Thank you to ShearEnvy, bashfulfan, roglows and livie79 for all of their support!
A note: Some people have interpreted Ben's death as suicide, but that wasn't my intention. It was an accident. It's alluded to in the first chapter but as with most of what I write, I leave a lot to be discerned by the reader...not always one of my better qualities as a writer. :)
July 25th
My parents lecture Ben through breakfast about fighting. He won't tell them who he fought with or why. He catches my eye and sends me a warning look so I keep my mouth shut, too.
My mom tells us she's having the carpets cleaned and some furniture moved to storage tomorrow. I hardly listen. I'm just relieved when they finally leave for work.
"Do you want to just hang out today? Here?"
"Sure." It's a rarity that Ben and I do that. He smiles back but there's stress behind it. I haven't seen him this down since my grandpa died a few years ago.
We spend an hour by the pool before he starts talking.
"You mad?" he asks from where he's sitting on the diving board.
I lower my book. "Mad's not the word."
"If you say you're disappointed, I'll fucking kill myself," he says. My mom said that to him at least ten times this morning.
I laugh. "No, but I'm worried about you and Rose...and you and Jasper."
"Can you believe he hit me? I've never seen that kid throw a punch."
I think about what Jasper said to me yesterday.
"I get why he's mad but...he seems, like, really mad."
Ben winces, and I can tell I'm getting to the root of things. "Their dad cheats on their mom." He shakes his head. "Doesn't even try to hide it."
"Oh." I can't think of anything else to say. Now that I know that, the situation really does seem irreparable.
He stares into the pool. His skin is a deep brown this time of summer, and last night he and Edward got stoned and shaved their heads. I found them both shirtless in Ben's bathroom, hair all over the floor. Ben was watching himself in the mirror as Edward slid the clippers slowly over his scalp. I thought my mom would lose it when she saw them, but she just rubbed her palm over Ben's head and smiled. I guess it's only July and it will grow out in time for school pictures in the fall.
"Have you ever cheated on her before?"
"I've never even thought about it. I didn't think, though. It just sort of happened. I don't know...I don't want to talk about that part."
I nod. The details don't interest me. In fact, they totally gross me out.
"Do you think I'm a bad person?"
"Everyone makes mistakes, Ben."
"This was a pretty big one."
"I'm not going to argue with you on that."
We're quiet.
The cordless phone rings next to me. I hold it out and he shakes his head. I answer anyway.
"Hi, Rose. He's in the shower."
"Oh." She sounds like she's been crying.
"You okay?"
She says she is but I doubt it's true.
"And Jasper's hand?" I'll bet it hurts pretty badly today.
She sighs. "Such an idiot. The doctor came over last night. He'll be fine but he's on painkillers. I'm sure he'll milk it for as long as he can."
I don't know what to say to that, so I don't say anything.
"Can I ask you something, Bella?"
I glance at Ben. "Sure."
"When does she get back from camp?" It doesn't escape my attention that she won't say her name.
"A week from Sunday."
She pauses. "Tell her if she knows what's good for her she'll stay away from me."
Ben is staring at me. "I'll tell her," I say quietly.
"Don't tell him I called...I don't really want to talk to him right now," she says, hanging up before I can respond.
He stands up on the diving board, looking past our yard at the treetops and white, puffy summer clouds in the sky. "I'm fucked, right?"
I can neither confirm nor deny that, but it doesn't look good.
He backflips into the pool and I get splashed with water. I protest, but only out of habit.
Edward comes over for dinner. Rose calls right after and Ben disappears with the phone. An hour passes and Edward and I are in a heated game of Mario Kart when Ben slams his bedroom door.
By the time he gets to the den he's relaxed, though. "What's up?"
I pause the game and Edward groans. He was just about to cross the finish line. I smile.
"Let's go out," Ben says. He's not talking to me.
Edward eyes him. "What'd she say?"
Ben tries to run his hands through his hair before he remembers he cut it off. He laces his hands behind his head instead. "I don't know, man. I just need to get out of here."
I set down my controller and get up, grabbing our soda cans and bringing them to the kitchen while the two of them have a hushed conversation. I'm not sure if they're speaking in low voices to keep it from me or from my parents, so I go up to my room and lay on my bed with a magazine.
Ben knocks on my door. Edward's behind him in the hallway. They both walk in. Edward has his hands shoved in his pockets and he looks around. He's probably only been in my room a handful of times in the last few years.
"You wanna come?" Ben asks.
Despite my attempt to be cool, my heart races. I look down at what I'm wearing. It's the summer uniform of shorts and a tank top, but I'm not sure where we're going.
"Just grab a hoodie," he says. "I told mom and dad."
If I answer I'm going to give away how excited I am, so I just grab a sweatshirt and my purse and follow them out to Edward's car. I hardly pay attention to where we're going until we pull up to a liquor store. Edward gets out and jogs in. Ben turns in his seat to look at me.
"We're going to Hidden."
I smile. I've never been there, but I've heard it's a nude beach.
"Edward has a fake ID?" I ask, watching him walk up to the cash register through the front window.
Ben just smiles.
Edward throws everything in the trunk and when he gets in, he takes a second to adjust his mirrors. "I saw Mike. I told them we were headed down to the river."
Ben laughs. "Fuck 'em."
I don't get it. "Why would you tell them that?"
Edward eyes me in the rearview mirror before he pulls out of the parking spot. "If we say we're going to Hidden, everyone will go to Hidden."
I think that over for a while.
"That's really rude and conceited," I say, finally.
Ben throws his head back and laughs. Edward just smiles.
"You're a fucking riot, B," Ben says.
We drive a lot farther than I thought we would, pulling into a neighborhood that runs along the train tracks. The streetlights are few and far between and there's little that would indicate there's even a lake nearby. We duck through a hole in a fence and walk along the train tracks for a few minutes before Ben stops, taking a few steps backward.
"Here," he says, nodding toward the woods.
My heart races as we approach the pitch blackness, and as we get a few steps in I stop when I can no longer see Ben in front of me. Edward bumps into me from behind.
He doesn't say anything, but he guides me, a hand on my lower back. I hold my breath the whole time, not because I'm afraid, but because I don't want him to let go. He squeezes my waist once when we get to the beach. Ben immediately finds someone he knows. Edward nods at a few people, but doesn't approach them.
There's a bonfire going and I'm disappointed to find that everyone is pretty much doing the same thing that our friends do at the river.
"No one's naked," I say to Edward.
He looks at me, smiling. "What?"
"Nothing." I may need to reconsider my sources. "Where's Ben?"
He points him out. Someone yells Ben's full name. That doesn't surprise me. Ben knows everyone.
Edward nods at the group. "They're from the west side."
I wrinkle my nose and Edward looks at me funny, like he's trying to find something in my expression.
"They're just like us, Bella."
That makes me feel petty and stupid, but also confused. I know I've heard him say things about the west side before.
"You want a drink?" he asks. I nod and he pulls a beer out of the six pack in his hand. It's a bottle so he has to open it for me.
We find a spot to sit off to the side of the action.
Ben is the center of attention, as usual. He moves back a few paces and a group of guys chant "do it" while he crouches like he's starting a sprint. When he starts running toward the fire I stop breathing.
"He's got it," Edward says. I don't relax until he's jumped cleanly over the bonfire, almost landing in a pretty blonde's lap on the other side. He stops inches from her, their faces close.
The whole beach cheers and he kisses her once on the lips before he does a victory lap, slapping hands on his way back to the girl who's holding his beer.
"Maybe Ben should be single for a while," I say. I love Rose like she's my sister but watching him like this makes me think he may need some time to settle down.
Edward shrugs. "That wasn't anything. That wasn't even a real kiss."
"What's a real kiss?" I ask, looking at him skeptically.
He looks down at me and I realize where this is going before he speaks. I can't stop smiling.
"Want me to show you?"
I don't answer the question because I'll say yes. I just tell him to shut up.
It takes me two beers to get tipsy. Girls have been circling Edward but he doesn't seem to notice, all of his attention is focused on our conversation. I can hear Ben's loud laugh from across the beach every few minutes.
"I'm kind of pissed that she lost her virginity before me," I say, my filter gone for the night.
"Was it a contest?" he asks.
I tip the beer bottle back but it's empty. I set it next to my foot in the sand.
"No. But if it was, I totally lost."
"Maybe you should wait."
I roll my eyes. "Whatever. It's not that big of a deal." I'm not sure I believe that, though.
When he doesn't respond I look at him. He's looking out at the lake. "Maybe it should be, though, you know?"
"Or maybe you should just take me in the woods and get it over with."
He laughs but frowns at the same time, exhaling a breath slowly. He looks at me and shakes his head. "You could get me in trouble, Bella Swan."
I stare at him, trying to tell how serious he is, but I don't have a chance to respond. Ben stumbles up, drunk. "Let's get outta here before it gets busted."
Looking around, I realize there are probably twice as many people as when we showed up. It's getting louder and more out of control as the minutes go by.
On the dark path, Edward guides me again, and this time his hand lingers even when we reach the edge of the woods. When he does let go, the backs of our hands touch and for just a second he hooks his index finger around my little finger, his eyes on mine.
I try not to stare at him on the way home but every time we pass a car I glance up to see his face lit by their headlights. Ben talks most of the way, recapping the night in the way that only he can. Almost everything is funnier and better and brighter the way he tells it. I've always loved that about him.
My dad comes downstairs when we get home. I try to maintain, acting as normal as I can while I get a soda out of the fridge. Ben throws his arm over my dad's shoulder, though, not bothering to hide his drunkenness. My dad just shakes his head, smiling at the three of us. I'm surprised he's still up. He looks tired.
"Your private line rang all night. I finally turned off the ringer. Rose called the house phone about six times, too."
Ben rubs his hands over his face. "Shit."
My dad looks at him. "I'm starting to get a clearer idea of why you have a black eye, son."
"Yeah... I'm an asshole."
Sighing, my dad comes over to kiss my temple before he goes upstairs. "Don't wake up your mother."
He pats Edward's shoulder as he walks by. I wait until I hear the bedroom door shut. "Hot tub?"
Ben is already picking up the phone, though. "I'll meet you out there."
I wear a bikini but it's not even my skimpiest one. I don't want him to think I'm trying too hard. Edward's got a pair of boardshorts on and I try not to stare at the way they hang on his hips. I fail. We're in the water for a few minutes when I start to feel lightheaded. He helps me out and I lay on a pool chair, cooling off in the night air. We end up side-by-side staring up at the few stars we can see in the city.
"You can totally have a beer if you want. My dad really doesn't care."
Edward shrugs. "I'm good." It isn't like him but I don't press the issue.
"I wonder if Ben's okay."
"He's probably passed out."
"Or he's still pleading for forgiveness." I sigh. "I don't want Angela to come back. Today Rose told me to keep Angela away from her."
He nods. "Sucks, but it's not really your problem."
He's both right and wrong about that. It may not be my problem but there's no way I'm going to get away without having endless conversations about it once Angela gets back.
Sitting up, I face him, wrapping my towel around my shoulders. For one long moment I let myself stare at his chest….abs...to that place where his shorts hang just a little too low.
When I glance up he's watching me, his hands behind his head. I suppose he's cocky but I don't mind. He's got good reason to be.
He sits up, facing me. He puts one leg on either side of mine and I want to touch him but I don't move.
"What if I kissed you right now?" he asks.
I'm stunned silent for a moment, not sure how serious he is. I keep my response light.
"I'm a traditional kind of girl. So then we'd have to get married."
He grins.
"Ben would be, like, your brother," I say, making a face. "He's a total pain in the ass sometimes."
"He already is my brother...and a pain in my ass."
I smile. "You'd have to put up with my mother, too."
"Your mom's the best."
I'm about to say something about his mom but I stop myself.
"Or it could ruin everything," I say, quietly. We stare at each other. "Are you being serious or…?"
He nods, glancing at my lips.
"So, do it," I say. A challenge.
He smiles. "Okay."
There's a long, liquid pause before either of us move. He leans forward and hesitantly, I do too, my lips pressing softly against his. Pulling back a few inches, I look at his face.
He's not smiling now. "That wasn't even a real kiss."
Leaning in again, I kiss him like I've always wanted to kiss him. I slide a little closer and he grabs the outsides of my thighs lightly. I touch his face...the back of his neck.
We kiss forever. We kiss until my lips hurt and I kind of lose my place, colors bursting and popping behind my eyes while I breathe in the scents of summer, chlorine and weed. We kiss so long that I forget we're outside until a chill slides across my skin, the ends of my hair wet against my back. He pulls back and I come to slowly, drunk on that feeling. I've never been kissed like that. Not even close.
When I open my eyes he's smiling.
I want to fall back on the chair and swoon and kick my legs in the air and scream but I'll do that in my bedroom later.
That kiss left me tongue-tied. I can't think of one single thing to say. He looks down. I'm winding my fingers through his. I've never felt this way about holding hands before.
"My dad gets home tonight. He leaves again tomorrow," he says.
I haven't seen his dad in years. He's almost perpetually away on business in Singapore. My head clears slightly and I realize that's probably why he didn't want to drink too much.
"That's great, Edward."
"Will you be down at the river tomorrow?" he asks.
"If Ben doesn't mind me tagging along, yeah."
"I want to be home when my dad gets there so I should go...but I'll see you tomorrow," he says.
His shirt is thrown over the back of my chair. He reaches past me to grab it and I watch him pull it on.
"I wish you didn't have to go."
He stands and grabs my hands, pulling me up with him.
This kiss is different. It's deep and sweet and still. I stand on my tiptoes to reach his lips so he doesn't have to duck his head.
We part there but I turn to watch the gate shut behind him.
I wait to freak out until I get to my room. Then I scream into my pillow and I'll probably wake up my parents but I turn on music and dance like I've never had an inhibition in my life.
Thank you for reading!