Bo is an orphan too. She speaks about it with such candor and serenity that Lauren is completely swept off her feet. Her way of being is surprisingly refreshing and her attitude towards all things and life in general is down to earth without any of the bitterness and frustrations Lauren is used to.
It must be her upbringing, far from the restrictions of modern-day English society, in a far world that still seems to value non-conformism, or at least that's what Lauren assumes. In truth, America to her is a mysterious land that still has the appeal of a mythological Terra Incognita, as it does to most Europeans. It must be Bo's wealth as well, allowing her to grow up without worries, despite her personal tragedies.
But above all, this attitude is owed to Bo's inherent good nature and determination to make the best of everything, no matter the circumstances.
It's not out of shallowness, the girl is anything but superficial, and at times there is such a fierce intensity in her actions that makes Lauren wonder what is actually lurking behind Bo's dark brown eyes. It's just that she would stop at nothing to convince everybody around her and herself as well, perhaps, that there is good in the world, you just have to want to see it.
When they first met, at the library, Lauren was taken by surprise to discover how easy it was to make friends with the American girl. Unsurprisingly, Bo bypasses social rigors without a care in the world and openly discusses her ideas and feelings, never judging, never afraid of being judged. Her smile is infectious and her passion is compelling, and Lauren finds herself drawn to the girl in a way she doesn't quite comprehend.
Lauren is smart – too smart for her own good, most people would say – but when it comes to her relationship with Bo she feels utterly and completely idiotic. She is confused about her feelings and even more confused about how to react. The only things she is quite certain of is that when she's with Bo she feels a kind of happiness and fulfilment she never experienced before, and when they're apart, the American girl is all she can think of.
She is confused and scared, and desperately in need of someone to talk to. Tamsin is the only one she can talk to, but how can she even bring up the topic without sounding like a complete fool? So instead of opening up to her life-long friend and the only person she can call family, she just gushes like an idiot and talks about every little piss-ant thing she finds out from Bo, carefully avoiding the only thing that really matters: how she feels about the American girl. She is aware that Tamsin knows something is off by the way she reacts. But she knows Tamsin is patient with her and will not poke around, she will be there, ready to listen, when the time comes.
She arrived for tea 10 minutes earlier, wearing one of the two dresses Tamsin had bought for her the previous day. It was light pink with a floral pattern and she looked astonishing in it, of this she was certain. Tamsin had said as much, perhaps not in so many words. The colors and fabric were bringing out her intense brown eyes and strikingly prominent jawline.
She rang the front door bell with shaky fingers, trying to remember the last time she had been this nervous. Probably never, not even when she sat through her medical school examinations. The butler who opened the door measured her carefully head to toe and finally nodded approvingly.
"Miss… Lauren Lewis, I presume?" he asked finally.
"Yes, that's right. Good afternoon," she responded promptly, trying to sound as educated as possible.
"Do come in, please," he urged her and stepped aside to make room. He led her to a small study and left her there, letting her know in a very official tone that Miss Dennis would be with her momentarily and that tea would be served in 20 minutes.
She looked around the study, which seemed to be filled only with books, notebooks and maps, all of them in varying states of disarray. This was not at all what Lauren had expected. There were a couple of armchairs and a chair next to a small table in the middle of the room, and she sat awkwardly in one of them, right next to a tower of dusty old tomes dangerously at risk of collapsing. There were a few more books on the table, arranged in a neat pile that contrasted with the chaos governing the rest of the room. She looked closer – there were a couple of American history books, poetry collections by Ezra Pound and Walt Whitman, and a huge biology compendium that caught her eye right away. She started reading and soon became so immersed in it that she didn't realize she had been waiting there for half an hour already.
The door opened suddenly, startling her. She looked up and there she was, Bo Dennis, in a rather disheveled state, wearing a white blouse and a pair of dark trousers, dirty and full of dust and cobwebs. She returned the biology book where she found it and moved to greet her host, opening her mouth to speak but not being able to utter a single word before Bo cut in.
"Hi, Lauren, I am so, so terribly sorry to have kept you waiting for so long… I hope you… oh, may I call you Lauren? I'd prefer to call you Lauren, I cannot possibly keep on calling you Miss Lewis now that we've… Excellent, thank you!" she said when Lauren just nodded smiling. "Anyway, I should probably take a deep breath and count to 10, right," Bo chuckled.
"I believe that would be a great idea," Lauren agreed.
"Okay, back from the start then," Bo said after a pause, exhaling slowly. "My apologies for being so late, I was looking for something in the attic and completely lost track of time. I hope you can forgive me," she added sweetly.
"Oh, it's quite all right… Miss… Bo," she corrected herself quickly after the American shot her a disapproving look. "I actually lost track of time myself, reading from that marvelous biology compendium. It's quite interesting and very educational."
"Oh?" Bo looked confused. "Oh, yes right!" she said brightly after looking at the books on the table. "I'm glad you like it. It's yours."
"What? No, I couldn't possibly accept this… this is a very expensive book, Bo, I cannot…"
"Oh, nonsense! It's sitting here in our library unused, it's a shame, really. I want you to have it and use it, maybe it can help with your studies."
Lauren was still hesitant – nobody had ever gifted her something so expensive before and she really doubted she could accept it without feeling indebted.
"Please, Lauren, I'd rather give this to someone who actually needs it. God knows I don't!" Bo chuckled again.
Good Lord, she had the most beautiful smile. Lauren couldn't resist it long and eventually just nodded in acceptance. "Thank you, I cannot even begin to express my gratitude…"
"No need, Lauren, really. The pleasure is all mine. And I want you to have the poetry books and the American history too. These are some of my favorite poets, I'm not sure how familiar you are with them?"
"I've read quite a bit of Mr. Pound's work, actually."
"Wonderful! I hope you'll like these then," Bo smiled again and stopped all of a sudden, taking a closer look at Lauren, as if she was just seeing her for the first time. "And I must say, you look amazing, Lauren, this dress suits you like a dream!" she said eventually, drawing out each word while her eyes roamed the other woman's body.
Lauren felt her ears burning and she knew her cheeks had turned a violent shade of red, the way they always did when she received a compliment. "Oh, this old thing? Thank you, that's very kind of you," she finally managed to say, trying to sound unimpressed and failing miserably.
"I'm just sayin'em like I see'em, ma'am," Bo said, slipping intentionally into a southern drawl to relieve some of the awkwardness of the situation. It worked like a charm, as they both started giggling at the funny accent, and continued until the butler came in to announce that the tea was served.
Bo immediately pulled a straight face and thanked him in a very serious tone, drawing further giggles from Lauren. The butler gave both of them a stern look.
"Miss Dennis, I expect you would want to get changed before tea. I shall tell the maid to keep the pot on for a few more minutes then."
"Oh, no need, Robert, thank you. There would be no point to change now, since I'll go back to the attic afterwards. Please lead the way."
"Very well, Miss," he replied stiffly and walked out, while Lauren and Bo followed him with a large grin on their faces, barely able to contain their giggles.
"What are you doing up there, if I may ask?"
"Oh, I'm not even sure. Looking for any old family photobooks, really. Some of my mom's things, maybe. Maybe you've noticed," she added, drawing an arch in the air with her right hand as if she was presenting a precious museum exhibit, "my grandfather doesn't like to keep any photos around the house, so most of them, if not all, are locked up somewhere in that attic. I just have so very few photos of my parents back home… I would like to see them how they were before the War, before…"
Lauren looked at her inquisitively. "Your parents, are they…" but her voice trailed off before completing the sentence.
"Yes," Bo admitted simply. "Thank you, Robert, that will be all," she added once they entered a spacious room with a massive, packed bookshelf on one side and a large window on the other. The pleasant afternoon light flooded the room, giving Lauren a feeling of warm familiarity and intimacy. Bo didn't talk right away. She waited for the butler to leave and then started pouring the tea. Lauren watched her in fascination, how her brows furrowed as she concentrated on not spilling the tea, how her eyes had turned darker than before, as her thoughts probably traveled back to her childhood and her parents. There was an intense battle raging behind those eyes, Lauren thought noticing the strange shadows twirling on Bo's face in the afternoon light, which was emphasizing every facial expression, every muscle moving and twitching under her skin.
"My father went first," Bo started all of a sudden, and seated herself on the sofa next to Lauren, their thighs almost touching. Lauren could feel the heat of Bo's body radiating on her own skin through all the fabric, and swallowed hard. This was getting ridiculous. She kept silent, watching Bo with an encouraging smile on her face.
"It happened during the War," Bo continued, smiling back. "We never got all the details… all we were told was that his unit got ambushed by the enemy, and that they were hit so hard only a couple of them got out alive. Nobody actually saw him… die, so he was declared missing in action." She made a long pause and sighed, trying to hold back her tears. "The body was never recovered, so you know, I'm not even sure he's actually dead, you know. Somewhere, deep down inside, I've been hoping and I still am, I'm still expecting that he's alive, somewhere in France or Italy or who knows, hoping that he's alive and well, and that I'll see him again. Not that I would recognize him, I was only a baby when he got drafted," she smiled bitterly.
"My mother, well, she was the exact opposite. There was no hope left in her heart. It was very hard for her after he was gone. Eventually it was just too much, she couldn't go on. I was about ten when it happened, she just… she just killed herself with a fistful of sleeping pills. I blamed her for a long time, that she would just leave me like that, that she would selfishly decide to take her own life and leave me all alone… but I understood eventually, I forgave her. She loved him with all her heart, with every fiber of her being. How could she go on when her heart was torn apart, how could anyone survive that and go on? I understand that now."
There were tears in her eyes, Lauren noticed, completely heartbroken. "I was the one who found her," Bo added sincerely and innocently. One tear rolled slowly down her cheek as she lowered her head, landing on Lauren's hand, just as she moved to take Bo's hand in hers and offer comfort. She just wanted to give her a tight hug and tell her everything would be all right. But she couldn't find the courage so they just sat there, holding hands in silence for a long while. The tea was already cold.
"Let me help you look," Lauren said eventually, after carefully weighing each possible response and deciding to move forward with the safest option. "In the attic. Please, that is the least I can do." Bo stared at her for a good long minute before nodding slowly, a large smile spreading across her face.
An hour later, exhausted and full of cobwebs and dust after rummaging through all the old boxes and trunks piled up in the attic, they sat down on the floor, looking at the odd collection before them. There were various old toys that belonged to Bo's mother, some that were even older and quite possibly belonged to her grandfather, the honourable Fitzpatrick McCorrigan. Family photos with McCorrigan and Bo's parents. Even a couple with Bo as a baby. Old notebooks with yellow, wrinkled pages, that Bo believed were her mother's journals as a teenager.
Other people's lives piled up in the middle of a dusty attic. Lauren looked at each and every one of those items and felt her heart sink. It was a strange feeling, seeing other people's family like this. It was almost… indecent, like going through someone's lingerie drawer when they leave the room. Not that Lauren would know what that's like. What she knew was that she was growing more uncomfortable with the situation. Bo's family, as dysfunctional and marred by tragedy as it seemed, was nonetheless a family. Bo at least had people of the same blood, family she knew, a past to help her shape her future, while she never… All she ever had to define herself by were a scribbled note, a storybook, and a crazy adoptive sister…
"Have you ever tried to find your mother?" Bo asked all of a sudden, as if she had read Lauren's mind.
"No, what would be the point?" she scoffed. "It is quite clear she did not want me, so I have absolutely no intention of making a fool of myself by showing up on the doorstep of a woman who probably wanted to erase me from existence but did not have the courage to take a more radical step and terminate the pregnancy, or kill me." She sounded incredibly precise in her choice of words, not pausing even once to catch her breath. Her tone was almost… surgical, were it not for a very faint quiver in her voice; so faint you could miss it if you weren't paying attention.
"That sounds a bit… harsh," Bo said eventually. "You can't know that, Lauren. Maybe she was forced to give you up, maybe she did not want to…"
"Maybe she was forced indeed. But where was she all these years? She never came looking for me, not even once have I heard from her or anything about her. She is the one who has to make amends, not me."
Her tone was adamant, leaving no room for discussion or more questions, and Bo didn't press on. She just nodded and smiled, and gave Lauren a gentle pat on the shoulder. They sat there, in silence, for a while, smiling at each other and speaking about every little thing that crossed their mind, no matter how unimportant. They talked about Lauren's medical studies, her professors and colleagues, but her childhood was not mentioned again. They talked about the weather in New York, about the movies and plays Bo was going to on a regular basis, about how she was practically raised by the nanny, Mrs. Zamora, because her uncle was always busy and never really good with kids, although he really loved her.
"Somebody had to look after the family business there after my parents were gone. My poor uncle, he was never much of a businessman, but he tried, he really did his best to keep the business intact and thriving for when I'd come of age."
"So you are the owner now, you're the one in charge?" Lauren was positively impressed.
"Yes. Well, Hale helps me a lot. Our nanny's son. We practically grew up together. He's like the brother I never had, and we always look after each other," Bo explained, a warm, beautiful smile on her face. Lauren knew that kind of relationship very well. Although one-sided at times, given Tamsin's infuriating habit of refusing help, their relationship seemed quite similar to Bo's and Hale's. Smiling back, she started opening up a bit more about Tamsin and the orphanage, about how they'd been together since they were abandoned. She left out all the details about Tamsin's fighting for a living, and was grateful Bo never asked.
A couple of hours later, Lauren finally left, not before promising she'd be back for lunch in two days and then for tea on Saturday, in order to meet Hale and some of Bo's other friends here in London. Before she walked out the door, the American girl gave her a tight hug, possibly holding her close a little longer than social norms would allow it. Not that Lauren cared about social norms in that moment. Eyes closed, she pressed her cheek against Bo's warm skin and breathed in her perfume – even full of dust and dirt, her hair and skin still had a soft, delicious smell of lavender and honey. She eventually let go, a bit reluctantly, bade Bo farewell, and politely refused the girl's offer to have the chauffeur drop her off. She needed to walk, to clear her head.
She knew the signs, she had read enough books and seen enough movies herself to know what was happening to her. As wrong as it was, she was falling in love with the American girl, and falling fast and hard. What was worse was that Bo seemed to return the affection. Surely this was impossible, though? Surely it was just some sort of infatuation with a person who had shown genuine interest in her, and what they had was nothing more than a close friendship?
She really needed to talk to Tamsin. Tamsin would know what needed to be done.
Sorry it took me a while. This is actually half of what this chapter was supposed to be, but it was getting too long so I cut it in two. What do you think, my friends? I feel like I'm finally doing Bo justice and I don't know what took me so long, because I really like her.