TITLE: get a life
GENRE: humor, romance, friendship
RATING: we are sticking to t, no matter how many orgies may occur
WORD COUNT: 3139 or something who knows?
NOTE: i find writing this story oddly therapeutic; im rly not a (super) pottymouth irl but kil is teehee
& yes kil is writing about his potential homosexual tendencies thru his blog, but it may start to veer :-P
this is not meant in any way AT ALL to be offending if it is im very sorry cry
& btw u guys ROCK & r all super sweet thank you very much for the nice reviews /
u guys make my heart go dokidoki
sorry i take so long here have a bunch of hxh charas basically being weird in an academy seTTING THATS BASICALLY WHAT THIS IS HAHAHAH
"— ugh, I want cakeeeeee."
"... how are you not obese again?"
(The "sounding like a girl" part is heavily implied.)
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(hey you...)
can you, like, please
"G E T"
a
L
I
F
E
?
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(psh, as if— stupid.)
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;-P
ii. we're a lil too lazy for a title round here
BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ—!
"— hello, I fucking—"
"WAKE UP CALL COURTESY A LA PRINCIPAL NETERO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DON'T HIDE IN LEORIO'S OFFICE. GOOD MORNING, AND HAVE A SUPER SUNNY DAY!"
"... sigh."
CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED—!
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10:23 AM
I hate school buRN IT WITH FIRE
10:24 AM
Can't even focus right now. I'm just gonna—
Hahahaha, look at that one kid and his funny spiky hair.
10:25 AM
OMFG IS THAT SHINY EYES AWH FUCK NAH
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10:26 AM
Hahahaha, but there's no way.
Like… no way.
10:27 AM
WAIT... FUCK—?!
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WELCOME TO GMAIL:
username: killoveschoco11
password: ***************
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you have one new message!
would you like to read?
yes no
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Dear KilLovesCakes11,
Your quiz results read that you are probably straight. You're kind of an idiot for even taking this test! No, seriously, why the hell would you take this test, you ain't even gay.
That's kinda boring.
Much Love!
— the you'reprobablygaybutit'sok Team
PS. Even our Team Name is irrelevant to your life. Basically, fuck you.
PPS. BTW YOUR USERNAME IS GAY NO MATTER HOW STRAIGHT YOU ARE, ASS
FUCKING KILLOVESCAKES11
Have a super sunny day! :-D
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10:35 AM
I'M STRAIGHT AND A BOOB CHASER AND THEN INTERNAL CELEBRATION (but damn that website is not nice ouch) AND THEN Bodick took my phone… cry.
It's okay since it's not like shiny eyes can come near me right now. I think.
I think we're still having class, but I wouldn't really… know. (Smiley face.)
I dunno man, but Bodick-sensei (dick intended) took my phone, and yes, this statement must be repeated, for my phone is my life. Frowny face here.
But good God, I didn't know shiny eyes was in my class.
HELL, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS IN MY YEAR?
I ALMOST HAD A HEARTATTACK?
It's too early for this mess.
11:12 AM
Hahaha partner work. You know, if this was a shoujo manga—
11:13 AM
— WTF MY LIFE IS A SHOUJO MANGA I'M WITH SHINY EYES
I'M EITHER FUCKED OR NAH
GODDAMMIT BODICK SENSEI DICK ALWAYS INTENDED
THIS IS... AWK HOW DO I REJECT HIM HE KISSED ME UM?
11:14 AM
I'm slamming my head against my desk right now.
Repeatedly.
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11:15 AM
I stole my phone back from Bodick-sensei.
I'm substantially more okay.
11:16 AM
LOL JUST KIDDING GODDAMMIT SHINY EYES
11:17 AM
... literally dead inside.
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NOTES:
- hoW DO I EVEN
- look up gAY THERAPY BOOKS?
- is that what im supposed to look at?
- ask blondie/kirapika
- decide which nickname is better
- blondie is a girl tbh
- is he gay idk leorio really digs boobs tho
- THE TIME FOR HIM TO
- DRAW
- NEARER IS COMING
- MY ETERNAL DOOM IS COMIN
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TO: ass
FROM: kil
SUBJECT: im at a crisis
if i die today, i want you
to neveR
let hisoka near my boxer drawer
E VER
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TO: kil
FROM: ass
SUBJECT: awk
kil he raided that shit
like
three months ago oOps did i
NOT TELL U OK BYE DONT KILL ME
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username: killovescakes11
password: *************
Hello, welcome!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO:
textpost blog tweet status
14 MAY
fUCK AJDJCNJSKE?!
HISOKA GIVE ME
BACK MY
DAMN BOXERS WTF
— kil
53 COMMENTS:
onii-chan says: hiSOKAAAAAA
ilovekidsbutts says: it's pretty cute how you have cake boxers tbh
52 more comments
would you like to read?
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yes no
killovescakes11 says: FUCK U
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11:45 AM
Shiny eyes came over to my desk for our group project. I wanna say it was awkward because I made it so dramatic and epic, AND I MEAN, if MY LIFE WAS A SHOUJO MANGA, it would be.
And you know, these past few weeks it's been playing out that way. I should stop letting Alluka getting me hooked into her damn series, it's starting to destroy my manliness.
But goddammit, MAMURA, and SUZUME AND SENSEI HOW CAN YOU NOT?
… GODDAMMIT.
11:46 AM
I'm hungry uGH I HATE SCHOOL and shiny eyes takes projects seriously so he's talking about it but—
— yeah, but I'm hungry hungry and cannot function (plus I hate school and him right now.)
11:47 AM
Shiny eyes just gave me banana bread?
I HATE BANANAS but this bread is orgasmic what is this nonsense.
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12:24 PM
Shiny eyes is a funny kid. He doesn't use his phone?
HE DIDN'T OWN ONE UNTIL TWO MONTHS AGO?
That shit's just primal, man.
It took him like fifteen minutes to type that one text he sent me, hahaha, oh shiny eyes.
12:25 PM
Good kid, that shiny eyes.
12:27 PM
Why do I feel as if I'm forgetting something important?
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12:29 PM
Who the hell even cares I'm going to go steal Leorio's bento.
He has homemade bento these days? Where does he get this stuff from? He won't tell me, and… it kinda sucks.
Mostly because I WANT FREE NICE BENTOS TOO.
I mean, Mom could always do it but...
Shudders.
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1:34 PM
FUCK, WAIT ONE SECOND (or hour goddammit me) SHINY EYES WASN'T AWKWARD?!
1:35 PM
WAIT A MINUTE—
1:36 PM
DID THAT BITCH FORGET HE KISSED ME?
1:37 PM
AHSJDNFNSKKELDSHSK?!
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username: killovescakes11
password: *************
Hello, welcome!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO:
textpost blog tweet status
SETTINGS:
public private
14 MAY
wait oNE DUCKING SECOND
Shizuka-sensei said that I need to type the blog posts with proper grammaR
BUT FUCK THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW
wtF IS GRAMMAR
SHINY EYES FORGOT HE RIPPED MY FIRST KISS FROM ME LIKE HARDER THAN WELL... you know, YOU KNOW
WTF
YOU DON'T FORGET THAT KIND OF STUFF
bc when they do that iN SHOUJO MANGA SHIT HITS THE FAN
not that i read that stuff...
yeah.
sweats nervously.
— kil
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14 MAY
well okay maybe a little
but c'MON I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO ENDS UP WITH EACH OTHER
LIKE HOLy shouJO
and nobody steals kisses in THERE
GODDAMMIT
ok they do… but
god this is never going to be published publicly
EVER
— kil
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NOTES:
- boys suck
- boys suck dick
- jk i'm a boy
- im possibly gay
- fuck
- but that email saID
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username: killovescakes11
password: *************
Hello, welcome!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO:
textpost blog tweet status
SETTINGS:
public private
15 MAY
yeh yeh yeh
but for the record future me and future therapist— bc this will scrEW ME UP IN THE HEAD
it's not like I have anything against gays
but it's juST… I'VE ALWAYS BEEN STRAIGHT
although I've never really liked a girl i guess
because you know
GIRLS
they're like ALLUKA and ALLUKA is my sister and
she's a lil psycho in the head.
cute, but totally psycho.
WAIT, DO YOU THINK THIS MEANS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN GAY, THERAPIST?
can you even turn gay or… is this a lifestyle choice?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
... but that email says I'm straight
ugh I just need ice cream therapy or frozen watermelon
& don't give me that look therapist it tastes good
TBH I DONT EVEN HAVE A THERAPIST
I'm just stressed and talking to myself
I'm hella gonna need a therapist
it'd suck so much if I wrote all this and nobody reads it like wow
waste of my thoughTFUL CAPITALIZATIONS AND VIVID JOURNEY INTO GAYDOM MUCH?
— kil
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ONE NEW NOTIFICATION!
TWITTER: killovescakes11 stop screaming, gtfo, and eat
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username: killovescakes11
password: *************
Hello, welcome!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO:
textpost blog tweet status
15 MAY
screams silently
DOES THIS MAKE ME LIKE HISOKA
FUCK
— kil
19 COMMENTS:
leorio says: W HAT
leorio says: WE C ANNOT BE FRIENDS ANYMORE
leorio says: W HAT ARE YOU SAYING
leorio says: D UDE
ilovekidsbutts says: hehehehehehheheehehee
15 more comments
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NOTES:
- i thought i was on p rivATE
- dying
- dead
- oops
- my mom's gonna call in 3... 2... 1
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BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ—!
"Kil here, leave a message... and no, Mom, I don't want to take over 'the business' PLEASE STOP ASKING BYE."
"But Kiiiiiiiiiiiillu, I just— Mama just wants you to come home so she can touch you lovingly and, you're just such a genius with the knife, and Hisoka-chan would love to take you on—"
DELETE MESSAGE?
yes no
ARE YOU SURE?
yes no
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2:47 PM
I should probably stop skipping Bodick's lessons, but he's such a fucking weird guy that I can't help it.
It's just.
Yeah.
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2:56 PM
"— aren't you gonna have like, attendance issues?"
I glance over at Leorio as he stares back at me, squinty eyes and all. I squint back.
"No," I say slowly (because he's an idiot).
2:57 PM
"— by the way, write me a doctor's note."
"... ARE YOU JUST USING ME?!"
"... no."
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3:01 PM
After several minutes of persuading Leorio that no, I do appreciate him and all his fugly middle aged-ness, Shizuku (the psycho lady with the boobs and "i'll eat your babies") slammed the door open.
"— LEORIO, ARE MY THIGHS BIG?"
IS THIS WHAT TEACHERS USUALLY DO?
3:02 PM
Leorio's sweating a lot. It's kinda... gross.
3:03 PM
Shizuku-sensei is one scary ass mother fucker.
LIKE H O L Y SHIT.
She looks pissed.
At Leorio, I mean. I'm just an innocent bystander.
Plus, there'd be lawsuits if she attacked me.
3:04 PM
"... um, no?"
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NOTES:
- leorio is useleSS
- shizukU-sensei BODY SLAMMED HIM H OLY
- lololOLOLOL
- "WHY'D YOU WAIT SO MANY DAMN MINUTES"
- "FUCK YOU FUCKING 50 YR OLD"
- shizu sensei so cray tbh
- AND FUCKING SCARY WOW THAT WAS ONE BADASS KICK
- women my g od
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3:24 PM
"— oh, so you were just properly observing them," Shizuku-sensei murmurs thoughtfully. Her eyes quickly shift towards her (slim— SHE CAN SMELL FEAR) thighs. Leorio's face is smashed in as he nods quickly and looks terrified.
I'm horrified because women, my god.
They're like super mutants, I swear on my life.
3:25 PM
"But they better be damn skinny, or I'll shove your fucking thermometer up your ass," insert smiley face here.
Leorio screams.
3:26 PM
"— LEORIO, YOU'RE DISTURBING THE ENTIRE..."
OH MY—
OH MY G OD LEORIO HAS THE SHITTIEST LUCK.
3:28 PM
You know, in Leorio's defense, when Blondie slams the door open, Leorio isn't even checking Shizuku-sensei out as she puts him into the Boston crabhold (WHICH INVOLVES SKINSHIP).
It just looks... kinky.
And wow, Blondie hasn't even moved, AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKO TACO.
3:29 PM
"— oh Kurapika, what're you doing just standing in the doorway...?"
OH MY G OD IS THAT SHINY EYES.
CAN'T BE… RIGHT.
3:32 PM
... basically ded
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4:04 PM
... I think I just heard Leorio's bone crack.
Cue screams of terror.
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username: killovescakes11
password: *************
Hello, welcome!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO:
textpost blog tweet status
17 MAY
the only words i can say
are oh my g od bc oh my g od
hahahahahahhahahahaa laughs hysterically
I'm either eternally scarred or just traumatized or...
it's just seriously funny.
im banking on it being just fucking hilarious.
bASICALLY, leo got his ass kicked by two girls (Blondie questionablE). AND ME AND SHINY EYES BONDED BECAUSE ROUND TWO OF TRAUMA
we got to go the hospital with everybody because shiny eyes passed out again and Leo was in, yanno, pain
and we got to see his hospital record I'm still dying
girl 1: "YOU'RE UNDER 50
girl(/boy... thing): "WHAT THE HELL"
me: lol
leo: SCREAMS OF PAIN
girl1&2: SCREAMS OF HORROR
and then they fought in the hospital idk why
I mean I would've helped but like...
shudders.
women.
(blondie still questionable)
— kil
47 COMMENTS:
leorio says: ow
shizuku-sensei says: ^fucker
kirapika says: ^^asshoLE
netero says: ... but we're an all dudes school
43 more comments
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killovescakes11 says: clearly YOU haven't seen blondie yet, eh, netero?
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18 MAY
i hearin da 1d
TURN IT OFF GODDAMMIT MY BRAIN IS MELTING
— kil
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SETTINGS:
public private
19 MAY
& i'll tell my kids about it
they'll probs call me gay
i'm gonna do some recon on this shiny eyes guy
BC HE FORGOT, PRETTY MUCH
his banana bread is still fucking awesome though oh my
i mean pshhH, not like I CARE that he forgot alright?!
like i'll just bury it deep, deep into my questionably homosexual past.
I MEAN I— I LIKE GIRLS. HE JUST— LIPS
NVM
I HATE MYSELF
even so...
shudders. w omen though— shizuku-sensei is one scary as shit lady
and then there's bisky but...
caN'T EVEN
— kil
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NOTES:
- JUST GOT THE NOTIFICATION
- MY 'NET BILL IS IN MY MAILBOX
- OH MY G OD
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2:36 AM
Why, you might ask, am I awake at half past two in the morning?
It's because I'm a fierce night owl who prowls in the dead of night. BAM DIGGITY.
I'm a little tipsy, okay.
… back off.
2:37 AM
Just kidding.
Leorio and Netero are just assholes who mooch off my high speed internet and play RPGs the entire damn night.
THEY NEED TO GET OUTTA MY ROOM AND GET A HELLUVA LIFE.
("HYPOCRISY!"
"SHUT UP AND GET OUT.")
2:39 AM
I need to check my mail (AKA: INTERNET BILL).
2:41 AM
Damn, this hallway is creepy at night.
I feel like Hisoka is everywhere I turn.
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2:43 AM
Just kidding, I can hear Leorio and Netero being dorks two floors down.
2:45 AM
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
THERE GOES SHIZUKU-SENSEI ROUND TWO I'M DYING.
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2:55 AM
I SEE MY MAILBOX, BANZAI!
Thank god, I was beginning to think Hisoka would pounce on me or something.
IT'S REALLY SCARY AT NIGHT, OKAY?
I CAN FEEL THE JUDGEMENT FROM MILES AWAY.
2:56 AM
In retrospect, I really shoulda bought Leorio as bait.
Not like he could run.
2:57 AM
(Shizuku-sensei and Blondie broke his butt.)
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2:58 AM
— HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA DYING OW MY HEART OH MY G OD
He has an inflatable butt riNG FOR WHEN HE SITS DOWN I CAN'T EVEN THINK COHERENTLY RIGHT NOW TBH I'M SORRY
CAN'T EVEN THINK W/O SHORTENING OH MY G OD
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2:59 AM
Ahem, mail. Right.
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3:03 AM
ALLUKA HAS GOTTA STOP SENDING ME HER SHOUJO MAGS…
3:04 AM
Screech, Hirunaka no Ryuusei update. Oh no.
I don't even wanna look, MY LIFE.
3:05 AM
YEEEEEEEES, JUMP CAME IN. FINALLY.
Still waiting on Togashi though cry, cry, cry. Damn man makes us wait for too long, LIFE IS CRUEL.
3:06 AM
By the way, it's totally socially acceptable for a boy of my age to read these things.
Lay off, poop face.
Sorry, I'm so drunk I can't even insult right sdfghjj.
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3:07 AM
"Ah, it's the bill—"
3:08 AM
"..."
3:10 AM
Cue long girly— MANLY— scream here because I FUCKING CAN'T
3:11 AM
OH MY, SO MUCH MONEY
AND OH MY, SO BROKE
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3:14 AM
"... Killua?"
SHINY EYES, THIS IS HARDLY THE TIME FOR ALL YOUR SHOUJO COINCIDENTALS.
JUST— REALLY.
WHO THE HELL WAKES UP NOW (NOT INCLUDING ME... OR LEORIO... OR NETERO... OR SHIZUKU-SENSEI BECAUSE SHE CAN SMELL FEAR)
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NOTES:
- catch internet hijacker
- priority: 100%
- can't even eat rn bc stress
- yeah shiny eyes im talkin bout you buddy
- HE'S RIGHT NEXT TO ME RN AYYYYY
- ... all of this comes after shoujo I MEAN SHOUNEN
- godaMMIT
- togashi iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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3:26 AM
Shiny eyes literally just fell asleep standing up.
IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
HELL, I'M DRUNK— I mean tipsy— AND I CAN'T EVEN PULL THAT OFF.
3:27 AM
"... oi, Gon."
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3:29 AM
Am I the only one getting déjà vu here or nah?
... it's the drink. I'll blame it on the drink.
3:31 AM
"Oi... you're getting a little too..."
3:32 AM
"YOU DARE TO LEAN UPON THE FIERCE NIGHT OWL?!"
3:33 AM
"SHINY EYES— I MEAN GON, I SWEAR IF YOU EVEN TRY TO SMACK ONE ON ME AGAIN—"
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.
username: killovescakes11
password: *************
Hello, welcome!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO:
textpost blog tweet status
19 MAY
asjIiwkmdkWIDNNXOALA;;;;
FUCK WHY IS HE ON ME
— kil
32 COMMENTS:
onii-chan says: WHO WHO WHO WHO W HO I'LL KILL HIM
ilovekidsbutts says: sounds sexual... can i—?
31 more comments
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killovescakes11 says: N O NEVER EVER EVER
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TO: ass
FROM: kil
SUBJECT: omfg
SAVE ME
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TO: kil
FROM: ass
SUBJECT: re:RE: omfg
Hehehhehehehehee
ehjdkakwi
slkoxnwkwosozk
buttcrack
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TO: ass
FROM: kil
SUBJECT: re:RE:re: omfg
Y R U SO WASTED I'M GONNA
BEAT UP
YOUR ASS
BROKEN ASS REGARDLESS
oH MY G OD
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3:46 AM
I have to lug shiny eyes' stupid ass back to his room.
Ugh, life.
I better get some serious banana bread after this, or I'm going apeshit cray on everybody's ass (not including Shizuku-sensei, I would die.)
Deuces, Fierce Night Owl out.
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3:54 AM
"WHERE THE HELL'RE YOUR KEYS?!"
"Mmm, nooooooooooo."
"NO MY FUCKING ASS, I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR YOU, YOU—!"
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TBC.
this is probably badly edited i'm so sorry
this may go slow. i take forever w/ updates oh my
but you guys are seriously sweethearts omfg
refs:
hirunaka no ryuusei— a sweet shoujo manga but very frustrating
jump— what hxh is serialized in
togashi— the man that currently controls my life aka tHE INFURIATING AUTHOR OF HxH
TWO YEARS, TOGASHI— TWO YEARS
sorry if this story is weird
sorry if i'm weird
i have an awful sense of humor tbh lol
them shoujo refs are for you, songs
WINKS
literally laughing my ass off already oh my g od
xxx.