Disclaimer: I don't own any characters etc.
Fair warning - this is a little angsty. I am sorry to do this to you but I had to get it out! But it is sorted before the end of the chapter. Which also means a slightly longer chapter for you all! :)
So this chapter was loosely inspired by the song "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. This chapter will probably be more emotive if you listen to the song first :)
1 Month Later...
Jane walked into Maura's office hoping to find the doctor at her desk. She had had a rough week, the team being unable to break a case and it was really starting to get on Jane's nerves. All she wanted to do was go home with Maura, have a beer and watch a movie. So she was bitterly disappointed as she walked into the office and saw the desk empty. Before she could turn to walk out the door, however, two arms wrapped around her waist.
"Hey sexy" Maura breathed seductively into Jane's ear.
Jane quickly detangled herself from Maura before looking around to see if anyone saw them. "What are you doing Maura? The door is open, someone could have seen us!"
"Jane, don't raise your voice at me. All I was doing was hugging my girlfriend." Maura watched as Jane visibly winced at her last word. "Oh that's right, you don't want to put a label on this." This is exactly what Maura was afraid of their first night together. Jane didn't want anyone to know about them. Which may have been okay, but Jane refused to even call Maura her girlfriend when they were alone. Maura was fast becoming sick of being Jane's dirty little secret.
"Maur, please. Let's not argue." Her voice was now soft as she placed a hand on the M.E's arm. "I just can't handle anyone finding out about us yet. I..." Jane was interrupted by Maura yanking her arm away from under her touch.
"Jane that first night we were together you said you had wanted me for years. That you would always be around. You have had years to get used to the idea of being with me. You know what hurts the most Jane? It's not even the fact that you are too ashamed of me to let anyone see us together. It's that even when it is just the two of us alone, you refuse to call me your girlfriend. And you cringed just now when I called you my girlfriend."
"Maur, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just a big step for me to tell everyone."
"You can't even accept it yourself Jane, that's the real problem. We have been together for a month now and still you refuse to acknowledge what is happening between us." Maura had to take a breath in order to calm herself down. She was becoming too emotional, too angry and she did not want to say something she would later regret. However, after the upbringing she had and the turmoil she had experienced in her love life the past few years, Maura was determined to protect herself. Never in a million years did she think she would have to protect herself from Jane, but here they were. "Listen Jane. I'm not going to continue down this path. You are hurting me and you either don't realise or dont care."
Up until that point, Jane had been determined to let Maura speak her mind, but at this point she had to interject. "Of course I care Maur. I am so sorry. I really had no idea it was bothering you so much." Jane was now looking at her feet, unable to bring herself to look into Maura's eyes and see the hurt that she had caused.
"Jane, I really need you to let me finish please, this is hard for me."
"Of course Maur." Jane softly replied, forcing herself to now look at Maura. If she had caused Maura this hurt, she knew she deserved to see the negative effects of her actions.
"Jane, you of all people know how much I have been let down by people who were supposed to care about me. I thought it would be different with you, and mostly it has been, but this - this is too much. I feel like your dirty little secret. You hiding me away from everyone - including yourself - makes me feel just as worthless as my parents made me feel when I was a child."
Tears were now streaming down both women's faces. Jane wanted so badly to explain to Maura that she loved her more than anything in this world. She wanted to scoop Maura up in her arms and prove her love for the doctor. But she knew that she had done this to her best friend, the love of her life. She knew she had caused her to hurt more than anyone else ever had. Jane had hurt Maura. The one person in the world she would do anything to protect. Jane recognized the fact that Maura had given her heart to her. She had trusted Jane enough to not break it. Jane didn't know if she could ever forgive herself for failing the doctor so dismally. In that moment though, she knew she would give Maura whatever she needed to mend. Even if that meant the doctor needed space. Jane prayed that would not be the case, knowing that being away from Maura would break her heart. But she deserved to be heartbroken after the way she had treated Maura. She was resolved to agree to whatever the doctor stipulated.
"Jane, I... I need..." Maura knew in her mind that she needed to say the words that were to follow but her heart was stopping her.
"Tell me what you need Maur. I promise I'll give it to you." Jane said sheepishly but sincerely.
"I need a break."
Those were the words Jane was fearing most. She had prepared herself for those words but actually hearing them hurt so much more than she had been able to prepare for. 'How can your heart physically ache for someone who is right in front of you?' she pondered.
"Maur, if that's what you need, then I promised I would give it to you." Jane stated sadly, tears now streaming down her face. Jane made no attempt to stop them. "But, please don't think that I don't love you. Because I do, more than anyone else in this world. I want to stay here and fight for you, but I promised to give you what you need. I've already broken one promise I made to you, so I am not going to break this one." Jane made her way to the door, stopping momentarily when she reached it. She turned back to face Maura once more. She took a deep breath and allowed herself to take in every inch of the doctor's image, afraid that this would be the last time she would see her for some time. She wanted that image etched on her brain forever. She wanted Maura etched on her brain forever, for she was already etched on her heart. "I'll wait for you forever Maur. I'll work on myself in the meantime and if and when you are ready, I promise you I will be ready. And if you need anything, I am still and always will be your friend. I am so sorry I did this to us." Jane turned and left, not wanting Maura to see the overwhelming sadness she knew covered her face.
Jane looked out the window of her apartment to see the rain streaming down the windowpane in front of her. Ordinarily Jane hated the rain. It meant she was stuck inside and it usually meant boredom. Tonight was different though, tonight the rain was almost soothing. She sat down on the couch and tapped the spot next to her, inviting Jo Friday to join her.
"I can take the rain Jo. It doesn't bother me tonight. For the first time in my life I'm not afraid to cry." Jane let the tears run free. What else could she do? She had pushed away the greatest person in her life. Not only had she lost her lover, she had lost her best friend. She wondered what her life was worth without Maura in it. Not much at all. She had promised Maura that she would be ready when Maura wanted her back. If she ever wanted her back. Why would she? Jane shook her head. The self pity needed to stop. She had made a promise to her soul mate. She needed to start making good on that promise right away. She picked up her phone, punched in the number and winced before finally hitting the dial button. The phone rung a couple of times before it was answered on the other end. "Hi. Could you come over. Please?"
Maura didn't know what to do with herself. She didn't want to go home to an empty house. She finally decided to go to the Dirty Robber and have a glass of wine. She entered the Robber cautiously, wanting to make sure that Jane was not there. Upon scanning the bar she saw no sight of Jane, however she spotted Frost and Korsack sitting in a booth to the back of the establishment. She didn't think she would be able to control her emotions around Jane's partner and former partner so she quickly turned and headed towards the door.
"Hey Doc!" Maura grimaced to herself before turning to see Frost standing in front of her. "Wanna join us?" He asked with a genuine smile.
"Sure." She decided she would just have one or two glasses of wine and head home. She could survive that surely.
Frost directed her to the booth before heading back to the bar to get her usual wine order.
"Hey doc, are you alright?" Korsack asked. "Yes thank you sergeant, I'm fine." Maura replied a little too quickly.
"If you say so doc." Maura sighed in relief that Korsack had let her off the hook. Jane would never have let her off so easily, she thought to herself before she shook her head, realising she had come here to get Jane of her mind. She was determined to do so. "Do you want me to call Jane?" Korsack asked, interrupting her thoughts.
"No!" She practically yelled. "Actually, I'm not feeling well. I should head home. Please apologize to detective Frost for me." She requested as she ran out the door.
"Is the doc ok?" Frost asked upon his return to the booth. Korsack shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea."
Jane heard the knock on the door and moved to open it. "Janie, are you alright?" Angela asked as she peered over her daughter. "I don't think I have ever known you to call me in the middle of the night. What's going on?"
"I stuffed up Ma. Big time."
Angela pulled Jane into a tight embrace. Jane resisted her usual urge to push her mother away, instead leaning her head on her mother's shoulder before she started sobbing. Angela pulled back, very concerned about her daughter's unusual actions. "Jane, come sit. Tell me what's happened."
They both moved to the couch, Jane sitting closely by her mother's side. "I ruined it Ma. I had an amazing person who loved me and I was too afraid to tell you that I destroyed our relationship. God, what have I done." Angela once again pulled Jane to her as tears streamed down her face.
"Who Jane? Who are you talking about?"
Jane ignored the questions and continued with her confession. "She was the best thing to ever happen to me. I had no idea what it really meant to love someone until she was in my arms."
"She?" Angela asked as she pulled away from Jane.
"I promised her I would be ready when she wanted me. So I am going to be ready." Jane inhaled audibly giving her a moment to prepare herself for her next confession. She was petrified. What if her mother hated her for loving a woman? She was raised to believe that was a sin after all. What if everyone she loved deserted her? She shook the thoughts out of her head, remembering why she was doing this in the first place. Maura. Beautiful Maura. The thought of the doctor immediately calmed her thoughts. Jane was determined to show Maura that she was serious about her. That she loved her. That's why she was sitting here beside her mother. That's why no matter what her family's reaction was, Jane knew it would be ok.
"Ma, I am in love with Maura." Jane thought it best to remain silent for a moment to allow her mother to process what had just been said. But Angela didn't time to process. She immediately enveloped Jane in her arms, squeezing her as tight as she possibly could.
"Oh Jane, I knew it! Sweetheart, why were you afraid to tell me?" She asked Jane.
"Because Ma, growing up we were taught it was a sin. You instilled that in us kids. I just assumed that you would think I was sick or a bad person." Jane looked sheepishly at the floor.
Angela placed a hand under Jane's chin, pulling her face up until she was looking directly at the older woman. "Jane Clementine Rizzoli. I love you first and foremost. Sure, we taught you what we thought was right at the time. But life changes us Jane. Our opinions on right and wrong adapt. I would never think you are sick or a bad person. You are an incredible person and I am so sorry that I would lead you to believe I thought otherwise."
Jane's tears were now flowing like a stream. Tears of relief, tears of pain, tears of sadness. A torrent of tears. "I ruined it Ma. I broke her heart. I was too scared to call her my girlfriend or tell anyone about us and eventually she got sick of it. Today she told me she needed a break. God, I can't live without her Ma."
"Jane, I know she loves you. It's so obvious. Just give Maura some time sweetheart. It will all work out. But you will need to work damn hard at it!"
"You should go Ma." Angela looked at Jane with a puzzled expression. "Maura needs you more than I do. She has no one and I just added myself to the long list of people who have failed her. Please would you go look after her? I would feel a lot better knowing someone was there for her."
"Oh Jane, of course. I'm going to call Frankie to come over and be with you." Angela offered.
"No Ma, please, I just want some time to myself. I'll be fine, I promise."
"Ok sweetheart. I'll give you an update on Maura in the morning. Love you." Angela gave Jane a kiss on the cheek before heading out the door. "Thanks Ma, love you too."
Maura poured herself a wine, she knew she was going to need it if she wanted to sleep tonight. The past month Jane and Maura had spent virtually every night together and Maura wasn't sure if she would be able to sleep without Jane beside her. So a lot more wine was in order. As Maura was heading towards the couch she heard a knock on the door. Who would be here at this hour? Her heart raced, hoping desperately that Jane was here to fight for her. She couldn't hide the disappointment on her face as she opened the door to Angela.
"Hi sweetie, can I come in for a minute?" She asked, smiling sweetly at Maura. Maura was hesitant, knowing that if Angela asked her what was wrong she would be unable to lie. Angela was like a mother to her, if she pressed Maura for the truth, she would probably burst into tears. She also knew that it was rude to deny Angela entry. "Of course." She replied, the ever gracious hostess.
Angela walked through the door and enveloped Maura in a crushing embrace before stepping back and peering at the doctor. "How are you doing sweetheart?"
The question alone would have been enough to make Maura break down. But the love and understanding she found in Angela's eyes were what set her off. She couldn't even try to hold back her sobs, so she let her tears flow freely. "No." She whispered in response, hoping desperately that Angela did not ask her why she was so upset. It was Jane's place to tell her own mother, not Maura's. That thought made her seethe. She remembered why she was here in the first place. If only Jane had spoken to her mother she wouldn't be put in this predicament. That thought alone was enough to stifle Maura's tears.
Angela watched as Maura's eyes turned from sorrow to ire. She wasn't sure exactly what caused the transition but she knew it was time to speak.
"Sweetie, Jane told me what happened."
Maura jerked her head up in surprise. Had Jane told her mother about her feelings? Maybe Jane really was trying. She shook that thought out of her head. She was not about to get her hopes up again. Jane had probably just told her mother that she and Maura had a fight. Maura really wanted to open up to Angela. She was lonely and so very, very sad, but she needed to know exactly what Angela had been told before she opened those floodgates. "What exactly did Jane tell you had happened?"
"That you two had a fight." Maura shook her head and lowered her eyes, willing Angela not to see the anger in her eyes. The anger directed at her daughter. "She told me that she is in love with you and that you two have been together for a month but she broke your heart by hiding you away."
"She...She told you that?" Maura was still angry. Only now the anger was directed at herself for thinking so little of Jane. For thinking so little of Jane's love for her. She had told her mother. Maura knew that was the biggest step of all for Jane. She knew that Jane was petrified that her mother would abandon her.
"Yes sweetie, she told me all that had happened." Angela stopped momentarily, waiting for Maura's eyes to meet her own. "And then she sent me over here to look after you. She told me that you needed me more that she did."
This was all too much for Maura, she had to sit down. She made her way to the couch and sat down before burying her faced in her hands.
Angela sat down next to Maura and placed an arm around her before continuing. "I don't want you to think I am making excuses for her actions Maura, because the way she treated you was wrong. But Frank and I raised her in the Catholic faith. We raised her to believe that homosexuality was wrong. We... I thought it was true at the time. We made Jane think it was true. So she struggled to accept herself Maura. She thought she was doing something wrong. But you know what, her love for you won out. She wouldn't have been with you if she didn't love you. She just had a lot of guilt to grapple with in her own mind. She thought that I would hate her or think she was sick. She was scared, but she's not anymore. I can tell you that much."
It now made sense to Maura why Jane refused to refer to her as her girlfriend. It also dawned upon Maura that she had never officially asked Jane to be her girlfriend. Why hadn't she done that? She realise she herself had contributed to this situation. Where she should have shown understanding, she instead chose to push Jane away. Where she should have asked Jane the reason behind her actions, she instead chose to end things with her. What had she done? Jane wasn't the only one who needed to work herself out.
"I had no idea. I didn't even ask. I just assumed she was ashamed of me." Maura stated weakly.
"Oh honey, you and I both know how stubborn Jane can be. She needs a little push to get her to open up. She never offers her feelings willingly. Just please don't give up on her, I don't think she could survived losing you."
"I would never, could never live without Jane either Angela." Maura's mind then transgressed to an earlier statement that Angela had made. "Did you say Jane sent you over here? Is there anyone with her?"
"No darling, she just wanted to make sure that you were looked after."
Maura was in disbelief. Once again Jane had put Maura before herself. She always did. Jane had promised Maura that she was would be ready when Maura wanted her back. It seemed Jane was ready right now and Maura sure as hell wanted her. Right. Now.
"I need to go see her." Maura started to make her way towards the door before a hand gently grasped her arm.
"Maura honey it's really late, why don't you both sleep on it and head over in the morning?"
Maura knew Angela was right but she so desperately wanted to be in Jane's arms. She realized that she was being selfish. Jane was probably asleep. And in any case, after the way Maura had acted, the thoughts she had thought about Jane, she deserved to sleep by herself for one night. "You're right Angela. I'm exhausted."
Angela gently placed a kiss atop of Maura's head before bidding her goodnight and leaving for the guesthouse.
'Just one night' Maura thought to herself as she entered the dark and lonely bedroom. 'Everything will be ok tomorrow' she told herself as she got into the cold and suddenly large empty bed. Thoughts of Jane flowed through her brain. Her smile. Her laugh. Her husky voice. Her loving touch. It had only been a few hours without her but she missed her desperately already. 'Tomorrow will be better' she told herself once last time before drifting off to sleep.
Jane had drunk herself to sleep the night before. She knew there was no way she would be able to sleep otherwise. So when she was woken by a loud knock at the door, she was still a little hazy. She looked over at her clock. 8:04. "8 o'clock on a Saturday?!" She yelled as she reached the door. "What is wro..." She immediately stopped ranting as she opened the door to find Maura standing in front of her. Jane rubbed her eyes, unable to believe the beautiful vision in front of her was anything more than a dream.
"Can I come in?" Maura asked sweetly.
"Of course." Came Jane's quick reply. "How are you? Are you ok?" Jane asked, her face rife with concern.
"No but I believe I will be. Jane you sent your mother over to me last night."
Jane instantly worried about what her mother had done. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to send her mother to Maura. "What did she do to you?" Jane asked incredulously.
Maura couldn't help but giggle. Maura's giggle in turn caused Jane to smile so much it almost hurt. "I know I have no right to say this, but that is one of my favorite sounds in the world." Jane said lovingly.
Maura's heart raced. Jane had always known how to make her feel special. She decided to make no comment on Jane's statement, instead redirecting the conversation to where she knew it needed to go. "Jane, you told your mother about us, about everything."
"Yes I did. I told you I was going to be ready for you if you wanted me back so I knew I needed to tell my mother. It actually helped me a lot. She didn't abandon me." Jane started to cry. The past 24 hours had seen more tears expelled from her eyes than she thought had previously been shed in her life up to this point. Tears were now an old friend. "She doesn't think I am sick." Maura winced at the thought of Jane thinking there was something wrong with her. She wanted to interject and explain the fluidity of sexuality but Jane was opening up to her willingly. This was a rare occurrence, so she decided it best to remain silent. "She made me realise there is nothing wrong with loving you. I'm sorry I thought otherwise Maur."
Maura couldn't stand the distance between then any longer. She moved slowly towards Jane until their faces were inches apart. She gently placed a kiss on Jane's lips before stepping back slightly to look into Jane's eyes. "Your mother told me everything last night Jane. I just wish you would have spoken to me about it. I would have helped you."
"I know Maur. I need to work on my communication skills. I'm trying." She offered meekly.
"Look how far you have come already. You just explained your emotions without having being prompted to do so. You told your mother about us and I think you have accepted what we have. You said you would be ready when I wanted you back. You are ready and I want you back." Here goes nothing Maura thought to herself before pressing on with her question to Jane. "Jane Clementine Rizzoli, will you be my girlfriend?"
To be continued...