.

"Of, fuck off." I broke her gaze, and bit my lip to hide an embarrassed smile.

"You are!" she giggled.

I wanted to take revenge for her making me falter my stance, making me crumble under her loving and mocking stare. Therefore I swiftly shifted myself over her, straddling her, and tickling her sides. She squealed and laughed like crazy, as I continued my onslaught.

"Fine, fine! You win! I won't mention it again!" she yelled out of breath, and I smiled triumphantly.

"That's more like it."

She bit her lip, being all flushed after laughing too much, while giving me a look that reminded me too much of last night. God, I needed to get out of here now.

"So, we should head back, yeah? I bet Kieran will find his boat missing very soon." I stood up and brushed some sand of my skirt.

"Okay. Just let me pack up," she said and folded the blanket before going down to the water edge and fetch the towels from last night. Right, that we dried ourself with. Right after.

She came back, all smiles, and we climbed the rocks back to the boat. She laughed a little when I used a couple of tries to start it, but didn't mock me any further. She placed herself in the front again, her bare feet out on one side, feeling the passing waves. The wind were ruffling through her hair, as she leaned back, eyes closed, and just enjoyed the sun. I almost ran aground a couple of times just looking at her. She made me lose touch with all surroundings.

I hadn't brought my phone and didn't know what time it was, but the sun wasn't set too high, so I was guessing it was early. There wasn't a soul to see on the roads and bridges we drove by anyway.

As I swung into the bay right outside her house, she hoisted her feet back in the boat and put on her shoes. I drove the boat right up to the bank, ready for her to jump on land. She throws her backpack up, but turns back and steps over to me, a fond look on her face. The sunlight is reflected in her eyes as she comes up close and cups my face. She grin cutely, stroking her fingers over my cheeks.

The kiss is slow and sensual, the kind that would've left me without footing, but thankfully I was sitting. It was mostly her, the kiss, I was just following her lead. She poked her tongue in my mouth for a second before she tipped back, obviously on the verge to get lost in our kissing like last night. She held me close as she whispered against my lips.

"Thanks for last night. I had a great time."

She grinned big as she stepped back from me, her whole body seemed to be glowing. I gulped and smiled tightly up at her.

As she's climbed on land, she bit her lip and gave me a small wave. I backed out, and turned the boat to go home. I gave her a last smile before I sped up. I turned when I've driven a few meters out, finding her still looking at me. I turned quickly to keep my eyes at the water in front of me.

The heaviness in my chest was the second tell.

I arrived home and moored the boat, before going up on land. Neither Grant or Kieran was anywhere in sight, which was odd, as they usually were around fixing things on the boats and so on. I shrugged it off, walking inside.

In the hallway I was instantly greeted by my mum in a robe with two glasses of water in her hands on her way to her bedroom.

"Looks like it was a good night, then." I nod to the glasses.

"Naomi, dear god! Where have you been?"

"Nowhere." I answer exasperated. I couldn't deal with her accusations right now, I had other things on my mind that I needed to sort.

"Yeah right, both you and the boat were gone as we came back. I guess you weren't alone. Who was it?"

"No one." I scoffed. I tried to walk past her, but she blocked my way.

"You know that I don't care what you're doing, but I need to be able to reach you. And then I find your phone here," she gestures to my phone on a commode, "and for the love of God, you're no expert with boats. You could've run aground and drowned! I was worried sick!" she was raising her voice more and more. I think I've never seen her this worried and angry. I'm betting Kieran put those thoughts in her head.

"Well, I'm fine, you're fine, everything's fucking fine! Can you leave me the fuck alone now?" I screamed back at her, before trudging into my bedroom, slamming every door on the way as I went.

That was the third tell. I wanted away from here, away from this island and everyone complicating my life.

I slung myself on my bed, wishing I just stayed home last night, sleeping in it. Tiger came up to my side, wanting a cuddle, but I couldn't manage more than a distracted pat to her head. I wanted to smash things, to wreck the whole place. I looked at the bedside lamp, wondering if I'd felt better and lighter after throwing it into the wall. I sighed loudly, decided to do something normal to make myself feel normal again.

I opened my laptop, checking Facebook. Nothing new there, just some fucking game invites. It made me even pissier, but I took a deep breath, opening my e-mail instead. There was some ads, but when I'd scrolled past them a title catched my attention. It was from the law firm I applied for an internship with. I furrowed my brows as I clicked it open.

'We've read your application and is very glad to offer you a position with our …'

I couldn't read anymore as I felt tears threatening to fall. I remember when I wrote that application right after Christmas, how hopeful I was when I sent it and how I wished I'd be the lucky one to get my two feet inside their doors. They were after all the best law firm in whole Bristol, and they were big on taking on cases that didn't make the world a worse place. They would never defend pollution or exploitation of human beings.

Fourth tell.

I wiped furiously at my eyes, as some tears leaked out. God, why was I here on this fucking idiotic island when there was another life for me in Bristol. A life I actually fitted in in. The emotions was taking over, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I slammed the computer shut and decided to get some air, and calm myself. Everything was going tits up anyway.

I sat on the dock and watched the morning mist evaporate, and the day become lighter and warmer. I pictured how my life would be if I didn't move out here. I'd never missed my hometown as much as right now. I swung my feet back and forth as I looked down into the shallow sea. You really know how to make a mess of your life, don't you?

I resented mum for dragging me out here, I resented Kieran for luring mum out here, but most of all I resented myself. I resented myself so much for last night, and that I broke a promise to myself. I had swore after my dad left that I wouldn't let anyone close again. No one would come near enough to hurt me like he did. And then there was Emily.

She was too close to my walls, it was almost as she was starting to tear it down already. I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't become weak before her. She was the most amazing person I've ever met, and I just couldn't...

I choked a sob as I gripped the wooden planks beside me hard.

She could destroy me. With one too many of her looks I would be gone, and she would shoot my heart into a million pieces. I needed to stop before it got to that. Because it would. We were bound to end up alone, people were bound to disappoint you, and life was much easier without the hassle of that.

The longer I sat there, the stronger the idea that this was the dumbest thing I've ever done grew. But it was not too late. I was still very much up and going, and as much as I wanted to run to her and cry about how I couldn't take the offer from the law firm, I was going to ignore it.

Last night was simply something I needed to get out of my system, just a fulfillment of a stupid daydream. I've tried it, I liked it and that was it. Now it was back to strong, smart and isolated Naomi. The Naomi that got through life fine by herself. The Naomi that only concentrated on humanity causes and her own career. The rude Naomi that no one bothered to get to know. It was how I always had operated. It was how it always was going to be.

I figured I could turn the development in my and Emily's relationship. I could turn back everything that'd happened, and we could be friends again. Yes, friends. Much simpler and much safer. We could joke around like before, without all the other complicating stuff.

I just needed to lie to her, make her believe it was a no-goer, make her not believe in the possibility of us. Simple, right? I laid back, staring up into the sky, a plan slowly developing in my head. I had always fended for myself alone, and that was how it was supposed to be. No more heartbreak, no more people I loved leaving, no more possibility for it. I was happier alone. I was a loner.

I stood up, walking back to the house to scrub my skin free from the stains Emily left there last night. I needed to get her feel off me. And then I would continue with my life, first off food. As I walked inside there was just one thought clear in my head:

I needed to end it.

.

Oh, dear...