Chapter 5

When the Gardiners departed a couple of days later, Lizzy decided it was time to return to her role as Mistress of Pemberley. She had let the housekeeper, Mrs. Reynolds, take control of everything while she was recovering, but was determined to resume her role now. Maybe it would give her something to discuss with Darcy in the evenings.

The whole household had been informed of Lizzy's amnesia, so Mrs. Reynolds gently led her through the steps of what Elizabeth usually did for the household before asking for any questions.

"Yes, Mrs. Reynolds," said Elizabeth a little uncertainly. "I had wondered if you could tell me something of my husband. I do not remember ever meeting him, you see," she said.

Mrs. Reynolds looked surprised, but then smiled. "I would be happy to, Mistress. I have known him since he was four years old, and have never had a cross word from him in my life."

"You are lucky to have such a master."

"I know I am. If I was to go through the world, I could not meet with a better. But I have always observed, that they who are good-natured when children, are good-natured when they grow up; and he was the always the sweetest-tempered, most generous hearted boy in the world. I always said that if he did marry, no one would be good enough for him, but I have been proven wrong with you, Mrs. Darcy."

Elizabeth was pleased with the compliment, although she felt a little uncomfortable receiving it. Surely Mrs. Reynolds knew the circumstances surrounding their marriage?

"His father was an excellent man, I have heard," she said.

"Yes, ma'am, that he was indeed; and his son is just like him – just as affable to the poor. He is the best landlord, and the best master that ever lived. Not like the wild young men nowadays, who think of nothing but themselves. There is not one of his tenants or servants but what will give him a good name. Some people call him proud; but I am sure I never saw anything of it. To my fancy, it is only because he does not rattle away like other young men."

"He is certainly a good brother," said Elizabeth, who had seen the new pianoforte in the music room that Darcy said he had bought for Georgiana as a surprise.

"That is always the way with him. Whatever can give his sister any pleasure, is sure to be done in a moment. There is nothing he would not do for her. Or for you, Mrs. Darcy." Mrs. Reynolds beamed.

Elizabeth felt warmth in her heart to hear this. Darcy felt some esteem for her, perhaps.

She then asked the housekeeper how long it had been since she had visited the tenants. "You went out on your last visit just before your accident, Mrs. Darcy. I know that, if you are well enough, they would be honoured to see you again."

"I think I will go tomorrow. Will you have the baskets prepared?"

"Certainly, Mrs. Darcy."

Darcy was surprised that night at dinner when Elizabeth declared her intention of going to see tenants tomorrow. He was worried about her out on his lands with no memory, but then she said, "I had hoped you might accompany me, sir. I certainly do not remember where all the farms are located." She smiled at him.

He was dazzled by the smile. "I would be happy to, madam. What time do you plan to depart?"

"I thought after breakfast, if that is convenient?"

"That is fine," he said.

"And, Mary, you may wish to accompany us, for you will be married one day. It is never too early to learn to be mistress of your own estate," said Elizabeth with a smile at her sister.

Mary gave a small smile back. "I would be happy to join you, Lizzy."

When he retired to his own chamber, as he had every night except the first since Elizabeth came to Pemberley, he wondered what Elizabeth was about. He was not complaining that she wished to spend time with him; in fact, he was very pleased. But she had never so involved him in her life before the accident. She had had her duties about the estate, and he had had his. Her havens had been her bedroom and the library, where he only occasionally joined her to read, and her long walks over Pemberley's grounds, which she always took alone.

Perhaps she saw the wisdom, as he did, of not going out to visit tenants and farms which she did not remember. Whatever the reason, he was happy to be invited.

The next morning, Darcy came down to breakfast just as Elizabeth and Mary were sitting down. They all exchanged good mornings, and then Darcy asked, "Are you still planning to go visit the tenants this morning?"

Elizabeth looked surprised. "I am indeed. I hope you can still join me?"

"I would not miss it," he said with a smile.

He noticed her eyes falling to his cheek, and supposed that his dimples had made an appearance. Feeling a bit embarrassed, he waited for her to speak again, and she smiled. "I love your dimples," she said. "You do not smile often, but I am always pleased at the sight of them."

Darcy was surprised by the warmth in her words. She had never before mentioned his dimples. Did he really smile so infrequently? If his smiles pleased her, he should try to smile more often.

When they had finished eating, Darcy declared that he would have the phaeton brought around. "You are too heavy with child to ride, Elizabeth."

"I ride?" she asked in astonishment.

He looked back at her. "Yes, it was one of the first things we did together when you arrived here. I taught you how to ride."

She shivered. "I have never felt comfortable on horses."

"I must say, you have overcome your discomfort very well."

"I am glad to hear it. At least I will not have to face a horse again until well after the birth."

"Hopefully you will remember your lessons by then."

She smiled at him. "I hope so."

He treasured her smile in his heart as he led them out to the phaeton and helped both ladies into it. "I thought our first stop could be the Anders farm. Tom Anders had been farming at Pemberley for twenty years. He and his wife have three little children, and are in expectation of a fourth."

He told them what he could recall about the Anders. He was sure that the word must have spread from the servants of Pemberley that Mrs. Darcy had lost some of her memories, and had no doubt the tenants would welcome her even more warmly because of it.

His expectations played out before him. The three children raced to the door to greet her, and Darcy watched as Elizabeth charmed them all.

This was the Elizabeth he remembered. Warm, outgoing, good with everyone. She had a natural gift with people, one which he had never been able to match. It was no wonder she could not love him. When he had been determined to propose, he had been sure that they matched perfectly for each other. It was only after they were married that he had seen how unworthy he was of her. It was enough to make his heart sink again.

He noticed Mary watching him observantly, and he quickly wiped his face of all expression. It would do no good to let Elizabeth or her sister know his true thoughts. He was determined to be the best husband he was capable of being, no matter what his faults.

Elizabeth had thoroughly enjoyed the tenant visits, although she was tired when they got back to Pemberley House. She was very impressed with what she had seen, as well as heard. Mr. Darcy was truly a generous steward of his lands. The farms were well-tended, the cottages in good repair. All the tenants spoke cheerfully and gratefully of Darcy, and, she felt, of herself, as an extension of him. That was a compliment to her.

Darcy had the phaeton put away, and then the three of them sat to tea. Her mind wandered in her weariness, and she little heeded the conversation between Darcy and Mary as her eyes closed.

Suddenly, a vision filled her thoughts. She was in a large ornate sitting room in the evening, and she was sitting on a cushion with several people before her. There was a fair-haired young man, a rather portly fellow of five and thirty, and two women. The one who was speaking had red hair, and a sneering manner. But the person whom Elizabeth noticed first was Mr. Darcy. He was sitting across from her and was staring at her. They were discussing Pemberley's library, and then the red-haired woman brought up the topic of accomplished ladies. There followed a spirited discussion about what it meant to be accomplished. The woman had started by saying she did not know half a dozen, but by attempting to agree with Darcy, finished by proclaiming that she knew a great many!

Elizabeth found the vision a strange one. She wondered where she had been, and who the unknown people were. But mostly what she saw in her mind was Mr. Darcy staring at her in what could only be a disapproving manner.

"Elizabeth? Are you all right?"

She sat up at once, opening her eyes. "I have remembered something! Or at least I think it was a memory." She smiled uncertainly. "You can tell me if it was, Mr. Darcy."

"Was I in it?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, you were indeed. You were the only one I recognized." She described the scene to him, and thought she saw him wince slightly, but he answered readily enough.

"Yes, that was an evening we spent at Netherfield, where you had come to take care of Jane, who became ill while visiting Bingley's sisters."

So the two ladies in her memory had been Mr. Bingley's sisters. The brother must be very different for Jane to have fallen in love with him.

"It was before we were married, then?" she asked.

He nodded. "You stayed at Netherfield for several days until Jane grew better, and you spent the evenings with us downstairs in the drawing room."

Elizabeth had wondered if she had imagined Darcy's disapproving stare in her memory, but seeing his solemn demeanor now, realized she hadn't.

How disappointing, she thought. He had not even liked her before their marriage. Had he grown to like her at all since then? They had spent a pleasant morning together visiting the tenants, and she had found something to admire in him. Did he admire anything at all in her? The thought was strangely disheartening.

Darcy watched as Elizabeth's expression drooped. Of course, her first memory of him would be one he would rather forget. He could only wince now to think of how pridefully he had displayed himself, at Netherfield and to the denizens of Meryton. And before then. He had always been prideful, and now could only be ashamed of how he had acted. He remembered his words to Elizabeth at Netherfield. "But pride – where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will always be under good regulation."

He hunched his shoulders as he remembered that Elizabeth had turned away to hide a smile when he said that. At the time, he thought she was perhaps flirting with him; but now he knew that she was despising him. As he deserved to be despised.

After their wedding he had determined to be a better man, to make an effort to deserve her. He did not know if he ever would, but he determined to keep trying.