Hey everybody, long time no see, eheheh… I'm actually extremely sorry about that, but this year in college has been, so far… much harder than I expected. At least two to three essays a week, plus the fact that this week and next week are the midterm exams… well, you can see what's been keeping me. Anyway, this chapter is going to be another filler, although instead of "The Grand Panempest Hotel" it's going to be based off of a set of YouTube videos that are, in a word, hilarious. They include: "Girl Troubles" by Makemebad35; "The Pants Monster" by Makemebad35; "Elephant Puppet" by Makemebad35; and "A Demons Calling" also by Makemebad35. At the end of the chapter, there's going to be a little omake to an omake featuring how they answer the phone at The Grand Panempest Hotel, taken from a YouTube video titled "How to Answer the Phone in 30 Different Cultures" by DizastaMusic. Also, fair warning, there's going to be a fair amount of foul language in the chapter (to keep faithful to the videos) but I'll try to censor it. One final thing, I'm planning to release the first six Reapings in one chapter, or the six chapters at once, to apologize for the wait, but I can only work on the chapters on Fridays and Saturdays because I have to study on the weeknights :/

…anyway, enjoy the chapter~~

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I have no energy to write anything else here.

"Ian's Girl Troubles"

Ian Partridge's House, 13:00

It's a particularly dreary day in the Capitol, and Ian Partridge is sitting in his kitchen, happily enjoying his day off. He is sitting on his counter (he only recently moved in, so he currently lacks an actual table) eating a bowl of Oreo soup (mashed up Oreos in milk), smiling to himself. "Oreos for breakfast is the sh*t!" he says with a grin. He idly slurps up the milk in his bowl while "Everytime I Look for You" by Blink 182 plays, then a sudden tapping on his sliding glass door gets his attention. He sets the bowl and spoon down and gets off the counter, walking to the door. He slides it open and looks outside.

"Hello?" he asks, looking out onto his deck; "Holy sh*t!" Ian says after turning his head and seeing the face of a girl right next to his. She has pale skin and long brown hair, with large, staring brown eyes. "Sorry, you scared me."

She just stares at him. He breaks the silence after a minute, "Umm… okay… who are you?" Nothing. "What are you doing here?" Nothing. "…Why the hell are you standing out in the rain?!"

Suddenly the girl's mouth opens and a small scream erupts from her vocal chords. Ian looks at her weirdly and says, "What the f*ck?!" She returns to her staring; "Here… give me a moment," Ian says, sliding the door shut and picking his cellphone off the counter.

Presidential Mansion, several miles away

"Finally… after several weeks I have finished the entirety of the 87th Hunger Games!" Ivre says, looking directly at the camera with a small frown. "Damned Chase…"

Ryoute ni wa Gloria, Utau no wa Sieg, Senaka ni wa Flügel der Freiheit
(Diese elenden Biester…)
Nigirishimeta ketsui o hidari mune ni, Kirisaku no wa Ringe der Torheit
(…Werden vernichtet!)
Soukyuu o mau—
Flügel der Freiheit!

"Mm? Oh, must be Zero!" Ivre says happily as he looks over at his phone, recognizing the ringtone for his companion. He picks it up with a smile. "Ah, good morning Zero!"

Zero—er, Ian's—house

"Yeah, hey, Mr. Pres—er, Gustave." Ian corrects himself; "Um… so there's this girl at my place, and I have no idea who she is."

"Hmm, seems like you have quite a dilemma there, Zero. You have no clue who she is?"

"Right."

"…Did you f*ck her?"

"NO!" Ian says indignantly. "She's not even talking!"

"HELL YES~" Ivre says, "even better, my boy!"

"…I want to know how to get her OUT of here!" Ian grumbles.

"Here's what you do—first, you screw her. Then I'll call in the Peacekeepers for you."

"You're about as much help as someone in a horror movie!" Ian says, ending the call. He hears the glass door sliding open, and sees the girl walk into his house. "HEY! Where do you think you're going?! Get the hell out of my house!" he cries, running after her.

She walks into his carpeted living room, him padding after her. "What the hell are you doing here?" Nothing; she just stares at him from his couch. He then attempts to make funny faces at her to make her laugh—he only gets the same blank expression. "CAN YOU SPEAK?" He sighs at no response. The silver-haired man suddenly gets the idea to hand her a pen and notepad; "Can you write?" he asks.

The girl takes the paper gingerly and begins to write; "Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you're just deaf…" he says; then she passes the pad back to him and he sees… she just scribbled on it. "Ah, yes, I see; scribble-scrabble sh*t, this tells me nothing!"

"LEPRECHAUN!" the sound comes from her mouth in a shriek; she steps up onto the couch, pointing fearfully at the ground.

"What the f*ck?!"

"LEPRECHAUN!" she keeps shrieking, still shaking her finger at the ground.

"…AH! Yes, I see him! There he goes, quick!" Ian says, pointing at a random spot on the ground. "Hurry!" he yells, running with her following. He grins to himself as he reaches the glass door and slides it open: "C'mon, hurry! Outside, don't let him escape!"

Her screams of "Leprechaun!" echo even after she is long gone from the house.

"And good f*cking riddance!" Ian says, slamming the glass door shut. "…I need a shower." He adds, heading toward his bathroom. He pulls the shower curtains back, and…

"LEPRECHAUN!" the girl is standing in his shower.

"WHAT THE F*CK?!"

End Scene.

"Mr. Popo"

"So, you understand the dare, yes?" Ivre asks Zero, standing in front of the doors to a large store. Ian stands there, hanging his head with a small puppet attached to his hand.

"Yes… I have to go into the store and recite Mr. Popo's lines from the DBZ Abridged Series, as well as things that Popo would likely say." Ian sighed.

"Good boy! But you forgot the part where I'm getting it all on camera~"

"*sigh*"

Later on, in the store

Ian is standing around a group of people gawking at the newest computer on the market, complete with Microsoft 9001. He holds up the puppet, which is an actually surprisingly good representation of Mr. Popo, and begins laughing maniacally in a Popo-esque voice. They all look at him weirdly, several of them backing away slowly.

Several minutes later, a mom-son duo is walking down an aisle with the storage for dog food, and Ian and Popo-puppet slide through one of the storage bins and say, "Pecking order, maggots!" causing the mother to jump several feet into the air, whilst Ivre is laughing madly at the end of the aisle.

This insanity goes on for several hours, and by the end most of the customers have gathered in the frozen pizza section, huddled together for safety and warmth. "Alright, so we've all agreed that we're afraid of that crazy dude with the Popo puppet, right?" After several nods of assent, the customer who spoke stands up. "LET'S TAKE BACK THIS SHOP!"

"Oh really? Pecking order!"

"Shove your pecking order up your—"

"BYE~"

…Long story short, all the customers died of fright and Ian and Ivre had to flee from the Peacekeepers once more.

End Scene.

"The Pants Monster"

The day started relatively simple. A drive through the country with the President and Head Gamemaker; how bad could it be, honestly?

Ian Partridge soon found out. He had asked the perpetually drunk president to fill up his brand new Camaro with gas before the trip, and when he returned the car with what appeared to be less gas than it had before, Ian simply chalked it up to a malfunction.

…now here they are, broken down on the side of a forested road, with Ian staring at the ground whilst Ivre apologizes profusely. "I'm sorry Zero! A talking horse told me that if you put lemonade into a car, it would work the same as gas!"

"A… talking horse?" Ian mutters, his left eye twitching.

"I thought we agreed you would stop speaking to Jean Kirstein," says Eclater. This causes Ivre to shake his head—"No, I mean an actual talking horse. I haven't spoken to Jean since I played Halo with him last week."

"Where the hell did you meet a talking horse?" Ian sighs exasperatedly.

"The liquor store."

"Now do you see why we don't let you leave the mansion while drunk?" says the silver-haired intern.

"…He's right you know," Eclater says. He shakes his head slightly and points over to a run-down cabin across the road, partially secluded by trees. It is made of a dark wood and a few boards are broken in places, and some windows are broken. "See if there's anyone there who can help us."

Ivre sighs and nods. "Alright," he says dejectedly, walking to the cabin. He passes by a few stacks of logs with pants strewn over them; "...that's not at all creepy," he mutters, walking up the porch. The railing is also covered in pants. He inwardly shudders at this, slowly making his way to the screen door, knocking on it. "Hello?" he calls.

Back at the car, Ian and Dane are conversing. "So did you hear about Marco Bodt? You know, Kirstein's roommate? Yeah, he gets his clothes half off now." Eclater says.

"GUYS! GO! F*CKING RUN!" they hear Ivre scream from across the street. They look up from the car to see said president running toward them as if all hell were on his heels. "INTO THE FOREST!"

"What...?" Ian and Dane say together as Ivre blazes past them. They look back and see a tall humanoid covered in pants clambering towards them. With each step it mutters, "Pants..."

"What the hell is that thing?!" Ian asks darkly, sweatdropping at the clumsy manner the thing walks.

"I dunno, but it's coming this way," Dane deadpans. "I'm not sure whether to run or what..." the two duck quickly as a log flies over their heads. "...I've changed my mind. RUN!"

And thus the two take off into the forest, leaping over downed trees, dodging under branches, until they are both pulled aside into a small cave. "Wha-" Ian starts, but they see it is Ivre, who shushes them.

"Sir, what the hell is going on...?" Ian demands as they peek out of the cave, watching the creature lumber past them, constantly muttering pants.

"I do not know Zero, but I can only assume that the monster is after our pants. Thus I shall call him... the pants monster," Ivre replies softly.

"Pants?" comes a loud voice from behind them. The three turn to see that not only is the cave more of a tunnel-that is to say, open on both ends-but that the thusly dubbed Pants Monster has found them!

"Run away!" Ivre cries, taking off once more. Ian runs quickly after him, clambering up a tree, leaving Dane and the Pants Monster.

Dane stands stock-still, staring the monster directly in the eye, as they are both the same height. The man quickly rips his sleeves off, revealing muscular arms, and with a mighty yell he swings at the monster. "SHANNAROOOOOO!" his fist impacts against the monster's face, and... "Huh?! I'm stuck!" he finds that he cannot remove his fist. The monster's arms grip him, and...

Several metres away, with Ivre

"Huh? That was Dane," Ivre remarks, hearing a loud scream. There's a sudden crash, and another scream. "Zero..." he says softly. It's just him now. Just him.

He has stripped himself of his shirt, rolling around in mud for camouflage. He has made his way to the edge of the forest, and the road is in sight, until he hears a loud, "PAAAANTSSSSS!" Ivre turns around quickly, the denim of the Pants Monster being the last thing he sees as the monster's fist strikes him.

End Scene.

Omake

Back in the President's mansion, Ivre wakes up from a horrid dream to the ringing of his telephone. He rubs his eyes and knocks over a bottle of Jack Daniels, and immediately yells for Zero. "Zero, answer the phone!"

Downstairs Ian hears this command and picks up the phone dutifully. He glances at the caller id and notices that it is an irregular number. "It is an unrecognized number, sir!" he calls back.

"Then do the protocol, Zero!"

"On it, sir!" Ian replies, answering the phone. "I HAVE NO MONEY! AHAHAHAHAHAH...!" and he slams the phone back down. Several moments later another number similar to that calls. He answers it and says in a quiet voice, "Hello? I'm calling for the hot sexy singles in my area..." and slams the phone down. And once more it calls, and this time he puts on a blue wig. "BITCH!" he says in a pompous voice, slamming the phone down one last time.

Then Ian looks up at the camera with a cheesy grin and says, "And that, folks, is how you deal with telemarketers. Now if Chase will just finish the damn Reapings..."

Ooooookay, that'll be enough of that, lad. Anyways everybody, I want to apologize so much for this long delay and with no form of communications, but school just got away with me. I know that's hardly an excuse, but that's all I can say in my defence, and I really am sorry. But before I sign off I want you all to answer me something: would you mind waiting for a few weeks and getting the first six Reapings out all at once, or would you rather just have them at a constant flow? Because you've got to understand that the Reapings take a fair amount of time to write because I want them to be true to the characters given to me. Anyways y'all, I'll be signing off here. Take care, brush yo' hair, I'll see ya when I see ya, have a happy New Year and hope you had a Merry Christmas if you celebrate it, or happy holidays if you don't. Peace!

~Chase

P.S. I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me :3 although I'll understand if you don't.