Many thanks and much love to ShearEnvy, livie79, roglows and bashfulfan.
If you are a person who likes to keep track of a story timeline, the date of Ben's death is July 26th. If I were a more organized person that date would have been in the first chapter...but I am not.
Chapters will flip between current time and flashbacks. Flashback chapters are in italics.
On with it!
June 2nd
"Miss Weber. Miss Swan."
There's no hiding the fact that he says my name with a great deal more venom than hers. She looks up at him with her big, brown doe eyes and if I didn't know firsthand how devious her mind can be, I would think she'd never had a bad intention in her life. Dean Banner nods at her indulgently.
"Since it's the last day of school, I'll let you off with a warning." I take a deep breath and release it, already halfway out of my seat. He clears his throat and I drop back down. "But before you leave I want to give you a piece of advice."
I bounce my knee, hoping this lecture will be on the short side.
"When you get to high school the faculty there won't be as understanding as I've been over the years."
"That was you being understanding?" I ask. Angela shakes once beside me and I can practically feel the laughter she's holding back. When I glance at her I can't see it, though. She's always been able to keep a straight face.
Dean Banner stiffens, clearing his throat again before he continues.
"Your brother has certainly left some big shoes for you to fill, Bella. Perhaps that's part of the problem you've had here."
This time there's not even the hint of a smile on my face as I stare back at him. I've spent my entire life being compared to Ben. I could hate him, but in all honesty he's a pretty good older brother. What Dean Banner doesn't know is that school comes easily to Ben. He hardly studies. He spends most of his free time smoking pot with Edward.
"As for you, Angela. If I were you I'd take a closer look at who you choose to spend your time with. I have a feeling the stunt you pulled at lunch today wasn't entirely your idea."
Angela threw the first handful of jello, but he's right...it wasn't entirely her idea. There's still a tiny fleck of creamed corn in his hair.
I smile as sweetly as I can and wait a beat. "Is that all?"
He dismisses us tersely and Angela tells him to have a good summer. I stay silent.
We both stop as his office door closes behind us.
"Holy crap," she whispers, looking around.
The floor is covered in discarded math tests and english essays; lockers abandoned, their doors left open haphazardly. Neither of us speak, taking it in as we make our last pass through the school we've both been in since kindergarten. A few minutes ago there was giddy chaos here and now it will sit empty and quiet all summer. One of the janitors passes by pushing a large broom, making a clean path on the linoleum.
A teeny, tiny part of me wonders how it feels to do what Dean Banner does, sitting in the same chair year after year while everyone around him moves on. I wonder if it makes him sad.
That thought disappears the second I see the front doors. We start to run, shrieks echoing off of the painted brick as we push through the doors and into the sunshine.
July 10th
I don't have much to show for the summer except a tan. Stretching my legs toward the sky, I point my toes and flex them, watching the muscles in my brown legs lengthen and contract. I've spent the summer by our pool and by July it's starting to get old.
Maybe this week Ben will take me and Angela to the river where all the high school kids hang out. He and Rosalie go down there pretty much every night.
"Weren't you going to Angela's?" Rosalie asks, stretched out on her stomach next to me. I'm lucky Ben is dating someone I like. She's here all the time.
"Yeah, I'm supposed to." I love Angela but we're sick of each other. There's nothing to do and this summer there's been what seems like an unlimited amount of time to do it.
"We're going to watch a movie," she says, the corner of her mouth turning up as she flips the page of the magazine in front of her. I think I know what 'watching a movie' really means.
"Ew."
She laughs.
Even though I'd rather just sit here, I stand up and pull on my shorts and sandals.
I walk past Ben, who is pulling himself up and out of the pool. He pushes his brown hair out of his eyes. "Where you going?"
"Ang's," I mumble.
He lunges for me and I'm not fast enough to escape his grasp. I scream, thrashing my arms and legs as he holds me over the pool, laughing as I yell at him to put me down.
"Idiot!" I shove him in the chest when my feet are safely on the ground. He hardly moves, despite the fact that I use all my strength.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay and hang out? Edward's coming over. We're gonna skate," he says. I haven't seen either of them with a skateboard since they all got their driver's licenses. I recognize excitement in Ben's eyes. Give him something steep to slide down and he's happy.
Rosalie frowns. "I thought we were going to watch a movie."
"After, babe," he says, his voice low.
I cover my ears with my hands and walk toward the back gate. "Ew. Ew. Ew," I repeat.
When I look back they're smiling at each other, and it's still gross but it's nice to be around people who are happy.
The gate clicks shut behind me, and I get a few steps before I stop.
Everything stops.
My heart ceases beating and the wind dies and earth's rotation slows to a halt.
I should stop staring, but at the sight of it my whole body stops working at the same time.
Maybe this happens to every girl the first time she sees a real, live penis.
I mean, I'm not a total prude. Angela's mom has a book in the bottom drawer of her dresser that was far more informative than the cartoon film strips we watched in sex ed. Even that book didn't prepare me for this, though. Edward's hand is holding...it...loosely, the other bracing him against the garage. He's peeing. He's peeing on the neighbor's garage and I'm watching. By the time I manage to look up he's staring back at me.
Time restarts and I inhale slowly.
He doesn't turn away, he just finishes, shaking it before tucking it back in his shorts, his head bent forward. His tanned torso is shiny with sweat in the hot sunshine and he stomps on his skateboard so it flips up into his hand.
As he walks by me he pauses and I smell cut grass, chlorine and clean sweat. "You're welcome," he says under his breath. Goosebumps raise up on my body despite the heat.
"You're gross," I lie.
He just gives me his usual, sideways smile and walks into my back yard. I'm frozen until I hear him speak.
"Your sister just saw my dick."
I run all the way to Angela's, leaving Ben yelling my name behind me.
Angela's taller than me and almost every boy in our class. She sometimes sits hunched over, her shoulders rounded and her head dipped down, but not today. Today I saw a penis, and Angela's back is straight as an arrow as she demands details, and then when that fails to satisfy, she demands an illustration.
She's pacing in front of her bed where I've got a notebook in my lap, her arms clasped behind her back like a drill Sergeant. I wish she could see herself like this, her neck long and her shoulders square. She's really pretty - prettier than I am. Smarter, too. Sometimes I wonder why she's friends with me.
"Do you want me to draw it...peeing?"
"Gross. No."
She gives me a stern look and I go back to drawing, thrusting the notebook toward her when I'm done. Her face goes bright red when she looks down at the page and she claps a hand over her mouth. We giggle so hard that we both end up laying on her bedroom floor clutching our stomachs.
Ben looks up and smiles when I walk in, late to dinner again. My parents both give me a stern look and I flop down in my chair, my plate already waiting. Family dinner is the one ritual our family always observes.
"Seared ahi with mango chutney," my mom says, sighing. "Luckily it will still be good cold."
"I don't care that it's the middle of summer. Dinner is at 6pm sharp and this is the third time you've been late this week," my dad says. He checks his watch and I feel a wave of guilt because I know he has to go back to the office. "And after the trouble you had at school this year you should be on your best behavior."
I start to protest because, seriously, Dean Banner was out to get me and it was just one little food fight... and Mrs. Cope totally marked her attendance sheet wrong that one day, but Ben interrupts.
"Aw, lay off her," Ben says. "I'm going out with Rose tonight but maybe we can all go for ice cream after dinner tomorrow?"
My mom smiles warmly. "That's a great idea."
"I have to prepare for that meeting on Wednesday…" my dad says. He rubs his forehead and my mom touches his arm.
"We can do it another night," she says gently.
Ben has the same apprehensive look on his face that I do, but my mom changes the subject and by the time dinner is over I've forgotten about it. Ben leaves and so does my dad. My mom and I load the dishwasher. We used to have a maid that came every day but my mom said she feels like she doesn't have a purpose unless there's cleaning to do so we let her go.
I spend the evening reading on the screened in wrap-around porch. It's my favorite spot in the whole house. Before my parents go to bed, my mom comes out and crosses her arms.
"Don't stay up too late. Your father has to get up early."
"He's not even back yet." I would have heard the garage door.
She pinches the bridge of her nose. "He's working really hard, Bella."
"I know." My dad always works a lot but this year has been different. He's gone more and when he is home he seems distracted. "Goodnight, mom."
She kisses my forehead and flips off the lights in the living room on her way upstairs. I take a minute to enjoy the summer silence; crickets and ticking sprinkler systems and the whine of mosquitoes on the other side of the screens.
In the quiet I can hear footsteps approaching, pausing at the front walkway and turning to walk toward the house. As they approach I can tell it's Ben and Rosalie. They sit on the front steps, speaking in voices low enough that I can't hear the words. I pick my book back up and tune them out.
I've started to doze off by the time Ben comes through the porch door. He sees me and stops. I sit up, stretching and rubbing my eyes and he smiles at me before he sits on the arm of the couch. I don't have to work hard to guess what he's going to say.
"About earlier…"
"Oh my god." I cover my face with my hands.
"Edward's a prick." He laughs and I hide a smile. "He's just messing with you because he thinks you have a crush on him."
I blush slightly but try to hide it as I drop my hands.
"I just want to make sure you're not, like, traumatized."
"Only by this conversation."
We both smile and I run my hands through my hair.
"I just want to protect you. At least from the guys we know."
I smile halfheartedly and he dips his head to catch my eye.
"You're a knockout, kid. I'm prepared to fight them off." He palms his fist menacingly but his good humor shines through.
Despite myself, I grin.
"I'm going to bed." He stops with his hand on the doorknob. "You want to come to the river tomorrow?"
"Seriously?" I ask, sitting upright and forgetting my embarrassment.
"Yeah. Ang can come too, if she wants."
"What about mom?" She hates us going there.
"I'll take care of it."
He says good night and goes inside. Dropping back on the couch, I smile.
It doesn't take long for my mind to wander back to the alley. I hear Edward say "dick" in my head and I'm blushing again, my face hot. I squeeze my eyes shut and picture the whole thing over again. The way he said it like it was no big deal, like he talks about it all the time, makes my stomach feel weird. A weird feeling down low like I get on a roller coaster or driving fast on a hilly road. I squeeze my thighs together and it aches a little like when I hit my funny bone.
I close my eyes and imagine his lips on my neck, my chest...the weight of his body on mine, between my thighs.
I think about the river tomorrow and in my mind I pick out what bikini I'm going to wear and what cut-off shorts. I'm going to knot my hair on top of my head and wear the Gucci sunglasses my parents bought me for graduation.
It's fleeting, but for just a second I feel like this summer is the best I'll ever have.
Thank you for reading!