april 20th, 1972
after dissecting something unimportant, the medic stood boredly in his dark, creepy, filthy operating room that reeked of formaldehyde and doritos. he decided that he was hungry and reached for a snack.
"archimedes, vere are mein snacksen," he asked west-germanly
"i don't know, are you fucking high? i'm a bird you idiot, i can't talk" archimedes said in a birdlike manner.
"ein mighten be," he muttered, burying his face in his blood-soaked, gloved hands. once again the doctor had unfortunately done too many dank weeds.
"wipe the blood off your face you idiot" archimedes yelled
"oh jah, sorry," medic said. he then forgot to do that, and instead continued searching for his special bag of gmo-free gluten-free organic human finger-flavored doritos from whole foods. he found the bag, but he looked inside and saw a few actual human fingers in there instead.
"ah, good enough," he smiled warmly, wholeheartedly crunching into his daily afternoon snack. medic just about finished licking his own gloved fingers when he heard a knock at the door.
"duh is doktor there? heavy need help," heavy said stupidly because he's a fucking idiot
"i'll be righten zere, herr heavy," he said as he rose from his seat and knocked something unimportant over on his way to the door. then he opened the door. then he looked at the mammoth manchild mouthbreather in front of him
"doktor. red face?" heavy breathed dumbly, gesturing at his own face
"oh, vhoops," medic giggled. "i guess it's mein new makeups."
"da. look pretty"
"donkey shame, heavy, donkey shame," medic thanked him, singing and snapping his fingers
"thank for all the boys in rain," heavy giggled dumbly, a feeble attempt at singing the wayne newton classic "danke schoen"
"it's joy and pain, you inbred backvater soviet bumpkin," medic screamed angrily and in character, his face turning even redder as he knocked over several jars of organs in a fit of rage. "not. boys in zhe rain!"
"heavy s-sorry," heavy said shakily, his lower lip trembling. he began to sob because he'd always managed to fuck up wayne newton songs and this occurence was nothing new
medic realized his mistake and felt really bad for yelling at the heavy. basically what he'd just done was the equivalent of asking a toddler to recite a line from the odyssey and then verbally berating it when it could not
"a-ah, no, it's okay, heavy. i got a little carried away zhere, hehe"
"no...heavy never sing wayne newton good. always bad," he roared, tears flowing freely down his stubbled face.
"shh, no no. don't vorry about it, mein liebeling. now sit down, it is time for your daily checkup that i give you for no reason at all," medic assured him, gesturing towards the rusty gurney
"ok" said heavy, not moving
"ok" said medic, gesturing towards the gurney again
"ok" said heavy, staring into space
"ok" said medic, hands on his hips
"ok" said heavy, throwing his massive body onto the bed
"ok" said medic, patting his head
"ok" said heavy, staring at the ceiling
"ok" medic said, taking off his medical jacket and gloves.
"doktor why you take off coat and hand sock?" asked the heavy stupidly
"i vant to be closen to ze human blood. you know how much i loven ze bloods. medic. 43. stuttgart. gay. lover of ze human body. in love with mikhail. viener schnitzel. berlin vall. hitler. BMWs. fascism. large russian people. pretzels. beer. oktoberfest. autobahn," medic said germanly, reciting from memory the sidebar from his tumblr blog
"ok" said heavy, tearing all of his clothes off and revealing his glistening, fat, muscled, naked body
"oOoh," said medic, wiggling his fingers as though he'd just spotted a fresh doughnut. "delicious. don't mind if i do."
"doktor there is no food anywhere"
"ein know," he said creepily, bursting into a fit of laughter. completely fucking blazed, he grabbed a plastic spoon that he got from the local deli and tried to cut the heavy's chest open.
"uh i don't think it work," whimpered the heavy in such a pitiful manner that it was metaphorical for the fall of the soviet union
"oh shit...you're right" medic mumbled slowly, followed by a loud laugh. he threw the plastic spoon across the room and picked up a large, rusty surgical knife, slicing the heavy open in one go.
"ow," screamed the heavy as blood spurted out of his chest cavity
"oops, no anesthesia haha" giggled the medic. he focused his medigun beam on the heavy, who relaxed. then he took every single organ out of the heavy's body except for his brain.
"doktor you took away everything in my body. how i am alive?" asked the heavy, tears running down his face
"uh. shit. vhoops" said the sweaty, nervous medic, who'd fucked up yet again. goddamn it, this is what you get when you try to do surgery stoned off your ass. don't do marijuanas, kids
"put back and please stop," sobbed the heavy. "just say no. be above influence. didn't you sign contract in middle school that said you wouldn't smoke weed?"
"vhat ze fuck? no"
heavy rose from the gurney, still missing most of his internal organs.
"D.A.R.E. was founded in 1983 in Los Angeles and has proven so successful that it is now being implemented in 75 percent of our nation's school districts and in more than 43 countries around the world. D.A.R.E. is a police officer-led series of classroom lessons that teaches children from kindergarten through 12th grade how to resist peer pressure and live productive drug and violence-free lives. D.A.R.E. IS SUBSTANCE ABUSE PREVENTION EDUCATION AND MUCH MORE!" said the heavy
"ah. i see. to resist drugs and violence."
"da"
"i agree. i am sorry for smoking cannabis," medic apologized as he signed a certificate saying he would never do another marijuana again that was also signed by his fifth-grade teacher, school principal, and local police officer. then he returned the organs to heavy's body.
"it ok," heavy said with a sigh. "heavy just worried about doktor."
"ok" said the medic, closing up the heavy's stomach with the medigun. he rubbed his naked belly in a friendly gay way
"heeh eeee that tickles, doktor," giggled the heavy
"i know" tickled the medic. then he leaned down and blew into the heavy's massive stomach as though he were a newborn
"aaaaaaaaoohohohoomph," cried the heavy. "doktor i-i am not baby man…"
"yes you are," medic yelled assertively in between breaths
"ok" heavy said, accepting his infant fate. he attempted to remove the medic's glasses to reveal his striking baby blues.
"zhe specs stay on," medic screamed
"sorry doktor," heavy whimpered quietly
"let me gay pleasure you, herr heavy" medic yelled. as things usually go in these weird-ass stories of mine, you probably know where this is going
"ok" yipped the heavy, his massive elephant trunk of a
you know what, i'm just going to hit the fast forward here. you guys get the idea okay
an hour of intense lovemaking later, the naked mercenaries lay sweaty and in their own fluids.
"zhat was so good, mikhail. never have i had such a good gay romp" sighed the medic, cuddling into his hairy baby bear
"very nicE," heavy blinked awesomely
then ms. pauling walked in, because she doesn't have to open the door, because she's fucking ms. pauling
"frau pauling. how are you?" medic asked in a casually naked way
"turned the hell on," she chuckled nervously, observing the perfectly artistic, intricate display of homosexuality that lay before her. the room was dark, save for a single light above the entangled couple that shone down on them flawlessly.
"we look like sistine chapel," sighed the heavy dreamily
"uh have you ever actually seen ze sistine chapel?" medic asked skeptically
"no," he giggled stupidly
"classic heavy," smiled ms. pauling as the studio audience erupted into laughter and applause.
"would you like to join, ms. pauling?" asked the heavy
"no," yelled the medic. "no frauleins allowed"
"ok" frowned the heavy
"it's okay, i'm fine just watching" smiled ms. pauling. then they went at it again while ms. pauling took "notes" and dodged a few spurts of bodily fluids
"mees pawleen," heavy grunted, "vat writing?"
"oh, just taking some notes," smiled ms. pauling. in reality, she was writing heavymedic yaoi to post on archive of our own dot com and fanfiction dot net, hoping for it to earn more kudos and favorites than her boss' hot and heavy sniperspy fic. they were sort of competitive like that and it was nice
"notes on vat endorphins are released in ze human body when we have sex?" panted the medic as he pummeled the heavy again
"uh…yeah." ms. pauling finished her naughty little lemon and began sketching some nsfw fanart of them to post later on tumblr and deviantart. she'd hoped there was some new stuff in the heavymedic tag when she went home to check. she also hoped her art got more notes on tumblr than the administrator's smutty scoutspy sketch. in ms. pauling's opinion, she was the superior artist and the only reason the administrator got more notes on her art was because she fucking pandered to the fangirls who went apeshit over anything having to do with that pairing
"very interesting," medic moaned
"yeah, yeah. stupid fucking scoutspy fangirls. i'll show em," ms. pauling said under her breath, furiously sketching out the spectacle in front of her
"did you say somezing ms. pauling?" medic moaned
"no, keep going. ignore me," she said. she signaled somewhere behind her and an entire lights and camera crew with a craft service table came through, along with a makeup crew. they began shooting the heavy and medic and applying makeup to their faces, while they hadn't even noticed anything amiss.
"great shot, keep going. aw yeah, they're gonna love that," the cameraman goaded, filming the sexy times in front of him.
"no, wait, what? oh my god it's all wrong," ms. pauling yelled, yanking the film camera out of his hand. she began filming the heavy and medic, getting close-ups of all their sweaty nooks and crannies.
"excellent" she said like wayne in wayne's world, pointing the camera at her own face and giving a thumbs-up.
"ms. pauling, i smell coffee and doughnuts. and various other foodstuffs," medic moaned
"you're high, stop imagining things," she screamed
"ah, quite true," medic moaned. they both climaxed and lay on top of each other, breathing heavily.
"alright, cut. we're gold. that's a wrap. everything's in the can. cast and crew party tonight at 8," ms pauling said confidently, dismissing the entire crew. "hohoho, this is perfect"
"vat is perfect ms. pauling?" asked heavy
"you, heavy. you're perfect," she snickered as she left the room.
"thenk you ms. pauling," heavy giggled, petting his naked medic as they both basked in their post-coitus glow