So here's the second chapter!
Please enjoy!
"Who's Dean?" he asks and there it is: he doesn't recognize me. He didn't call, he never tried to come home to Sam and me, he came over to me because he thought I was a customer, he said those honey sweet words to get my attention but he doesn't know who I am! That's what felt so damn wrong the whole time. It would have been too great if things were easy for us. "Is he your boyfriend? No… You're not the type who would come here if he had someone waiting for him at home." His dashing smile doesn't falter when he goes on. "A crush then. Unreturned love…" He leans closer to my ear, his hot breath ghosting over my ear, his hands falling onto my shoulders as he slips onto my lap, seemingly without any effort. The move is practiced, he has done this a hundred times. "You could pretend I'm him. I'll even make you forget about him."
My pulse races, my heart beats like a drum. I don't know what to think of this, the man on my lap is definitely Dean, I can see a small part of the handprint I have left on his shoulder peeking out from under his short shirt sleeve, my mark. Suddenly I feel possessive, he's mine, I've dragged him from hell, I've marked him, how dare he sleep with others, how can he sell the body I've built back together for money? He's better than that and he has no right to do this because he belongs to me! But still I cannot find my voice and so I stay silent, just thinking this, not daring to say it loud because I'm not sure what happened to my hunter. A groan comes from deep within his chest and I'm not sure if he's still playing his role or really interested in me, now. Maybe the latter judging by the way his forest green eyes darken as he stares into mine.
"Come on, honey.", his voice drawls, deeper than before. God, he's nearly irresistible. He lightly rocks his hips against mine, his member brushing against mine and I'm barely able to suppress the moan that rises in my throat. Now he knows how much I react to him but I'm mildly surprised that he's hard just like I am. "There aren't such beautiful customers here often."
"Dean?!" I hear Sam's voice behind me and the man on my lap looks up unwillingly.
"Does everyone have a crush on this Dean guy or is it just you two?" He asks mockingly, his eyes darting towards Sam, then back to me. "He can watch us if he wants to but not more!" Dean says. I want you for myself!"
"Cas, is this my brother?" Sam asks me, ignoring the fact that my lap is full of the older Winchester brother who doesn't even bother to get up.
"Yes. Look!" I say and peel his sleeve away from my handprint, so that Sam can see it, too. "But I think he doesn't remember us…"
"Oh… I thought remembering was the reason he's all over you." Sam says dryly and with a witty grin and I freeze. Was it that obvious to Sam when I realized it just today that I have feelings for his brother that go beyond friendship? I blush violently, deep crimson rushing into my cheeks. Of course this catches Dean's attention and he grabs my face in his warm hands.
"Shit, you're the first customer I really want to drag into my private room…" He utters, his fingers brushing over the heat on my cheeks.
"Yes, that's my brother…" Sam says, rolling his eyes while Dean shoots him an angry look and gets up from my legs, grabbing my hands to haul me onto my feet.
"You'll like it, honey." The man says, dragging me towards a back door with his arm around my waist, gesturing for Sam to follow. "You can watch. But unlike him, you'll have to pay, got it?" Sam just nods, following Dean and I don't argue either because it will be easier to talk to him and get him out of here when we are not surrounded by witnesses. Dean leads us towards the back door and through a narrow corridor that is even darker than the lounge we just came from. It is lined with thick curtains and doors, each labeled with a number. We stop in front of the door with number 7 and Dean uses a key to open it quickly, letting Sam and me enter before him, switching on the light as he follows. Everything is red in here: the carpet, the walls, the few furniture and of course the bed with it's unbelievably many cushions on it. It would be cozy if it wasn't for the scent of many other people – customers – lingering in the air around us. At the far side of the room is a window, leading outside onto a fire escape and the curtains are red. Of course!
I stop and stare at the bed, unable to walk another step towards it or even away from it. All I can think about is what Dean has done in here with other men and women and it is more than I can handle at the moment. Suddenly I feel vulnerable and small, I want to get away from here, back to the bunker with the brothers who are standing next to me.
"Do you really not remember who we are?" Sam asks with narrowed eyes and again Dean's green ones fall onto mine and it feels as if he drowns in me.
"I've seen him before." His voice sounds far away and for a moment he seems lost but he regains his composure within seconds. With two steps he's in front of me and – ironically – invading my private space again, his hand brushing over my cheek ever so slightly. "I dreamed of your blue eyes and dark hair. I was laying in your arms, saying that I would miss them. I called you sweetheart." He whispers so low that I barely hear his voice. Again my pulse picks up speed because he described the moment he died in my arms so long ago… How can he know if he doesn't remember anything. "In my dream I wanted to sit up and… and kiss those lips but I wasn't able to move and the dream always ends there." His breath caresses my lips as he says this. Doesn't he see that he makes me nervous? I try to walk a step away from him but the hand on my face holds me firmly in place. "It's no coincidence that you're here, right?" His piercing green eyes bore into mine, searching for an answer but before I can find my voice, Dean brushes his lips over mine so gently, so sweetly, barely touching but instantly I'm shaking all over.
"We're here to take you home." I answer after swallowing down the lump in my throat, blinking when Dean takes a few steps back from me and I immediately miss his warmth.
"I don't have a home. At least not that I can remember." He walks over to a shelf and grabs a card that lies on the highest board. "I just had this when I woke up a few months ago." It's an ID card and he hands it to Sam who looks at it closely, then shows it to me with a sideways looks and raised eyebrows. The name on the ID reads Angus Young and I have to suppress a laugh. This is Dean's favorite fake ID and I guess he had it with him the day he died… "As you see, my name's not Dean but Angus." Now Dean frowns at the ID card when I hand it back to him. "But I went to the address given here… there's nothing but a left warehouse… That's barely a home."
"It's a fake ID... I'm your brother and Cas is your best friend. We thought we have lost you but obviously we were wrong about it." Dean really seems interested in Sam's words. "Will you come with us?" Sam wants to know. A grin breaks out on Dean's face. He's even more beautiful when he smiles like that.
"I've nothing here to stay for. And if I can be with him, it's just fine with me." He says and grabs a leather jacket from a chair that very much resembles the one he wore before he died. "But we should take the backdoor. They don't like us sneaking out of here…" It sounds as if he tried before... I really need to talk to him. I want to know what happened to him. I want to hold him and soothe him and tell him that he's safe but I won't do it as long as he doesn't remember. It would just be wrong. Betrayal even.
"You really want to get out of here, hu?" Sam says but doesn't wait for an answer. The tall man walks over to the window, opens it and looks outside. "That's the backside of the building. Is it safe down there?" He asks and turns back to Dean – who's standing damn close to me – and me, facing us with a worried expression. Then he shrugs. "Let's go. We've faced far worse things than an angry boss." From the way he pats his sides I know he's checking for his guns and his knife. I do the same before I look at Dean's forest green eyes and with a gentle smile he follows me towards the window.
We carefully climb down the fire escape hoping to avoid too much noise and we come down to the parking lot without any incidents. Only when we walk over to our car I hear a grumpy voice behind us.
"Hey, Young! Get your ass back in here! No private fucking!" God, that sounds rude and the voice sounds really angry at the end of his sentence. "Fuck, Young!" Dean looks back with so much panic in his eyes that I cannot believe that he was working at the night club voluntarily. I hate to see him like this, it hurts me more than I would have guessed but at the moment there are more urgent things to think about, I hear quick steps behind us, someone runs after us and we fall into a jog until we reach the Impala, Sam hopping in behind the wheel and Dean and me onto the backseat, closing the door while Sam already drives us towards the exit of the parking lot.
I thought everything was fine now that we're driving away but then I hear the shot and just a split second later the rear window breaks into a thousand pieces. I grab Dean, pressing him down onto the seat, covering him with my body as Sam hits the gas harder. The engine roars and we race around a corner so fast that he nearly loses control over the vintage car but we make it. He makes a few fast turns before he speeds up even more, driving like the devil himself.
"It seems safe, now." Sam says and I look down at Dean whose eyes are wide with shock.
"I didn't know that they would try to kill us..." He said, his breaths coming in short gasps. Obviously he really has no clue of his past life, the old Dean would call this a relaxing day..
"It's okay. They won't find us once we're home." I promise with a – what I hope – encouraging smile. For a few seconds Dean stares at me, his forehead wrinkling as if trying to remember something, but then he just breaks into a grin.
"Where do you live? The bat cave?"
+XxX+
When we arrive at the bunker, Dean is sleeping with his head on my shoulder and from time to time I can see Sam's eyes turn towards me in the rearview mirror. The silence is comfortable and finally I feel whole again. Now we have to get Dean's memory back. It will be hard but worth it. If we really succeed, everything will be back to normal and I hope that this will be the case sooner rather than later.
Sam puts the car into its parking position and kills the engine but he doesn't make a move to get out of the Impala instead he turns in his seat and looks at his brother who is gently snoring away on my shoulder, one of my arms thrown around his back to keep him from falling. "He remembers you, Cas. He wouldn't have come with us so willingly if not..." He says. "I think this is something we can work with."
"Dean remembers the day he died. He remembers his own last words that he said to me…" I cannot stop my free hand from gently gliding through Dean's dirty blonde hair, Sam following the movement with his eyes.
"We have to find out what happened after he died." Sam suggests. I nod. „But it will have to wait until tomorrow. Wake him up to get him settled in his room. He can sleep now, but we will have to talk to him tomorrow." With this, Sam leaves the car and already heads into the bunker, taking his bag and mine with him and I turn towards the man next to me to wake him up.
"Dean. We are home, wake up." I whisper and he stirs, his eyes fluttering open and once he sees me, he breaks into one of those stunning smiles that always make my knees shaky.
"Hey sweetheart." He greets me. "I dreamed of you, again." With these words he leans in and kisses me again, this time a little bit more daring, his sweet, warm tongue darting out to taste my lips, making me whimper but he pulls back before I can react because I'm too stunned. This isn't Dean. Not really. This man only remembers me from a dream, not from his past life. We have lived through so much together, we have both done bad things and hurt the other and I don't know what he will think of all this, once he regains his memory. God, I don't even know what he will think of all the things he said to me today. And did. I loved it, but Dean – MY Dean – would never have been so daring, so openly confessing that he wants me… He confuses me so much.
"We should go inside." I say, his smile never faltering.
"Or we can stay in this lovely car and I'll show you what you have missed earlier." He suggests with a wink and I have to swallow hard.
"You don't remember me, Dean. You don't even know who YOU are… You wouldn't want this if you knew everything about us." Is my answer to him and he looks puzzled.
"But I want it. And I think you want it, too. You would shove me away if this wasn't okay with you. There was something between you and Dean, right? Or didn't he realize that he wants you?" I really don't know. I guess Dean realized it when it was already too late and I don't see any reason to hold that information back from the man in front of me.
"You said you dreamed of me… It was his – your last words that you said to me." I explain and his eyes grow larger.
"I died?" He croaked, then broke out into a fit of laughter. "So you're really mistaking me for that Dean, right? I'm just a homeless whore and you have the wrong guy."
"No, I'm sure that you are him." I say and place my hand above the place where I know that the handprint is on his arm. His eyes widen and he gasps at my touch. "This handprint is mine. It happened when I…helped you once." I shouldn't tell him that he had been in hell, he wouldn't believe it anyway. "And you look like him. I know you inside out, I know you longer than you might think and you are Dean Winchester. But you forgot."
"No, I didn't just forget. You told me I fuckin' died."
"You will understand. For now you just have to believe me. You died in my arms, I saw the life fade from your eyes but you're here again. It's not the first time I see something like this and Sam has seen it, too. We will explain tomorrow. Now you just need some rest, Dean. Come." I say and open the door of the car before he can say another word. I'm not sure why I try to escape this conversation so hastily but I don't stand to sit in the backseat with him any longer. It is too hot in there and he is too close…
He doesn't argue and follows me to the entrance of the bunker, looking at the thick steel door and the stairs that lead down into our home.
"This really IS a bat cave!" He says and whistles lowly as he follows me down and through the corridors towards his room.
"Actually you called it bat cave…" I say and cannot help but laugh at that. Maybe this is the reason why he looks at me like this, maybe a subconscious part of him remembers that I rarely smiled. Or maybe it is just my imagination… We walk the rest of the way to his room in silence and when I open the door he steps inside curiously. Neither Sam nor me have had the guts to change anything in here, everything remained the same as on the day Dean got up in here for the last time and left the room. Sometimes I just came here to stand in the middle of the room to just breathe in his scent but it tortured me so much that I stopped someday. I look over at Dean. He walks around and looks closer at some things, probably noticing the thin layer of dust on the furniture but he doesn't mention it.
"How long was I… dead?" He asks and grabs the journal from his desk. It was always lying there and sometimes I was tempted to take it and have a look at Dean's neat handwriting but then it always seemed too private and I didn't dare. He opens it and reads a few lines, his brow furrowing slightly.
"More than a year." I answer but Dean is distracted by something he reads.
"'We were on a hunt in Oregon.'" He reads out loud and for a few seconds his eyes look at mine, before he goes back to reading. "'It was just a small vampire coven, easy targets. I noticed that Cas already established an efficient routine. He will be a great support for Sam and me.'" He stops and puts the journal back onto the desk, looking at it as if it has jut burned his fingers. "Hunt? Vampires? I was suffering from a mental disorder?" His voice shakes as he says this, he seems to be considering if coming here was the right decision.
"No." I answer honestly and he takes a step back from me towards the bed. "I told you that Sam and me have seen a lot of strange things. You, too. The supernatural doesn't just exist in our imagination. It's real and there are some very bad things walking this earth. You and your brother are hunters, killing the evil things to protect people."
"You mean vampires are real?"
"Not only vampires. Werewolves, ghosts, demons. Angels even." I sigh and look into his eyes, trying to get his reaction when I go on: "I've been an angel when we met. But I fell… We've been through so much together, Dean, we've hunted together, killed together… we nearly killed each others once but we made it through and in the end, when I became human, you took me in as if I was your brother."
"You're a nut case, too?" He's joking but I can see that he tends to believe what I tell him. "Is it true?" I nod and he sits down on the edge of his bed, looking at the things scattered around the room: the knives on the sideboard, the books about occultism next to them, a bag of salt on his bedside table… "Fuck, I don't even know who I am and you tell me about monsters. And angels. Does it mean there's a God above?" Not my favorite question. I sit down next to him, resting my hands on my knees.
"I haven't met him." I say vaguely and for now it seems to be enough. Dean nods and falls back onto the back, one arm draped over his eyes while he yawns widely.
"I think I'll have to get some more sleep. Right now it all seems a bit strange." He says and I nod, getting up, understanding that he needs some time alone.
"My room is opposite from yours. If you have trouble sleeping or if you need anything, you can always come over, right?" A genuine smile from him follows my words and I tell him good night and leave. It will be hard to get his memory back and for now, I don't really know where to start.
+XxX+
Sleep won't come tonight because my head is full of thoughts, all of them revolving around Dean. It seems as if he believed me for now but most of the time I strain to hear if there's a noise outside because I fear that he wants to leave tonight. If we lose him again it will be harder to find him, he will make sure that we won't find him, because he still is Dean. Whenever I'm close to falling asleep I think I hear something but then it's silent again. So this is mostly overreacting and when I finally fall asleep I hear another noise and I hold my breath to see if it is Dean, trying to run from us. It is silent footsteps, but it sounds like naked feet on the floor and only seconds later my door opens and some light from the corridor falls onto the wall next to my bed. I don't dare to say anything, I just wait with my hand under my pillow, my fingers closed around the angel blade that I still have here with me, ready to strike if this is some intruder. In the dim light in my room I can see Dean standing in front of my bed, staring at my motionless form. He must think that I'm still asleep because he doesn't say a word. But I can hear his ragged breathing, he seems distressed, unsure of what to do next.
After a minute of staring at me, he kneels on my mattress by my feet and carefully crawls closer to me, higher still until he can sit on my hips, cradling me with his weight while he gently peels away my blanket, so slow that I barely notice any movement at all. I still pretend to be asleep and once the blanket slips from my neck, I close my eyes, waiting and maybe just a little bit too curious what he's about to do next. He must hear my thundering heart, it beats so loud that the blood pounds in my ears. This is new to me, We've never been so damn intimate but I like it and I hate that it isn't my Dean.
Once the blanket is off my body and my chest and part of my stomach are revealed, Dean stops and I feel him shift above me, hear the soft rustling of some other cloth. I notice that it was his shirt he just shed when he shifts again and lies down on top of me, pressing his naked chest against mine and I cannot help it, I open my legs slightly, so that he can rest between them more comfortably. I open my eyes, staring into his hungry green ones.
"Please don't run from me, sweetheart." He whispers. His voice is desperate, forlorn. This is so wrong! I guess Dean can see that I'm about to argue and before I can say a word, he seals my lips with his, sensually moving against mine, making me gasp. He uses the opportunity to slip his tongue between my lips, licking his way into my mouth, deepening the kiss and making me mad at the same time. My arms come up but I hesitate to put them around his shoulders, they just hang in the air while Dean tries to suck my soul out through my mouth.
In the end I decide to place my hands on my shoulders to push him away, regretting the action even while doing it. "I can't, Dean." I whisper, barely able to speak.
"But you want." He states the obvious and lets his hips roll against mine deliciously slow. Yes, I want him but I cannot do this to Dean, my Dean. I stare at him while he waits for my answer, not forcing me to make the last step, just waiting. I can see the hope in his eyes, his longing and it is close to killing me.
"Dean... your real self wouldn't want this." I'm a little bit proud that I'm able to form a coherent sentence in such a situation. My hand wanders from his shoulder to his cheek, I look up into his eyes, silently pleading for him to let me go, to stop this before it is too late. I guess he can see how close I am to breaking, how close we are to sleep together but he sits up and lets his hands glide down over my chest to my stomach in the process.
"Okay. But can I stay here? Please?" I nod, unable to deny him his wish and without further arguing he lies down next to me, carefully reaching out a hand to brush some strands from my forehead. "When I sleep, all I see is your face and it drives me mad. It seems like a wonder to me that you found me in that club. My whole body was at full attention when I saw you, I was so close to just drag you into a private corner to screw your brains out but something held me back." His thumb still caresses my cheek and I lean into his touch. "This dream is like the moment shortly before you remember something of great importance. It feels as if I will remember within a second but then I always wake up and all I can think of is you. It was important to leave this place with you."
This confession makes me feel fuzzy inside and I wonder if it means something that Dean remembers me of all the people he met in his life. Me rather than his brother, his own flesh and blood... It seems a bit unfair but Sam doesn't mind it, I guess, he's just glad that Dean is back.
"Whoever I was before I died and forgot everything, I think you were the most precious thing in my life. And the way you care and let me come close to you... Were we more than just friends?" The question doesn't catch me off guard, however I give it some thought.
"I really don't know." I answer, letting my hand rest on his one that gently lingers on my face. I like him touching me. "I met you when I was an angel. And I did some seriously bad things. But Dean – you – always forgave me. When I fell you were the one who cared for me and the wounds on my back where my wings used to be." Dean looks at me with awe on his handsome features. "You placed a kiss onto the back of my neck once. It was the night I lost my wings and this small gesture made me live through it all. I'm not even sure if you were aware what you were doing."
"Oh, I think I was... The old Dean was just a little bit shy, right?" This makes me laugh and Dean uses the opportunity to edge closer to me.
"You were famous with the ladies." I say. "But you stopped visiting bars and bringing girls home after I fell and stayed. Maybe because of me, I can't say."
"You deserve someone who cares only for you." A chaste kiss to my lips before he closes his eyes. We lie in silence for a while and I think Dean has already fallen asleep but then he speaks again: "I wish I could see them."
"What?"
"Your wings. They must have been beautiful."
+XxX+
When I wake up in the morning, Dean's warm body is still lying next to me, so close that I can feel the breath on my face. For a while I just stare at him, contemplating what this all means but I don't find an answer. Maybe this version of Dean is just acting more openly towards me. What if Dean wanted me the whole time. I mean, he kissed me once, a slight touch of his lips to my neck and his last words were oh so sweet but I'm not sure… was he really seeing me as more than a friend? And why is the man laying next to me so eager to sleep with me? This is getting really confusing, if he goes on like this I will give in, I'm not strong enough to resist him any longer, I'm just a man and damn, Dean is tempting. And then what? When he gets his memory back and hates what we were doing? My head begins to hurt at this and I get up before I can think into this any further, I need a coffee and distraction. Hopefully Sam is already awake so that we can do some research.
There's already some freshly brewed coffee in the kitchen, that means that Sam is already up. So I grab my own cup and walk towards the library, knowing that I will find him there and I'm not mistaken: he sits in front of his laptop as expected, some books surrounding the keyboard and a steaming cup of coffee sitting in this mess.
"Good morning." I greet him and shuffle over to sit down opposite him, grabbing the book closest to me to see what he is looking into. Some lore about vampires.
"Mornin', Cas." He says and looks from the book on his lap to the laptop, then back down again.
"I thought you would do some research on that night club, not vampires?" I ask, a little bit puzzled. „Are you looking for a new case?"
"No. This actually is research on this damn night club." Sam says through gritted teeth. "I think they're vampires, recruiting clueless men and women to work with them and after some time – when they're sure that they're loyal – they turn them into vampires as well. Their coven grows fast. And I think they do this to customers who visit frequently, too…" He looks into the book on his lap again, frowning. "I found that this wasn't unusual back in the old days. But I have never heard of modern vampires using this technique." My heart stops in my chest and I try to remember Dean's neck. I haven't seen any bite marks. And I was really close to his neck in the club and last night.
"They haven't bitten Dean yet, right?" I ask, my voice giving away my feeling of alarm.
"I don't think so. Maybe he hasn't proven as loyal yet?" I couldn't think of a person more loyal than Dean but then again he's not the same as before. And even if he was, it takes a lot of time to gain his friendship and loyalty. I nod, but I'm not convinced. I will have to check his neck later. "But nothing I found on the internet or in the books explains why Dean is back alive… Vampires can't do this, if someone is dead, they can't resurrect him. Biting a corpse kills a vampire within seconds." Sam shakes his head, making his long hair sway with the motion. "It must have been some other creature or phenomenon that brought him back. We will have to look into this vampire case at first, maybe we can find some information at the club or from one of their coven… I don't know where else to start." With a frustrated gesture he pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Where's Dean? Maybe he can help when he tells us what happened to him…"
"In my room, still sleeping." I reply without thinking about my answer and only realize what I have said when Sam looks up with his eyebrows raised higher than the Empire State Building… I gulp and try to hide behind my cup, sipping the coffee but I can feel him nail me down with his eyes.
"If I remember right, Dean has his own room." The smirk in his voice nearly kills me. "So… did you two…?"
"No!" I nearly yell at him, then look back into my cup of coffee. "He came over last night, he couldn't sleep and so I told him to stay and he did. Obviously it helped him." It is not really a lie, but it isn't the whole truth either.
"Everybody with eyes in their head could see that Dean has always been madly in love with you." My heart skips a beat at Sam's words. I know but I never dared to confess the truth to myself. "And damn if you didn't eye-fuck him as well. Even Bobby noticed and Ellen and Jo… We all saw it but you two were so damn blind or dumb, I don't know and then he died. The way you grieved said it all. When Dean once thought you were dead he was the same, keeping your trench coat, sleeping with it as a pillow, only able to close his eyes when your scent soothed him… Do you think I never noticed? It was almost sickening to see you two together and yet not." He throws his hands up exasperatedly. "And now that he's actually chasing you I thought you finally gave in, okay? It would make sense." My cheeks must be as red as a tomato by now and I don't really dare to look up into Sam's eyes.
"It wouldn't make sense because he doesn't remember anything. Dean doesn't know who he is or who I am. Yesterday he read about the supernatural in his own journal and I thought he would leave because this sounds so strange… He isn't himself and I… it just wouldn't feel right." I don't deny that I reciprocate the feelings Sam just described to have found in his brother before.
"We will get him back, Cas, okay?" Sam says with so much compassion in his voice that I finally look up to meet his eyes. "Everything will be fine. Finally." We both don't say anything else and eventually Sam goes back to his research and I pretend to read through the book I grabbed earlier while my thoughts wander off once again.
"Good morning." Dean's voice says behind us and Sam and I both turn around to greet him. Without hesitation the older brother comes over to me and pulls the chair next to me even closer to sit down with our legs touching under the table. Sam notices, but doesn't say a word, he just looks at me with this damn I-have-told-you-so-bitchface that really pisses me off sometimes but I have no time to be angry because Dean kind of snuggles into my side while looking at Sam completely innocent and looks at me from under his long lashes with a slight smile.
"Do you mind telling us how you happened to work in that night club?" Sam asks his brother and Dean straightens a bit but doesn't lose contact to me, making sure we're connected in some way. I don't mind it, really. I just hope I don't get used to him treating me like this because it would hurt if he stopped someday when he regains his memory.
"I don't remember much of my life. You call me Dean, so that part is missing…" He says with a crooked grin. Sam nods, urging him to go on. "The first thing I remember is that I woke up in a small alley in Perkins. I don't even know how I got there or why I was there and when I got up it felt as if my whole body was made from jelly, like I was just born and had never used my legs before. I know it sounds strange but that's how it is." He stops for a few seconds, kind of hesitating before he goes on. "I had no money and I stole some things from the shop of a gas station to have at least something to eat. And one night when I was roaming the streets a man offered me money if I…" He looks at me with remorseful eyes. "You get it."
I'm not even aware that my hands slides over to his back, soothingly resting between his shoulder blades to give him the strength to go on. "It worked well that way. So I tried to sold myself on the streets to have some money whenever I was close to running out of food and it helped me for a while. Until Marius found me one night, telling me that it would be safer in a night club, he offered to show me around and I was convinced. Everything was better than sleeping on the streets, waiting for someone to kill me… I – I never felt good through all of this, but I was left no choice. Marius offered me to sleep in the room I worked in at nights and I got some fix money. He said someday he would let me join his family. I never knew what it really meant, I was just glad for the warmth of the covers and the food I got." His voice gets smaller with every word he says. "And then I saw the man I dreamed of and something within me screamed and made me go over. I knew you were important and you are. You took me away from that place." I remember what he told me last night. He doesn't repeat it in front of Sam and I guess it isn't important but it still warms my insides.
"Who's Marius?" Sam wants to know though I think he can very well guess.
"He owns the club and organizes everything. He chooses the waiters and… people like me." This is the moment I remember what Sam told me about the night club and I try to get a good look at Dean's neck, trying to find bite marks or something like this but from my position I can only see one side of him and don't find anything there. Always the perceptive man he is, Dean notices my stares and turns his head to watch me, his face so close now, that I can feel his breath on my lips – again!
"You like what you see?" He asks with this teasing undertone in his voice and damn him for doing this so shamelessly in front of his brother – who already noticed even before I did.
"We think that the night club is run by a coven of vampires. Cas told me that you already know that the supernatural is real?" Sam says but Dean's eyes never leave mine, silently challenging me.
"Yes, I found Dean's – my journal and read about vampires. So you believe it, too?" Dean asks and finally turns away from me to look at his brother who nods.
"We're hunters, we kill creatures like vampires. We've seen a lot of shit in our lives but what happened to you is by far one of the strangest thing I ever saw." I can only agree. Dean's eyes turn back to me.
"And you think… that a vampire bit me?" Shock is written all over his beautiful features and I have to hold myself back from not grabbing him and comfort him in my arms.
"We just want to be sure." Sam reassures him while I stand up and walk around Dean to have a closer look at his perfect, bronze skin. I cannot find any wounds on his neck or wrists, which is a good sign, because the first bite is usually placed on the pulse point of a person's neck and doesn't vanish in a very long time. When I place my hand on his shoulder, Dean looks up into my eyes, his voice trembling when he speaks.
"So?" He asks me.
"Nothing." I say and look over at the younger Winchester brother.
"Great! At least some good news." He says and straightens on his chair. "But we still need to find out who brought you back from the dead, maybe it will help us to bring back your memory."
"What if I won't remember?" He wants to know and I guess this questions is addressed to me.
"Don't worry, everything will be fine in the end." Sam says and the way he sounds so sure I want to believe him. Dean' eyes come back to mine but I don't find the same confidence in there. Just the slight fear that I will never give in to his advances and it surprises me to no end that this is his only worry about his situation. Dear God, please help me to resist him.
+XxX+
Sam has found out that Marius' coven resides in Perkins but not near the night club but at the other end of the town. So after another night with Dean sleeping next to me, we make our way back to the place we found the older Winchester brother and just like Dean I don't like the idea of being too close to the vampires again. But we have no choices left, Dean still doesn't remember anything but my face from his dream and the closer he comes to me, the more I want my old hunter back, just to make sure that I don't do anything against his wishes. The current Dean obviously knows what he wants but I'm not sure if my old friend would like it. It just wouldn't feel right.
So we investigate together, finding us a nice motel room as base for our operations. "Won't the vampires find us here? Maybe they can track me down like, I don't know, hounds? Can they smell me or something?" Dean asks when he lets his bag fall onto the bed next to mine. Of course he will sleep in my bed, no matter how hard I try to keep him off of me, he still comes closer and I know that someday my control will shatter. At least this will not be the case when Sam is sleeping in the bed next to us!
"They are vampires, Dean, not werewolves." I say, making Dean tilt his head a little while he processes what I just told him.
"I should have brought my journal." He mutters and walks over to the small fridge to grab a beer. "Then I wouldn't ask such stupid questions." He sounds frustrated and Sam and I share a glance when he empties half of the bottle.
"It's okay, Dean. They're not stupid questions if you don't know anything about these creatures." Sam said.
"S' not only that." Dean spat and again his eyes drifted towards me but he lowers them before I'm able to catch his gaze. "I feel like there's something to remember, every now and then it feels as if I'm close to breaking through that barrier but it doesn't work. I don't know how I can change this and as long as I'm like this I'm useless to you, because these creatures are dangerous and might kill me if I don't know enough about them. And I can't lean all this shit within one night!" He tries to stare Sam down but then he turns away to drink from his beer again, walking around our room like a lion in a cage.
"We will solve this and help you, Dean." I say and he turns on his heels to pin me to the wall with his eyes. He opens his mouth to say something, closes it again and repeats this a few times.
"What have I gotten myself into…?" He asks, grabs another bottle of beer from the fridge and heads for the door, leaving Sam and me standing here to stare after him. When I make a move towards the door, Sam lets a hand fall onto my shoulder.
"He needs some time for himself." Sam says and makes his way over to grab a beer as well. "Being close to you makes him edgy. More than before, I mean…" he adds with a smirk and I just nod and sink onto my bed, feeling restless, empty and helpless… There's nothing I can do to help Dean at the moment and we have to wait until we found out something about the vampires but it kind of tortures me to know that Dean doesn't feel good with this whole situation. I have triggered something in him, he's about to remember but something holds him back. Slowly I realize that I want him to remember badly as well because then I will know what he feels for me and it won't feel strange any longer when he kisses me. All these emotions kill me, I have to let go sometime soon. It's moments like these when I feel that being human isn't just a walk in the park, everything was easier when I was an angel.
When it gets dark, Sam and I are ready to depart, to search for the vampires but Dean is still somewhere outside, doing God knows what. His younger brother sends me out to get him, most likely because I'm the only person Dean trusts right now. So I head out of our room and down the stairs, hoping that Dean isn't too far away but I find him on a bench at the far end of the parking lot, two empty bottles of beer next to him, his hands folded in his lap while he looks at the cars that pass by on the streets. I take a moment to look at him, taking in his beautiful profile. After a few minutes he catches me staring and I walk over to sit down next to him when he makes room for me.
"It's so strange, sweetheart." He says and I shiver slightly as he uses the nickname so naturally. His eyes still follow the cars that pass us by as if he is still far away. "I know you from somewhere. You're the first person in this world I recognize, but still my memories don't come back. I want to know who I am."
"Why do you want to know?" I ask, not really knowing where this questions comes from but at least it makes Dean look my way, searching my eyes for an answer.
"Because you want it…"
"Don't you want it, too?"
"I'm not sure… You don't think that I would still want you when I get my memories back and I don't think that this longing for you will ever fade." His green eyes are honest. Maybe this Dean has given up denying what the other always did and part of me likes him this way. "What if I'm too proud, or stubborn? Am I homophobic?" I have to grin at his comment.
"I don't think so. But… you had to pretend that you are strong since you were a child. You cared for Sammy from the day your mother died and you never had someone to lay your sorrows on. You never dared to admit that you were lost or that you needed help or just someone to talk to because no one was supposed to know that Dean Winchester could falter from time to time." His breath hitches in his throat. "And I think that admitting that you have a thing for a male angel was way out of your comfort zone, though you always took what I had to give more than eagerly and I know that our friendship was precious to you. Maybe you were afraid that I could die like so many other friends in your life. Or you thought that you would scare me away. Seriously, Dean, I don't know your reasons but I know that you always just wanted the best for everyone and that most of the time you forgot that you sometimes should be a little bit selfish, too."
"So I was too good for this world?" Dean gives a dry laugh that I'm not able to share.
"You hid it well but Sam and I were always able to see right through you. You are not perfect but you tried. And your soul..." I stop myself from saying too much, I'm not sure if he wants to hear about it.
"What about it?"
"I already told you that I was an angel when I first met you and as an angel I was able to see the soul of men. Yours glowed like a beacon, even in the place where I found you..." Awe is written all over my hunter's wonderful face.
"You said you rescued me, when we first met. From what?" He sees my hesitation and leans a bit closer to me. "Come on, sweetheart. I wanna know about the first time we met." With a sigh I nod, deciding that honesty is the best way to approach him.
"You already learned that the supernatural exists. I was an angel, I have seen Heaven. But the other side is real as well. Demons. Hell." A gasp escapes him when he realizes what I'm about to say. "You once went to hell to save your brother from dying. But the archangels had different plans for you, they needed you and looked for someone who was brave enough to risk his life to save the Righteous Man from perdition. I volunteered. Not because I was brave but I have seen your soul before and I wanted to be the one to build you back together. I guess that was the beginning of my falling: pride." His green eyes search mine, he tries to see if I tell the truth or not but I guess he would stop me if he thought this was a strange lie.
"So I went to hell and gathered you soul in my arms to bring it out of the pit and back to earth. I re-built your body, I put your soul back together and breathed life back into you. You forgot about all that and the first thing you can remember is stabbing me in the barn behind your uncle Bobby's house..." I place my hand where I know my handprint is burned into his skin. "The hand on your shoulder is mine. My true form burnt your skin but you never wanted me to heal that scar, though I could have done it within the blink of an eye." Dean brings his hand up to rest over mine.
"I thought it was some strange tattoo." His voice is distant, he is thinking this all over, I can read his face like an open book. "You branded me?" Is his next question and he grins cheekily. I love that smile, it makes him so young and innocent. "And I chose to leave it that way?" I nod at his words.
"And you said the old Dean wasn't in love with you..." Why keeps everyone saying that? We were never more than friends, good friends, close even but never more. I'm so damn confused since we found him, his honest and open words make my head spin, he is so different but still the same. I stand up from the bench, abruptly stopping our conversation.
"Sam and I are ready to search for the vampires. Do you want to come with us?"
"I don't even know how to defend myself." Dean mumbles and gets up as well, following me to our motel room.
"Stake right through the heart?" He adds with a wink to which I shook my head.
"Chopping off their head is easier and more effective." I watch his face screw up in disgust, noticing that he looks cute this way. Oh no. Inwardly I groan at my own thoughts. I know that I won't stand this situation much longer. I've held myself back for such a long time, I've lived through the time after Dean's death, missing him so much that words cannot describe the feeling and now he's back, he wants me but he doesn't really know who I am. It's all so wrong and unfair. The only way to stop him from chasing me is walking away from him and I won't let him out of my sight again, never! If something happens to him, it would definitely kill me this time.
TBC
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