I couldn't relax before I shared this with you guys. Seriously, you make my day. And no, I'm not done with my exams, and no, I have no idea when the next update is. I only know that this story is at the back of my mind at all times, and I really really want to share it with you. So I won't be leaving it. And I probably will neglect my studying to write some more very soon. I know, I'm really good at prioritizing! ;) On with it..

I don't own skins.

Chapter 17: Reverse

Naomi Pov

Eventually I found myself leaning against the wall as I saw Freddie and JJ start to walk back to Wisteria Lane. The sky seemed to had gotten darker after Emily left, but it could've been just my imagination. Or my thoughts just clouding everything. The breeze seemed stronger and chillier to. Everything felt colder.

Mum eventually came out the door, laughing with some of the older workers. She still had that ridiculous party hat on, but I couldn't be arsed to tease her. I couldn't be arsed to anything. Because Emily had just blew up in my face, and I knew we couldn't go on like this.

I sighed and stared intensely up into the sky. It actually was pretty dark. Maybe a storm was coming. In one sense or another.

"Naomi, there you are!" Mum spotted me hunched against the side of the building and came over, "Cook, is waiting in the boat, let's go." She smiled, and turned to go expecting me to follow.

"Actually, I think I'll go home." I answered, tired. I really needed a walk. And to think. And to decide what to do to make it right with Emily. I didn't want to fight with her. And I didn't want to part like this when she was going to France for two whole weeks. Fuck me.

Mum came back to me and studied my face. Her face turned slightly worried after a beat. She obviously saw my sad expression and frowning mouth.

"Is everything alright, dear?" she soothingly asked.

"Yeah, everything's fine, mum. Just … just need some air." I said, and turned to walk away.

"Okay, I'll see you home then!" She called after me.

It wasn't a particular great distance to walk, so the first part went in a daze. I replayed the moments with Emily again and again in my head. Especially the kiss and when she yelled at me. I understood how I confused her with my actions, but she confused me with just being. How could I live on this island with her for a whole year without touching her? Without following my instincts to kiss her? Without falling in love with her? And at the same time keep my heart safe from everyone and anyone? It was a lost cause. I had no idea what to make of it and what to do.

When I spotted the store, I suddenly decided what to do. Well, for now at least. I wanted a pint with chocolate ice cream, the sofa with fifteen blankets and a sappy movie. Because I couldn't deny it, I was knackered. Emily had drained me from energy, and I had after all worked all day everyday on that goddamn industry. I needed a break, a breather. Also I wanted to make up with my mum. I had been a bitch to her … well, more of a bitch than I usually am. And even though it kind of were her fault that things went shit, it wasn't her intention. And right now, I just needed a hug and maybe a wise word from her.

I searched through my pockets and luckily found a few quid so I could buy that ice cream. One good thing about today. Ice cream. Fuck, my life sucks.

It looked like the store was pretty empty. The bad weather this last week resulted in fewer tourists. But it was unusual quiet for a friday afternoon. Damn it, I didn't care. Maybe Pandora's smile could make my day a little brighter.

Only, when I opened the doors into the store, it wasn't Pandora's happy smile that met me. It was a frown. And a sneer. And flaming eyes. It was the worst possible day for her to finally show her face at work. Couldn't she've stayed home and blogged about nails or something?

"Oi, you!" she yelled pointing at me, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

Katie was looking as mad as I've never seen her. And that's included when she thought I fucked Cook. She was the absolute last person I wanted to meet right now, and her eyes were blazing into mine. If looks could kill, I'd have died a hundred times in the most cruelest ways. My breath hitched, I was terrified to my bones. There was no greater threat than Katie on the war path.

She'd never liked me, because I was the new girl. But this was so much more intense. It was pure hatred.

She started to march and stomp towards me, her hands balled into fists at her side. And then it hit me. She knew. She knew everything. Because this couldn't be about Cook, she wouldn't get so mad about that. Then she would've punched me in the face that time on his party. I gulped. She knew about me and Emily.

I couldn't face her, and I couldn't face my actions. I backed away with wide eyes as she got closer. My feet acted on their own accords, and before I knew it I was running away from the store and home. Yes, fucking running. Coward material indeed.

"Oh, you better run Campbell!" She screamed after me. And that's when the first drops of rain started to fall. Lightly at first, but soon it was pounding rhythmically along my running feet.

I chanced a peek behind me, and a breath I didn't know I've been holding escaped my lips when I didn't see the furious twin.

Emily had told Katie, and Katie was enraged to the bones. The words from Emily drifted back to me. Did they really think I was like Karen? That I just wanted Emily when no one better was around? They were so wrong. I wanted her so much that I wouldn't allow myself to have her.

Emily also said to me that she felt something after the beach. Maybe she was, but how could I know how much she felt? I felt as if I let her into my life and into my mind, I would never get her out. And the worst part was that I already felt I couldn't get her out. This week was a proof of that. When I reached the yard I was so confused over what to think or do, that I went into the yellow boat cottage to get some space. I sat down on some crap, I think it were traps for crabs or lobsters, and peeked through a hole in the wall at the sea outside. It was pouring by now. I was kind of drenched, water dripping from my hair.

The cottage didn't smell very nice, and there were sawdust and spiderwebs all over. But it was okay. It was what it was, a cottage for boats and tools and so on. And it was disorganized in a very Kieran-way.

I don't know how long I sat there chewing on my lip and mulling over my feelings for Emily. Because it was feelings there. Strong ones. And she had feelings for me too. And I had fucked up. I should've just talked to her instead of giving her the I slept with you because I was bored shit.

I slept with you because you're always on my mind. And I've never felt like this before.

I sighed. I thought about my dad and how broken I was when he left us. I couldn't go through something like that again. Yet alone with a lover. But how can I stay away from Emily when it's making my life hell?

My thoughts kept going in circles and butting head inside my brain. I was getting nauseous of it and was slowly developing an headache. I decided to call the most insightful person I knew to maybe make her fix my mentality. If she still wanted to speak to me, that is.

I picked up my phone from my pack pocket, sending a silent thank you to God as the rain hadn't drowned it, and pressed dial. Only a few seconds went by before I heard her pick up.

"You fucked it, friend." was the first thing she said.

"So we are, still friends I mean?"

"Depends"

"Depends on what?"

"Emily."

I sighed. She was still pissed at me, but at least she was talking to me.

"That's actually why I called." I bit my lip. I could hear the different sounds the rain was making where it was dripping on the roof, slamming into the dock and sizzling down the gutters. I fitted the setting perfectly. I also remembered I probably smelt worse than this cottage. I hadn't showered since work and was covered in a fish odor.

"Haven't we had this conversation before?"

"What? That was in Homde, and it was just some drunken snog!" I panicked.

"Oh, so during what part of what happened on the beach were you intoxicated?" she smoothly asked. She was slick, that she was.

"So she told you?" I sighed.

"Of course she did."

Yes of course she did. If she'd told Katie, then she obviously had told Effy.

It was quiet for a bit. I could hear Effy breathing on the other end, so she hadn't hung up. But she obviously wasn't going to be the first to speak either. She was giving me time to form a sentence. Or a thought. Only I had no idea what to think.

"I wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you and Anne."

"Anne? What'd she do?" she asked. I could her that she wasn't so disinterested in this conversation anymore.

"Well, she kind of said something that made me…" I trailed off.

"That made you what?"

"I visited her before the beach, okay?" I said exasperated.

"Oooh, I see." she drawled on.

"Yeah, it was like what you said on Homde. It made me call Emily." Only now did I discover that my hand that wasn't clutching my phone was shaking. Talking about feelings were really hard.

"She didn't make you do anything, she just made you see some sense… Well, for a while. Who did you consult before you asked Emily to be just friends?"

"No one." I answered nervously. Did she know every little detail about me and Emily. I certainly hoped not!

"Naomi, you're useless. You should hire a private consulter, you only mess things up when you're left on your own." she said in a disappointed tone. I felt even worse at her words.

Before I could answer, she continued.

"Freddie says hi by the way." I was about to say hi back when she cut me off "Oh, and he says you're a dickhead."

"Cheers." I said bitterly. I really didn't need this.

"I totally agree with him."

"Figured." I muttered as I started to poke some loose wood tiles on the wall with my shoe.

"So what seems to be the problem?" she quipped. I didn't laugh, I couldn't see humor in anything right now.

"I don't know what to do Effy. I tried to talk to her, but you saw how angry she was, I just.."

"I'm so proud of her." Effy interrupted me.

"What?" I said high-pitched. I wasn't expecting that.

"She finally stood up for herself. She never did that with Karen, and I'm so proud of her."

I felt a lump in my throat. She never called Karen out for treating her like shit. But she called me out. And therefore what I did must've been bad. Who am I kidding, of course it was bad! I shagged her and proceeded to cut her off. I would've slitted the throat of any other who did that to her, and here I was doing it myself.

"Effy…" I said so low. I felt a prickling in my eyes. Tears were coming.

"Naomi, do you remember what I said to you that first night we talked?"

I sniffed.

"No."

"Leave the dust to settle anywhere it wants to fall, make patterns on windows and leave marks upon the wall. Then you'll see clearer." she recounted.

"And so what Effy? I don't see anything clear right now." I stated ironically. The tears was also clouding my sight in addition to the obvious.

"It won't be long. The dust is soon settled." she said mystically.

"What do I do Effy?" I asked desperately. I felt the conversation coming to an end, and without realizing that I hurt Emily pretty bad, I hadn't learned anything useful from her. She was always three steps in front of everyone else.

"Figure out what you want, Naomi. Like for real. I can't have you fucking around with Emily."

"I'm not fucking around with her."

"I know that."

"You do?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah. I understand how you're thinking, Naomi. But right now, you need to think about what you really want. Get over yourself. 'Cause being friends with Emily is not an option anymore. The kiss outside the industry proved that pretty well."

She was right. Of course she was right. I sniffed loudly again.

"Thanks Eff." I whispered.

"Don't mention it, just figure yourself out and put Emily out of her misery. Either go for it, or not." then she hung up.

I lowered my phone, and a small sob escaped. I felt so bad for doing that to Emily. I had no idea how to explain or excuse or make it up to her. I shivered. I was still wet from the rain, and would probably catch a cold if I sat here any longer.

Both Katie and Effy were angry with me about what I did. I didn't want it to be like this for the coming year. Of course it wasn't what made me want to make things right with Emily. I just fucking missed how it were a couple of weeks ago. Where we were stuck in that flirting-land before we took things further and it got really serious and I jumped of the train leaving Emily heartbroken. Was she heartbroken? I certainly had made her feel something bad. I wouldn't dare hope that I was in that little girls heart already.

I needed my mum. I needed her badly.

I dragged myself from where I was sitting, and ran over to the house and inside. I was full on shuddering by now. Not just because of the rain, but because I was all over the place. My stomach couldn't settle, and my heart was racing. I wondered how long this would go on, because the feeling wasn't pleasant at all.

I found Kieran in the kitchen cooking dinner. Normally I would've gotten hungry of the lovely smell of food after a long day at work, but my belly was churning roughly.

"Where's mum?" I asked, my voice cracking a bit.

He turned, rattled. His eyes softened when he catched the state I was in. He moved to get closer, but then seemed to think the better of it. I didn't blame him, I had been a right hell towards him the last week. He didn't deserve it. But I didn't want to kneel before him right now, I needed some healing beforehand.

"She's down in our bedroom." he said gently. I nodded and turned to walk downstairs.

She was sitting on the bed, seemingly looking through some old photographs. I recognized the box laying beside her. It was childhood memories that sometimes haunted me at night. He was on those.

"Mum…" I sobbed.

She turned and when she saw me in the doorway she instantly moved over and wrapped me in her arms. I sobbed into her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, mum. I'm so sorry." I managed to get past my lips. She soothed my hair down and squeezed me tighter.

"Naomi, love. I've never seen you like this." she stepped back and looked at me worried. I wasn't feeling strong enough to talk about the matter just yet. Instead I walked over to the bed and sat down. I picked up a photograph and looked at a younger me smiling on the lap of my dad. I looked so happy.

"Why are you looking at these?" I asked.

"Ah, just remembering dear. It's his birthday today, you know." I didn't. I had forgot. I didn't want to feel bad about it, but I kind of did.

"Oh." I simply said.

"What's got you into this state, eh? Is it Cook?"

"No, it's not fucking Cook! Can you stop with him already?" I answered angered, flailing my arms.

"Okay love, I was only asking." she sat down beside me. It calmed me down a bit. I looked at the photograph again, trailing my eyes over his face. It still ripped up a somewhat healed wound in my heart thinking about him.

"Am I like him?" I asked.

"What do you mean, dear?"

"I mean…" I felt the tears coming again. I don't think I've ever cried this much since he left. "I mean, I fucked up too, mum." I turned to look into her eyes. Her eyes that were blue like mine, but so much more older and wiser.

"Did you … leave someone too?" she asked, slightly confused.

"Kind of. I just, I didn't want to get hurt you know. But instead I think I hurt them."

She wiped away some tears from my face with her hands.

"Oh, Naomi." she hugged me close to her chest, and I let her.

"Your father didn't leave because he was afraid of love. He left because he didn't want this, he wanted to be free and not tied down. You're not like that. He didn't have any troubles to stand up and walk away. But I can see it in your eyes, Naomi, what his departure did to you. You never really was the same after he left. But after we moved here, I saw a small change in you. You looked happy again, you've gained friends and for what I've understood you've met someone really special." She pushed my hair lovingly behind my ear, as I nodded to what she just had stated.

"I'm afraid mum." I hiccuped.

"I know, dear. But not everyone is like your dad. You can't keep your heart safe forever."

"I want to be happy, but I don't want to be hurt again. And I don't know if I can have both." It was getting hard to breathe by now.

"Safety doesn't always mean happiness." she said seriously looking into my eyes. "Just talk to this person. Apologize. Tell them what you just told me. If they're worth it, they'll understand. It's not often you find someone who make you happy. Just look at me and Kieran, I haven't felt this happy in years!"

"What about all the other men you had?"

"I thought I loved them, but it isn't like the real deal. When you know you know. Do you feel it here?" she touched where my heart was. I could only nod. I had never felt something so wrecking before.

"Then it's the real deal." she kissed the top of my head, and hugged me for a few more minutes as I marveled in the comfort she gave. But I couldn't ignore the growing ache in my heart. Why couldn't I realize this last wednesday instead of now when Emily was outside of my reach. When she was packing to go to France. Oh fuck, she'd probably find a hot french lesbian with big boobs and a seductive accent. I scrunched my face of the thought of Emily with someone else. When I desperately kissed her up the side of a car earlier it felt so right. Like a puzzle piece finally falling into place.

Mum finally released me and stroked down my hair.

"Take a shower and then we'll eat supper, okay?"

"Okay." I answered and staggered into my room. The fight had completely left me. I was lost.

After rinsing and changing into some comfortable pajamas, I went upstairs and was met with an heavenly sight. Kieran had made the table beautifully. They were waiting for me, so when I came we began to dig in. Well, I just moved the food around on my plate with my fork.

"Kieran, about how I behaved this-"

"Don't mention it kiddo. You aren't even half the shitty little prick I was at your age." he bellowed. I found myself smiling a bit. Which was a bit foreign. It'd been a long time since.

We moved into the living room and watched the usual friday night shows. You know, the cliché shows that everyone over forty watches. But it was alright because mum was stroking my hair tenderly as I was laying on the sofa from where she was sitting beside me. It was actually rather nice. I was glad I'd made up with them. But it hadn't given me a rest. I was still feeling like shit because of what I did to Emily. I didn't know if I could overcome my fears to be with her, but I sure as hell didn't want us to part for two weeks like this. To be quite honest, I didn't just miss her friendship. I missed everything. I missed the beach. God, I missed the beach.

When a thunderstorm came around and Tiger started screaming (yes, screaming), I said goodnight and took Tiger down to my room where we cuddled under my duvet. When the next thunder came along, she ran under the bed though. I sighed, just accepting that Tiger needed to understand that it wasn't dangerous. If I sat on top of her, it would just work against that idea.

I fished my laptop from the floor and decided to put on some music to drown out the noise. As I logged into my music account, I noticed that one of my favourite bands had released a new album I hadn't heard yet. I pressed play and eased back into my pillows.

The first song hit me square in the chest. Was this made for me?

The lyrics, it was so fitting. It was actually rather scary. It also made me think of Emily. Shocker, right? Everything reminded me of her.

But this was different. It was like this song could explain things for me. I vividly remembered how I told her in Homde that I felt through songs. But was I brave enough to tell her this?

I thought some more about Emily as I laid there listening to more songs. I thought about her smile, and the twinkle in her eyes whenever she teased me. I thought about the the curve of her lips, and how they tasted. I thought about her smell, and her lovely laugh. I thought about how her skin felt, and how she came under my fingertips. I thought about her moans and her sexy smirk.

Then I thought about how small she'd seemed behind the store. How disappointed she looked. How cold I'd been. How horrible I was to her just to save my own arse. And then I didn't even managed to do that.

I needed to look at her face, just for a minute. So I logged into Facebook to stalk her for a bit. I was surprised to see that she was online right this minute. I checked the clock and noted that it was one in the morning. Why was she up?

I opened the chat with her, and immediately some old messages appeared. It was from before Homde. It was just some innocent texts of what she was packing and so on, but god it stung my heart. It stung my heart so bad, because I couldn't see another one of these meaningless conversations in our near future.

I pussied out from writing to her, because I didn't know exactly what to say, so I clicked open her profile picture instead. It was just a simple picture of her face, but she was looking directly at camera, smiling that adorable smile of hers. Her hair was flat and she didn't have much make-up on. And still, she looked breathtaking. Anyone who got her would be lucky. You could've been the lucky one if you hadn't cocked it all up, a voice in the back of my head said.

I felt tears stinging my eyes again and I wondered how much I would cry over this girl. Didn't she know the effect she had on me? Didn't she know how these last few weeks had meant the world to me? If she was feeling the same as me, why weren't she, too, scared shitless?

I pressed play on that song again, that song that reminded me of my life. I didn't want to end up proud and alone. I wanted to end every night in Emily's arms like that night on the beach. I sighed. I had to try.

I checked to see if she was still online, and luckily she was. Then I toyed with what to say. Do I write sorry? Do I write that I want her back? Do I write that everything since we parted that wednesday morning was bullshit? Well, apart from that kiss. Was this even the truth?

I looked the song up on youtube, and found a lyric video. I took a deep breath as I copied the link. It was now or never.

I pasted it in our conversation, and added a few words.

The Fray - Hold My Hand. Just listen to the lyrics.

With a few deep breaths I hit send. I was shitting bricks, I was so nervous. I wrenched my hands together as I waited for the answer. I couldn't bare to listen to anymore music so I shut it off.

I was left listening to the rain pounding on the window and the occasional thunder. And then there was the lightnings that light up my entire room. Tiger was still MIA somewhere under the bed. I decided to leave her be as I was watching my screen intensely. Emily still hadn't seen the message and it'd gone, what, nearly five minutes? I was nearly going into hyperventilation when the words that she'd seen the message finally popped up.

I lifted my joined hands to my mouth as I waited. It would go at least four minutes, because she had to listen to the song, right? And then she had to process it. And then she had to decide if she wanted to answer me at all. And in the end, what she would write. I think I held my breath for longer than what was recommended in those next few minutes.

When fifteen minutes had passed and still no answer, I started to lose hope. I'd hurt her too much. She needed more time. I wasn't worth it. She didn't feel it.

Just as I was about to close my computer in defeat, the sign that she was writing appeared. My heart practically stopped beating in anticipation. The answer made my breath hitch.

I'm coming over.

.

And the day isn't over yet!