II. Bo: Understanding
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"Whatcha reading?" I hear Kenzi calls out, and before I can even look up from my book she had already crossed my room and has begun to crawl across the bed towards me. She quickly settles down next to me before she plucks the book out of my hands before I can even protest. She takes one look at the cover before she sighs and shakes her head, turning the beaten up cover towards me. "Again BoBo?"
I shrug not sure what to say, I have my reasons for reading the book again, are they really anyone's business but my own?
Kenzi gives me a pointed look before she tosses the thing over her shoulder. "You don't have to be happy and single BoBo, you're the queen! You can have anyone you want!"
I close my eyes as I let my head fall back against the pillow. The problem wasn't that I didn't want anyone, it is that I know who I want, I just can't make a choice between them, something that's unfair to both of them. "It's better off that I learn how to be happy in single-hood. I don't think succubi are meant for relationships."
"What happened to the whole I will chose my own path, screw destiny and screw biology?" Kenzi asks as she pokes me in the side, trying to get me to turn towards her. I close my eyes, and shake my head.
"It's not about me anymore Kenz… it's about the entire world of the Fae! I mean how am I even supposed to be queen when I can't even keep my love-life on track?" I say as I turn towards Kenzi, her eyes are warm, and full of the same mirth that they always are, or at least they have been for the last little while, since everything ended. "I'm better off surrounded by friends and family, keeping my feeds feeds, and not trying to worry about love on top of everything else."
"So the self-help book came out again?" She asks, a teasing smile brewing just below the surface as her hands begin to inch closer to me. "Am I going to have to poke you with a sausage again? Because I think we have one in the fridge somewhere…"
"No!" I yell out, shifting around to tackle her and pin her to the bed, but instead my leg slides out from under me, and after hanging in the air for a second, my right hand gives out and sends me falling to the ground as I claw at the sheets on my bed uselessly.
I land hard on my back, the air knocked out of my lungs as my head slams back into the ground, the pain rebounding through my skull moments later. The sheet that I had been holding slowly flutters down on top of me, as I lie there sprawled out on the ground, the red satin falling almost serenely to the ground.
"Owww…" I groan as I try to lift myself off the ground, only to become tangled in the sheet instead.
"You've got to be kidding!" I growl as I roll onto my stomach, the beat-up hardwood floor coming into view as I do so.
"You okay?" Kenzi calls out from above me before she stops for a second, and then bursts out laughing, the sound echoing through my roof almost like it's teasing me. I glare at the floor as I try to roll-over again, somehow getting myself even more tangled up in the sheet then before.
I swear that this thing is possessed by a snake-Underfae!
Note to self, ask Trick if there are any kinds of Fae or Underfae that can possess sheets.
"You alright down there Succubo?" Kenzi laughs as my bed squeaks, telling me that she's shifted somewhere near the edge where that one spring is.
"Peachy!" I mutter as I try to roll myself over again only for my legs to get tangled up in the sheets even more. Gah! I swear to god, favourite or not I will tear this thing apart if I can't find my way out of this in the next minute or two.
Just as I begin to contemplate the murder of my favourite sheets I hear Kenzi's laughter get closer to my ear as her black tights come into view as she kneels down next to me. "Tsk… how on Earth did you manage this?"
"I don't know… now will you help me to get myself out of this or should I start yelling for Tamsin?" I snap as I tilt my head up, wincing as the world around me begins to spin.
"No need for Tam-Tam. She's not here anyways, she's out somewhere with Dyson, I think they're investigating some robberies or something." Kenzi replies, the laughter in her voice gone as she beings to run her hands up and down my body.
"Are you helping me or groping me?" I joke when I feel her hands begin to press against my chest before they move lower, running along my sides.
"As attractive as you are honey you're still not my type." She fires back before the hand on my back stop, tugs once at the sheet, and then the tightness of the sheet wrapped around me suddenly just disappears. I sigh in relief as I turn over, coming face-to-face with a smirking Kenzi.
"What do we say?" She asks as she pushes herself up.
"Thank-you." I mumble as I grab the hand that she's offered to me, allowing her to pull me up. I smile at her before I reach out and pull her into a hug. She shrugs and wraps her arms around me in return.
"What's this all about huh?" She whispers, squeezing me once before loosening her griping on me. "Did something happen with Lauren or Dyson?"
"No… I just want to thank-you for being there for me, always." I say, looking down at Kenzi, taking in the fact that her hair is down, that she isn't wearing make-up, she's dressed only in pyjama pants and a shirt. She looks younger at these times then any other, and yet when I look at her now I see a hardness to her eyes that wasn't there before, her face is a little sharper then I remember it being.
She looks older.
She's growing older.
I still look the same as I did five years ago. I haven't aged a day.
Kenzi's grown so much since we meet for the first time. She's changed so much, gone is the sometimes selfish, impulsive, video game obsessed, wisecracking, and sometimes lost and confused teenager that I once knew and in her place is a caring, mature, protective selfless, intelligent and of course funny as ever young-woman.
For me? Well two-steps forward one-step back. I know now that I still have a lot more growing-up to do, and a lot to make up for, especially after everything that happened with my father. But if nothing else the whole battle for the fate of the world thing did teach me to be grateful for what I have, and that I have to cherish the family that I've found for myself.
"Hey what's with that look huh Bo?" Kenzi asks, breaking my train of thoughts.
"Nothing, just thinking about stuff." I reply, a small smile tugging at my lips as I look at her. I'm so glad that I have her back, a world without Kenzi is… well it's a world that's very hard to live in.
"What kind of stuff?" She asks as she plops right back down onto my bed.
"About you, and about how much you've changed, how much you've grown since we first met. And about how much I've... well devolved I guess." I say as I flop down on the bed next to her. "I'm just starting to feel like me again, after two years of being me and not being me. It's weird and confusing, and I feel like I'm right back where I started, like I've just found out that I'm Fae all over again."
"Huh." Kenzi replies, but not saying anything else.
"I mean how am I supposed to rule the entire Fae world? How am I supposed to take care of everyone and everything, make sure that it all runs smoothly. I can barely run my life, let alone an entire world." I sigh, bringing my hand up to my forehead as I let out a groan. "I mean, I can't even get my life in order."
"You're life doesn't seem that out of order BoBo. We've been doing what we've always been doing, taking cases and helping people, helping the police. I mean the saving the world thing, that's new, as was the dying…" Kenzi trails off before she shakes her head and forces herself to smile at me again as she props herself up on her elbows. "My point is what about your life is out of order? You've finally found the answers about where you've come from, about who you are. I mean there's the whole queen thing but that's what a couple hundred years away?"
I nod and shrug. "I'm not running away from the queen thing Kenz. I'm done running from my destiny. At least by becoming queen, by ruling as me and not as my darkness I can finally begin to change things. I can pull this world into the twenty-first century or well twenty-third or twenty-fourth by the time I start ruling." I shake my head. "My point is things need to change, whether the Fae think so or not."
"And until then? Until it's time for you to ascend the throne?" She prods me.
"I live my life, I try to find out who I'm meant to be, without all the prophecies, all of the other destiny bullshit. I'll probably just live my life, maybe travel…" I stop as the memory of the words I once spoke to Lauren resurfaces.
I want to live. I want to travel the world, but I only want to do that with you.
"Or maybe I'll stay right here with you and with Trick and Tamsin." I murmur as one of my hands drifts to my chest grabbing at the pendant of the necklace that hangs there. I want to live. I want to travel the world, but I only want to do that with you.
This is just a break right?
Silence.
It's over.
I laugh bitterly.
"What's all that about huh?" Kenzi asks as she tilts her head towards me in concern.
"Nothing, just a memory, one that I didn't need or want to remember." I shake my head as I try to get rid of the memory.
"Your clutching at her necklace again." Kenzi reminds me gently. "What's going through that head of yours huh?"
"Just another memory. I told Lauren something similar just before she asked for a break, that's all." I say as I look around the room, slowly loosening my grip on the necklace. "It's not a big deal."
"Doesn't sound like not a big deal to me Bo. Why should she hold you back from traveling if that's what you want to do?" Kenzi questions.
I shake my head as I roll onto my side to face her. "It's more complicated then that, infinitely more complicated then that. God, the things I still don't know about her, after everything we've gone through together I don't even know something as simple as her favourite colour."
"She never told you?"
"I never thought to ask."
"Wow. What did you two-" I open my mouth about to respond when Kenzi begins to shake her head back and forth rapidly. "On second thought I think I already know the answer, I heard enough of you two together to last me a lifetime."
"It wasn't all that, sometimes we would talk, just talk for hours, about her science, my life before everything got crazy… but things go so complicated so quickly after the first little while that we never really got past that." I mumble, burying my head in my arms. "And I forgot to ask her something as stupid as her favourite colour, let alone where she wanted to go on vacation."
"You…" Kenzi trails off, as I tilt my head towards her I can see her eyes widen considerably. "You really wanted that relationship after all didn't you?"
"Of course I did!" I say, my arms moving towards my ears and then away for emphasis. "I love her. I wanted us to work, but I suck at relationships!"
"Now that you mention it you kind of do I guess."
"Aren't you supposed to be on my side?" I ask Kenzi as I look at her again.
"Right. You're an awesome girlfriend. How does that sound?" She asks, looking at me.
I groan as I role back onto my stomach. "Like a big fat lie. I know I suck at relationships. I know I don't know how to be a good girlfriend. I know that I barely know Lauren or Dyson, but… argh!"
"What's so complicated about it?" Kenzi begins. "With you and the Doc before everything went south, I hate to say this but feeding from Dyson was kind of a mistake wasn't it? You knew how she felt about him at the time. Where was I?"
"Me and Lo…-uren." I reply, look up at Kenzi as she begins to talk again.
"You two were fine, strong actually, really strong. It was sort of an us vs. the world kind of thing, but for you two it worked at least for a while. But when the world came-a-knockin' you kinda… crumbled and began to listen to what everyone else was saying." Kenzi says as she looks down at me. "I mean I get you were under a lot of pressure at the time, but you kinda…"
"Went crazy? Began to degenerate into a selfish bitch? Began to alienate everyone I love? Sell out my girlfriend? Not pay enough attention to her? Not love her enough? Put her last?" I sigh and shake my head as I bury it in my arms. "I know that Kenz I already know all of that. It doesn't take an idiot to realize it."
"You're not an idiot BoBo, dense as a brick at times, but not an idiot. At least not a complete one." Kenzi says as she absently pats my shoulder.
"Thanks Kenz, thank-you so much." I grumble.
"So what exactly are you planning on doing about your messed up love life?" She asks me bluntly.
"Nothing." I reply. "That's why I'm reading the book. I need to figure out how to be alone before I can be with anyone else. I just need a way to tell Lauren and Dyson, set them both free and give them a chance to move on, they both deserve that much."
"And like the saying goes if they both come back?" She asks as she lies down beside me, curling against me slightly.
"Then… I don't know what I'll do then. My feelings for Dyson are complicated and there's just so much baggage with Lauren, we still haven't even talked about what our relationship is." I sigh, before wincing as Kenzi kicks me in shin with one of her sock covered feet. "Oww. Watch the feet please."
"Sorry 'bout that." Kenzi says as she rushes through the apology before she begins to talk again. "So your feelings for Dyson are complicated… meaning you're not in love with him anymore are you?"
"Like I said I don't know. I was so focused on getting you back, and Lauren helped me through all of that because Dyson was busy with Tamsin, and we were both crying messes for a week, and then we got you back and we went to Valhalla, I met my father and began to turn completely dark, and well after that…" I trail off, narrowing my eyes as I try to repress the memories of what came after. It was nothing I wanted to remember.
"It's complicated. There is one thing that confused me about all of that though. Of all of us Lauren was the only one who could bring you back." Kenzi says as she pauses. "I mean we thought that of all people it would be me, but it was her in the end."
"It was all of you." I reply. "All of your voices, all of the memories that we share that brought me back."
"But the Doc's voice was a little louder then the rest of ours wasn't it?" Kenzi asks before she adds. "And it was her kiss that revived you after you… you know."
"It seems to be a thing between the two of us." I mutter. "When we went into Dyson's memories to try and find a way to save him, something went wrong and Lauren had to come and pull me out. I nearly lost her that day, because humans aren't supposed to wear the string, but she brought me back, just like she always does, it's just that time I got to repay the favour."
"You never told me that before." Kenzi whispers.
I shrug. "I didn't see the point. I thought it was a fluke, but apparently the whole kiss thing works both ways."
"Indeed it does." She says in reply. "Indeed it does. This might just be me, but from the way you talk about her, barely thinking of Dyson, it sounds like you've already made you're choice."
I shake my head. "It's not a choice for me to make. I love her, but that doesn't change the fact that our relationship is infinitely complicated, that love isn't enough for us, that it takes so much more then I can understand to be in a relationship. I don't want to hurt her again."
"Don't you think that maybe the fact that you understand that might be enough?" She replies. I look up at Kenzi, as she continues. "You have to learn how to be in a relationship, there's no right way to go about it, you have to learn it just like you have to learn everything else, like you have to learn how to be you, and honestly Bo? At your worst you were more you with Lauren then you were with anyone else. Don't you think that it might be time to let Lauren teach you how to be in a relationship? That you let yourself learn?"
"I don't know." I reply shaking my head.
"What do you see in your future?"
"A throne, a lot of responsibility, a lot of bullshit ass kissing and politics, and god knows how much paperwork." I reply.
Kenzi looks at me again, her eyes boring into me. "I meant where do you see yourself before all of that. What do you want the closer future to look like?"
"The dawning showed me pregnant, it showed me coming home to Dyson. It showed me a house in the suburbs and a white-picket fence. It showed me the future that I've wanted since I was a kid." I reply, remembering the jumbled mass of confusion that had been the dawning at the meanings behind everything that I'd seen.
"It was Dyson that the dawning showed you?"
"It was Dyson's body… but it was Lauren's personality. Everything about it screamed Lauren. He was a doctor, he was talking and acting like Lauren does when she's excited, and he was geeking out. He wasn't Dyson, he was Lauren Kenz, how I pictured she might be if we ever managed to get pregnant." I murmur with a sad smile. "It was everything I wanted, it was the dream that I had made for myself."
"If Dyson hadn't been with you during the dawning do you think it might have been Lauren instead of him?" Kenzi asks me gently.
All I can do is shake my head in response. "I don't know. Maybe. Anything's possible in that confusing place. It doesn't really matter in the end, my father also interfered with my dawning, showed me things that shouldn't have been there. I just know I love her, and I have complicated feelings for him."
"Shouldn't love be enough then? With Hale…" Kenzi trails off as I reach out and pull her close to me, knowing that talking about him only brought back painful memories for her.
"You don't have to talk about him Kenz. It's okay. I'm sorry to drag up bad memories." I whisper into her hair as I hold her close to me, my heart aching at the thought of having caused her pain.
"I just want you to be happy. One of us deserves to be." Kenzi whispers, her hand coming up to clutch at the loose fabric of my shirt.
"And I've got millennia to find it. You don't have the unfortunate luxury of time I do." I murmur into her ear. "I will find happiness in time, don't worry about me. I'm more worried about you."
"You love her. You should tell her before something happens, before something can take her away." Kenzi says as she pulls away from me, she scoots back until she's sitting against one of the bedposts. She smiles at me through cloudy, tear-filled eyes. "I'll see him again. I know he's waiting for me up there, and when it's my time. My actual time, he'll great me at the gates as Tamsin leads me through."
"Kenzi." I say, as I force myself up and into a sitting position as well.
"But until then, I'm here. I'm still your bestie and I say that you deserve to be happy, with the person that makes you happy. Human, Fae, hell Underfae if that's what makes you happy then I say go for it. But right now what makes you happiest, the person that makes you happiest is the person who makes you smile when no one else can, the person who you like at like they're the most precious thing in the world. It's the person whose necklace you wear." Kenzi's eyes are wide and alight with passion as she speaks, her voice is stronger then I can remember it being. I look her in the eye as she stops out of breath, a smile on her lips.
I look at her, and I look down as I grab the necklace that dangles from my neck, the one that I haven't taken off since I put it on. That night I wanted to have something of her with me when I went into battle, I wanted her close, and this was what I had. I smile as I look down at it, at the memory of the smile on Lauren's lips when she said the simple words "You wore it."
I clutch it, nodding to myself and smiling ruefully as I realize that this decision was made a long time ago, when I committed myself to her the first time. All this time and I guess some things really were out of my hands after all huh?
It's almost ironic.
I am in love with the strongest woman I've ever known, and perhaps the most extraordinary human I've ever met, aside from the one sitting next to me of course. Lauren also has her flaws, just like I have.
One thing I think that I do know about us and our relationship is that we both suck at communicating with each other; at least we suck at talking with each other, we can communicate so much through a glance, a touch, but sometimes that's not enough. I look over at Kenzi and smile as I shake my head.
"Thank-you Kenz, for helping to pull my head out of my ass." I say as I look over at the woman curled up against the bedpost.
"Hey happy to help. So now you gonna run off and talk to the doc?" She asks.
I shake my head. "Nope. There's still a lot more that I need to think over, and a lot more that I need to do. I can't hurt her again Kenz, and before I do anything else I need to talk with Dyson, it's not fair to keep stringing him along."
"When did you start thinking so much?" She jokes as she looks me over, before she crawls across the bed and begins to poke at me.
I laugh before replying. "Going dark, nearly dying, and being brought back to life can do wonders for contemplating your life. Plus there isn't much else to do when you're sitting locked in a jail cell to make sure that you don't go crazy again."
"So how much longer are you going to keep thinking about stuff?" Kenzi asks.
"I'm going to see if I can talk with Dyson tomorrow or the day after. I don't think this'll come as much of a surprise to be honest, plus I've seen the way he's been looking at Tamsin, hopefully this'll be the last push he needs to go after her." I begin before I notice the look of horror in Kenzi's eyes, which is quickly replaced by happiness.
"My little girl's all grown up!" Kenzi squeals.
"Hey!" I squeak out as Kenzi tackles me onto the bed. "Wait, who are you talking about?"
"Nevermind. You wanna go watch a horror movie marathon with me?" Kenzi asks as she crawls off of me and slides towards the end of the bed.
"That sounds good Kenz. Actually it sounds amazing. I'll go get the candy and you make the popcorn?"
"Yeah meet you in five?" She asks as she stands up.
"Yep." I reply, smiling at her as she leaves the room.
Thank-you Kenz, thank-you.
I smile down at the necklace resting in my palm one last time before standing up and beginning to make my way towards the door.
As always thank-you so much for taking the time to read. A special thank-you to those who have followed or favourited, and an extra thank-you to people who left reviews on the last chapter.
Sorry about the delays in updating pretty much everything. Eyes To The Soul is up next and should be out by next weekend, I apologize for so many delays.
And on a last note reviews are very much welcomed and desired, they are very much an huge source of inspiration that keeps me going.