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I stared past the tops of the trees, trying to find the outline of mountains. It wasn't there, of course. I don't know why I was looking for it; nothing good had come from there, but I yearned for it in some way. Maybe I was mourning the loss of something, of part of myself. Maybe I thought it would help me remember all the things that Maggie had said were me. I didn't feel right. I hadn't felt safe since I woke in that upstairs room, with all those eyes watching me. I took another sip from the bottle of water between my feet.

Tiny footsteps pattered beside me, hesitant, and then drumming forward, only to pause again. "Beff," a little voice said. "Beff, Beff, Beff."

I glanced sideways at the toddler, at her long legs, her grubby knees, and the way her hands twisted the bottom of the stained t shirt she wore. "Beff?" she asked.

Tiny footsteps pattered beside me, hesitant, and then drumming forward, only to pause again. "Beff," a little voice said. "Beff, Beff, Beff."

I glanced sideways at the toddler, at her long legs, her grubby knees, and the way her hands twisted the bottom of the stained t shirt she wore. "Beff?" she asked. Her thick, dark lashes fluttered around her black eyes, and for a second, someone else stared back at me, making me shiver.

I ignored her, and turned back to the trees.

She was persistent, and remembered me. She'd been through so much, in such a short amount of time, that I didn't know why she'd remembered me. I used to sing to her, but I didn't remember the words. A small hand settled in my hair, and my teeth clenched as I forced myself not to lash out. I shifted on the step, away from her curiosity, but she merely followed, not one to be dissuaded.

"Beff," she lisped again, this time tugging on my hair.

"Go away," I muttered, shouldering her aside. "I don't feel much like singin'."

"Row row?"

God, she was talking now. I'd missed so much. Children were an excellent measure of passing time. With a sigh I screwed the cap onto the top of the bottle, and picked up the sweater I'd found in the stash of clothing I'd pawed through after I'd returned from the stream.

I didn't know how to tell her I couldn't do what she wanted. Telling her 'no' seemed like a cop-out. When she was a baby, I'd whisper all my thoughts to her, and she'd babble excitedly, none the wiser to what she was hearing. Now was different. Now, she'd begin to understand my fears, and why she should be scared. I stared at her, silently begging her to go away. Her face fell, and she trotted past me at the sound of footsteps. "Da-da," she exclaimed. "Row row?"

I heard Rick chuckle, and I rubbed my palms over my thighs before I stood and faced the pair. The little girl hid her face in Rick's neck, and she sighed, and Rick tightened his hold on her. "She wants to hear 'Row, row, row your boat,'" he explained. He let the statement hang in the air for a moment. When I didn't say anything, he nodded and set the girl down on her feet. "Sweetheart, can you go inside and wait for Daddy? We'll have a bath in a minute, and then I'll sing to you."

She babbled, and then squealed, taking off inside the house, where someone must have scooped her up. Her laughter rung out for a moment, and the screen door settled shut, leaving me on the porch with Rick. He twisted the golden band on his ring finger and looked up at me. "How you doing?"

"She know you're not her daddy?"

Rick froze from where he'd been stepping towards me and looked away, his throat moving as he swallowed tightly. "Doesn't matter at this point, does it?"

I shrugged and stood. "Guess not."

Rick took a hesitant step towards me – hell, they all took hesitant steps towards me, and then cowered when I spoke. "Look, Bob said that physically, you're doing okay." He gestured to my hand. "Your fingers were broken?"

I tucked my crooked hand behind my back. "What else did he tell you?"

"That you don't remember things. You don't remember him."

"I don't remember much from before we left the prison," I admitted.

"You were with Daryl," Rick pointed out.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"You know…after we got out from that place, he looked for you. We all looked for you, Beth, but Daryl was on a mission. Every day he'd break off from the group, searching for something…anything that would give him a clue as to what happened to you."

A lot of things had happened to me, and I'd done a lot of things, none of which I hoped Daryl – or anyone else – would ever find out. I didn't speak.

Rick watched me for a moment. "Daryl said…he thinks that you were…that someone hurt you."

It was my turn to nod. "So?"

He pressed his lips together. I knew he was frustrated. I was, too. The urge to scream and claw my way back to something familiar was alive in my limbs, but I was too scared to make a sound.

"Things…happen in this world, now. More than they ever did. Right and wrong seem backwards. Your daddy…"

"My daddy is dead," I snapped.

"Hershel," Rick started again, "told me that we could come back from this. From whatever we'd become, what the world has become." Rick chuckled, but it was far from joyful, and he turned his eyes to the night. "I don't know if you know the details of what happened to us, but…we've all done things, Beth. To survive. To live, and fight another day." He turned to me then, and I saw a shadow behind his eyes. "So whatever happened to you, and whatever you've done, it happened so that you could be here right now, standing on this porch, surrounded by your family, people you know, and love, and love you back."

The porch creaked then, and Rick came to stand beside me at the railing. We stood for a while, silently looking out over the yard. If he was hoping I would say something, it was misplaced. Words died on my tongue; I think I once found it easy to talk to Rick, but now I was afraid of what he might think, or say, if he knew what I'd done.

When he realized that I wasn't going to carry a conversation, he pushed away from the railing, lingering for a moment. "There's a plate for ya," he finally spoke, nodding towards the door. "There's a place for ya, too."

"Okay." My answer was flat, like all my answers were lately. I answered him because he wanted it, because he needed to hear me say something that would tell him he was getting through to me. I didn't want to be difficult, with any of them, but there was something in my guts, twisting my veins around my heart, that made me wary. I didn't know who they were, or who I was, in relation to any of them.

Rick nodded and moved to the door. "You come inside when you're ready."

I allowed myself to shiver, alone on the porch, with my thoughts. I tugged the sweater down over my head and pushed my arms through. It wasn't cold, though, not like it was in the mountains. A long time ago, my mama had said that a shiver like that was because someone had walked over your grave.

"I'm going." I squared my shoulders and looked Maggie in the eye.

She faltered, and quickly glanced to Glenn for assistance. He gave her a weak smile and glanced at me with a shrug. "If she says she wants to go…"

"No way," Maggie hissed, turning back to me. "Are you crazy? We just found ya – I just got ya back! Can't you understand that?"

I rolled Maggie's reasoning around in my head. "Technically, I found you," I pointed out. I heard a cough, and a snicker, and I knew Daryl was the source. I ignored him, though, and continued my standoff with Maggie. "I think I'm a bit more use than sticking around the house."

Maggie narrowed her eyes, and then crossed her arms over her chest. "Someone needs to watch Judith."

"Well, then, maybe that should be her family's responsibility."

"Beth!" Maggie hissed. She crossed the space between us and made a grab for my arm. "We're a family. All of us."

I pulled my wrist from her grip and wrapped it with my own fingers, and glanced around the kitchen. Everyone was watching us, and the silence was awkward. The tension was obvious. "That why I feel like a shirttail relative?" I shook my head once more. "No. I'm not a babysitter. I didn't come back from…from that just to watch a toddler."

"You're not well."

I scoffed. "None of us are." I shook my head again. "I'm way more valuable out there than I am here – I snuck up on Daryl for Chrissake."

"Dunno if y'all 'snuck up' on me," Daryl grumbled. "But, she's right," he continued, louder now, and looking at Maggie. "She's stronger than you think now."

Panicked that she was outnumbered, Maggie looked to Rick, who was watching the scene very carefully. Stepping forward, he rubbed his fingers together, and then nodded. "Beth comes with us," he announced.

Maggie sputtered, and was about to speak, but Michonne, who had been silently watching the whole time, spoke up. "Beth should go," she said with a firm nod. She smiled softly. I'll watch Judith."

Rick glanced towards her, his eyes asking if that was what she wanted.

The dark-skinned woman smiled, nodded, and pushed away from the counter where she leaned. "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to," she murmured, stepping past Rick to seek out Judith in the other room. Her palm glanced over Rick's midsection, lingering, fingers curling affectionately, and Rick's hand held it there for a split second before letting her go.

I didn't miss the moment, and it left me wanting for closeness, and security. Wrapping my arms around myself, I remained silent, and waited for Rick to continue.

"Daryl, Carl, Beth, and I will go. It's a quick run; no more than half a day north to scout out the subdivision, and the Target just east of it. It may become an overnighter; if that's the case then Glenn, Maggie – I'll need you, and Sasha and Bob, to hold down the fort here, and wait for us to return."

"And what if you don't?" Maggie growled.

"We always have," Carl shrugged.

"We leave at first light," Rick finalized. He waited a beat, and then turned to follow the direction Michonne had taken.

Maggie gaped after him, and then shot Daryl a narrowed gaze. "You of all people should know this isn't safe!" she hissed.

Daryl glared at her. "Take a good look around, Maggie. It hasn't been safe for years. Think I like the thought of takin' Beth outta here?"

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here," I muttered, pushing between Maggie and Daryl.

"It's been real easy, the way you've been actin'," Maggie countered, her eyes flashing.

Glenn interjected. "Maggie," he said softly, "she was out there by herself this whole time, and she's here now."

I watched my sister's face crumble. "But at what cost?" She sagged against the counter, running a hand over her hair. "Beth, why are you so eager to be out there again?"

How could I tell her that I needed it? That I couldn't handle being in a house with a bunch of people that were waiting for someone that wasn't coming back? Squaring my shoulders, I looked into Maggie's eyes. "I can handle this."

Maggie stiffened at my voice. "I hope so," she said. "Because I can't handle losing you again." Her gaze cut back to Daryl. "None of us can."

She stormed out of the kitchen, Glenn in tow, leaving me with Daryl.

"Carl," Daryl muttered, "you wanna go check over our supplies? I don't wanna dick around in the mornin'."

Carl knew a dismissal when he heard one, and he sighed, heading to the kitchen door that led outside. "I'm glad you're comin', Beth." He grinned, and rubbed the nick in his throat from my knife. "Rather you have my back, then my head."

"You know why she's so pissed, don'tcha?" Daryl asked once we were alone.

"Cuz she's used to getting her own way."

Daryl snorted, and I glared at him. "Yeah, runs in the family," he quipped dryly.

I groaned, and sagged against the counter. Rubbing my hands over my face, I drew in a breath, and pressed my fingers to my eyes. "I'm not the same girl I was before," I murmured.

"Mmmm," Daryl grunted. "We've all changed."

"But into what? I mean, everyone seems to be adjusting to this…life. They know where they fit in."

"Some of us just do a damn fine impression of it, too."

I shook my head at Daryl's reluctance. "Don't act like you don't mean everything to these people. You're a good man, Daryl. They need you." I waved my hand at the kitchen and made a face. "Only thing these people want is a reliable babysitter." I shook her hair from my eyes. "I don't sing anymore, you know."

"S'shame," he said quietly. "But I get it," he added, with a nod. "Not much to sing about, is there?"

Instead of answering, I shrugged, a fine impression of what Daryl did on a regular basis.

He scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You don't wanna talk, fine. I get it. But don't stalk around here like you ain't affecting us." He huffed, and began pacing the kitchen. "I know that you're scared, an' I know that you feel outta place. But so do we. So do I. Hell, I'm the one that lost ya, Beth, an' then you come back, an' you're like a damn ghost."

He stopped pacing then, and stared at me long and hard. "The worst thing that could happen to you has already happened. What are you so damn afraid of?"

I flinched as his words hit home, and all at once I wanted to fall into him, and hold him and hit him at the same time. I was afraid of everything. "I'm not afraid of anythin'," I rasped, and even to me it sounded lame.

Daryl pressed his lips together, his jaw tightening. "Girl, you can't lie worth a damn."

I pressed my mouth into a hard line and stared back at Daryl, daring him to say something else. I didn't want to let him in, to see the twisted, dark person who still lurked beneath the surface, but I knew it was a lost cause. He was right: I was a shitty liar.

"I'll see you in the mornin'," was his curt reply, and he left the same way Carl had, the screen door banging after him.

Daryl cut around the house and moved out onto the overgrown path that led down to the creek. Bob was on watch, and Rick was set to take the next shift, already heading in the direction of the post, when Daryl cut him off.

"I'll take it," he shrugged. "Can't stand bein' in that house right now."

Rick nodded, but walked with Daryl anyway. "She's struggling," Rick said as they moved into the trees.

"Nah," Daryl snorted, shifting the crossbow on his shoulder. "She's just stubborn. Like her sister. An' her daddy."

"Mmm," Rick nodded. "More so like Hershel, I think. You ever get that feeling like you're talking to him when you're talking to Beth?"

Daryl bobbed his head, but remained silent.

Rick chuckled flatly. "She's got a way with words. Didn't think anyone could put Maggie in her place."

"Maggie's just worried," Daryl muttered thinly.

Rick paused, his hand stretching out and catching Daryl flat on the chest, halting him in his tracks. Startled, Daryl looked up to Rick's face. "What about you?"

Daryl squinted at Rick, trying to discern the actual subject in question. "Worried about the run?"

Easing back, Rick gestured to the path, and they continued. "About the run. About this place. About Beth. I know that finding her shook you up."

Daryl swallowed thickly, and closed his eyes. "I didn't think I would."

"None of us did," Rick assured Daryl, settling a hand on his friend's shoulder.

It was true. After three months of endless searching, their small group had secured the house they currently occupied, and Daryl's priorities shifted to finding supplies, and scouting the area, and keeping the fences repaired. By the fourth month, he'd made the decision to focus on those he still had. Losing Beth had still haunted him, but it lingered beneath the surface, and he kept his emotions in check for the sake of Maggie. The elder Greene girl had come to terms with losing her sister, but every now and then, a soft, lingering look of loss would pass between them, followed by a faint nod. In turn, those looks were usually followed by excursions that took two or more days, deep into the woods to hunt, or scavenge, or to merely think, and try to shake the girl that had gotten to him.

"Hey," Rick said, pulling Daryl from his thoughts.

Daryl sniffed, wiping his eyes that had become damp, and he nodded stiffly. "She said she heard me. When she was in the mountains? She heard me talkin' to her. Screamin' at her." His words choked off as his fists tightened. "What the hell is she talkin' about? Why me?"

Rick shrugged. "She told Bob she doesn't remember much from before the prison fell."

"She does," Daryl muttered. "She's just pushin' it away. She's hidin'. Somethin' else happened up there, an' it wasn't just broken fingers, or scars." Daryl huffed, his thoughts whirling. "Pretty sure she killed people. An' she wouldn't have had to if I…I'm the one that lost her…"

"You didn't lose her, Daryl," Rick broke in, angling his head so that he could look Daryl in the eye. "She was taken, and she knows that…"

"But she was with me," he growled. "She was with me, an' I was watchin' out for her an' then…" Daryl broke off, biting back a sob that threatened to spill. "An' then she was just gone," he finished, his voice not unlike that after he'd found Rick and Michonne and Carl.

"Maybe you were still watching out for her. In her mind, at least, she wasn't alone. She had you. She's had you all along, Daryl. And from what I can tell, she isn't angry with anyone, and she doesn't blame anyone. She's just…"

"Gone," Daryl finished for Rick. "She's still gone, an' I don't know how to find her."

"Yeah," Rick nodded. "I know. But we aren't giving up. We've never given up, Daryl, not on anyone in the family. We're not going to start now."