Chapter 3:
Klink sat in his office doing paperwork as he mulled over the events that happened at morning roll call. He could not but help to see something in his Senior POW officer's eyes when the crying he heard occurred. He felt as if the men of barracks two were hiding something from him, and no one, under any circumstances, hid anything from Colonel Klink. He pushed the matter aside and went back to his paperwork...Nope, it was still running through his thoughts. The kommandantl pushed his paperwork aside, not able to concentrate on it, and began wandering inside his mind. He tried to think of what the noise had possibly been. Was it an animal, he thought. No, there were hardly any animals around camp. The most that came by were squirrels, rabbits, birds, and occasional raccoons digging through the garbage cans for scraps of food. None of them would have made the noise he had heard earlier. He could not seem to think of a logical answer to his burning question, and it was beginning to consume him in whole.
Klink got to his feet, opened his office window, and looked out into the compound. He found exactly who he was looking for wandering around the compound and was determined to speak with him.
"Schultz! Get in here at once!" He bellowed.
He began pacing mindlessly through his office, his arms folded behind his back, when his sergeant of the guard bursted through into the office. He was out of breath from running so fast and gave a quick, sharp salute to his commander. Whatever Klink was upset about, Schultz could tell by the tone of his voice he was not happy in the slightest bit.
"I'm here, Herr Kommandant," Schultz said, huffing and puffing for a breath of air.
Klink snapped his head around and looked firmly at his second in command.
"Schultz, when we took morning roll call earlier, did you hear a faint noise coming from inside barracks two?" He asked.
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. It sounded very much like crying, Herr Kommandant," Schultz answered.
"Schultz, I can't help but think that Colonel Hogan is hiding something from me. Something that I just cannot figure out what it is."
"What shall I do, Herr Kommandant?"
Klink thought for a brief moment, then walked back over to his window and looked out at the prisoners. A lightbulb went on in his head when he spotted LeBeau watching Newkirk, Carter, and Kinch play a volleyball game with the other prisoners. He turned around and looked back at Schultz.
"Schultz, go talk to the cockroach. Try and see if you can't get him to talk. It could give us a major clue into what we heard this morning," Klink said.
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! It shall be done!" The sergeant replied.
"Diiiiiiissssssmiiiiiiiiiiiissssed," Klink cried, giving a salute.
Schultz saluted his commanding officer back and left the office without another word. Klink went back to his window and closed it. Still shaken with anxiety, he continued pacing around his office. He took in everything in sight carefully. From the many pictures of Adolf Hitler among his walls to the paint the walls were colored, he was captivated by them. But not for long; his thoughts went immediately back to Colonel Hogan. What was his American counterpart up to now? He was determined to find out the answer and finally take charge of the camp, showing the other prisoners just who exactly was in charge around here.
Schultz walked down the stairs of the Kommandantur's and casually made his way over to LeBeau. The little Frenchman was cheering for Newkirk, Carter, and Kinch's team. The German guard did not see Hogan outside near his men or anywhere in the area, for that matter. Curious, he continued making his way over to LeBeau and would see if he knew anything regarding the colonel's whereabouts.
"What are you doing?" Schultz asked, gesturing to the group of men ahead of him and LeBeau.
"Nothing, Schultzie; just watching mes amis play a little game of volleyball," the French corporal said, smiling.
"Where is Colonel Hogan? I do not see him anywhere out here."
"Mon Colonel is inside resting."
"Resting? Resting from what?"
"Wouldn't you be tired if you had to constantly deal with a bunch of men refusing to listen to you?"
"I do that now...LeBeau, I must ask you something. What was that little cry I heard this morning at roll call?"
"We told you, Schultz. Carter was tired and gets very emotional when he doesn't sleep well."
"Oh LeBeau, please. The Kommandant is ordering for me to report back with an answer. It will mean my life if I do not do as he tells me to."
"Alright, Schultz; we are hiding a newborn baby inside the barracks and are keeping her until London can send a submarine to pick her up and take her back to Great Britain for adoption."
"Oh...thank goodness. You had me worried there for a moment. Well then, I will just carry out my duties and return to…" Schultz stopped, his eyes widening and jaw dropping at the realization of what he had just been told. He turned to look back at the Frenchman. "Baby?" He asked, slightly concerned. "What baby?"
"You should see Colonel Hogan with her. I've never seen him so happy before in my entire life," LeBeau answered, with a grin.
"You're lying to me."
"Schultzie, why would I ever lie to you? I tell you Colonel Hogan is going to make a wonderful papa when the time comes."
"Time, time for what?"
"When the Colonel has a baby."
Before Schultz could ask another question, it was Newkirk's turn to sit out and let another prisoner, Private Kurt Jenkins, play for his team. The Englishman saw LeBeau and Schultz talking and decided to see what the two were up to.
"Hey yah, Schultzie? What are you and me mate Louis talking about?" He asked.
"The cockroach told me Colonel Hogan is inside the barracks with a newborn baby. Jolly joker, he is." Schultz said, trying to make himself not believe what he had just learned.
"Oh yeah, wanted some peace quiet, so he's inside. Oh Schultzie, before I forget; the Gov'nor wants yah to go into town and get these things from the store. Think you can handle it, mate?" Newkirk asked, handing the guard a blue, folded piece of notepad paper.
Schultz unfolded it, read it, and his eyes gaping again after seeing the bizarre list of items before him.
"What does Colonel Hogan want with diapers, formula, and baby clothes?" He asked. He was dreading to hear the answer he thought was coming. The German sergeant was now slowly becoming terrified of the situation at hands.
"For the baby. Gotta make sure the little tyke's got everything needed for living here," Newkirk answered.
"Colonel Hogan wants to make sure the baby has everything necessary here in camp." LeBeau chimed in.
"Hey Newkirk, it's your turn to come back in!" Jenkins cried, from the other sideline.
"Coming, mate," Newkirk called back, and he returned to the game.
LeBeau turned his attention back to the volleyball game, while Schultz began to silently hyperventilate. A baby? In Stalag 13? How? Why? Where? He now was certain this was no jolly joke. Both LeBeau and Newkirk had reported to him the same thing. This was anything but a joke.
"Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant! Kommandant Klink!" He shouted, rushing back to Klink's office.
Klink was sitting with a glass of Schnapps, his feet kicked up onto his desk while reading a girly magazine. When he heard the door open and looked up to find his senior sergeant standing there, like the flick of a switch he was throwing his magazine back into a desk drawer, quickly picked up a pen, and pretended to be examining a document.
"Schultz, what are you doing in here? Can't you see I'm busy?!" Klink exclaimed, shaking his fist holding the pen.
"Herr Kommandant, I spoke to the cockroach just as you said to," Schultz answered, his voice rattling.
"Not now, Schultz, not now; General Burkhalter is coming in six days, and I have about four hundred papers to go through and sign. Now diissssmiiissed."
"Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan is…"
"I don't care about him right now, Schultz; tell me later! Dismissed!"
Klink grabbed his glass and took a drink of Schnapps.
"Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan is having a baby!" Schultz quickly blurted out, before his commander had time to interrupt him again.
Klink spit his drink out of his mouth all over the floor. He coughed violently a few times before rising to his feet and glaring his sergeant straight in the eye.
"Colonel Hogan's what?!" He exclaimed.
"Herr Kommandant, I think he's…" Schultz looked around to make sure no one else was listening. Satisfied, he continued in a low whisper. "Expecting."
"Expecting," Klink said, smiling and nodding. It immediately turned to an angry frown. "Dummkopf, Colonel Hogan can't have a baby. He's a man. Men cannot have babies."
"Both Corporal Newkirk and LeBeau told me, Sir. I heard them with my own two ears!"
"And what else did you hear, Schultz? Did you hear that we were losing on the Russian Front, too?"
"That does not surprise me."
"Schultz!"
"Herr Kommandant, they said Colonel Hogan was happy and resting inside the barracks. They said he was very tired, and Corporal Newkirk gave me this list of items to buy and bring back to Colonel Hogan himself." Schultz continued, handing Klink to sheet of paper. The colonel grabbed the piece of paper, read through it briefly, and his eyes were suddenly as big as saucers.
"Diapers, formula, baby clothes, baby powder? Schultz, what is the meaning of all of this?!" He exclaimed. "Why would Hogan need all of this stuff?"
"I told you, Herr Kommandant; Colonel Hogan is having a baby. The cockroach even said that he will make an excellent father once the time comes," Schultz answered.
Klink's hands began to shake, causing him to drop the list to fall and land on the ground. He was trembling and even forgot to breathe for a moment. Klink walked back to his desk and collapsed into his chair, not able to process everything he had just been told.
"I don't believe this," he gasped. "Colonel Hogan is..." Schultz cut him off.
"I hear nothing, I know noooooothing!"
"Schultz, what am I going to do? I can't have an expectant father running around in my camp!...What will I tell General Burkhalter? I'm doomed; it'll be the Russian Front for me!" Klink cried. He almost instantly grabbed his glass of Schnapps and finished the whole thing in one gulp. "Schultz, we must confine Colonel Hogan from doing anything dangerous and anything from the public eye from this point onward. I intend that baby to have a safe and healthy arrival. Once it is born, we will put it up for adoption."
"Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan would never give his baby up for adoption. He will absolutely refuse."
"He will if he wants to spend the rest of his life out of the cooler."
"But what happens if General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter find out about this?"
"They won't find out about it if I have anything to do with it. Now Schultz, this must remain between you and I. No one else must know that Colonel Hogan is…" Klink gulped a knot in his throat. Just thinking about the idea made him on the verge of having a panic attack. "Expecting a baby."
Both Germans were taciturn before Schultz spoke softly.
"Won't the prisoners eventually notice, though?"
"Oh, shut up." Klink moaned.