Chapter 9: Futures
When I was first turned, I had worried that my immortality would mean that time would slow, become meaningless, one day bleeding into another into one long, endless existence. I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead, time was swiftly rushing water, and I was apparently the rock midstream, unmoving and unchanging, as the world revolved at a blinding pace around me. In my little pocket of the universe, October had turned into November, and Thanksgiving break was already looming on the horizon. My time was spent in an endless cycle of studying, going to class, hunting, and thinking. I had gone over Edwin's papers many times, noting with concern how close he had come to the truth of things. Luckily, he still seemed to be laboring under the misconceptions about vampires put forward by popular culture, such as being unable to go out in sunlight, aversion to religious items, and so on. Having met him, I felt sorry for him, horrified at what my own kind could do. I thought about the despair that would have most likely engulfed me if I didn't have such a strong example of goodness in the Cullen family. Still, it would be an understatement to say that I was less than thrilled to get confirmation that yes, I was a monster. I tried to find some silver lining to the knowledge, finally focusing on the fact that, at the very least, I wouldn't be caught off-guard by the actions of the Volturi when I arrived in Italy.
More pressing matters were at hand, though. Even though I wasn't going home for Thanksgiving break, I knew that heading home for the holidays was soon after - and with it, my chance at Victoria. I had managed to somewhat put that out of my mind in the past few weeks, as I realized that, for the first time, I had been concentrating on my future more than my past. The realization had been a small, hopeful epiphany. Returning to immediate matters regarding Victoria, though, I was nervous. I'm not sure exactly why, since I wasn't afraid for my own safety - I knew that Jake and the rest of the wolves would keep me from harm. After many nights of contemplation, I decided it must be the simple fact of having the second most traumatic moment of my life thrown back in my face. As for the first most traumatic moment, well, I didn't have to revisit that yet, thankfully.
When Thanksgiving itself came, I was in my room, working on a paper for my Art History class. For once, Jacob actually called me.
"Hey, Bella! Happy Thanksgiving!"
"Hey Jake - um, does your dad know you're making a long-distance phone call?"
On the other end of the line, Jacob paused. "Uh, Bella, I'm not a child."
"No, but I don't think you have a job, either ... and tasks given to you by your werewolf pack don't count." I replied snappily.
"Wow, in a good mood today, I see," he remarked lightly.
I sighed. "No, I'm glad to hear from you ... I think I'm getting nervous about Winter Break." I didn't have to elucidate any more than that.
A low rumble came over the phone, "There's nothing to be nervous about, Bella - we've got your back. Time for Bloodsucker Smackdown!" he finished triumphantly.
A thread of tension broke and I laughed quietly. "I'm glad you're enthusiastic. It's not that I think I'm going to get hurt, or that I don't want to go after her. It's just that thinking about all this stuff is making me think about ... other things, too."
Jacob sighed, "I know, Bella. I promise, though, this is going to make you feel better. It'll be, you know, like therapy."
"Do you realize how messed up it is that we're talking about killing someone as therapy?"
"No, no, not someone - some THING. So, actually, it's kinda cool. Just think, for once in your life, you'll get to be the bad-ass action-star chick."
"This is so surreal," I muttered to myself.
Jacob barked a laugh. "Get used to it, babe. Trust me, you just gotta go with the flow."
I laughed, "Listen to you, zen-puppy!"
"ZEN-PUPPY?" came Jacob's indignant reply.
In the background, I heard laughter, as Jacob turned from the phone for a second. "Quil, dammit, I'm on the phone," I could hear him call over his shoulder.
I could also hear Quil's slightly muted response, "Your dad wants you to come help set up the tables ... zen-puppy." There was a brief yelp, and then the sound of something moderately heavy hitting a wall, and receding laughter. I snickered.
"Great," Jacob groaned, "He's going to go repeat that in front of everyone."
"Hey now, you brought it on yourself, babe."
"Okay, okay. Listen, Bells, apparently I gotta go. I'm sorry you're not here to hang out with everyone ... they all miss you, you know."
My chest tightened, "Yeah, I know. Same here. Tell everyone I said hi. I'll be home soon."
I could almost hear Jacob's smile, "You got that right, babe."
I was laughing when he hung up.
...
The first Monday after Thanksgiving break, I was hanging out in a shaded alcove near the Art History department office, trying, mostly in vain, to do the week's reading, since my thoughts kept veering towards my imminent return to Forks. My head was back against the wall, my eyes tipped upwards, idly tracing the gothic style decoration molded into the concrete, when I heard someone call my name.
"Hey, Bella!"
I started at the sound, not because I hadn't heard her walk up to me, but because no one, aside from Matt, ever intentionally engaged me in conversation. Bringing my gaze downward from the ceiling, I found myself looking at a girl who seemed vaguely familiar, until I realized that she was in my art history class, although she usually sat clear across the lecture hall from my spot in the back corner, closest to the door. She smelled sweet, like raspberry candy, with a hint of peppermint. I suppressed a small shudder at the fact that I now categorized the people I met by their scent. I did not know her name, though.
"Uh, hi?" I responded, somewhat lamely.
She obviously saw my poorly hidden confusion, because she quickly added, "I'm Anna - I'm in your art history class."
"Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, uh, nice to meet you." Geez, Bella, could you get any more awkward? My brain quickly chastised me for my apparent loss of social skills. Has it really been that long since you've had a conversation with a stranger?
Anna smiled, genuinely smiled at me, and I felt my lips involuntarily twitch upwards in response. "No worries if you don't actually remember me - it's a big class."
If I were human, I would've blushed. "No, I'm not lying - I do know who you are. Are you also a freshman?"
"Junior, actually. Anyway, I wanted to introduce myself, since were about to spend a lot of time together." I must have once again looked perplexed, because she added, "In Italy."
My smile froze as I tried to hide the ice that gripped my heart at her words, images of Edwin's face as he told his story flashing through my mind. I made myself take a breath. I said as nonchalantly as I could, "Oh, you'll be in Volterra also?"
My minor panic attack seemed to pass unnoticed, as she replied in the same sunny manner, "Well, not as much as you will be, although there are a couple of pieces in the collection there that I want to take a look at. I'll be in Florence for the most part. I'm sure we'll see each other quite a bit, though!"
Weirdly enough, she looked at me happily while uttering that last statement, and once again, the infectiousness of her smile broke through the wall that I normally placed between myself and the other students.
"Well, cool," I said, surprised to find that I really meant it.
"Yeah," she added, "it's going to be so much fun, and I'm glad I'll have someone else to compare notes with about those lovely Italian boys," She raised her eyebrows suggestively. "Anyway, I have to run - nice to meet you, Bella! I'll send you an email over break, and we can coordinate."
With another blinding smile, she turned and headed out of the building, and I found myself still smiling slightly at empty space. The threads of worry that had begun to wrap themselves around me as we talked loosened a little, as I vowed to myself that nothing was going to happen to this girl because of me.
...
That night, I went for a run, not really focused on hunting, but because I found the cold night air, the crunch of leaves underfoot, and susurrations of the forest helped me clear my head. Although I didn't consciously mean to, I found myself following the same track through the forest most nights, ending up at a small pond ... in Vermont. It looked nothing like the meadow back in Forks, but somehow possessed the same otherworldliness that I associated with that place.
I slowed down as I approached, stopping at my favorite rock, a large flat piece of slate whose deep gray color blended with the murky water just beyond it. My meditation rock, as I had started to refer to it. I folded my legs quietly, leaning back on my palms as I watched the moonlight reflect off the water, picking out the silhouettes of some very brave ducks along the opposite shoreline. I always moved very slowly and quietly in this spot -for some reason the animals around here didn't seem to fear me quite as much, and so their presence made me once again feel truly connected to the world. If I was really lucky, I might spy a moose or a deer later on in the night. For the moment, the languid movement of the sleeping ducks and the reassuring chorus of crickets was enough.
It was only in this place that I now allowed myself to unrestrictedly think about the Cullens, about Edward, which is probably why I usually returned to it night after night. The surrounding peacefulness and life grounded me enough that I didn't feel so lost. Even though I knew it was a pointless exercise, I wondered what he was doing at that moment - was he listening to music, lost in Debussy or something similar? Or driving at breakneck speeds, a silver blur along empty, winding roads? I wondered if he ever played my lullaby on the piano. I thought about the rest of the Cullens, too, closing my eyes and imagining the sounds of their happy home. I could almost hear Emmett's booming laughter, Alice's dancing footsteps on the stairs, the mellow, hushed tones of Carlyle and Esme in a deep discussion somewhere in the living room. I pictured myself sitting in an empty room in the house, with the family that I so loved and missed just on the other side of the door.
I knew this kind of maudlin imagining probably wasn't healthy for me, but this place was so other, that I felt like it was safe to let myself feel all the things that would normally leave me aching with emptiness. Here, instead, I felt a semblance of peace, like for a moment it was simply okay knowing that they - that he - simply existed in this world, somewhere, even if it was not a part of my life. The thought of leaving this place behind soon, to return to Forks, and then to head to Italy, was bittersweet.
...
I instinctively took a deep breath as I stepped into the terminal, and then instantly regretted my decision, as I was overwhelmed with the scents of nearby humans. It's like a long island iced tea of yummy smells, my brain added unhelpfully.
I held my breath, and quickly found my way down towards the bag claim. As I stood on the top of the down escalator, I heard a loud, high-pitched whistle, which caught not only my attention, but also the attention of everyone in a 100 foot radius, including two airport cops. My head snapped to the right, and sure enough, there was Jacob, Quil, and Embry, the latter holding his fingers to his lips again, ready to emit another high-pitched shriek. They all caught my eyes at the same time, and I made an exaggerated slicing motion across my neck with my hand, nodding at the two cops who were slowly pushing their way through the hordes of baggage-seeking holiday travelers. Quil made a big show of slowly grabbing Embry's hands, which only caused Embry to yell out "That's it!" and turn towards Quil. As the escalator finally reached the bottom, I saw Jacob roll his eyes at the other two, who were now doing some sort of publicly abbreviated wrestling match by Bag Carousel 2. Not wanting to make a detour to the SeaTac jail, I quickly ran over. Fortunately, my appearance put enough of a stop to Quil and Embry's shenanigans to appease the cops, who were now just on the other side of the carousel. So instead of sweet-talking airport security, I found myself smushed in a two-way wolf hug between Quil and Embry.
"I missed you guys, too," I laughed. I took a step back, turning around, only to be swept off my feet by Jacob, who said loudly, "Boy, you're heavier than you look!" At my dirty glance in his direction, he whispered in my ear, "But I love that I can squeeze you as tight as I want to, and you won't break. I missed you, Bells."
I said nothing as I smiled back at him, and he put me down gently, for all his talk of my unbreakability. I glanced at all three of them, "You know, you really didn't have to come all the way out here to get me."
"What are you nuts?" Quil responded, "and miss the chance for a road trip? This never happens! Plus, it was a good excuse for Jake to take his new car for a spin."
My gaze flew to Jacob's. "New car, huh? Look at you, Mr. Fancypants."
Jacob looked down sheepishly, "Er, "new" might be taking it a little too far. How about "new to you," instead?"
...
New-to-me or not, Jake's car was amazing. It was a beautiful cherry-red '65 Ford Mustang that he'd apparently been working on in his garage since shortly after I left for school.
"You've done all this work in three months?" I exclaimed upon seeing it.
"Yup," Jake affirmed.
"Yeah, looks real good from the outside, doesn't it?" Embry snickered.
"Er, yeah, well, it has only been three months ... I'm still waiting for some replacement parts, obviously." Jacob muttered.
"Jake just wanted to impress you, though," Quil added, "He knew that a shiny outside would do the trick."
"Wow, Quil, I think you just managed to insult both Jacob and me in the same sentence!" I laughed. "I'm sorry I haven't been using all my new spare time to read all the Car and Driver magazines in existence."
"Well, you do have a lot of spare time now," I heard Quil murmur under his breath.
I rolled my eyes. "Alright, alright, if you guys give me one, I'll promise to read it," I capitulated, while Embry gasped in mock shock, clutching at his chest.
"Speaking of cars, can we go home now?" My eyes turned back to Jacob's car as I realized there was no possible way that myself, three werewolves, and my luggage were going to fit in it. "I call shotgun!" was my instinctive response.
Quil and Embry just chuckled. "Don't worry, Bella, we actually took two cars."
I shot them a look of disbelief. "Are you sure you guys are old enough to drive?"
"Res rules, Bella," was Jacob's reply, "But don't worry, I've put them in an indestructible tank." Before I could ask, Embry darted a few parking spaces over and I soon heard a familiar rumble. I had been so focused on the Mustang, that I hadn't even noticed my old truck sitting close by. I started laughing, "I can't believe that thing made it here!"
Jacob looked mildly insulted. "If you must know, I did some tune-ups while you were gone, in case you wanted it back while you were here. It runs better than it looks."
"I'm sure it does ... but we're going home in the Mustang, right?" The thought of hours spent slowly rattling back to Forks in my truck was not a pleasant one.
Jacob's response was to open the Mustang's passenger-side door, grandly gesturing me in.