Love to ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79. And to you for reading.
The ringing phone wakes me up. I don't have to check the clock to know it's early. Too early.
"Hello?" I keep my voice low.
"It's Jasper."
I sigh, sitting up in bed. Even in the early dawn light I can tell today is going to be stormy. It's hot in here already. Add central air to the list of things I miss.
I rub my eyes, annoyed that he's following up on our conversation already.
"Look, I tried to call Rose and she hung up. I'm taking that as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to me."
"That's not why I'm calling."
Dropping back on my bed, I stare at the ceiling. "Then what do you want?" Of all my old friends, the fact that Jasper's the one I keep hearing from is bizarre.
When he speaks again he slurs. He didn't wake up early. He's still up. I roll my eyes. "I need to get ahold of that little friend of yours." There's another voice in the background. Someone laughs.
"Alice?"
"Yeah, Alice," he says, and it sounds like he's smiling.
"Jasper, the sun isn't even up yet."
"C'mon. Hook it up." Jasper only talks like that when he's drunk. "Edward and I will meet you at that park by the Dairy Queen...by the waterfalls. One hour."
Edward is with him.
I turn to the mirror that's propped up against my wall and take in my unbrushed hair and tanned skin. I prop the phone between my shoulder and ear and start to gather my hair so I can put it up in the hair tie around my wrist.
"I don't know…" I pretend I'm thinking it over but I'm already out of bed, kicking clothes around until I find my favorite cut-offs; the ones that fit like they were made just for me.
"Come on, Swan," he says, like I owe him one.
"One hour."
I hang up the phone and dial Alice's number.
I'm sitting on the porch watching the rain when Alice pulls up. I walk to her mom's sedan holding my raincoat over my head. It's already too hot to wear it.
"You're lucky I love you," Alice says as I climb in, the sky casting a greenish light over the whole neighborhood.
She's sleep-rumpled in her shorts and tank top, pillow marks on her right cheek. I'm dressed similarly, but I'm not even a little bit tired. I'm anxious. She looks me over.
"You okay?"
"Edward's with him," I say.
She raises her eyebrows in understanding. "Oh."
Before she puts the car in drive she turns to me. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
I nod, trying to calm my racing heart and shaky hands. Alice stays quiet but I can feel her glance at me every few blocks.
When we get there I see Jasper's town car running. His driver has a newspaper unfolded over the steering wheel. Alice looks at me.
"I know you used to be rich or whatever but this is on a whole other level."
I know what she means.
"'Used to be' is the key phrase there."
It's not like I've lied to her, exactly. It's just rare that I discuss my old friends, my old school or my old life. When I do, I have a tendency to skim over certain details like prominent last names, school crests and cars that cost more than some people's houses.
It's not like I'm destitute, though. There are many people who have a lot less than I do, even now. Alice is one of them.
She shrugs. I don't think she would care if I lived in a cardboard box or a mansion. It's one of the many reasons I love her.
We get out of the car and start walking toward the spot that Jasper specified. The sound of the rushing water swells as we round the corner and the bridge that sits right at the apex of the waterfalls comes into view.
Edward's walking across the ledge with his arms held out for balance as the water rushes beneath him. There's a small bottle of liquor in one hand and he stops to take a drink, almost choking on it when he sees me and Alice. He hesitates and my heart is in my throat until he jumps off the ledge, stumbling slightly when his feet hit the ground.
"This is who we're meeting?" Edward asks. Jasper stands up from where he was sitting on the other side of the bridge, out of sight.
I look behind them, at the water dropping a hundred feet into the creek below.
"Fuck," Edward says, glaring at Jasper. He screws the top on the bottle and tosses it at him, a little harder than necessary. Jasper catches it against his chest with both hands, grinning.
"You didn't tell him?" I ask Jasper.
He shrugs.
"You're an asshole," I say.
"Whatever, this isn't a social call," Jasper says. "I don't socialize on the west bank. This is strictly business."
All four of us are still, letting that resonate. Edward walks a few feet away, his hands clasped behind his neck and his body tense like he's trying to keep himself from hitting Jasper. That would make two of us.
Alice glances at me. "Let's just get this over with."
This isn't how I imagined this playing out at all.
We walk toward the two of them as Jasper looks both of us up and down. I'm not sure I've ever hated him as much as I do right now.
Then he winks at me and I get the uneasy feeling that this is somehow part of his master plan.
Edward pulls his hat down so I can't see his face, his hands shoved in his pockets.
"How much do you want?" Alice asks.
"How much can you get?" Jasper responds.
Alice just stares at him.
"God. Fine. You two are no fucking fun. I want an ounce."
"You got me out of bed for an ounce?"
She pulls a plastic bag out of her backpack and tells him the price.
He frowns. "Are you kidding me? My guy usually-"
"Your guy, I guarantee, is selling you shit," she says. Edward laughs and I find myself smiling, too.
"I want another sample," Jasper says, raising his chin.
Alice pulls a joint out from behind her ear and holds it out. Jasper takes it and lights it, and for the first time Edward seems to relax a little. Jasper passes to him and I watch him hit it, smoke trailing over his face, his eyes squinting against it. He nods as he passes it to Alice.
"I'd pay double for that shit," Edward says. She raises an eyebrow at Jasper.
I hit it and watch Edward. He's staring at me like he was the other night.
The joint makes another round and as I'm passing it Edward takes a step closer to me. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
I glance at Alice before I nod.
One look at Jasper confirms my suspicion that this was part of his plan. Even though he's a devious prick I wonder if sometimes when no one's looking, he means well.
Probably not.
We walk across the bridge. Once we're out of earshot we stand facing the falls. It's easier like this, if we aren't looking at each other.
"Sorry," he says, shaking his head. "I'm fucked up right now."
I wish I had a bottle of water.
"It's okay. I'm super high," I say. Weed makes my thoughts into words without my permission.
He laughs once. "How you been?" he asks.
I smile. Small talk. "Okay. You?"
There's a long pause. "I'm alright."
Neither of us say anything for a long time and I remember that we didn't really know each other like this. We were usually with Ben, with the exception of the days before he died; days I try not to think about.
"Good talk," I say, awkwardly.
When I glance at him he's staring straight ahead.
"I mean, we were friends once, right? We should be able to...talk." I say it as much to myself as to him.
"Were we?" he asks, flatly.
I swallow hard, wounded by his bluntness.
"Why are you just showing up everywhere all of a sudden?" he asks, his tone sharp.
My skin goes cold despite the heat.
"You can't just act like nothing happened," he says.
I face him, but he doesn't turn. I'm not sure if he means Ben or with us or because we moved, but honestly it doesn't matter.
"I'm not pretending nothing happened."
Even though I'm the one in the wrong here, I didn't expect him to be this angry.
"Look, Edward, I'm sorry. I probably should have called, or-"
His laugh cuts me off. It's not really a laugh, though. His expression is dark.
"I'm sorry," I say again, quieter. He won't look at me and now I want him to. I need him to. I step in front of him.
He pulls his hat down and even though I shouldn't, I reach up and grab the brim. He hesitates, but after a second he ducks his head so I can lift it off of his head. That tiny concession, the reminder of a day we had together before things fell apart, makes tears swell hot behind my eyes. Until this moment I wasn't sure he remembered it.
For the first time I see his face clearly in the early morning light. His eyes are red and I can tell that he's been drinking but he looks good. So good and so sad.
We stand there for too long.
"Angela?" I ask, and I can tell it's the one word he doesn't want to hear me say.
He looks down.
"I hope you two are happy," I mumble.
"No, you don't," Jasper says from behind Edward. His gaze bounces between the two of us as he and Alice walk up together, a grin on his face.
"Shut up, Jas," Edward says. He doesn't say it with anger, though. He just sounds tired. I hand him his hat and Jasper watches that closely. Alice nods toward the cars and I fall into step with her as she starts to walk.
I can hear the boys follow us. She gets in the driver's side and shuts the door, her engine clanking slightly as she starts the old car. Jasper and Edward are getting in the back of the town car but Edward stops.
"Maybe I'll see you around."
Despite what he said earlier, he sounds almost hopeful.
They pull out first. The a/c in Alice's car is broken and all I want is for her to start driving so we can get a breeze. I roll down my window.
"You didn't tell me he was so hot."
I try to keep my smile contained. "Whatever."
"Guys like that…" she shakes her head, "...trouble."
I'm inclined to agree.
He calls late but I'm up, sitting in the kitchen eating cereal. I grab the phone off the wall and answer through a mouth full of Cheerios.
"Hey," he says. He doesn't announce himself and I don't have to ask who it is. "Jas gave me your number…"
I hear my dad clomping down the creaky stairs from their bedroom. He's in his underwear and glasses and nothing else. So embarrassing. "Who the hell is calling so late, Bella? Tell your friends some of us have jobs we have to get up for in the morning."
I cover the mouthpiece too late for Edward to miss it all. My face feels hot.
"It's Edward," I say.
He pauses. "Cullen?"
"Yeah."
We stare at each other for a long beat and he nods. "Okay. Go to bed when you're done."
I don't miss the slump of his shoulders as he turns to go back upstairs. I know he feels guilty that we had to move so soon after the accident. Any reminder of our former life is still painful for both of my parents.
"Hi," I say into the receiver. "It was my dad."
"I didn't realize what time it was." I imagine him in his big room in his big house; he could practically throw a party on one end of the mansion and no one would notice.
"It's okay."
"So...I told Angela I saw you. She wants to hang out."
I stare at the cereal in my bowl. It's starting to get soggy.
"Really?"
"That's what she said." The way he says it makes me think he doesn't believe it. "We're all going down to the river tomorrow…"
I hear a female voice whisper something in the background. The scene on the other end of the phone flashes through my mind; Edward sitting on the edge of his bed with Angela pressed up against him, the two of them sharing the earpiece.
"Can I bring Alice?" I'm proud that the words come out strong.
"Yeah. Of course."
"Okay. See you then, I guess."
Neither of us know what to say after that. I keep my mouth closed against all the questions I have.
If I was a more spiteful person I would ask him if he remembers kissing me. I would ask if he remembers how my skin felt under his, just so she would hear it.
There's no joy in that, though.
I sigh.
"What?" he asks.
My face flushes. "Nothing." I drop the spoon in my hand and rub my eyes. "Sorry. I'm tired."
"Okay. Maybe we'll see you tomorrow."
We.
Fuck.
I have terrible, twisted dreams all night. I need to learn to recognize a bad omen when I see one.
Emmett comes with me and Alice. Everyone stares as we walk up... that part I expected.
What I didn't expect was for Mike Newton to walk up and give me a hug. "Hey, Bella." It's genuine and it's almost worse than being shunned like an outcast, because it reminds me that these people are human. It's easier to demonize them.
Tyler walks up and gives me a hug as well. Then Jacob, who whispers "we're all really sorry about Ben." I have to clench my teeth to hold back tears. Then it's a string of people, meaningful shoulder squeezes and condolences. It takes me a second to realize that this feels like a funeral.
I start to unconsciously back away from all of them when I spot Angela from across the fire.
She gets up and hugs me, but it lacks the warmth that the previous greetings had. Stepping back, she asks me polite questions about my parents, but I get the feeling her smile is a facade.
"What's your new school like?" she asks.
"It's okay. I don't miss the uniforms and the teachers are…" I fade off as she waves and smiles at someone behind us. Her expression is aloof when she looks back at me.
"That's great." She could not sound less sincere. My throat feels tight.
The silence starts to get awkward.
Edward makes his way over and it's obvious that he's been drinking heavily. Angela puts her arm through his but he hardly seems to notice.
"Edward, this is Emmett." He greets Emmett by handing him a bottle of dark rum. Emmett grins.
Lauren and Jessica walk up and we hug, even though I've never particularly liked either of them.
"Cute tank top," Lauren says, looking me over in a way that I recognize. She and Jessica are taking mental notes so they can gossip about me later. Angela does it, too, and I wonder when exactly she crossed over to the dark side.
"What else have you been up to?" I ask Angela, hoping she'll defrost and I can catch a glimpse of my old friend.
"I'm head cheerleader next year," she says, shrugging and smiling, but carefully watching my reaction.
"It's awesome," Lauren says.
"So awesome," Jessica says.
I stop. "I thought Rosalie was promised that spot." It was always understood that Rose would be head cheerleader her senior year.
"Yeah. She kind of...had some trouble this year." She looks at me pointedly and shrugs. "And since I was her second I was chosen, even though I'll only be a junior. It's the first time a junior has been head cheerleader."
"Totally amazing," Lauren says.
"Totally," Jessica says.
Somehow by dismissing Rose she's dismissing Ben...dismissing me. The Angela I remember wouldn't do that.
Jasper's watching us from by the bonfire, his chair close enough that he can probably hear our conversation. He's openly scowling at Angela, and while I'm not surprised that he still hates her, I start to understand why he's been pushing me and Edward together.
"I'm not surprised she had a tough year," I say.
Angela squares her jaw and doesn't meet my eyes. "Yeah, well, I guess we're all just trying to get over the past and move on."
Edward drops her arm, pulling his hat down. He takes a long pull off the bottle before handing it back to Emmett, who is frowning at Angela. He and Alice were there through some of the worst months of my life. To him I'm sure her rudeness is unexpected. He doesn't exactly know how I left things here, though. I'm not blameless.
I catch Angela staring at me. We meet eyes and for a second I catch a glimpse of anger and hurt and so much pain that it makes my eyes water. She whispers something to Edward before abruptly turning and walking away.
There's no doubt in my mind that we owe each other an apology. Many apologies. My feet won't move, though.
Jessica and Lauren offer limp goodbyes and follow her.
I feel Alice wind her arm through mine. Jasper chooses that moment to walk up. He tries to put his arm around Alice's shoulders and she shrugs it off.
"Dude," she says. "I told you no touching." There's just the hint of a smile on her face, though.
Her brush-off doesn't seem to faze him. It does faze Emmett, though.
"Who's this?" he asks, his voice gruffer than normal.
Jasper's gaze pans from his feet all the way up Emmett's 6'4" frame. He arrives at his face. "Who invited Andre the Giant?"
Emmett bristles and I put a hand up. "He's cool. I mean...not cool. But there's no need to get all manly about it."
Jasper laughs. Emmett does not, keeping his eyes on Jasper as he hands the bottle back to Edward, who drops it in the sand. Jasper grabs his arm to steady him and picks up the bottle. "Jesus, Edward. Get it together," he says under his breath.
"We should go," I say, starting to feel the weight of being here, on this beach, with these people. It feels wrong. Very wrong. I catch a glimpse of Angela down the beach, her back to us.
"Don't go because of her," Jasper says, nodding toward Angela. He says something under his breath that makes Edward shove him away with one hand.
"Fuck you, Jas," Edward says.
Jasper puts his hands up. "Sorry. Whatever."
Jasper gives me a long look before he walks away, dropping back into his chair. A girl behind him hands him his drink and I almost laugh, but it's too sad. I have to get out of here. It's like a parallel universe. I know I've changed but despite appearances the dynamics on this side of the river have completely shifted.
Emmett and Alice start walking but I hang back, standing in front of Edward.
"She didn't mean it."
I hate that he's explaining for Angela, but I suppose that's what you do when you're in a relationship.
"I'm not so sure that's true."
Something flashes across his face and he takes a sip of the rum, sloshing some into the sand.
"Can you blame her?"
I'm sure there's something I should say here, but he's too drunk and even though they're pretending not to, everyone around the fire is watching us. I turn, moving toward Alice and Emmett.
"Yeah, just walk away. You're fucking great at that."
I hold it together until I get home - into my room and into my bed.
Then I cry for everything I've lost, both by fate and by choice.
Thank you for reading! See you next week. xo