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The first thing I see when I open my eyes is Angela.

I forget everything. The last year. Ben. Edward. I smile for a split second before her eyes narrow and I realize where I am.

Bolting upright, I glance down at Edward, who is just starting to wake up. He reaches an arm overhead and opens his eyes, following my gaze to Angela and freezing mid-stretch.

"What are you doing here?" he asks her.

Her hands form fists and she hardly looks at him, her cold gaze focused on me.

"I came to get my stuff."

Edward stands, grabbing a cardboard box that's next to his nightstand. He walks over to her and holds it out, but she doesn't take it.

"How long did you wait to come over here after you heard we broke up? Twenty minutes? An hour?" she asks me.

I stand, glad to have the expanse of his king-sized bed between us. My hair must be a mess, but I don't move to fix it. "Are you seriously trying to act like you didn't do the exact same thing to me?"

She visibly bristles. "Oh, please, Bella. Just because you had some delusional crush on him doesn't mean that I, like, stole your boyfriend or something. He didn't even know you were obsessed with him. At least I didn't tell him."

I glance at Edward, but he's looking at the floor. My cheeks are definitely red.

"What?" It's all I can articulate.

It hadn't occurred to me that she didn't know we hooked up.

I slowly realize that maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was. I start to wonder if I've blown up what he and I had...what we did. We didn't take all of our clothes off. We didn't define anything between us. I start to question the quality of my memories.

Edward sets the box on his desk, rubbing his hands over his face. Angela stops glaring at me and turns to him.

"Wait...what is she talking about, Edward?"

There's defeat in his voice. "Bella and I hooked up. Not like...hooked up. But…fuck." I don't want to look at him right now, so I don't.

She blanches, frowning. I watch her work it out in her mind.

She and I stare at one another, so much unsaid that I'm not sure where to start. "I didn't know that," she says.

"But you knew how I felt...for years. You can call it a crush - or delusional- if it makes you feel better, but you can't pretend you didn't know."

I can feel Edward staring at me.

"So you just get to leave and assume that everything and everyone is just waiting for youjust in case you decided to come back?" she asks.

"No-"

"I suppose you think I deserve this, though, being such a slut and whore and a fake." Having my words thrown back at me makes me flinch.

Edward steps forward and I'm surprised that he defends me on this point. "All that shit was right after the funeral. We were all out of our fucking minds, Ang."

The familiarity in that nickname makes me feel sick. She half rolls her eyes but I can tell her anger is subsiding. Mine grows.

"You fucking lied to me! About everything. And then you sat at the funeral and cried like…" I shake my head, "...like he was yours to cry over. Like you could even begin to understand what I felt like. Or what Rose felt like."

Her face falls and I recognize the pain there. I'm reminded of what Rose said to me yesterday and I can't help but feel a little bit of compassion.

"You could have told me the truth, Angela."

I wonder if she knows what he said about her before he died. I wonder if she still thinks about him every day like I do.

"I'm sorry," she says. Her words come out with more tears. My eyes stay dry, though.

I doubt things can truly be repaired between us.

When I pick up my purse from next to his bed Edward takes a step forward.

"I'll give you a ride," he says. "Just give me a second." He glances at Angela and it's clear to all three of us that she's an afterthought.

"I can't believe this," Angela says to no one.

He ignores her.

Angela's face is red, her jaw clenched as she watches him watch me. I have to get out of this room. I mumble as much and take a step toward the door. He laughs once, and his expression hardens. "You're just gonna walk out." He states it, waiting for me to challenge him...almost begging me to challenge him.

I don't.

I don't stop walking until I'm out of his house and off of his property.

Being in my old neighborhood makes me feel even more like I don't belong here, but I don't let myself dwell on that. My head is stuck back in Edward's room, running through that awful conversation. I'm not sure where anything stands now.

A woman on her morning run goes by, giving me a wide berth. I try to tame my hair into a bun. Luckily I have a stick of gum in my purse to counteract my morning breath.

I walk to the bridge and stop before I cross it. There's a heavy concrete walkway on either side, but I've never crossed this bridge on foot, only speeding over it in a car in thirty seconds or less.

Halfway across I stop and look out at the water. Maybe I'm supposed to find answers here, like this is some metaphorical turning point for me, but all I see is trees and rushing water and mostly it just reminds me how badly I have to pee. I keep walking.

Once I'm across, I stop at the gas station to use the bathroom and to call Alice from the payphone on the outside of the building. Traffic picks up and the temperature rises with the sun. Two men walking by look me up and down. I'm still in my funeral dress, which is now wrinkled. I'm sure they think I'm on a walk of shame.

I guess I kind of am.

Alice doesn't answer her phone and I'm just about to page her when Edward's shiny, black SUV speeds into the parking lot, pulling up a few feet from where I'm standing. He takes up two parking spots, something Ben once told me they do so no one can park too close and damage their paint jobs. I told him I thought that was inconsiderate. I still do.

He rolls down the passenger side window. "Get in the car."

I just stare at him until he leans closer. His green eyes are intense. "Get in the car, Bella."

I hang up the payphone receiver, which has started beeping at me.

He reaches over to grab the door handle, pushing it open. I still don't make a move to get in, though.

"It's too far to walk."

He's got a point. I'm wearing cute, uncomfortable wedges that are already giving me blisters. When I don't answer fast enough he leans back in his seat, pulling his hat down in frustration.

He grips the steering wheel hard for a second before he turns to me. Then he speaks calmly, leaning over the seat again, eyes on mine. "Get in the fucking car."

This time I do. I get in and he peels out of the parking lot as soon as I'm done buckling my seatbelt. He drives too fast but I don't say anything. In fact, we don't speak the entire way to my house, but the silence after he pulls up and kills the engine demands to be filled.

"Why didn't you tell her about us?"

"Bella." He rubs his hands over his face. "It's not like I realized you were gone and she and I hooked up. It wasn't like that. We didn't even start talking until after school started. And it didn't seem like it was any of her fucking business."

He takes a deep breath.

"I understand it...needing to deal with shit however you can. Just to get by. But Angela was right, we weren't all just frozen, waiting for you to come back. Shit changed. I changed. Fuck...you changed."

I look away from him, out the window.

"I'm not sure I can handle going through this again, though."

I turn to him, confused and annoyed. "Handle what?"

"Watching you leave again."

"Edward, we haven't even-"

"Exactly," he says sharply, "and I'm already waiting for it."

I roll my eyes, but guilt is heavy on my chest.

"What would you have done if I didn't come find you today? Would you have called? Or just waited until I showed up on your doorstep again...or until I saw you from across the river a year from now?"

"I don't know," I say, quietly.

When he speaks again he doesn't sound angry anymore. He sounds tired and sad.

"Maybe it doesn't matter but...it's not like I loved her. She didn't feel that way about me either," he says. "It wasn't like with you, where it was all I thought about."

My chest aches.

"I just need some time," he says. "Because I don't know if I can trust you."

"Can you see how that situation was extremely uncomfortable for me?" I ask.

"Whatever. It's what you do...you run."

I pause and let that run through my head a few times before something ugly rises up inside of me.

"This is bullshit." I'm out of the car, slamming the door before he can react. He follows suit, but closes his door calmly. I storm around the car but he walks, his hands shoved in his pockets. I start yelling without regard to my neighbors or surroundings.

"Everyone wants to know how I can live with myself after abandoning all of you." I know I'm being dramatic, but I don't care. "And I don't mean to belittle your friendship, because I know how devastating that was, but he was my brother. He was a part of my life in a way that you can't understand, and you know what I was doing for that year? I was holding it together for my parents."

My eyes tear and I have to stop. When I speak again I try to keep my voice steady. "Because they lost enough. So I got up every morning and I went to school and tried to smile and pretend that all of this change was okay with me, even if most of it wasn't my choice. But it wasn't, Edward. I'm not okay."

His eyes travel over my face.

"So, I'm done apologizing for that. I'm just done. It was what I needed at the time and I'm sorry that it screwed everything up between us and drove you to Angela but I can't take that back. I have to live with that, too."

I hear the screen door open. My mom walks to the top of the stairs and stops. The look on her face lets me know that she heard everything.

I look up at Edward and speak quietly. "I want this. I want you."

He stares down at me, and even though yesterday was raw and emotional, this is the most naked expression I've ever seen him wear.

"And I'm going to run away from you sometimes and do stupid shit like try to walk ten miles home in shoes that are fucking killing me, but...I'm willing to try. Even if I fuck it up, or you fuck it up, I'm willing to try."

I leave him there, standing in the street and walk into my mom's open arms. She starts to lead me inside and I glance back once to where he's watching us. There's sadness there, but underneath that, in his square shoulders and his set jaw, there's something strong and sure that I still don't feel yet.

No matter what happens with us, I know he'll be okay.

I pour my heart out to Alice at our favorite diner over coffee. She sits with her legs criss-cross applesauce in the booth, stirring the plastic stick in her mug while I talk.

After I've fully dissected every word Edward said to me yesterday she looks down into her cup, biting her lip. "Can I say something without you getting mad?"

I smile. "Of course."

"Sometimes...and it's not that I don't get it, but sometimes, you talk about your life here like it's a step down. It makes me feel kind of shitty."

I've spent too much time talking about my losses. Too much time feeling like this is the consolation to my old life. I catch her herbal scent in the air between us and it feels like home. "The only thing I would go back for is Ben."

She raises an eyebrow.

"Maybe Edward."

She laughs and I really look at her, taking in her delicate features and the way she's effortlessly comfortable in her own skin. There's no pretense with Alice. She just is.

"I wouldn't have made it through this year without you and Emmett. I'm sorry if I don't say that enough. I really do love you."

Smiling, she sits back in the booth. "I love you, too."

I smile back at her.

"So, you really put yourself out there."

I shrug, but she's right. "And now it's been a day and I haven't heard from him."

My stomach has been in knots since our conversation. Last night I couldn't sleep.

"All that stuff he said, about how he doesn't know if he can trust me now...maybe he can't." I frown.

"Maybe he just needs time."

He did say that. Of course, I flipped out right after that, but it would be extremely hypocritical of me to deny someone time to work through something.

"I guess we'll see." I look at the empty coffee cup sitting to Alice's left. "I thought Em was meeting us."

"He had to work. But, oh my god," she says, rolling her eyes. "He's dead set on having a party Friday. His parents are out of town."

I give her a look and she nods. " I told him it was a bad idea." Last time Emmett had a party, half of our class got minor consumption tickets and the three of us spent the majority of the next day cleaning his house. "But since he's not going to listen to me anyway...maybe you could invite some of your friends from the east side."

She's hiding a smile. Narrowing my eyes, I lean closer. "Friends like...Jasper?"

She just smiles at me, her teeth white against her tanned skin. "What? He's cute. I mean, there's a distinct possibility that he's a sociopath but for some reason that kind of works for me."

I laugh, but I run through the last few times I've seen him. "He's kind of fucked up, Al. Like, for real fucked up. Coke. Bimbos. He's an 80's movie villain."

It's her turn to laugh. "I don't want to marry him, Bella. I just think he's an interesting person to know."

"Alright, I'll invite them." My mind is stuck on the last few days, though.

"How was yesterday?" she asks, gently.

I smile. "It was okay." I tell her about the golf balls and the roof.

"Can I ask you a question about Ben?" Alice rarely asks me questions about my brother, so I nod.

"What was he like?" she asks, and I realize, again, that I've been pretty closed off about most of this.

"Oh, god. He was funny…he smiled all the time. You would have liked him. He would have liked you, too." When I look up she smiles. "The day he died he had Edward look out for me because he thought I was bored and he was busy fighting with Rose...wait, let me back up. So a few weeks before that…"

Sitting back so the waitress can pour more coffee into our cups, I start at the beginning.

Please know that even though there are a few weeks between updates that I'm still writing! Thank you for reading!