Trigger Warning: This story initially focuses on an assault. The actual assault isn't described, but the after effects (injuries, etc.) are discussed. If this will bother you, this may not the be the best fic for you to read. Be safe. Be healthy. Be kind to yourself.
AN: A big thank you to all of you who have been reading, following, and commenting. I love hearing your thoughts and they motivate me to continue the story. It means so much to me that so many people seem interested in the story. Many thanks to INeedYourGrace for the beta help – she is wonderful.
I don't mean to pull a Shonda on this chapter (and the next few), but there is plan. Trust the journey.
Anyway, Enjoy!
Chapter Four
"Callie," Arizona said before kissing Callie's forehead. "I just finished showering and started the coffee, so you should get up if you want to shower before Sofia gets up." Arizona gently tried to wake Callie before she walked out of Callie's bedroom to start breakfast.
"Mmrghr." Callie answered as she started to wake up.
After Callie had showered she walked into the kitchen in her robe to find Arizona and Sofia eating breakfast together, with an extra place set for her. Callie poured a cup of coffee and joined them in the breakfast nook. The three of them ate breakfast together that morning as they had for the past two weeks. Sofia no longer seemed surprised to have Arizona there. For the first week Sofia had asked every night if Arizona would be there when she woke up and every morning if Arizona would be there that evening. Soon Arizona and Sofia had finished their breakfast and left the table to get Sofia ready for daycare. After Callie finished her cereal she moved into the kitchen to pack lunches for all three of them. She could hear the giggles from both of her girls in Sofia's room. Her girls. Except Arizona wasn't hers. They weren't together, were they?
After the attack Arizona had been staying with them. At first there was a degree of medical necessity, even though she could have stayed with any of their other doctor friends. Beyond the questionable medical necessity was the psychological. Arizona felt comfortable in the house with Callie and Sofia. This comfort was important to help Arizona heal both physically and mentally. But it had been two weeks, physically Arizona bore few reminders of the night – her stitches had long come out, though some of the wounds were still healing, she had been operating for a few days now, and the bruises were largely faded and barely noticeable. Callie wasn't naïve. She knew that night would haunt Arizona and her for the rest of their lives.
But somehow in the past two weeks they had lost the distance and politeness they had grown accustomed to over the past 6 months. Instead, they were living in the same house, and sharing a bed. Almost as though they hadn't broken up, they slipped back into their former life without either of them realizing it. They hadn't shared any intimacy – physically or emotionally – beyond a kiss on the cheek. Not even their conversations seemed to hold any real depth, though none of this was dissimilar to the final few months of their relationship, not including the therapy sessions.
"Honey, could you make sure Sofia's favorite sippy cup is in her bag for daycare?"
Callie froze at Arizona's question. Honey. It was too familiar. This was too easy. She didn't know how they had gotten to where they were, but she knew she couldn't do it. Not anymore. Not again. Callie knew something had to change, now. But she needed to think about what it was she needed and this was not a conversation that Sofia should hear.
"Hey Callie, I know we were going to make lasagna for dinner tonight, but how do you feel about ordering pizza? It will take less time and then I can stay a bit later to catch on my fellowship and you can have a few extra hours in the lab." Arizona barely looked up from her chart when she saw Callie come up to the same nurses station.
"Actually, Arizona we need to talk."
"Okay, so tonight after pizza."
"No. Now. Please?"
Arizona followed Callie into the nearby on-call room, though Arizona was growing leery of on-call room conversations, having been yelled at in far too many of them recently. She couldn't help but think of her earlier fetal surgery failures and Herman's less than pleasant conversation with her in this exact room.
"Arizona, I know that I never actually kicked you out and that I even told you that you didn't have leave when we separated months ago. I know I offered for you to stay. But we can't keep doing this, Arizona. You need to go. We aren't together. I can't do this anymore."
"Wha—Callie"
Arizona never saw this coming. She thought they were doing so well. She loved staying with Callie, seeing Sofia every day. She knew their circumstances weren't perfect, but at the end of the day she got to hold Callie, be held by Callie. Even if they started at opposite sides of the bed, in sleep they wrapped themselves around each other like they'd never been a part. They had both made so many mistakes, but this seemed easy, familiar, like where they were supposed to be.
"I'm sorry Arizona. I know you were hurt and I wanted to help. But we are not together. We cannot get back together. Not like this. Not because of another tragedy. It is always tragedies, Arizona. The shooting. Africa. My pregnancy. The car crash. The plane crash. The trial. I feel we make decisions based on traumatic circumstances – they are band aids. I'm done with band aids in relationships, and ticking time bombs. I'm too old for games and this merry-go-round we are on of breaking up, destroying each other, and getting back together because something bad happens. I'm done. We're done. No more. Tragedies can't be the catalyst for our relationship anymore. I don't want to be constantly waiting for a gunman, or crash, or attack, or whatever to bring you back to me. I want to be enough for someone without any outside trauma. I get that you were hurt and traumatized. I was too. Arizona, I know it isn't my story, my attack, but seeing you like that was awful for me. We both gained a few more PTSD triggers that night. But we cannot let that control our relationship. We are not together."
Arizona hadn't meant for them to end up where they were either. She honestly had thought that staying at Callie's house would be a one night thing. But with each passing day that she stayed and grew closer with both of her girls she allowed herself to hope that Callie did miss her and want her back – that maybe all those months ago Callie had missed her enough. It had taken a night a night of hell for Arizona, but maybe they could find their way back.
"Callie, I thought maybe we could…"
"No Arizona. We aren't doing this again. This time isn't any different. I'm still me and you are still you. You can't stay at the house anymore it is confusing for Sofia. She has already been through so much this year." Callie started in again.
"Callie this isn't about Sofia. This is about us. I've missed you. I love you. I want us to work. Please, Callie."
"Arizona" Callie pleaded with just that one word, she pleaded to be understood, pleaded for Arizona to back off so she wouldn't have to lay the last few of her cards on the table. It was much easier when it was Sofia she was protecting, not her own heart. "I. can. not. do. this. We can't sleep in the same bed, it is too confusing. This whole thing is confusing to me too. I don't want to take the chance that we will wake up in year and realize it was all one big mistake. I don't want to have to wonder if we would be together if you hadn't been attacked. It needs to be tonight, please Arizona."
This was a change. Arizona couldn't remember a time when Callie had begged and pleaded with Arizona to leave her. Callie had begged for them to stay together, for Arizona to come back, for Arizona to communicate, for Arizona to get over the leg. Callie had always saved the begging and the pleading to make them work, to make Arizona happy.
"Fine Callie." Arizona walked out of the on-call room trying, but not succeeding to not slam the door. She couldn't break down in front of Callie again. Callie was begging to be absolved of her sins, their sins, their huge mess of a marriage. Arizona couldn't give Callie anything anymore, nothing Arizona wanted too anyway. But walking away she could do. Arizona was destroyed anyway, the pieces had only slowly started to come back together living with Sofia and Callie.
They were done.
Again. Officially. Finally. Completely.
Arizona stayed at work late allowing the painful words to swirl in her head until all she wanted to do was forget. She'd even received moderately kind words from Herman today. Well, at least they weren't overtly mean. But even that couldn't drown out Callie's voice in her head.
"We're done."
Arizona considered going to Joe's but she wanted forget everything without having to worry about driving. She went to the frat house knowing there would be copious alcohol. She didn't need to go back to the house, Callie's house, as she had never moved her things from Alex's. Maybe on some level she knew playing house with Callie wouldn't last. She didn't even care what she drank she just didn't want today to be today anymore.
Meredith, Amelia, Maggie, Alex, and Jo were drinking beer in the living room when Arizona got to the house. Arizona had no idea how that group of people ended up here tonight, or if they were all even friends; though she supposed that Meredith, Amelia, and Maggie were all some sort of dysfunctional sisters. Arizona was just glad Callie wasn't there. She wasn't sure she could handle seeing Callie again. The night Arizona moved in to the frat house when Callie was there had been awkward and Arizona had no intention of repeating that scenario.
Arizona went straight for the cupboard in the kitchen with the good stuff. She found a mostly full decent bottle of Tequila near the back. It must have been Cristina's. Arizona quickly downed two shots before returning to living room filled glass in one hand and bottle in the other.
"We are not together."
Arizona would much prefer to drink alone tonight. She didn't need the questions or the stares, but she also didn't think she could get away with sleeping somewhere else for two weeks, coming back, taking nearly full bottle of Tequila and hiding in her room.
Arizona politely sat through the gossip trying to deflect attention from herself while taking not so small sips from her glass. Refills were often. Soon Arizona decided if she was giving into one of her vices she might as well dust off another. Arizona went outside and lit up. Shortly after Sofia was born Arizona knew she had to give up this vice for good. Sofia's lungs were fragile and Callie's anger and revulsion often was not worth the relief she received from a cigarette or two. When she was with Leah she didn't have Callie to worry about though and she often needed a few cigarettes after sleeping with Leah. Leah wasn't bad. She just wasn't Callie.
"No more."
Arizona had just taken the first drag off her second cigarette when Amelia walked out the front door.
"Are you leaving?" Arizona asked.
"No I thought I would come out here and watch your sorry ass kill yourself. At least it is more entertaining than the gossip and Derek discussion inside."
Arizona held out the box to offer a cigarette to Amelia.
"No, thanks. I said I wanted to watch you kill yourself, not participate. Besides I can't. Little things quickly lead to bigger things."
"So you've gone straight edge on me Shepherd?"
"Ha. I wouldn't say straight." Amelia retorted with a smirk "But I try to stay away from anything of that variety."
It was at this point that Arizona realized that Amelia was drinking a Coke, not a beer like the others. Or at least she assumed that everyone else had a beer. She hadn't paid that much attention. She didn't care.
"I haven't seen you drink like this since I've been in Seattle, Arizona. Actually, I don't think I've seen you go this hard on the Tequila since your early residency years. And cigarettes. I'd thought you quit. Are you okay?" Amelia chanced asking Arizona a personal question knowing that in this mood Arizona was likely to shut down or tell her to fuck off or blow smoke in her face. It wouldn't be the first time for any of those options. But something seemed off and at one time they had been able to talk. Maybe Arizona needed someone who can't see Callie's side, because she doesn't know Callie. Not really, at least.
"I don't know. No. Not tonight Amelia," Arizona started to slur.
"So you and Callie..."
"Done apparently."
Arizona finished her cigarette and knocked back another shot. Amelia touched Arizona's hand to comfort her, she thought.
"So you and … James, was it?" Arizona asked as they quickly slip back into their old shorthand.
"Done. And it has been quite some time for me."
Arizona and Amelia both looked each other in the eye as if trying to see if the other each held the same meaning as these words had meant all those years ago. Arizona had another shot. The conversation with Amelia swirled with memories of their past and the words Callie had hurled that afternoon.
"I'm done."
Arizona slammed Amelia into front door kissing her roughly. Amelia's hands reached for Arizona's hips pulling her in closer. This had been their relationship for much of their residency at Hopkins. They had never been serious, but if they were both unattached and stressed they seemed to end up in bed together. Their friendship beyond their hook-ups was always something of a question. But they fulfilled a need for each other. Amelia wasn't Callie. But this wasn't about love, or really even lust. This was about forgetting the present and remembering who she used to be – the girl who drank away her problems, used women to forget, and still woke up at dawn to get the best surgery.
"We cannot get back together."