I swear on the first copy of the Bible that Reverend Mother is the only person who can get through to me. She can terrify me and comfort me all at once. I finally talked to her this afternoon. With all my assertiveness and all my honesty, I'm still scared of my own shadow sometimes. I wondered if she could see the sweat pour off my brow as we first talked. I felt so dirty confessing to her my feelings for the captain and for feeling like I was betraying the Lord I had sworn to live my life for. She shocked me with her understanding and compassion towards me. I really was not expecting her to be so kind with me over this. Yet, in her true fashion, she made it clear that I was not to be babied. Reverend Mother will always deliver her advice in a way that someone would feel like they were being kissed and slapped at the same time.

I knew what I had to do after our talk: I had to go back to the captain and the children. It was something I knew would have to be done but I suppose I just needed the extra strength from Reverend Mother. With her blessing, I felt free to go. I packed up my belongings, dried my tears, and headed out of the Abbey for what I know for now to be the last time. When I hopped on the bus, I knew what I was going to see this time and that was a big group of children I've come to love with all my heart. I also knew I was going back to their father whose love would be unrequited, but that's okay. It's all right to feel the way I feel and the only feeling I have is love. Hate has done a lot worse for a lot of people.

Love is the only way to describe the feeling I had when the children and I saw each other for the first time since my departure. Louisa was the first to hug me and she was holding on to me like she never wanted to let me go.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here now, it's okay," I think to myself.

Then Louisa was followed by the rest of them. I learned about all the things that had gone on since I've been away. Gretl's poor finger, Liesel's poor heart, and poor Brigitta's bitter-hearted announcement of her father's upcoming wedding to Baroness Schrader. As much as I was anticipating this news to come, it felt like a slap in the face. Brigitta baby, I feel what you're feeling and I hope you don't know it.

That was when he came out on the lawn. I don't even know which one of the children announced my arrival back. All I could do was stare at him. I noticed he smiled when he looked at me and that says a lot coming from him.

"You left without saying goodbye," he said to me after sending the children off to dinner.

"Yes, it was wrong forgive me," was all I had to say. Tremendous guilt fell on me as I sincerly said those words. I tried so hard to keep my dignity when he asked me why and of course I couldn't tell him why. I like to think I only half-lied when I told him the reason no longer existed. Then having to be kind to Baroness Schrader was diffucult but I could sense that it must have been diffucult for her to be kind to me. I could tell she was not happy to see me and I couldn't blame her. I awkwardly started to run as soon as I thought I could.

"You are back to stay?"

I stop and turn around to stare. A feeling of both joy and fear jolted me like a punch to the stomach.

"Only until arrangements can be made for another governess," I said as I turned back around and walked away. What in the world did I just say? What was I going to do now?