Chapter 6: Decisions

On my way back to my room, I decided that I should probably swing back by the library, to see if the mysterious author of the VAMPIRES AMONG US! website had written me back. I sat down in the carrel, opened my email, and immediately saw three messages from Renee of escalating intensity as to whether I was going to go to Florida for winter break. To forestall any additional craziness on her part, I took a moment to write back a quick response:

Mom,

I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner - I had a big paper due that was taking up all my time. I have been invited on a ski trip for the winter break by some of my new friends, and so I was thinking of staying up here for most of break. I also already promised Charlie that I would come back to Forks, too - I dont want him to spend Christmas alone. Maybe we can work something out for the summer?

I love you,

Bella

I hated lying to Renee, but at least it was easier to do over email. Navigating the tricky web of family and friends who would notice the difference in me was mentally exhausting. I knew they would all be gone within decades, though, and I was in no hurry to lose them, so I wasn't complaining.

I looked at the next email. Jackpot. Apparently this guy had nothing better to do than write back random college students, as the email was dated only 45 minutes after I had sent my initial message. This should be interesting ... I thought, and opened the email.

Dear Isabella,

I am very excited to learn of your interest in the Volturi vampires, since most people do not seem to grasp their importance and implications of their existence (or even believe in them, if you can wrap your head around that!). The more literature and information that is out there that takes them seriously, the better. For that reason, I would be happy to share some of my source material with you - but it is not stuff that can be transmitted electronically, nor do I wish to endanger the very sensitive nature of my sources. I'm sure that I don't need to tell you, but I have to be very diligent about minimizing the Volturi's awareness of my existence, as they are not happy about it.

If you are still interested, though, I would be willing to meet you in person, at a location that I specify. For obvious reasons, this cannot be at my home, as I must remain in even deeper shadows than the Volturi, if I am to stay alive. However, I will make this location not far from Dartmouth, so you shouldn't have to do an excessive amount of traveling. I'm sorry that I cannot be more accommodating, but my life, and my work, are on the line. I also feel compelled to warn you that by addressing this topic, even in a college paper, you may be putting yourself in danger. Although the Volturi are based in Italy, they have spies everywhere.

Please send me a message back if you still would like to meet, and I can give you instructions to follow. Bring a notebook with you, since I also cannot let any of the materials out of my possession, so you'll have to make all your notes when we meet.

Please delete this email after you read it.

E.

Ah, cue the X-Files music ... or should that be Inspector Gadget? I stared at the screen thoughtfully, wondering if getting potentially useful information about the Volturi was worth meeting this guy in person, and possibly putting my own identity at risk. It's not like you don't have the resources to get rid of him if he does discover you, part of me thought, although that idea was instantly repulsive. I knew that I should probably leave well-enough alone, and just move forward with my plans to secure a study-abroad opportunity in Volterra, but I hated the idea of walking in blind, so to speak, into the one group of creatures that could very easily end my existence. I decided that If this mysterious "E" turned out to be a problem, I could probably just blackmail him into silence. I can at least go to the meeting spot, and if anything seems off, I don't have to approach him, I reasoned with myself.

Time to roll the dice. My mind made up, I sent a quick email back, indicating my continued interest in meeting with him.

Since I was already online, I figured it was a good moment to try and research the study-abroad opportunity in Volterra on the Art History Department's webpage. I quickly clicked through the Dartmouth site to find it, and, sure enough, on the department's page there was a link about travel abroad. There was just one paragraph on the page specifically about the Volterra opportunity, basically restating everything the museum docent had told me. One line mentioned letting students that were interested in joining the department make use of this opportunity, even if by the school's determination they were not officially in the department yet. That was all I needed to see. Tomorrow, I would go to the Art History Department secretary and get things moving. I wondered if it would be possible for me to go as early as this school year. I wasn't anxious to meet my doom, but I had an underlying hope that meeting the Volturi would help me figure out my place in this new world. Carlisle had found it worthwhile to stay with them for a few decades, so surely a visit of a few months would be justified - even prudent.

...

A week later, I was in my room hiding from the afternoon sun, reflecting on all that had happened. Although it was almost over, October had turned into a productive month.

I had successfully convinced the Art History Department to award me a travel-abroad opportunity - and for the Winter Quarter, at that. Although I did my best to "dazzle" the professor I spoke with (which felt even more awkward than flirting with Jacob at the bonfire on First Beach), I think their willingness was more due to the fact that the person who was scheduled to go in the winter had to drop out at the last minute. As a freshman, I had plenty of flexibility in my schedule, and, always concerned about their enrollment, the Art History department was also happy to scoop up a new recruit. So, I was set - I would depart for Florence at the beginning of January.

Which made my impending meeting with "E" all the more important. True to form, he had written me back almost immediately, and I was going to meet him at yet-to-be-disclosed location on Sunday, four days from now. He said he would email me directions promptly at 9am, and then wait for me at that spot until 10am, after which time he would "disappear back into the shadows," or some such overly dramatic nonsense, if I had failed to show up. I wasn't comfortable about the whole arrangement, but I kept reminding myself that no matter what happened, I was the one with the upper hand. Evidently, I still had those instinctual personal safety-based reactions based on being a single, young, vulnerable girl ... not on being an immortal, virtually indestructible vampire.

I experienced a brief ripple of pain as I remembered Edward's demonstration of the power of his nature versus my own, when I was still a frail human girl. As if you could outrun me ... as if you could fight me off ... Apparently I had not inherited his flair for the dramatic when I was changed, though, as the memory, painful for other reasons, always made me roll my eyes. Still, it might not be a bad idea to let someone know what I'm doing, just in case. I decided, as a concession to my still safety-obsessed subconscious, that I would tell Jake about it. Then, he would laugh and tell me how ridiculous I was to be worried (much in the way that he did whenever I expressed concern over HIS safety), and everything would be good.

That night, I made the call.

"BELLLLLAAAA!" came the exuberant reply, echoed immediately by two other voices in the background, after I said my initial hello.

"Jeez, Jake, I haven't been gone THAT long. And, uh, hi to Embry and Quil, too."

"Yeah, well, still, it's a nice change to talk to you instead of having to listen to Embry and Quil's constant whining." I laughed as I heard a muffled "Hey!" and the thump of something heavy hitting something - or someone - in the background. "Come on guys, can't you give me the illusion of privacy?" I heard Jacob yell back into the room. Then laughter and a door slammed.

"I can see I haven't missed much."

"Nah, everything's about the same. Billy's legs have been hurting him more, so I've been patrolling a little less, but that's about it."

"Any sign of Victoria?"

"Not yet, but I'm waiting for it."

"I hope she shows up again before I come home, " I mused.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," Jacob laughed tightly, "I have a feeling she's not too far, and we've been pulling back a little in our patrolling, trying to lure her in. And if for some reason she doesn't, we'll go and find her." I could hear his grim smile.

I paused for a moment, wondering how to best transition into my next topic. All of a sudden, the idea of telling Jacob that I was going to meet some conspiracy-theorist nutcase in the woods, so that I could go hang out with some powerful vampires, didn't seem like a good idea. "So, Jake, uh, before I say why I called, promise me you'll keep an open mind."

The other end of the phone got very quiet. "Um, ok." Jacob evenly responded.

I wasn't fooled. "No, really, just let me finish before you start yelling. I am planning on taking a quarter abroad in Italy, starting in January -"

"Wait, what? You're leaving the country? Is that really a good idea? -" he sputtered.

"Jake." I waited for him to stop. "I know you don't know a lot about vampires outside of the Cullens, and whatever bedtime stories you've heard, but as a whole we aren't a totally lawless group. There's a really old group of vamps in Italy who have been policing the rest of us for a very long time."

"Um, Bella, how exactly are they policing you if you all - well, not you - but almost all other vampires eat people?"

"Uh, eating people is within the rules, apparently. Eating a lot of people and causing havoc and destruction and alerting humans to our presence is not."

"Apparently," he echoed bitterly.

"Regardless, they are one of the most civilized groups within the vampire culture, I think. And I want to meet some other vampires, so I'm going there."

"And you know this how? Have you really thought this through?" I could hear the building agitation in his voice.

"Look, I know you hate the Cullens, but Carlisle was a very good and kind person, and at one point he lived with them for quite awhile. I trust his judgment. Plus," I continued, "I love you, Jake, and all the rest of the wolves, but I'm still different than you are, I know that. I want to be around other vampires for a bit, even if its only to see if I can learn something useful about myself. I'm not going forever - only a few months." I hurriedly finished.

Jacob was silent, although I could hear his breathing quite clearly. "Okay." he said quietly.

"And - wait, 'okay'? You aren't going to start screaming about a 'bunch of filthy bloodsuckers'?"

"Would it do any good?"

"Well, since you put it that way ... um, no."

"Look, Bella. I know I say a lot of bad things about vampires - especially those bloodsuckers that ruined your life. I'm meant to kill vampires, it's my entire reason for existence as a shapeshifter. However, I can tell this is important to you, and I know what you mean about feeling different - I mean, do you remember when we were all still changing, one by one? Thank god I had other wolves to talk to during that time, other people to help me, to answer my questions and keep me sane. You don't have any of that. So, yes, I still hate those filthy bloodsuckers, but I love you more, and if this is what you need to do, then I trust your judgment."

I was momentarily speechless, my heart in my throat and a weird pressure building behind my eyes. "Thanks, Jake," I whispered.

"Besides, if they do anything to hurt you, we'll be more than happy to take a field trip to straighten them out."

I smiled, "I would expect nothing less."

I could hear his answering smile, "Of course, Bella - you might smell bad, but you're still my best friend."

"So," I decided to forge on ahead, "before I actually go over there, though, I found someone who knows a bit about these vampires, and I'm going to meet with him on Sunday. I figure that I'll be better off if I have some knowledge about them before I just show up on their doorstep."

"How very, er, tactical - so you met another bloodsucker?"

"Well, not really. I met a regular human who has somehow figured a lot of things out that could really get him in trouble."

Jacob barked a short laugh, "I'll say."

"So, in the spirit of personal safety, I wanted to let someone know where I would be on Sunday, just in case."

"Bella?" I could hear the suppressed incredulity in Jacob's voice.

"Yeah?"

"Let me get this straight - you're more worried about meeting a single strange HUMAN than a group of old, powerful vampires?"

When he put it like that, it did sound rather silly. "Uh, yeah?" I replied, my voice trailing upwards.

There was a burst of unrestrained laughter on the other end of the phone. "I really don't know how to respond to that," Jacob choked out, "Look, if he tries to hurt you, I don't know, EAT him or something? Or maybe break all the bones in his body? Or, maybe even just step on him?" I'm sure he would have said more, but his laughter was verging on hysterics. "Hell, I bet you could just sit on him." he managed to squeak out.

"Geez, Jake, okay, okay. I get it."

"But thanks for letting me know," he wheezed out.

"FINE, Jake. You can stop laughing at me now."

"Look, maybe you NEED to hang out with some other vampires for awhile - you obviously have no concept of what you are."

I made a strangled noise of frustration.

"Okay, okay, I'm done, really," he continued. "If I don't hear from you on Monday, I'll assume you got really hungry and are guiltily sitting out in the woods somewhere," he snickered.

I was silent.

Jacob eventually caught on that I wasn't going to react any more. "Okay, change of subject! What are you going to be for Halloween this year?"

That actually made me pause for a second. "Is that some kind of a joke?"

"Well, no, not really - I mean, seems like Halloween should be your thing now, huh?" I could hear the glee barely contained in his voice.

"Funny, Jacob. I wasn't planning on going to any Halloween parties. You know why Halloween is such fun? It's because the monsters AREN'T REAL. Oh, since you mention it - what are YOU going as this year?"

"I was actually thinking about going as you. You know, since you're a scary monster now, and all. I'm going to go get a wig, and Emily said she'd do my makeup. I think Quil's really excited about it ... maybe too excited, actually," he finished thoughtfully.

"Wait - WHAT? Jake - that's so, so ..." I searched for the right word, "wrong. Just wrong ... like, need professional help wrong. You should really think about seeing someone." Although disturbed, I was a little mollified. I mean, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? I thought of something else, "And, uh, I don't wear makeup."

Jacob chuckled. "I'll take pictures. Everyone misses you, Bella. I'm can't wait for you to come back in December - it's going to be awesome." I couldn't miss the wistful note in his voice.

"I miss you guys, too - a lot. I should be there in about 5 weeks or so? I've already told Renee that I'm not coming to Jacksonville for Christmas, now I just have to figure out how to get around Charlie, which hopefully won't be too hard."

"Just let me know if you need me or Billy to help with that."

I was surprised that Jacob mentioned Billy's name, but then I realized that Billy probably would do anything in his power to help Charlie stay out of the supernatural fray that was about to go down. "I might - I'll let you know in the next few days if I do. Thanks."

"Well, I better go - we're having a bonfire tonight, and I have to help Emily bring the food down. Sheesh, some times I feel like a pack-wolf."

"Pack-wolf instead of wolf-pack?" I jibed.

The groan that issued from Jacob was overly dramatic. "That's it, I'm outta here."

I laughed, "Ok, talk to you soon, Jake. Take care of yourself and tell everyone I said 'hi'."

"Bye, Bells."

I put the phone down with a click, and stared thoughtfully at it. Halloween. It was tomorrow. I have to admit, the idea of being able to at least not worry as much about my human facade was enticing, but on the heels of that thought was another: No, it will actually be like adding another layer of disguise over what you are now. I sighed. The fervor over the incumbent holiday was inescapable, though - it buzzed around me whenever I had been near other students the past week or two. Not surprisingly, though, I had not been invited to any parties. I did talk to other students in my classes, but our conversations were always saturated with the tension that comes from putting politeness over instinct. The only person who did try to have normal interactions with me was Matt, and even he had been scarce the past few days. Why are you even worrying about this, Bella? I asked myself, It's not like you don't have other stuff going on - you know, little things like killer vampires and potential unabombers.

I sighed and laid back on the bed, closing my eyes. Unbidden, though, the first vision that popped into my head, so vibrant that I thought for a second I hadn't closed my eyes, was of Edward's face looking into mine as he did on so many evenings when he was trying to get me to fall asleep. I could see the silvery moonlight defining his features, the slight iridescent sheen that it made on his skin. His eyes were guarded, but luminously full of love, and his smooth lips were quirked up into a half-smile. He was slowly reaching toward me, to gently push a stray piece of hair away from my face. I even began to hear faint familiar humming, realizing in the next instant that the quiet vibrations were emanating from me. The vice-grip around my chest tightened another notch, and while I knew I should just open my eyes, I could see him so clearly, and I hung on to the image until it faded just moments later.

Opening my eyes again, I let out a now-familiar tearless sob. Stupid perfect vampire memory, I thought angrily. I looked around myself, relieved to see that I hadn't destroyed anything in my moment of sorrow. These painful aftershocks were farther apart than they used to be, but still happened with regular frequency. I had quickly learned after my change, though, that anything I held in my hands would be that much dust, so I tried very hard not to hang on to or grab anything when one hit. My immediate instinct was to call Jacob back, and the phone was in my hand before I realized it. I looked at it, though, and slowly put it back down. It's not fair to him, I guiltily thought, you can't just use him as a blanket to hide under. I took a couple deep, although unnecessary, breaths, and concentrated on relaxing. You're going to be okay, I repeated to myself - it had been my mantra for what felt like a long time now. No, you're not! a tiny, angry voice within me screamed, but I chose to ignore it - I had to ignore it to keep myself sane.

Somewhat calm again, I stood up and I decided that I needed to go do something. Some nights I would have given anything to be able to sleep again, to just shut off. But it was no longer an option, so I did the next best thing - I went to hunt.