19 – Things Break, But They Can Still Grow

"Talk to me," Rick softly begged as he continued to hold Michonne protectively. The sun had come up, and they hadn't moved. She had thankfully stopped crying, but she still wouldn't speak. "Please."

She squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to erase the images that haunted her. Why wouldn't they go away? "I'm so angry," she whispered hoarsely. "And I don't know why."

"It's okay to be angry. You should be."

"I don't wanna be," she sniffled. "But it won't go away."

"Because you've got it all pent up inside you," he said, moving his hand over her heart. "It'll just fester if you don't let it out."

"I don't wanna relive this."

"You're reliving it in your head," he knew. "Just talk to me. I'm here."

She took a deep breath and let her head fall back against his face. As much as she thought she didn't want him around, she felt so safe in his arms. Another reason she was so mad at him for abandoning her. "I'm still not sure how they got me," she finally intimated with a sniffle. "After you left… I gave myself a minute. I just cried for a minute and then I got up, went out towards the road so I could see better, and I was gonna head back for the church. But I remember running for some reason. Anger, maybe? Frustration. I don't know. But I just wanted to get to the road as soon as possible. And something felt so… I don't know… lonely when I got to it. It was so empty." She inhaled sharply again as he softly stroked her head. "I remember this overwhelming feeling of sadness in that moment. I guess because you leaving just reminded me that I have no one. I have no family left. You know, you have Carl, Sasha has Tyreese, Maggie has Glenn and Beth… I'm one of those without anyone."

"You have me," he said, hoping she would believe it. "Me and Carl and Judith… we're with you, Michonne."

"No," she shook her head. "You took them from me that night."

"I didn't."

"It felt like you did," she retorted as a fresh set of tears fell against her pillow. "And that's why I felt so sad. You reminded me that this… it isn't real. All you have to do is walk away and I'm alone again. I'm like a fucking orphan."

"Michonne, you have to know by now that this is your home," he said seriously, squeezing her hand. "We're your people, whether you and I are together or not."

"I know that now," she confirmed. She used her free fingers to wipe her face. "I knew it when they asked them my name and I gave them yours. But I was feeling sorry for myself that night."

"And you don't remember anything about how they took you?" he pressed. "Beth said they hit Sasha with their car."

"They might've hit me too," she shrugged against him. "I'm not sure. I just remember seeing a man and woman in dark clothing, and trying draw my katana. Obviously that didn't work," she simpered. "I have small flashes of things. One of them punching me. Slamming my hand against the car. I can't imagine I went down any way other than kicking and screaming. And before everything went black, I thought of you and I snatched off my necklace, hoping that would be enough for you to find me. That if you saw I didn't take my katana, and my necklace in the street, you would know I didn't leave on my own terms. That I didn't take the family albums."

He smiled sadly as he remembered explaining to her how he knew that Lori and Carl were all right. "You're a quick thinker," he marveled.

"Had to be."

She went on to explain how she woke up at Grady and the inane drama with Dawn and her officers. What they did to Joan, and why she immediately felt a connection to Noah. She told him about how Dr. Edwards seemed like a pretty good guy, and felt somewhat bad that she couldn't save him. But that he was complicit in so much of what went on, she wasn't sure if he deserved saving. But the biggest, most brutal thing that had happened to her, she couldn't bring herself to tell Rick. The situation with Gorman was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't let it out. Perhaps because she didn't want him to feel the same rage that she did. Or maybe she didn't want him to look at her differently. But she wanted to hold on to that one gruesome thread.

Rick, however, knew she was leaving out some part of the story. Noah had already informed him that she killed one of the officers herself, but he didn't miss the fact that she had been covered in blood the night they came in. He would have listened to her talk forever, but not if she was just going to say the things she thought he wanted to hear.

"What about the officer you had to kill," he decided to ask. There was no use in talking in circles.

Her grip on his hand tightened as she realized her secret was out. "What do you know about it?"

"I know you've got a face full of bruises and your shirt was covered in blood when I saw you. And it wasn't yours."

Her eyes closed again as she reveled in his touch. His warmth. She didn't say anything for a long time, trying to collect her rampant thoughts into words. Trying not to let her anger speak for her. And finally, she nodded, knowing she needed to let this out, too. "He tried to rape me," she whispered nearly inaudibly. She felt Rick nuzzle closer to her, his embrace tighter than ever. "The guy that took me. Gorman. Said he was gonna walk me outside… But I knew what it was before we even got down the hall. I probably knew what it was the second I met him, and just didn't take the time to really think about it. There was so much going on. But… he got me in that stairwell and I instantly realized I was gonna have to fight this man with everything I had. Or die trying." She felt a dampness on her neck and realized it was Rick's tears falling onto her. It took everything in her not to cry again. "Thanks to you, I didn't have to do too much fighting."

"Me?"

She nodded softly. "I had nothing to fight with. So while he was trying to take off my pants, I bit into his neck and I didn't let go until I felt his flesh in my mouth."

He lifted his head from the pillow to look at her face. To see if she was serious. He hoped not, as he knew just how horrific it was to kill Joe that way. He wouldn't have wanted her to go through that. But then, being raped would have been infinitely worse. He didn't know what to feel for her.

"I've never been so disgusted in all my life," she confirmed once he laid back down. "But he was either gonna die then or die later. And honestly, Rick, I'm not sure who I would be right now if I'd let that happen."

"It wouldn't have been about 'letting' it happen. Being attacked isn't something you can control."

"I know," she exhaled sharply. "And that's why I hated it so much. I had no control; I had no power. And I so desperately just want it back. I've always been that person – in control of my own choices, the direction I'm headed in. It's why I left the prison over and over again, so I could be on my own, where I was firmly in control of everything. And these fucking people," she said through gritted teeth. "They took that away from me."

"But they didn't," he offered in an attempt to be encouraging. "You're still here. They aren't."

"But I'm scared, and I'm angry, and I've completely lost control of… everything."

"Okay," he nodded understandingly. "They took your confidence. But there's no reason you can't come back from this."

Another rush of tears came up to the surface, and she pulled out of his embrace to sit up straight. "I'm so sick of being angry at you," she said, wiping her face. "But I don't know how to reel this in. I don't know how to keep facing disaster after disaster and keep smiling through it and pretending that I'm okay. That we're okay. This is not okay, Rick."

"It will be," he said, trying to comfort her. He placed his hands on her shoulders, but she instantly shrugged them off. So he left her be, and sat with his back to hers. "This isn't impossible, Michonne. It's not."

"How?" she pressed, staring blankly at the floor. "How am I supposed to still love you after all this?"

"Because you already do." It was his turn to sigh, exhausted by this fight. "Because I got there. Finally. You wanted me to catch up to you and your feelings, and now, here I am."

"Me?" she repeated incredulously. "I'm the one that caught feelings first?"

"That's not what I'm saying…"

"That's precisely what you said, when the fact is that you did all of this, Rick. You initiated this. You told me you didn't want me with anyone else. You got down on your knees and cried when you found me. How... I mean what did you think was gonna happen? Did you think our feelings would just… jog in place?"

He shook his head, even though she couldn't see him. "No."

"Then why would you fall in love with me and then run away?" That question plagued her more than any other, and he had yet to come up with a satisfying answer. "Being there for someone when they need you? That's all a relationship is. And somehow, you made me feel like I was asking for too much. When all I was asking for was you."

"And I'm sorry for that."

"And I'm sorry that it's too late," she returned quietly. "I can't do this with you."

"Fine," he said. He looked back at her nervously, knowing his tone was about to come off as combative. But he had nothing left to lose at that point. "I fucked up. I let you down. But I'm here now, aren't I?" He hopped up from his seat, needing to see her face. He came around to her side of the bed, and got down on his knees again, resting his hands on her lap. "Michonne, I'm here. And I'm willing to get in the dirt and cry with you and fight with you... whatever I have to do to make this right. Because you're right, I should've been there. I should've said the right thing. But I stumbled. I let pride get in the way of us. I fell flat on my face and I know that. But you have a part in this too, and that's to help me up when I fall. You have to be willing to fight for me too. Because if you let this define the rest of our lives? How does that make you any different than me?"

Her eyes were stinging from being so tired. Tired of being awake and tired of crying. But she couldn't take them off of him as she processed his passionate plea. Was he right? Was she failing them just as much as he had?

"When Hershel was alive," he went on when she didn't respond, "I told him about us. I told him that it was just sex, but I liked you. A lot. I told him how I hated when you were gone, because everything seemed a little bit darker. And every time you came back, I felt a little bit more complete. He noticed it too, that last time. When you came back after being away for a month? He said, 'You better be careful. It's starting to look a lot like love.' And I laughed, because I thought he was joking, but… he was right." He ran his fingers along her forearm, gently caressing the space just above her cast. "And I should've said it to you then, but I fell in love with you a long time ago, Michonne. And ever since you found me, losing you has been one of my greatest fears. You didn't deserve what I gave you. But there's no fucking way I'm walking away from you again."

She conjured up a genuine smile for the first time since the last time, and it turned into a small chuckle, realizing that she would have no choice but to accept his apology. He was literally on his knees, begging for forgiveness, when the reality was, he had already earned it. He hadn't given up, even when she had given him every reason to. "I'm in love with you too, Rick."

A stray tear rolled down his face as he brought her right hand to his lips to give it a kiss. Relief. "We're gonna be okay," he said softly. The two of them had said that many, many times before, to others and each other. But this was the first time he actually believed it. "Everything is gonna be okay."

"I hope you're right, Grimes. Because I'm not sure how much more I can take."

He didn't let go of her hand as he stared up into her eyes. "You're a diamond, Michonne. They can't break you."

"Shut up," she smiled again, trying to hold back her own tears. "And don't ever leave me again," she added. "You're not allowed to. Not even for death."

"I'm not sure I can make that promise," he chuckled.

"That's the only way I'm doing this. We're gonna go to Washington, and… I don't know what's gonna happen. But you don't get to die, and neither do I."

Their eyes locked on one another and he nodded, understanding that she was serious. That if they had any chance, they would have to put themselves out there, naked in all the things that scared them to death, and hope that they'd trusted the right person. And he would make that promise, if that's what she needed, to prove she was right to trust him. And he would keep it. "We don't die."

Michonne nodded back happily as she quietly came to the decision to give it another try. She had faced her biggest fears, and they'd practically kicked her ass. But Rick was right – she could come back from this. She would come back from this. She wasn't too far gone. She could stand up in her vulnerability. She would let him be her protection, and she would be his strength. The world would never stop testing them, but maybe they really would be okay if they had each other.

She let her hand rest on his cheek as she looked him in the eye and made him that very same promise. "We don't die."