i'd like to dedicate this chapter to natalia from second period pre-algebra becuz she's a TOTAL BITCH WHO FLAMED ME IN THE REVIEWS! fuck you natalia my writing is great and you're just jealous because you got a C in english and i got a B+ so heck off or i'm telling everyone in seventh grade that you don't have ur period yet LOL!

the new pyro

~*~pyro pov~*~

i am the pyro. and i have a lot of cool secrets.

my entire skin is scar tissue, but i also have red hair and a slammin body and a gorgeous face.

i love fire. i love sex. i love fiery sex.

i'm asian/hispanic/indian/middle-eastern/native american/every other ethnicity that isn't represented by the other eight classes. i had a generic, troubled past with perhaps a few tragedies and/or accidents sprinkled throughout.

today, i joined the red team. and i just so happen to be female.

so, pay close attention to my haughty and artfully-paced diction. i am a fucking whacko.

~~*~*~*not pyro pov*~*~**~

"so you're the new pyro, huh? hello new pyro, i'm ms. pauling, basically the eyes and ears of this place," ms. pauling said plainly, showing the pyro around the red base. pyro was silent.

"hello. are you there?" she asked, staring into the tinted goggles that hid the person under the mask. pyro nodded solemnly, and was actually busy listening to 'crawling' by linkin park with apple™ earbuds on under her mask.

"good. then here are your instructions," she said, handing the pyro a piece of paper that just said "instructions" on it. pyro gave it a confused once-over before looking at ms. pauling blankly. ms. pauling then cracked up so hard that her face turned red and tears streamed down her face. stabilizing herself on the wall, she cleared her throat and then stood straight, handing the pyro another piece of paper.

"sorry about that," she giggled, and sighed. ms. pauling and her fucking stupid, tired dad jokes. "here are your real instructions." the piece of paper said 'fire' on it in comic sans wordart™, with flames coming off the sides of the letters like something off of a guy fieri shirt.

"hnks" mumbled pyro, looking at the piece of shit in her hands.

"you're welcome. contact me if you need anything." ms. pauling was gone at that point already because who cares this is just shitty beginning exposition let's get to the juicy big brother-esque rom-com-drama

"hjrajkfuapmurphhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said pyro, as the song on her zune™ switched from 'crawling' to 'FNF8F893JF90_&&!_ HJF83WhAt I'vE DuN_ 3', also by linkin park and downloaded from limewire. it took a few times of accidentally getting that soundbite of bill clinton saying "i did not have sexual relations with that woman" before finally finding her goldmine of linkin park songs. ahhh the days of ye olde limewire/napster/kazaa…..,,,...

~*~*~*~*~*pyro POV~*~*~*~~

i really love linkin park and killing things. i think joe ellsworth from the youtube comments on "what i've done - with lyrics" says it best:

joe ellsworth

3 months ago

I once almost drowned my older brother once and I'm not proud of it either but I was stupid and I have a mental disorder that makes me crazy so yeah its like I have a demon locked inside so yeah...

Reply 4

~*~*~*not pyro POV~*~*~*~*~*~*

so the super-cool pyro (girl!) walked into the break room in all her female fiery vagina glory.

"welcome, new pahro," said engineer or whatever. who gives a shit you could swap out this character with another merc and it wouldnt matter

"huddah huh" said the new pyro. she sounded suspiciously…female…

"uh hi, mubmles" said the scout, nervous and also apprehensive of the team's newest mentally unstable weirdo

"привет новый товарищ," said heavy stupidly

"honhon hon, je ne crois pas cette nouvelle idiote de l'équipe!" quipped the spy arrogantly, carelessly throwing seven lit cigarettes behind him and forcefully biting into an eclair, squirting gallons of vanilla cream everywhere

"ich bin berauscht wieder, auch wenn ich sagte, ich würde nie rauchen marihuana," giggled medic, taking a swig of some nasty cocktail of mountain dew, weed, and vermouth. isn't it nice to read these entire lines of poorly-translated foreign languages?

"noice ta meetcha, oim the snoipah of this bloody team. welkam ahboooaahhhd," said the sniper, sipping a trendy little mason jar of his own pee

"huddah" said the pyro, more than a little grossed out! :O (*a/n: i wuld b too! lolz _*)

"uh...i'm drunk! lol," said the demoman, who was drunk. but nobody cares about him so

"hhnnnnrggh," soldier grumbled, pounding his dumb meaty fist against the palm of his other hand. "i don't KNOW about you," he barked, "i don't TRUST you, i can't SEE your FACE, and i don't KNOW how you FIGHT…in fact, i might say that you WALK like a….GIRL! TAKE OFF THAT MASK!"

an awkward pause settled into the room, the pyro sweating under her rubber gas mask. shit.

"...oi dunnoh ware yeh bloody gettin that from," sniper said, licking some stray drops of urine from between his dirt-caked fingers (extra flavor) as he came to her rescue. "yew limey lil cunt, always makin' things up. can't trust a dahm thing yew say anymore."

"shut it, kangaroo!" soldier exploded, hitting his head with the TV remote. "the last thing this team needs is a WOMAN! i am a MENINIST and FAILURE IS NOT an option!"

"you are a wot, now?" coughed spy, breathing out france-shaped smoke clouds with an air of incredulous amusement

"u mot m8? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" scout mumbled to himself, giggling quietly at his original and funny meme

"shut it, boy," engineer growled, slapping the scout upside his stupid misshapen bostonian head. "i'm gettin' more than a lil sick of yer goddamn *memes*."

"i'm a MENINIST," soldier roared, ripping his team coat open and revealing a shirt that said #MENINIST on it in bold font.

pyro felt waves upon waves of secondhand embarrassment for the soldier, but showed support by clapping and making happy noises anyway. that way he would be sure to believe that she was male, right?

"AH, now THIS ONE knows what's good!" soldier said, smacking the pyro on the back. "would you also like a #MENINIST shirt?"

pyro nodded and cheered, much to the disgust of her teammates who weren't tacky trashbags that took parody twitter accounts seriously

"I THINK i'm gonna like you!" soldier yelled. "i'm now completely convinced that you're an excellent asset to the team." then he smacked his own head with the remote a few more times for good measure before leaving to go terrorize local townspeople for not being meninists. another silence fell in the cramped rec room before the sniper broke it

"so," he said, taking a sip of his own tepid pee, "you're not really a...meninist...ah yew?"

"uh uh," said the pyro, shaking her head no. everyone in the room sighed loudly in relief at the exact same time

"haha, wut, doez dat mean ur a girl?" scout chortled bostonianly. the room fell silent, all 15 eyes on the pyro.

"...uh uh," said the pyro, shaking her head no again. then the whole room cheered like that commercial where that little girl says "¿por qué no los dos?" and the entire nation of mexico goes apeshit over old el paso soft tacos lol that commercial is so wild right haha

some time later, the pyro decided to shower in the communal showers, trying to be sneaky by going at 2am. she got naked in her room and then casually walked naked all the way to the showers down the hallway. why? because she lacks critical thinking skills and was too absorbed in her zune™ to notice. she got in the stall and turned on the hot water, which felt awesome and great because when does hot water ever feel like shit? like even when it's stupid fuckin hot out people still take hot showers because hot water is the tits

anyway she was rockin out on her waterproof zune™ and listening to a linkin park remix, too in the zone to realize that someone else had come in. her long, wet, shiny, bright red (a/n: ew not like 2010 ariana grande lmao, think like…2009 hayley williams, sort of blood orange that just pops, some lighter orange highlights, hints of yellow kind of. basically just imagine hayley williams! i love paramore and my mom just bought me their latest album on itunes x] haha lol) hair clung to her face, her slender white (of course) body dripping with water.

suddenly, she felt the curtain fly open and she spun around, covering her boobs and vagina with her arms. it was the scout, also standing there completely naked.

"py-py…" he spluttered, calling her his new nickname for her because they'd already become best friends in the span of a day. i don't even know how he knew she was the pyro, but she looked like she could be because fire is sort of the color of her hair, so she was.

"oh crap. it isn't wat it looks like scout!" she yelled.

"what isn't?"

"uh idk…" she said, staring at him. (a/n: i was 2 lazy to put i dont know xP plus it fits her attitude...more…right? "XD)

"hhhh...nacked….boop…" scout spluttered again, ogling her full, wet, perky breasts.

"what the heck are you saying?" pyro said, forgetting that she was naked, hands now sassily on her full hips

"boob," said scout again, slowly reaching his hand out to touch it. he awkwardly squished her right boob exactly once.

"yes," she said

"w-wow…nice..." scout stuttered. "i grew up with 102 mad dog boston brothers. my brothers were dogs. angry bostonian canines. i've never seen a boobs in my life." they looked up at each other and met eyes, suddenly crashing together hotly for a cool hot nice sexy awesome kiss.

"oh, snout…" pyro moaned as they made sweet love under the piping hot shower

"oh py-py…" scout moaned as they made sweet love under the piping hot shower

that night, all was right with the world.

the next day was a ceasefire day, which are apparently super common and casually peppered throughout the week. in fact, hardly any work gets done around here because most of the time everyone is ostensibly just shooting the shit or doing their own thing and never actually fighting

it was 6am and pyro was sleeping by then. her door unlocked because she's an idiot. the demoman, absolutely trashed, fumbled with the doorknob for a bit before swinging inside and tumbling onto the floor. pyro, a heavy sleeper, hadn't even noticed the wasted scotsman on the floor.

"aaehhh bhbajhbhbhbhbhh kilt haggis bagpipe," he said scottishly, clumsily getting back up. fully convinced he was in his own room, he kicked off his boots and got into bed, ignoring the pyro.

"huhwhat?" said the pyro, finally fucking waking up from her coma. "who there?"

"hot a what baabhabbiat," mumbled the demoman with a belch

"ok," she said, completely okay with that. she turned over and met eyes with him as the sunlight streamed through her window

"pyroh?" he mumbled

"that me yes," she replied, smoothing back her bright red hayley williams hair

"wow...you're…", he mumbled, then belched in her face. "...you're real snexy"

"thanks, haha. u 2!" she giggled, realizing how hot and manly the big demo was. hopefully his pecker was as big as his explosions on the field! ;) (a/n: like his…..p*nis! LOL! OMG susan if your reading this don't tell mom i said that or else i'll tell her what you did with adrien last week! lol! :P)

"isn't this my room?" he mumbled

"no," she said, shyly kissing his scrumpy-soaked lips

"hhh...ok," he said, slowly and sensually making out with the pyro. then they made hot morning love in the magical sunrise.

later that morning, pyro was in her uniform, watching tv when the heavy walked in.

"hi peepee pyro!" he said stupidly, waving. he walked over to the couch where she sat, grabbed the remote, and changed the channel to yo gabba gabba.

"huddh" she said happily, sitting on his lap because he wanted to sit on the couch and he was so big he took up the whole fucking thing

"pyro is very light," he said, patting her head dumbly.

"yhhh"

"if heavy did not know better, heavy would think pyro is…" he snickered, covering his fat russian cakehole with his equally fat hand, "...girl."

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"wat, is pyro really girl?" heavy joked, giggling.

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"pyro is really girl…" heavy said, skeptically

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"pyro is really girl?!" heavy said, shocked.

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"pyro is really girl!" heavy said excitedly

"crap. you got me," she said, taking off her mask and shaking her long shiny beautiful red hayley williams hair about.

"wow. pyro...hh...hot. beautiful," heavy said, his eyes glazed over, petting the pyro's hair like how lenny pet his dog in *of mice & men* (except he killed it...LOL!)

"ow"

"sorry," he said, "heavy just shy. pyro is so gorjus!"

"haha, thanks," she giggled, wrapping her arms around heavy's thick-ass tree trunk neck and hoisting her twig legs over his fat lap. heavy could not deny in his own small pea brain that he was immensely turned on by the display in front of him.

"...isnt suit very heavy on pyro?"

"hm…now that you mention it, heavy…" she said saucily, slipping the heavy fire-retardant suit off of her slender, naked frame.

"ahhh this is more like it!" heavy bellowed hornily, diving in to make out with the pyro. she opened her mouth wide, but he opened his wider and practically ate her face off.

"mmphhp mpphpmmhp!"

"oh, sorry pyro. was a leetle hungry. hehe." heavy then yanked down his pants and revealed a massive manhood that rivaled the demoman's. "heee's coming for you! yatatatatatatatatatatatatata dooboodahbodehboodahboodah kaa-BOOM!"

"oh yes!" pyro cried, her womanhood warmly accepting the russian army like afghanistan in the 80s

the rest, as they say, was communist history.

"hm...ah thiyunk ah can cut a wahyre here. that would ruhduce the sentry's power load by 12%!" the engineer exclaimed texanly, working on improving his sentry in his dimly-lit lab on his day off like a fucking shitnerd.

"huddah huh!" the pyro said, knocking on the doorframe and letting herself in rudely. but they were already best friends because pyros and engies are always best friends! pybros for life! :)

"huh? oh hai pahro! what're you daggone ding-dong doodley-dang doin'?" engineer asked, getting up and doing a square dance

"huddah!"

"yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw! that's what ah thought!" he cried, plunking a white ten-gallon hat on his baby-bald head and lassoing himself a texan-fried donut from across the room with the cord on his tool belt.

"hh...huddah huh...hdhaduhdhadhunedh?" pyro asked, wondering if she could trust the engineer with her most burdensome secret of gender. the secret was beginning to be too much to bear. how could she possible hide something like that from six of her teammates?

"of course, pahro! yew kin tell me anythang!" engineer sang, strumming on his guitar on his rancho relaxo chair. pyro gazed at this sexy display for a long time. the engineer was wearing a wifebeater under his overalls and workboots, his thick, strong arms coated with a sheen of sweat from a day's work. his goggles were on his head, showcasing his beautiful, red-orange-colored eyes. he was the only person on the team with them and pyro had never seen them before, so she found herself becoming wetter by the second at the sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer in front of her with eleven hard science PhDs. she finally doffed her mask and shook her hayley williams hair about her, eliciting a grunt of surprise from the sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer in front of her with eleven hard science PhDs.

"gud NAGHT ah-RAIN!" engineer said, raising his eyebrows. "yer a...woman!"

"i am," pyro said, sexily blinking back tears. she'd hoped this wouldn't cause him to think any less of her, as they were best friends.

"oooh, pahro, if i wun't married i'd be in mah raght mahnd tah pounce raght on ya!"

"y-you're married?" pyro asked in thinly-veiled disbelief. damn, she'd been hoping to bed the sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer with eleven hard science PhDs. she licked her strawberry lips as her lady parts began to tingle at the prospect of a deliciously hot texan fuck. her heart pounded in her ears, her thoughts clouded over, and the only thing she could focus on was the thought of him solving her like he would a second-order linear partial differential equation.

in other words, despite the fact that they were close buddies, she wanted nothing more at that moment than his sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer dick with eleven hard science PhDs.

and the engineer knew that the sciences in which he majored were not the only things that were hard.

"weeeeyul, ahrene's been ded for 'bout ten yeayurs now. ah dunno…" he said, in deep thought. though his wife had died, and the pyro was like a brother to him, engineer remembered there was nothing wrong with fucking your brother in the state of texas, especially if he is a she, and she's hot, and not even genetically a brother. so why not?

"ah, blast it. whut better way to move on than to do it with a fiery, beautiful redhead who's also an awesome woman?" he said, closing up his rancho relaxo chair and tentatively making his way towards this young, tough, yet nubile woman.

"there's none better," she whispered in heartfelt manner, biting her full lips, red like that of the reddest apples, shining in colors of the cheeks of a snow-country child. they kissed gently and the engineer led her to the back of his lab where they had hot sweaty soft-spoken amiable texan buffalo wild wing sex on top of his blueprints and eleven hard science PhDs.

the time was now five in the evening as the exhausted pyro trudged around the outdoor property of the RED base, looking for something to do in the blistering, arid desert of new mexico. she spotted the sniper's tower from afar and decided to chat with him. though he was a loner and not one much for conversation, perhaps she could convince him that he needed some company.

she climbed the ladder to the tower to see that he was there, despite today being a ceasefire day. and he was drinking his own piss. again. pfft, typical kiwi.

"wot're yew dewin' up heah, poiroh?" sniper asked, pulling his aviators down to face the muffled pyromaniac.

"huddah huh."

"oi can't undastand a woid yuh sayin'. suppose it's bettah that woy," he said new zealandly, putting down the dirt-encrusted jar of pee and peering into his rifle's scope once again.

silence settled in between the two as the nymphomaniac pyro gazed at the sniper. besides the piss-drinking, the more she stared at his lithe, slender, well-built figure, the more aroused she became. a man as attractive, sharp, and aloof as he...what a sex god. but she had to keep her secret, because it wouldn't be good if she were found out.

why? who knows. but, for sure, keeping such a heavy secret weighed heavily on the pyro's shoulders.

"mpphh mphhh?" pyro asked, wondering if the sniper minded if she put on some tunes.

"sure, wotever," sniper said absentmindedly, not understanding what the pyro had said. with that, she whipped out her zune™ and began loudly blasting "thanks for the memories" by fall out boy, startling the sniper into pulling the trigger of his rifle and releasing a stray shot. she peered at him through her goggles, wondering how he would react.

"bloody hell! i-is that...fawl out boi?!" he exclaimed. pyro decided that she could keep her secret no longer from her newfound acquaintance and hesitantly removed her mask.

"i'm pyro. i'm female. i love fall out boy," she said confidently, the dusky desert wind sweeping her hayley williams hair about.

"wot now?" sniper asked, taking his glasses off and admiring the pyro's gracefully scarred beauty.

"u mirin', brah?" pyro asked, unzipping her suit and flexing her guns.

"i mite fuarkin be. sick gains, brah," sniper said, kissing his arms and flexing his own abs like a member of the misc section of forums dot bodybuilding dot com

"whoa. nice, brah. and yeah, that was fall out boy," she said, in a shy yet cute way.

"oi...oi lahve fawl out boi tew. eva since oi was a lad," sniper reminisced, "oi've held them close to moi haht. oi even saw em on tour in new zealand. pete wentz even soigned moi rifle, see?"

"w-wow, that's really amazing." pyro murmured, staring at the sniper, the air filled with tension that soon turned to relative ease.

"so...yew wanna wotch me snoipe?"

"i thought this was a ceasefire day," pyro said.

"it is," sniper explained. "oi jus like tew practice, y'know."

"i know."

an awkward silence filled the small area again, as the pyro watched the sniper shoot targets from afar. not before long, she began gently petting his back as he sniped, hoping to get him to relax a bit more.

"when was the last time you've...been with a woman?" pyro asked, her voice deeper and totally sexier as her boobs popped out from under her tank top a little bit. she took off her suit because shes sexy

"uh, er...three. oi'un rememba," sniper said quickly and embarrassedly, his face turning a shade that matched his shirt.

"three what?" pyro asked.

"OI'UNNO," sniper snapped, his face now so red that it turned slightly blue. "that's a very personal question, yew know."

"oh, baby, i know," pyro said with a wink, tugging the hem of her shirt up. she slowly began stripping, brushing parts of her smooth, slender body up against the sniper. she was soon only in her bra and panties.

"oimavign," sniper spluttered, dropping his gun and feeling the metaphorical spaghetti leaking from his pockets.

"hm?" moaned pyro, sticking her tongue out and slipping her bra strap off her shoulder.

"OI'MAVIRIGNJ," he screamed, his face now purple.

"oh, sweetie, are you alright?" pyro asked, leaning over and gently stroking the sniper's face.

"NnnhhooOOOHHhh," he screamed, his heart racing.

"what's wrooong?" pyro asked, wrapping her arms around the distressed man's neck and grinding up against him. he trembled, shaking like a leaf that's never had sex before nor been so close to a naked woman that was not its mother.

"yew, yew don't have any clothes on," he growled, panting and trying to not have a stroke. his nose began dripping blood.

"oh, hon, is your nose bleeding?" pyro asked with a small smile. "it's like an anime or something."

"oi...oi love animay," sniper whimpered, thinking of his waifu hatsune miku-chan

"well, baby, i'm here and i'm *better* than anime," pyro whispered fiercely, ripping off her bra and exposing her large, supple tiddies

"oh...y-y-y-y-y-yes, p-p-p-p-p-poiro-chan," sniper stammered in disbelief. he'd pitched such a tent that he could've literally started a campfire and called it a night in the woods.

"someone's hungry," she moaned, nibbling his ear. he screamed.

"OIM A VIRGIN, OLROIGHT?" he yelled, near tears.

"oh, i know. it's no problem, sugar. i'll help you out with that," pyro said sexily, as they both sunk to the floor. she wrapped her naked legs around him and their lips met in an explosion of lust and new zealand virginity as "thanks for the memories" by fall out boy blasted in the background. the two made beautiful emo love from the evening into the night.

a few days later, after the pyro proved that she could hold her own on the battlefield, she was called into the medic's office.

"ogh, herr pyro!," called medic gayly. i needen to zee youz!"

"huddh huh," said pyro, strolling into the medic's office.

"i'm giving you a czheckup because zhat's my job," he said, giggling from all the weed he'd smoked that day. "now, off wid zat mask!"

"nhrh," pyro said disapprovingly, crossing her arms and staying put.

"tch, don't be silly," medic tutted sassily, sassily putting his clipboard down on his sassy desk and sassily crossing his sassy arms. "i'm going to need you to take off zhat mask."

"nhrh," repeated pyro.

"fine, if zhat's ze wey you want it," medic sighed sassily, sassily grabbing the top of her mask and sassily pulling it off himself. pyro looked up at him with alarm.

"how could you?" she exclaimed, tears in her eyes. he'd violated her super-secret secret that she'd been trying so hard to hide all this time

"i-i-i-i-i-i…" medic spluttered. then he began laughing hysterically.

"what's so funny?" pyro snapped, narrowing her eyes.

"i'm zo zhrilled to finally have a girl friend!" medic yelled flamboyantly, throwing a pink feather boa around his neck.

"you're gay?" pyro asked, surprised.

"like omg, totes girl," medic said in a gay german way. "i won season drei of rupaul's drag race, fraulein. i zink i know fabulous."

"ahmahgah!" pyro squealed, putting her palms to her cheeks. "you can be my gay best friend!"

"LIKE TOTALLY!" medic screamed, really loudly. he started laughing maniacally, flipping his boa about and knocking down medical equipment in his lab.

"omg but like who're you fucking tho?" pyro asked in that really gossipy voice you hear from white girls at starbucks who give you dirty looks (COUGH NATALIA COUGH!)

"ach, nobody," medic said, trying to maintain a poker face and failing spectacularly

"oh come oOOon," pyro said, rolling her eyes. "these guys are like, heavenly. you've gotta be fuckin' at least, like, one."

"fine. don't tell anyone," medic whispered, leaning in. "i am fucking ze heavy."

"omg like GET OUT," pyro said, pushing the medic lightly on the chest. "i just fucked him a few days ago!" the medic started laughing hysterically, tears streaming down his dumb kraut face.

"...aren't you mad at me?" pyro asked

"of courz not, frau," medic giggled, wiping tears from his eyes. "ze heavy is too stupid to have a sexuality! he does not know better!"

"that explains it," pyro said, nodding and sipping her coffee. the two gossipped heavily about the team while listening to avril lavigne for the rest of the entire fucking day. how two people can gossip about six weirdos for an entire day is beyond me, but that's what they did i guess

"i can't believe we lost…" the scout sighed as the team trudged in from their recent slaughtering

"it waz ze pyro's fault," the spy said cooly, letting out a puff of smoke.

"whhr? hrr ws t mrr frlht?" pyro shouted

"oh pleez," spy said, rolling his eyes as they walked into the living room of the team base. "you know what you did. useless to ze team, as alway."

the rest of the team members had headed to the kitchen to eat, which left the pyro and spy standing in the living room.

"im nhhrt ushhrlrs!" pyro screamed, further muffling her speech.

"o hon hon hon baguette," spy snickered, patronizingly tapping the pyro's mask. "i cannot understand a word you zay. who knows what is under zat god-forzaken mazk of yourzzzzzzzzzz," he said with a snarl.

with that, the pyro grabbed spy by the wrist and led him outside into the sunset.

"wot are yoo dooing, you fool," spy grunted, lighting another cigarette even though he wasn't even close to finishing his current one. the pyro peeled the mask off of her face and revealed her beautiful features and hayley williams hair. though the spy didn't show it on his face, he thought she was an absolutely stunning gorgeous beautiful magnificent dove holy angel creature.

"and wot iz ziz? you are a womahnnn? o hon hon hon," the spy cackled. "zhat is rich."

"i am," the pyro affirmed, her voice like sexy butter

"if you zhink you are just going to get your way by having relations wiz me, you've got anozzer zhing coming for you, wench," the spy smirked

"i'm not a wench. and i'm not going to have sex with you. i don't even want to," she lied. the spy looked at her in mild surprise.

"oh really, mahdamawazelle?" he said in a low, throaty sexy french voice into her sexy ear. "you don't want to have zeckz wiz-a me?"

"...no," pyro hissed, her cheeks burning red and her panties becoming less and less dry

"zuit yourzelf," the spy said cockily, playing with his butterfly knife. "i'll be wizz ze team." with that, he disappeared from view and made his way into the kitchen. the soldier was out buying milk at 7-11 because they had run out of milk and the scout really liked milk so he had to have it i guess

"bonjour everyone hon hon," spy said frenchly as he walked in

"bonjour spy," said everyone (but soldier) in monotone

"did you all know zat ze pyro iz a GURL?"

"yes," everyone (but soldier) said in monotone

"wot," the frenchman said, scratching his stupid french head.

"uh yeah, we're goin to the battin' cages next sunday!" piped up the scout

"i'm teachin' 'er 'ow to make haggis this thursday," belched the demoman

"yo gabba gabba tonight," said heavy, giggling and shitting himself

"i'm takin' 'er to muh TED talk next wednesday!" the engineer yelled, munching on cornbread

"we're gonn' go see the interview tomorrow noight," mumbled the sniper

"i'm taking her to zhe local bear club on zaturday nacht!" medic hollered, throwing back an appletini and shaking his big gay stuttgart hips. "whoOOOoOoooooo!"

"you all are friendly wiz ze pairo already?" spy gasped, his dumb french eyes darting from teammate to teammate.

"ye, she's p chill dude," scout shrugged, doing a line of coke off of his arm

"impossible," spy said, storming out of the room in tears. he turned on his zune™ and blasted "complicated" by avril lavig (a/n: luv dat song! wooo!)

"hwy you got to go and make zhings zo complicated…" the spy sang sadly, brooding and walking quickly to his room. unfortunately, he bumped into none other than the pyro, who was

also on her zune™.

listening to complicated.

by avril lavig.

pyro looked at the spy's screen and saw that they were listening to the same song. then she looked up at him and they met eyes in a tense, hot, sexually-charged explosion

"ugh, you're so fake," snapped the spy, rolling his eyes. (a/n: lol this me 2 natalia rn!)

"YOU'R MOM'S FAKE," screamed the pyro, pushing him and running to her room with tears in her eyes. the spy watched this spectacle with tears in his eyes as well, and then slammed the wall with his fast.

"zho much for my 'appy ending," he sang, hoping that the pain that came from hitting the wall would dull the pain he felt in his heart. he decided that wasn't working out so well for him, so he went up to her room to try and apologize.

"pyro i am sorry for calling you fake," spy said, walking into her room to see her crying into her pillow

"get out, loser" she sobbed

"ok" said spy, on his way out. then he turned back around and shook his head. "look, pyro, i am sorry. maybe we can listen to avril lavinge togezzer."

"u rly mean this?" pyro sniffled, looking at him.

"i rly mean this" spy said, sitting down next to her and reluctantly putting his arm around her shoulder

"cool," said pyro.

then they made hot punk rock sex while listening to sum 41 and blink-182 and dead kennedys and linkin park and bad religion and paramore and green day all at the same time ok sorry mom i'll get off the computer god it's only 10:23 you never let me stay up like all my other fr

"i can't believe the cashier said she wasn't a meninist," soldier yelled as he burst through the front door with the 7-11 milk

"no one gives a cuntin' heck mate," sniper hummed, reading the paper with his daily cup of piss-laced coffee

"nobody ASKED you, pinko!" soldier screamed so hard his face turned blue and the veins in his head popped out

"hey guys what's goi…on…" pyro said, coming downstairs in nothing but the spy's white dress shirt.

"WHO in god's GREEN HECK is THIS WOMAN!" soldier erupted, so hard that both of his kidneys ruptured

"oh, fine," pyro said, rolling her eyes. it wasn't like keeping her secret was easy, don't judge her. "i'm the pyro. i'm a woman. happy?"

the soldier stared at her for a long time, remembering that she was a valuable teammate and that her ability to be an asset to RED was not dependent on her gender.

"i've learned my lesson," the soldier grumbled sternly, rubbing the back of his red neck. "i shouldn't judge a woman's ability to be useful based on her gender." as he said this, the sniper spit his coffee out in surprise all over his newspaper

"wow, really? thank you, that's a really nice thing to say, soldier," pyro said with a grin

"JUST JOKING BITCH" he yelled, taking his helmet off and throwing it out the window. with a war cry, he picked up a folding chair and smacked it against his own head, causing him even more brain damage and knocking him out.

"oh, you meninists," pyro said amusedly, putting her hands on her hips with a knowing smile. she went over to him and picked him up by his shoulders, dragging him outside. when she came back inside, she sauntered over to the sniper and sat down next to him.

"yew still wearin' that spook's shoirt," the sniper said, chuckling darkly because he's sorta emo like that ;) haha

"i don't have to be," pyro said, biting her plump bottom lip and giving the sniper bedroom eyes

ok you know how this ends she has more sex with all the hot men :) and they all loved and cherished pyro in a healthy polyamorous relationship except for dumb stupid irrelevant misogynist soldier and awesome gay best friend medic

THE END!

(a/n: natalia i swear to jesus christ my lord and savior if you flame me again i'm telling everyone at school that your idiot alcoholic mom spiked the january bake sale cupcakes with vodka and gin and adrien ate nine and that's why he ended up in the emergency room BITCH! go listen to justin bieber you fake skank!)