Chapter 9:
Morning soon arrived, and after morning roll call had taken place, Klink had confined everyone to the barracks the minute General Burkhalter's car pulled into camp. As he gave the orders, he turned specifically to Hogan and looked directly in his eyes. His order was especially for him in order to not show his recent weight gain.
The kommandant was pacing his office like a mad man to the point where Schultz thought he was going to leave foot tracks in the floor. He was wearing his cap, trench coat, and leather gloves, clutching his swagger stick underneath his arm. Klink was filled with pure anxiety and fear of what he was going to tell his commanding officer if something came up. What if he wanted to check the barracks? What if he requested to see Hogan personally? His brain was running on overdrive and burning with questions. He just wanted this inspection quickly done and over with. The sooner Burkhalter was out of Stalag 13, the better.
"Schultz, what am I going to do? General Burkhalter will be here any minute now, and I have no idea what I'm going to say to him." The colonel whimpered.
"You could tell him the truth?" The fluffy guard remarked.
Klink snapped his head at Schultz with daggers in his eyes.
"Schultz, what kind of stupid suggestion is that? I tell General Burkhalter about Hogan, and it's all over. I will be sent to the Russian Front, and some incompetent fool will come take over my camp and ruin my perfect record."
"Herr Kommandant, what if he wants to check the barracks? You cannot hide Colonel Hogan from him if he wants to inspect the barracks. He will be very suspicious," Schultz said.
"Schultz, I'm doomed. Doomed, I tell you. General Burkhalter's going to have my head rolling for sure."
Klink's office door came to an open as the colonel himself was facing the other way. General Albert Burkhalter made his way into the inner office and stood in the door's entryway.
"Klink!" He commanded.
"General Burkhalter!" Klink gasped. He snapped around and quickly saluted the man, causing his swagger stick to go flying backwards and knocking over a glass tea kettle to the ground with a loud 'shatter'.
Burkhalter rolled his eyes and noticed the man before him shaking. He raised his eyebrow puzzled.
"Klink, you are acting more jumpy than usual. What's going on here?" He demanded.
Klink gave a light chuckle.
"I can assure you, Herr General, that nothing's going on here. Absolutely nothing whatsoever," he stuttered, trying to sound certain and assertive.
"Absolutely nothing, Herr General; not one little thing; Even with Colonel Hogan's…" Schultz was cut off by Klink, who was shaking his fist at the man.
"Schultz!"
The sergeant fell silent, cleared his throat, and went back to standing at attention.
Burkhalter eyed Schultz curiously, then returned his stare back to Klink.
"What about Colonel Hogan?" He questioned.
"Nothing, Sir; Colonel Hogan's just fine; right as rain, as you would say," the colonel said, ending with hopefully what sounded to be like a convincing chuckle. Burkhalter's facial expression remained hard and unamused, instantly making Klink shut up.
"Klink, I want to know what's wrong with Colonel Hogan, and I want to know immediately," he ordered.
Klink gulped again. He knew he could not keep it hidden anymore. If he did, he knew very well what Burkhalter would do in response. Unfortunately, after telling his commanding officer the news regarding his Senior POW, Burkhalter would do the exact same thing to him. He was starting to see snowflakes and a 'Learn to Speak Russian' dictionary in his very near future. He let out a shaky sigh.
"Alright, General Burkhalter; sit down," he whimpered. He hoped that if he was careful in how he worded the news, Burkhalter would let him off the hook for it. He highly doubted it would work, but it was worth a shot at least.
The big general sat down in the chair underneath a portrait of Hitler and looked his subordinate firmly in the eye.
"Klink, what's going on regarding Colonel Hogan?" He prodded.
"Well...you see, General," Klink chuckled, as he thought of what to say. "It's actually quite a funny story, to be honest."
"Klink...shut up and get to the point," Burkhalter said.
"Yes, Sir; getting to the point," Klink quivered. He took in a shaky breath, then continued with his story. "General Burkhalter, about a week ago, something happened here at Stalag 13. Now, I don't know how it happened, I don't know when it happened, most importantly I don't know why it happened. You see, General, I was taking morning roll call as usual, when I heard a faint crying coming from near barracks two."
Burkhalter raised an eyebrow quizzically.
"Crying?" He asked.
"Yes, Herr General; I ordered Colonel Hogan to tell me what the noise was and where it was coming from. He claimed it to be one of his men, Sergeant Carter, to be crying from being overly exhausted. Afterwards, I continued pondering my thoughts and decided that it was something more than that. I then sent Schultz to go over and talk to Corporal LeBeau to see if he could get him to say anything…" Klink paused mid sentence, swallowing another knot down. Pleading to the heavens he would not have to say anymore, he continued. "That's when...it happened."
"What 'it' do you speak of?" Burkhalter interrogated.
Klink swallowed a third knot growing in his throat, but it immediately returned. The moment he had been dreading had now finally arrived, and he was a nervous wreck regarding all of it.
"General Burkhalter, I believe...what I'm trying to say is...I...Colonel Hogan is...expecting." He finished, murmuring the last word to himself.
"I did not hear you, Klink." The general prodded.
"Colonel Hogan's having a baby, General Burkhalter...twins, actually." Klink quivered.
Burkhalter said nothing, but stared at him with gaping eyes. He was not sure whether Klink was ailing from a fever, or if the man had finally cracked under pressure. The kommandant himself did not know whether the general believed him and was trying to collect his anger before snapping at him, or he was so much shock over what he said he thought he had completely lost his mind.
"Klink, are you feeling alright?" Burkhalter finally asked.
The colonel did not answer. He was so light headed he thought he would lose consciousness at any moment.
"At the moment, I'm not so sure anymore, Herr General." Klink quivered.
Before Burkhalter could respond with anything, the office door again opened, only Hogan stepped in this time and looked back to his normal self.
"Kommandant, I need to speak with you," he said, walking towards his German counterpart.
Klink snapped his attention to Hogan, and a mix of fear and anger engulfed his once terrified eyes.
"Hogan, what are you doing here?! I ordered all prisoners to remain strictly in the barracks!" Klink stopped when he noticed his POW officer looked completely fine again. Hogan's belly was as flat as a table instead of being slightly swollen. No mood swings, no back pain, no strange craving for raspberries either. "Hogan...you look fine. What...when did...how did you…" Hogan cut off his flabbergasted captor.
"I faked the whole thing, Kommandant. Why in the world would you think I was expecting a baby? Two of them, in fact! Not only are they a violation of camp regulations and too dangerous to have around these parts of the area, but I'm a man. Out of all people, Sir, I surely thought you would not fall for such suspicions."
"Yes, Klink; I agree with Colonel Hogan...how did you believe such a preposterous assumption?" Burkhalter questioned, slowly rising to his feet.
Klink, being so overwhelmed with everything going on, felt his eyes roll back and collapsed to the ground unconscious. Hogan, Schultz, and Burkhalter quickly rushed towards him and knelt down besides the unresponsive man.
"Kommandant?" Hogan gasped, waving his hand over the colonel's face.
"Herr Kommandant, can you hear us?" Schultz asked, panicky.
Klink slowly fluttered his eyes open and came to after about thirty-seconds. He was helped into a sitting position with the help of Hogan and Schultz, but looked at all of them with agitation.
"I can get up myself, thank you very much!" He retorted, brushing his jacket off.
"You alright, Kommandant?" Hogan asked.
"I'm fine," Klink snapped back. He was furious with the fact that both Hogan and Schultz had just made him look like a complete fool in front of Burkhalter. He would be the laughing stock of the next four kommandants' Christmas parties. He turned his head towards his sergeant of the guard. "Schultz, I told you Colonel Hogan couldn't have a baby!"
"But Herr Kommandant, I..." Schultz was cut off by the German colonel.
"I don't care what you heard, the next time you hear Colonel Hogan is having a baby, forget about it!" He made his eyes to his Senior POW. "And you! If you ever have a baby in this camp, Hogan, I'll..."
"Kommandant, I don't plan on having a baby for a long while yet...unless you really want me to, that is," Hogan said.
"No!" Klink retorted, stomping his foot.
"Now that all of these shenanigans are out of the way, shall we begin the inspection, Klink?" Burkhalter asked, his patience wearing thin.
"Jawohl, Herr General. Follow me," the kommandant answered, picking up his swagger stick from the floor.
The two Germans walked out of Klink's office without another word, leaving Schultz and Hogan the only ones remaining. They turned to face one another, and Schultz spoke first.
"Colonel Hogan, I think the Kommandant is going to be upset about this for a very long time."
"Well, look on the bright side, Schultz," Hogan stated.
"What's that?"
"You have something to laugh about at the next kommandants' Christmas party."