As the contestants fled from the demon-possessed contestant who had graciously murdered the host and spared them from a season-long torment, they began to realize that the island was indeed Wawanakwa, which had supposedly sunk during All Stars in the shit-fest, I mean, epic battle of a finale. Yeah, that's what I meant to say.
...
...
...nope, couldn't keep a straight face. Ahem, moving on. Anyway, the twelve contestants realized that they were on Wawanakwa.
"Has anyone realized that we're on Wawanakwa?" Matthew asked.
"Of course, yo!" said da Zeke. "I was on the first season, remember?"
"I'm not going to even bother, because one, you lasted only two episodes, and two, you're not Ezekiel," Leanne sighed.
"I SHIP DA ZEKE AND EZEKIEL!" cried Sunflower/Leslie. "THEY'D GET ALONG SO WELL TOGETHER!"
Da Zeke scratched his head. "What do you mean? I AM Zeke. So you ship me with myself? Like, maybe a particular part of myself, like my hand? Because that might actually be pretty-"
"THAT'S ALL WE NEED TO HEAR, THANK YOU," Michael said hurriedly, trying to stop the mental picture growing like a virus in his brain.
The twelve contestants were camped out in a cave. Janet was on watch duty after she'd single-handedly driven out the bear that had been living in the cave. No one had objected to this.
"So can we like divide up into sane people and people-to-sacrifice-to-the-demon-should-the-need-arise?" Peter asked, saying the second option very quickly so that the others could barely hear him.
"That actually sounds really good," James replied with a shrug.
"ALRIGHT, PEOPLE!" Michael ordered. "I'M TAKING CHARGE, OKAY? IF WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT OUT OF HERE, WE HAVE TO HAVE A PLAN!"
Janet walked inside. "Good, we have a plan! I was getting pretty freaking bored."
"After wrestling a bear, of course," Leanne sighed drolly.
"I say we do a head count," Michael said. "Peter's my lieutenant. Okay? Head count. Me, Peter."
"Les-I mean Sunflower!" the stalker yelled.
"Midnight. Are we really sure this is necessary-"
"MATTHEW IS HERE AND TO THE RESCUE!"
"DA ZEKE, YO!"
"Aurora. Is there a dignified way to use the restroom here?"
"I'm James. I assume you guys have forgotten about me...anyone listening?"
"Jairo. Pronounced Hay-roe, imbeciles. Not as if any of you could actually get it right the first time."
"Belinda!" the short girl called.
"Who?" said da Zeke. "I thought you were short-girl-with-pink-hair-and-big-boobs!"
"Screw you!" she snarled.
"I'm Lauren!"
"Nobody cares," quoteth Leanne.
"And I'm here, although you all already know that," Janet said cheerfully.
"That's all twelve of us," said Peter. "Now here's what's going to happen. We're going to split up into two groups. One group will draw Adrian away from the camp, while the other will enter camp and call for help. We clear? Matthew will assign the groups."
Matthew cleared his throat. "Sunflower, da Zeke, Belinda, Aurora, Matthew, and Janet. You guys will lead them away. Janet's in charge." He turned to Janet and muttered an aside. "Sorry I stuck you with these losers, but they're pretty much fodder anyway."
"The rest of you, Peter, Jairo, James, Leanne, Midnight, and Lauren will be led by me. We'll sneak into camp."
Belinda rose her hand as Matthew and Zeke tried placing their elbow on her shoulder...at the same time. "Why am I with these guys?"
"Because you're a freak of nature. 4'9 and curvy? In what world is that a good body design?" Peter sneered.
"I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M LIKE THIS, I JUST KNOW THAT I AM!" she cried.
"At the very least I wasn't stuck with those morons," Jairo sneered.
"NO!" Midnight growled. "I need to protect my sister!"
"...Elsa?"
"HER NAME IS AURORA!"
"I seriously thought it was Elsa," James said, and James, Peter, and Matthew looked at each other and exchanged a three-way shrug.
Midnight growled, clenching his fists. "How about I shove my fist right up your ass!"
"Did someone say something about shoving something up another person's ass?" Sunflower popped her head into the conversation.
Peter proceeded to give her a withering death glare. Sunflower backed away and proceeded to rejoin her group.
"Sunflower, if you keep popping over to the boys and not having anything to contribute, we're going to have to kick you out," said Janet.
"I have something to contribute!" the creeper chirped.
"I shouldn't be here," Belinda pouted.
"Go ahead," Janet sighed.
"We need to trap the demon in a six-pronged star! That way he can't get out! I saw it on Supernatural!"
"That's...a TV show," Aurora said in shock. "And I can't function without my brother. He's been there for me since I was small. I can't imagine a life without him. I need him, and he needs me," she said wistfully, almost swooning.
Everyone stared blankly at her. Sunflower was the one to break the silence. "Okay, even I don't ship that."
Meanwhile, Michael had pulled Peter and James aside. "You two are the only two I trust. We've got the Hispanic sneerer, the whiny rich kid Midnight, that incredibly boring Lauren, and then the female Noah. Seriously, I thought that the second generation was bad."
"Chris must be scraping empty on the barrel," Peter noted. "I could probably make a poem about his life. Perhaps a haiku. Chris was an asshole. He got killed by a demon. Everyone rejoiced. What do you think?"
"Sounds pretty accurate," James said cheerfully. "I wonder what happened to Chef, though."
Michael sighed. "As bad as our team is, it's nothing compared to Elsa, Ezekiel, Sierra 2.0, freak of nature, and Superwimp. Janet's the only one I trust on their team and I genuinely hope she doesn't die."
Janet, meanwhile, was probably going to end up being killed by one of her teammates. She'd tried to have a team huddle, but when she'd placed her arm on Sunflower's side, she'd cried out in pain, saying something about how the wound from "that bitch" still hurt when touched.
"I need Midnight! He's the only one who can contain my dark side!"
Zeke scratched his head. "If your clothes are casting shadows on your skin you could always take them off."
Another instant and the elegant girl held him by the collar. "Say that again."
"If your clothes are casting shadows on your skin, you could always take them off, eh! What's the problem here, homie?"
Matthew attempted to intervene. "Whoa whoa whoa. We all need to work as a team here. Can't have us killing each other, now can we?"
"Can we dunk him in the ocean too?" Aurora asked viciously.
"Why can't we all just get along?" Belinda sighed melodramatically.
"Let him go," Janet ordered Aurora. Grudgingly, she dropped him on the ground, causing him to cry out in pain. "I hope you turn into a zombie again, Smeagol," she hissed at him, a snake tongue protruding between her teeth for some unexplained unimaginable reason. No one asked.
Michael clapped his hands once. "Clap your hands once if you can hear me."
Clap.
"Clap your hands twice if you can hear me."
Clap clap. Da Zeke had clapped three times at this, prompting a melting gaze from Elsa, I mean Aurora. Eventually, the more Michael tried to get the attention of people, the more fights broke out. Janet attempted to intervene between Aurora and da Zeke, only to brush against Sunflower. The stalker let out a noise like a cat getting stepped on and pounced on Janet, sending them both crashing into the fighting duo.
Matthew attempted to help but tripped over his own cape, knocking Midnight into the dogpile as well.
Peter and James just watched in barely contained amusement. Peter turned to look at James. "It's really a shame that we don't have any popcorn."
Michael just facepalmed.
Adrian was feeling pretty smug and satisfied with himself as he proceeded to piss on Chris's corpse before leaving it in the women's bathroom. Demon as he was, he was incredibly immature, and left Chris naked in an inappropriate position, not even giving him the dignified exit Chris had always wanted but had never deserved. He giggled all the way while doing it as if he were a naughty schoolchild. Or Mal. Either one, really. Stupid pencil god...
As he walked back outside, he contemplated the mysteries of the universe, such as the origins of life, his place in it, why he did what he did, and why he'd seen that LEL guy naked in the ocean making some...incredibly strange noises that even a demon of hell had found too frightening to investigate.
The interns, surprisingly, had not run away in terror at the sight of him, instead bowing down to him as if he were a god. "You have saved our lives, and we are eternally grateful." It amused him to no end that they'd rather serve a demon of hell as opposed to Chris McLean. The interns had trashed the entire camp out of rage, and Adrian had allowed them access to Chef's secret gun stash. Pretty much everything had been burned to the ground.
Adrian sat calmly in Chris's quarters, which had been stripped of all of Chris's more extravagant purchases, but still remained his. One of the interns, the chubby one, entered the room and knelt before him. "What is thy bidding, my master?"
Adrian chuckled. "Get up! No need for that. I won't have you slaving for another person! I don't want your eternal loyalty! I just want your loyalty for a week or so...with extended warranty."
The chubby intern rose to his feet. "Okay, but seriously, what do you want us to do?"
Adrian stretched. "Get yourselves fed first. Some clean clothes. Let out a little steam. Until you feel you've fully avenged Chris's monstrosities, do not stop. And then, after you've done that, you'll do one thing for me and one thing only." Adrian rose to his feet and smirked.
"And that is?" the intern asked excitedly.
"Killing every last contestant on this island. You've seen how they're just as apathetic to your fates as Chris was. They watched as some of you were eaten by alligators, placed in hospitals, and they didn't care."
The chubby intern saluted the new boss. "Yes sir! It will be done! I'll gather the rest of the interns."
"Wait," Adrian said, concern entering his voice. "Be sure, like I said, to fill up. You all should enjoy your new freedom for a while. And also, be on the lookout for Chef. He could prove a handful."
"Yes sir!" said the intern, and walked outside. Two seconds later, he walked back in, eyes wide.
"What is it?"
The intern just stared. "I went outside and there was a naked guy humping the ocean."
Adrian just facepalmed.