A/N: Okay, what can I say? I'll start with I'm sorry for the delay...but between midterms, St. Patrick's Day, and birthday celebrations for both bffs and family members, I simply didn't have the spare time to devote to writing this. It's a shame I know, believe me, but that is the reality of real life and that's what we're livin' so..see what I did there? hahaha Wow, sorry bad joke. Alright y'all here's the deal, this second part, is going to be graphic and deal with adult themes that are considered to be for mature readers, 18 and older. So, proceed with caution and if you start reading and decide that it's not for you I won't be offended if you skip ahead. Another thing, I know that technically I should probably switch the rating to M, considering this is hardly the first time I'm writing scenes such as the one in this story.. refer to my other stories. (; However, when it's only such a fraction of the story as a whole I really don't want to go and change the rating because of one scene. Let me know if you think I should, I suppose, and if a number of you feel that I should change the rating then I'll change it at that point. Also don't be a stranger who just follows my stories and such drop a review let me know how you're liking or not liking what I'm posting. Just always practice common courtesy and if you have criticisms only post them if they're constructive. All mistakes are mine I am my own worst critic and editor, so any grammatical mistakes I take full responsibility for and I apologize for them. In true fashion, wine is my best friend here and not such a helpful editor. Whoops. Forgive me. Hopefully this doesn't suck, and the wait was worth it. As always, any similarities to other Deyna pieces out there is completely unintended and all rights and praise belong to those writers. Also songs used and lyrics used throughout this story do NOT belong to me they belong to their respective artists and company. Another warning, as I stated before there are may be a very sexually explicit scene(s?) so if you can't handle it skip over. And of course I do NOT own these characters or the show Nashville at that rate. Please enjoy!
-SparklingEnchantress
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Shrugging my shoulders I nod my head in response to his question dropping my purse to the counter, as I remove my coat and sling it over the arm of the couch.
"Sure, what are you fixin'?" My voice ponders while I round the island to get a better look at his definition of dinner. Upon seeing the jagged edges of an open lid exposing a can of spaghetti I raise an eyebrow at him. "That's what you want my help fixin'? Deacon that hardly passes for dinner."
The handle of a spoon sticks out of the can and he chuckles, "well, I wasn't expectin' company, so I was just gonna keep it simple..no need to go through makin' a big ol' meal just for one person. And for the record, this is a perfectly suitable dinner." Scooping out a spoonful of cold spaghetti Deacon shovels it into his mouth under my watchful eye smirking at me.
Shaking my head at him as sauce blotches around the corner of his lips I take a step closer to him. "Deacon, you're a mess..." retrieving a paper towel from off its roll, I turn towards the sink switching the faucet on and damping the coarse white paper. I use the corner of the wet towel and dab away the sauce, eyes fixated on one another's. And I am reminded that all it takes is one intense stare from his eyes and I feel as if my body temperature spiked about fifty degrees. The simple contact alone sparking that intangible feeling that is always there between us. I felt it when our bodies swayed closer to one another inside the circle at the Opry as we sang, and I can more than feel it now. Dropping the used paper towel to the counter my eyes watch him curious to what his next move will be.
He turns his head to the side, and his lips lightly brush against the inside of my wrist. The bristles on his face connecting with my skin as Deacon's full lips skim the tender flesh in a barely noticeable manner. Light enough to be mistaken for an accident, but the look that has captured his eyes tells me otherwise. We're truly tabling all the talking that we should be doing, and suddenly that fateful elevator kiss two years ago worms its way into my subconscious. Rayna I'm done talking. The taste of his kiss after a fourteen year drought was like finally being able to breath, I couldn't get enough. Even though I weakly protested I knew better and so did he. Although it hasn't been nearly as long since I last tasted his kiss my body is still itching to try it again.
Lacing his finger between the spaces of mine Deacon entices my body forward, following his blindly towards our our lips do the communicating . The countertop clearly no a suitable enough spot for our reunion. Once we reach our bedroom, I find that the decor has not changed since the last time I was here, since the last time I helped heave Deacon's lifeless body away. A gentle squeeze from his hand grounds me back to the this moment as our lips collide. We toss kisses back and forth becoming lost in each other with each long exhale and stolen breath. Tongues tangling, dueling, tasting as we reacquaint ourselves with one another's mouth. Things are escalating quickly which, to be honest, it is nothing new... we never could help ourselves. Reluctantly peeling my lips from his I make a breathy inquiry, "babe wait, are you sure you're up for this?" Resting a palm flat against his heaving chest my eyes bore into his reflecting concern.
"Oh yeah.." he says mischievously his undeniable grin sprouting over his lips.
"You sure?"
"C'mere…" pulling me flush against him, so I can feel him, growing rock hard and beginning to strain against the fabric of his boxers at my hip, I bit my lip to stop from letting out a childish squeal. He whispers against my lips, "let me show you how sure I am," and I melt into him feeling my panties dampen even more. After those words leave his mouth his arms swoop around me, lips crashing down hard against mine causing me to let out a surprised gasp into his mouth, which is only quickly silenced by his tongue. Our tongues twirl around one another's sparing playfully, dueling for the ultimate control of the moment that is. While our tongues are preoccupied my fingers work diligently on the buttons of his flannel and once it is laying open to me I shove the material off his shoulders.
Deacon takes his victory gladly as he gently eases me down on the bed shucking my tight skinny jeans from toned legs. My eyelids have fallen like dark shutters over my blue eyes, so I have to rely solely on my senses and I hear something thud carelessly to the ground before I can distinctly feel him. He slithers up the bed, and the only indication I receive that he is still actively there, is from his lips tracing lines up the inside of my legs. Slowly, Deacon's grabby hands wander along the smooth planes of my legs caressing his way until he reaches my hips hooking his forearms along with the dip of his elbows around where my legs connect to my hips. Tugging greedily he brings my body down the bed so that is more at his level. I don't have to even tip my head down to know what's going on as his breath hisses out and spills against me making me wiggle beneath him. Deacon takes pleasure in having me in such a vulnerable state and lightly skims his fingers against me, as if testing the waters. Gently he places a hand on my abdomen and applies slight pressure which encourages me to fall back. Ultimately completely opening myself up once again for him.
I lean back, feeling my body sink into the mattress slightly before his calloused fingers strum against me gently parting sensitive folds of flesh. Feeling completely open, and exposed to him I squirm slightly as he blows lightly against me before his lips plant a kiss to my lower lips. Trailing away from my core he dots kisses all the way to the junction of my leg, where it connects to my hip, before dragging his lips slowly down the inside of my right thigh. His teasing has always been nothing short of delicious but I can't help but feel the urge to want to speed this along. I want him, that much is more than clear and I want him now. But as he drags his lips slowly up the inside of my legs I know that he is willing to prolong this for as long as physically possible.
The weight of his body presses down into mine, my fingers fisting through his hair as he skims his hands up my sides slowly bunching of the material my my sweater before tugging it over my head and pitching it aside. His eyes change color slightly as he gazes down at me in just my bra and panties, it's as if he's seeing me this exposed for the first time, it causes the heat to flush my cheeks. I can feel myself only getting more wet, more ready for him. Subconsciously my pelvis rises in excitement craving his touch, his lips, his tongue more than ever. In true fashion Deacon reaches around behind my back and snaps my bra apart in one fluid motion eagerly shoving the unpadded cups aside and covers one of my nipples with his mouth. His teeth tug back on it hard and cause me to weave my fingers through his hair and pull back on it as a sensation shoots through my body. Oh, he most certainly awoke the beast, and she wants to be feed...now.
After he relieves me of my bra Deacon continues to play, his tongue swirling around my nipple his lips smirking against against the fatty tissue of my breasts as he feels the nipple harden against his teeth and continues to tease me by sucking, nipping, and tugging at the sensitive nub before silently moving to the other. While he continues his game of pleasure I can't help but eg him on, cupping my breast my own hand kneading the flesh as he works his magic with his lips. And through ragged breaths we come to an understanding, this me helping him, it's hot as fuck, and it's turning the both of us on. Painfully slowly his fingers move into my panties and he strokes my sex. Long thick fingers glide easily against my wetness, and I buck up into the heel of his hand, throbbing for all of him. God, it has been far too long. How in the hell, did I ever live without his touch?
"Oh," he whispers his voice husky and laced with desire and maybe a hint of wonder, "baby, you're so wet." Rubbing his fingers against me he smoothly inserts one finger moving it inside of me as gazing up at me affectionately. My breathing hitches as I feel him touching me, and all too soon he removes his finger and licks it off. However, his next move is not one that I have to ponder for too long because he slides down on the mattress and his teeth rip away the unnecessary fabric that had been standing in our way before. Not wasting anytime his lips kiss my lower lips making me quiver beneath him as he slowly, expertly wedged his tongue inside of me.
"Ah," came out of my mouth in a breathy exhale as he continued to move inside of me with no sign of stopping. The contours of his tongue explored me in places that had been dominant for about the last year and my body felt as if it had just experienced a reincarnation of sorts. Deacon ever so reluctantly slid his tongue out of me, head tipping back to find my eyes just as his mouth latched onto clit and he began his assault, suckling and massaging the bundle of nerves with his tongue until I gave him. With each glide of his tongue I could feel my willpower waning and while I was still thinking, somewhat clearly I gently pulled on his hair and moved his face away from my core. Sliding up onto the bed his lips join mine and I can feel his hunger for me. I've missed this, the frantic I've gotta have you now stage of sex. If I'm being real honest with myself I've only ever had that kind of sex with Deacon, I've never felt such heady desire with anyone but him. Always.
Eying each other between a break for air we silently try to agree on how best to proceed, not giving him a second option, I tear down the zipper of his jeans which causes him to step up. Deacon quickly sheds both his jeans before joining me on our bed, our eyes hold one another and no words are needed. Lips mesh naturally and I slowly swing my leg over his hips taking the initiative and straddling his waist. I can feel his hard member against me and my mind goes haywire.
All the studies in the world could stress that size doesn't matter, and maybe they're right, but in my own personal experience, at least, in the case of Liam it had made all the difference. Luke had been an acceptable size, I guess, but it could be said that he had other skills which compensated for his lack of inches. And then there was Teddy bless his heart, for the life of me, I can't believe I made it through a fourteen year marriage to him. The only times I ever got off, achieved an orgasm, was on my own with the aid of my trusty vibrator and a delicious imagination. An imagination that so vividly would remind me of Deacon, and his unbelievable size, the girth and length enough to make my panties soaked. Slowly, meticulously, my fingers fold down the waistband of his boxers inching the cotton off him and freeing his erect penis. Upon seeing him in all his naked glory I can feel the saliva in my mouth building up and a brand new warmness expanding from my core and setting the entirety of my body ablaze with a heightened desire for him.
Repositioning myself, Deacon helps guide me as I slowly ease myself down onto him. My eyes close as I feel my body react to him after so long, walls contacting, expanding in order to accommodate him as he burrows deeper inside of me. When I finally open my eyes I find his lips making the perfect O shape as he exhales and I am over the moon that he is enjoying this just as much as I am. His hips flex up and my hands curve around his shoulders bracing myself of his movements having already predicted them.
Keeping a leisurely pace I move up and down on him, feeling him stretch me while hips grind together here and there when the rhythm connects. Towering over him, being the one in control of the pace of our sex for the time being is exhilarating, being able to either cater to his every whim or squash it, is in a twisted way empowering. I love the man below me so much that if this type of small role reversal gets his blood pumping, keeps him alive, well I am all for it. Deacon's palms clutch either side of my hips as he thrust up into me sharply. Yelping in response to his most recent assault, I tip my head back my hand softly caressing up my body until it cupped my right breast and squeezed on to it while continuing to move against him.
The moment my hand covered my boob, I hear Deacon involuntary groan as his hips worked against mine in a counter rotation as he thrusted himself up into me deeply. "Fuck baby," he mutters out his voice sounding strained as he continues to move against me our bodies working against one another for a moment before sinking into a perfect tempo. I move, up and down, again and again, sometimes surprises him and rotating my hips, either in a simple circular motion or in a figure eight motion. Again, and again my vaginal walls slide along him building my pleasure higher and higher.
Opening my eyes I tip my head down, auburn hair cascades around my face and Deacon quickly sweeps it aside before covering my lips with his as we continue to move together. After his lips leave mine I stare directly into his navy orbs as I trail my hand between our bodies that are joined together and working in some kind of symmetry to achieve that desired peak. My index and middle finger wiggle between our conjoined bodies and slide over my hypersensitive bundle of nerves. Letting out a staggered breath my fingers glide through the small patch of coarse pubic hair rubbing against my clit as my legs help me move up and down against him. I'm just about there, and when I feel him plow into me with hard thrust I know he won't last much longer. With another sharp thrust his finds himself deeper inside of me and I can't seem to catch my breath. "Uh...ahh, fuck...baby." Comes out in pleasurable moans as my fingers continue to stimulate my clit while our hips crash against one another's.
Gazing down at him the fingers on my free hand thread through his brown mop and tug back on it so that our eyes lock with one another's. His pupils are glazed over and the hold mine for just a moment before they travel down to what my own fingers are doing to me. Feeling the width of his fingers imprint themselves against my hips as he drives into me fast and erratic, to say the least, is delicious and almost enough to elicit my unraveling. The loud moan that spills out of his mouth is merely icing on the cake, and I find myself submitting to him, my breathing inconsistent as the weight of my body crashed down against his.
Within seconds it seems he gives in himself, crying out as dull nails scratched a path down my back as he found his release and let go completely slumping into me. I feel dizzy from the passion and yet I also have the urge to just ravage him all over again. That was quick and it could've lasted longer, hell I remember the lazy Sundays when we used to literally stay in bed all day long doing nothing but worshipping one another's bodies. Man, those were the days. Now, it was as if everything was on hourglass time and we had to make sure we beat that final grain of sand. Laying against him I can feel his fingers lazily combing through my hair as we both try to regain our regular breathing.
"Babe," scratches off the back of my throat while the fingers of my left hand comb through the small, barely noticeable, patch of hair that resides on his sternum.
"Hmm?" Rolls so eloquently off his tongue eliciting me to prop my head off his chest with my right hand and finding his eyes lazily watching me.
"Please don't run away anymore." As the words leave my mouth I barely recognize my own voice, it's laced with desperation and something else. Anxiety? Worry? I'm not sure. Laying against him I gather the sheet around my chest bunching the material into my palms.
"Darlin'-" the term of endearment familiar on his tongue.
"Deacon, I'm serious...this is it, no more runnin'. Do you know how much it hurts when you do that? When you leave me like that?" Glancing down tears blur my vision momentarily as I blink them away. "It hurts like hell, and it hurts just as much as it did the first time you ever did it." My voice cracks by the time I reach the end of my tangent as I'm blindsided briefly by the memories.
It was a scorching summer day and we had some time to kill before our show outside the stockades later, so we walked alongside one another fingers interlaced as we took in the commotion at the Texas State Fair. Everything truly was bigger in Texas. From the fried food dangling helplessly on sticks, to the cowboy hats, to the oversized beer and lemonade cups, everything was bigger in Texas. Everything. The frayed edges of my cutoffs begin to stick to my thighs as we walk through the congestion of the fair grounds. Our palms losing their grip on one another as the sweat builds, and slowly I release his hand from mine offering him a sideways glance. Deacon smirks slightly bumping his slick shoulder against mine before swerving toward the left as a beer tent comes into view. Aimlessly trailing after him, we weave through the crowds of people and squeeze our way to the counter. Deacon nods to the barkeep and lifts two fingers to the air, I watch as she nods and scampers away not bothering to check ID for either one of us. When the bartender returns her hands are carrying two tall plastic cups of beer. The top of the golden liquid is licked with white foam that spills down the side of the see-through cups.
Collecting both cups Deacon hands one to me and I carefully accept it, doing my best to look as if this is normal. The foam dribbles down the side and glides over the ridges of my fingers causing me to switch hands as I shake off the sticky liquid. Deacon tips his oversized cup back, gulping down a quarter of the beer contained in the cup in the first drink. It seems silly to me to be drinking alcohol in this weather, knowing that it will only dehydrate me, so I opt to take tiny sips and enjoy watching the people around us. I briefly think that maybe I'll even be able to convince Deacon to ride the ferris wheel with me. One beer turns into four and then five, for Deacon at least, and much to my dismay we stay in the beer tent nearly the whole time, using up all of our free time. After I get him to follow me to the stage where we're scheduled to play in less than an hour's time, he chugs down some more beer from his oversized cup before lighting up a cigarette. Deacon blows the smoke in my face then takes another swig from his plastic cup, finishing off the beer that was left there. Once his beer is polished off Deacon begins to alternate between taking drags from his cigarette and digging through his stuff in search of something.
Letting out a victory yelp Deacon produces a bottle of cheap whiskey from his bag. Uncapping the bottle he dumps a sizeable amount into the plastic cup then caps it back up returning it to his bag. My eyes watch him as he inhales the smell of the whiskey before letting out a laugh and drinking down some of the amber colored liquor. He's scaring me, I've never quite seen him like this before. Or maybe I never paid attention this closely because I too was under a haze of alcohol.
"Hey babe, don't you think maybe you've had enough?" I question curiously, finally stepping in, my arms twisting around him, carefully reaching for the plastic cup that his hand is clutching.
Deacon swats my hand away and shrugs out of my embrace his voice icy, "no, I don't and I don't need you to babysit me...let alone to count my drinks. I know when enough is enough Rayna. "
My eyes flare, this is a Deacon I've never seen before, pushing me away, talking to me like that, is jarring. "Fine," whispers off my lips as I brush past him, "I'm gonna go get ready." I don't wait for him to say a word and wander off through the swarms of people making my way to the bathroom blinking rapidly trying to keep the hot tears from falling. Gazing at my reflection in the cracked dusty mirror I sweep the small wisps of hair off my sweaty forehead and smile softly at some flamboyant over-sauced Southern Belle who bumped into me. Dabbing a paper towel across my forehead I wipe away the sweat that had built up over the course of the day and tried desperately to push down the other emotions that were reeking havoc on my insides. Using both hands, I gather all my loose curls off the back of my neck and tie my hair together in a ponytail. Puffing out my chest I come to the realization that my appearance is as good as its going to get and make my way out of the bathroom.
Sidestepping around drunks and fair-goers, that almost all donned cowboy hats, I approach the back of the small wooden stage and scrunch my nose up at the unmistakable smell of manure. Scuffing, I use the toe of my cowboy boot and kick a rock along the gravel path creating a little swirl of dust in its wake. Who honestly would stick around here, with that smell, and listen to some nobody from Nashville? Hillbillies, that's who…they were immune to the smell after all, God, maybe Daddy was right. Shaking my head my eyes stray away from the rock I was kicking and the smell of him, of alcohol, greets me before he does. The stench of whiskey and beer is overwhelming and I can already tell that the band members were not much help when it came to cutting Deacon off, from the looks of it they only encouraged him to drink more.
"Hey baby," he cooes as he slings an arm around my waist and pulls me closer. The moment he tries to plant a kiss on my lips I turn my head away so that he is rewarded with my cheek instead. "Aw, come on Ray," Deacon pouts as his body leans heavily against my own.
"Get off of me Deacon, you're drunk." Shrugging him off me I step closer to the side of the stage.
"Barely."
"Right," comes out hard and short, and I don't bother to lift my eyes to meet his. "Are you even gonna be able to play or should I have Danny step in for ya?"
"I can do it Rayna!"
"Fine, don't screw up, I swear to God Deacon...if you mess this up…"
"What Rayna, what are you gonna do? Huh? Fire me?" A hearty chuckle erupts from his mouth as he shakes his head, wiping a hand over his mouth. "Ha if you did that babe, you'd have to find yourself a new guitar player and I got news for ya darling...I'm the best there is, and not just the best guitarist, but also the best you- " at this point his speech is slurring together slightly, and his arms are flailing around in gesture almost knocking himself over in the process as he swaggers toward me.
"You know what, maybe I will…" exhaling loudly I shake my head cutting him off before he can finish his statement. Partly because I know what he's gonna say, that he's the best I've ever had, the only one I've ever had, and I simply don't need that. Glaring up at him more words string themselves together and tumble out of my mouth. "I can't deal with you when you're like this...God, why do you have to be such an ass?"
"An ass you love." He declares fingers wrapping around my arm preventing me from walking away from him.
"No, I don't love this version...the one that doesn't know when enough is enough, the one who picks fights just for the hell of it. No, Deacon, I don't love this version, not one bit." Tearing my arm away from him I make my way towards what would be considered the right wing of the stage. His clumsy movements give him away, as he straps on his guitar and slides up alongside of me. I swear I got a contact buzz the moment he stumbles up next to me, the smell is so strong, people would probably assume he bathed in booze. And to be frank, at this point, they probably wouldn't have been too far off base.
"I'm sorry." His voice surprises me it almost sounds sober, but then the smell of stale beer hits me like a thousand pound dumbbell and I am instantly reminded that he's not.
"Yeah."
"Ray, baby, hey...look at me." Urges Deacon and the desperation in his voice nearly breaks my heart. Tipping my head back blue eyes meet, large bloodshot and red rimmed, ocean irises and he steps forward making me silently gasp as his hand curves over my hip bringing our bodies closer. "I'm sorry I was being an ass, but I won't mess this up, I swear...I'm not drunk. I can do this!"
"Okay, well...we'll see how you do out there."
"I love you, Rayna, always. And I ain't gonna do anything to jeopardize this chance you've got here."
"I love you." My voice returns the sentiment and Deacon beams down at me his eyes meeting mine expectantly, "always." Whispers out of my lips before his capture mine.
Our kiss is cut short as one of the radio hosts at the station that has been advertising this little show introduces me to the stage, I watch for a moment as Deacon and the rest of the band filter onto the stage taking their places. Deacon falters ever so slightly, and to the untrained eye one would think that it was simply nerves, but I know better. Once his fingers began to strum the first bar of the intro leading the band into the first song on our set list I strut onto the stage walking in sync to the beat that is thumping through the air.
Glancing out to the small audience that has gathered around I know that no one is really there for the music, which is more than disheartening. Instead they are here to see some well endowed barely legal girl prance around the stage in cut offs and a tank top. Doing my best to ignore the fact that probably no one is there for the music, I play my set flawlessly, through a chorus of drunken slurs and demands to show my boobs.
After the show is over my eyes frantically search through the sea of people milling around looking for any sign of Deacon. Normally, after we finish our set, together the band packs up the equipment and loads it up before running off to do anything else. This time though the band is one short, Deacon fled and my eyes can't find him anywhere. "Hey Tom, have you seen Deacon by chance?"
"Nah, sorry Rayna...he tore outta here pretty quick."
"Damnit! Why would he do that?" I mutter under my breath, more so to myself than anyone else, as I lean down and collect a guitar case awkwardly, trying to pick up the slack that's weighing the band down in light of Deacon's absence.
"Beats me." Tom comments with a shrug of his shoulders as he relieves me of the guitar case and carefully stows it away in the cargo van.
Biting my tongue I refrain from telling Tom that I wasn't exactly talking to him and go back to scanning the crowds of people relentlessly for Deacon. Silently walking away from the band as they load the last few items into the van my eyes dart over every nook and cranny. Where did he go? Making my way back towards the beer tent we'd sought refuge in earlier in the day, I brush past people, ignoring cheesy pickup lines tossed my way, as I search for Deacon. In a sea of people, I was all alone, and I found it amazing how I could feel so alone, when so many other people buzzed around me with stories locked away inside of themselves. It was as if my entire world paused in it's rotation. He left me. I was totally and completely, alone. Devastated. What the hell? My heart cracks a little inside my chest as I inhale sharply and dare the tears to fall. Alone. What did that even mean? I realize that I'm not quite sure what it means, he'd been by my side for so long that I am petrified to discover what alone truly means.
The novelty of the party scene is becoming less than appealing as I claw my way through crowded beer tent, after crowded beer tent in the hopes of finding Deacon. He had told me he loved me before we went on stage, where had he disappeared to? My mind is racing with possibilities that I don't give voice to. Deacon is still alive; he is okay; these are the phrases that I choose to continuously repeat to myself as my burning eyes survey and resurvey every inch of the fair grounds coming up empty handed. Every. Single. Time.
"Hey hey...babe," Deacon says softly his hand gently tipping my chin upward as he breaks me out of my memories. Grounding be back down to earth, to this moment, in our bed. "I'm not runnin' anymore, Ray I swear, I'm all in...it's you and me and those sweet girls." He basically echos his proposal causing me to shiver at the memory of his lips against my ring finger, my wrist, our foreheads pressed against one anothers, his breath mixing with mine.
Nodding to his statement silence lapses between us while I distractedly trace the lines of his chest, he's thinner than I've since him in recent years, and his pale skin now has a slight yellowish pigment to it. Skin and bones exposed in this light allows me to see just what this cancer is doing to him. How had I been so blind? He had been deteriorating for weeks, possibly months and I hadn't noticed.
"No more runnin' for you either?" Chimes Deacon and now it's more real than ever to me that nothing but his cancer stands between us. Nothing. He's clean, he's sober, there's no more whiskey and pill fueled fights, there's no more secrets, this is it..we've made it; we may have taken a detour here and there but it led us to right here in our bed, in my dream house. It almost felt as if we traveled back in time
"No more runnin'..I promise." Blue eyes meet blue eyes and I watch them, they're clear, pupils dilated as he gazes down at me longingly. The severity of our commitment is not taken lightly by either of us.
"I promise." He agrees quietly as he thumbs the silver band that's dangling on a chain around my neck keeping my fused heart pendant company. "You're it for me Ray, no more runnin' when things get tough.. and no more secrets, this is it."
"We're gonna get through this, together..you're gonna beat this cancer Deacon, just like you beat your alcoholism." I declare firmly pushing myself up off him and leaning back against the pillows propped along the headboard.
"Ray-" his voice begins to protest probably not wanting to give either me or himself any false hope.
"No.." shaking my head in counter protest I hold the sheet against perky breasts fixing him with a look. "Deacon, listen to me...we-you can do this, you can survive. You have to...I couldn't bare it if-" The mere thought of losing him overwhelms me, and I can't help the tears that quickly leak out of the corners of my eyes. Curving my hands over my tear stained face as I let the emotions run rampant through me, realizing for the first time that I bottled them up for the last several days. The reality of his condition finally crashes down on me, hard. Burying my tear stained face in between two palms, ten fingers curve over my forehead flirting with the stray hairs tickling them.
Tears pour out of me, salty drops of water chasing their way down my cheeks, telling a tale of a reality I've been hiding from. A harsh reality that I haven't quite come to terms with yet seeps out of my pours rattling my bones. The thought of being alone, for real, is something I can't even fathom. A hopelessness sinks my heart into my stomach as I'm reminded of just how being left alone like that feels. It's a feeling I don't want to endure day in and day out for the rest of my life, no thank you. Using the sheet that's swaddling my body I dab away the tears just in time for more to take their place. Feeling his weight shift on the mattress, I don't have to look up through a blur of tears to know what it'll be followed by, two calloused hands cupping themselves around my hips.
"No. Babe...just-" mumbles out of my mouth weakly as he attempts to bring me closer to him. The tears are still quickly making tracks down my cheeks with no inclination of stopping. Anticipating his move I resist his embrace palms pushing back against his bare chest. Feeling my resistance causes his hold to wane briefly until he tightens his grip and draws my body into his. Melting into him, I vaguely register us tumbling back against the mattress. Two strong arms hold my body in place against him, legs tangled together beneath fraying sheets, as his lips whisper reassuring words and his fingers stroke my hair lovingly. Eventually the combination of his efforts pays off and the tears give my cheeks a break, allowing me a chance to catch my breath.
We lay there in silence, for I don't know how long. The only sound that penetrates the quiet is an occasional hiccup that bubbles out of me. My body solidly covers his, fingers soothingly combing through my loose waves, as my ear presses against his chest. Deacon's heartbeat echos back to me in strong thuds and I close my eyes allowing it to calm me before another hiccup escapes between chapped lips. I'm not quite sure just how long we lay there, but after an insurmountable amount of time his voice resonates through the room.
"I don't know about you but I'm starvin'," comments Deacon, his voice warm as he tries in vain to redirect my, our, thoughts. He strokes back a wayward strand doing his best to tame my hair as he smiles down at me.
"Worked up an appetite did ya?" Is my playful response, choosing to follow his lead with our conversation redirect.
"Somethin' like that...didn't you darlin'? "
"Hmm, yeah actually I did." Agreeing with him I rub a hand over my abdomen as it rumbles in the air between us. We share a look and both burst into a fit of giggles. Once we catch our breath Deacon shakes his head at me before planting a kiss to the tip of my nose.
"Well whatcha in the mood for baby?"
"Anything but spaghetti from a can." Drops from my tongue in a nonchalant yet playful manner, a subtle jab at his choice of dinner before I showed up.
"Oh really?"
Suddenly his fingers are dancing up and down my sides tracing them, tickling them, as he flips us over so that his body is pinning mine down against the mattress. "Yup," is my choice of reply as I remain firm on my opinion that spaghetti from a can is no substitute for the real thing.
His warm breath is spilling against my face, his lips inching closer to mine narrowing the gap. As his lips connect with my awaiting lips he peppers short pecks against them before rolling off of me and retrieving his boxers from the floor. Stepping into them, one leg at a time, my eyes glaze over ever so slight as I watch the muscles in his back flex. Our eyes lock, and he smirks back at me letting me know for certain that I have been caught staring. Glancing down to the sheet covering my body I shrug my shoulders feeling the heat creep up into my cheeks coloring them I'm sure a light shade of pink. Flinging the sheet off my body I practically leap from our bed as I hurry around the foot of the bed and collect Deacon's flannel. As I slide my arms through the sleeves I feel his eyes watching me, in what I am sure is amusement. Starting at the bottom of his shirt my fingers work their way up the buttons. Once I'm sufficiently dressed, I tilt my head back and find his eyes already on me, trailing up my from barefeet, to my legs, to where the flannel cuts off before following the line of buttons with his eyes until he finally reaches my eyes. Stepping forward Deacon hooks his finger into the flannel popping the top couple buttons open.
"Better."
Raising an eyebrow up at him I smirk slightly and then brush past him, "yeah? Well, now that my wardrobe is fixed... let's go make somethin' to eat, I'm starvin'!"
##
After raiding the cabinets and the fridge we plunge into a bit of light-hearted bickering. When we finally settle on what to make for dinner then together we create a delicious home cooked meal that is ten times better than anything from a can. Opting to sit at the kitchen island we make our plates then take our respective spots on the stools. Dinner is endured through light conversation as we both avoid mentioning the big c. Once we both finish our food silence swallows the room. Fidgeting with my finger I glance up at Deacon as he rises from the stool next to me and collects our dirty dishes placing them in the sink. "Does your sister know?" My voice broached it had been something that was on my mind considering he kept me in the dark for so long.
"Yeah, Beverly knows." Deacon says shortly a hint of contempt seeping through his tone as he directs his eyes toward the ceiling.
"And...what? She just doesn't care that her brother is... sick?" I finally get out choosing my words carefully. The reality that he could die is not one I am willing to vocalize, even though I know it's highly likely.
"Scarlett called her and she came to Nashville took the test and it turns out she's a match and she could be my donor but.." his voice trails off dwindling to nothing as his eyelids clamp over his eyes and he shakes his head.
"So, she's condemning you to death, for what? Cause her daughter would rather live with you than her?"
"I don't know Ray, she's got her reasons...besides, I ain't askin' for her, or anyone I love to save me like that." Informs Deacon stressing the word anyone and making his position on this matter known. I could protest, but there's no point he's made up his mind; however, I'm sure and he knows good and well that I'll be damned if I accept that. There is nothing I would do for him, and I know the same goes for me.
"I was gonna take a shower...care to join me?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Ray, what's wrong?"
"I-I just, I need to digest all this I think, so I'm just gonna hang out here and wait for you."
"Okay," he says softly before slinking off towards the bedroom disappearing into the bedroom.
Blue eyes scan through the glass doors taking in the darkness that is blanketing the yard. The moon is high in the sky surrounded by a thousand stars and reflecting down on the water making it glisten as the water laps at the edges of the bank. Tugging on the cuffs of Deacon's flannel I shrug further into the plaid relishing in the warmth it is affording me. I don't know how long I stood there gazing out at the lake, desperately trying to void my mind of everything, and doing my best to keep the memories that were caged in this house, these walls, locked firmly away. Today, right now, is not the time to get overwhelmed by the painful moments that would forever be apart of the paint chipped walls, frayed blankets, and off centered picture frames.
Finally tearing my eyes away from the glittering moon whose beams were glistening off the lake, in the distance, I turn towards the bookshelf that housed a portion of Deacon's vinyl collection. As I slowly walk past, I tentatively reach up, the pads of my fingers brushing against the bindings of the worn cardboard covers. Pushing up on to my tip toes, my body leans against the sturdy wood of the book shelf, and slides records aside until I find the one I am in search of. His signature grin smiles up at me, and the name that I'll breathe out on my final breath is scrawled across the top of the faded cover. A sad smile stretches my lips into a tiny curve as I wipe off the dust that has collected on it. I carefully slide the vinyl record out of the pocket. All the songs on this record had accumulated over a wide span of time, and to my delight mostly all of them were inspired by me.
Walking over to the record player my fingers gently lift the arm before placing the record in place. The disk starts to spin on the turntable, and the arm drops to the outer edge of the black vinyl record. There's a brief pause before his voice filters out and fills the entire room. I close my eyes for a moment listening to the words, and try as I might, memory after memory beings to roll back into the forefront of my mind.
I thought you were just being a girl
The kind that just wants to change me
Likes to fight all night long
Thought I had you figured out
I told myself she's crazy
Man, was I ever wrong
The whole time you were just trying to love me
"Hey babe, so what's the plan for tonight?" My voice calls to Deacon whose tuning his guitar on the couch in the living room.
"I don't know, I was just gonna hang with Vince and the guys maybe write some music, or go out hit up Lower Broadway maybe Tootsies or The Stage."
"Maybe you guys should just stay here?" I pose it as a question on purpose, sure, I want them to stay where I can keep an eye on them, but I don't want to give him the impression that I don't trust him. "That way I'll know you're safe." I say softly a smile at him after I finish putting away the dishes.
"Rayna, listen, I can go out...I don't have a problem with alcohol, okay...so just leave it."
Wiping my hands off on a towel I drape it over the drying rack shrugging in response to his declaration, "okay." Moving around the kitchen I finish cleaning up the mess that we made with dinner and then make my way into the living room. Settling on the couch next to Deacon I try to pay attention to whatever feature film is playing across the television set but it wasn't working, my mind has strayed elsewhere. There's a knock on the door and Deacon jumps up from next to me to answer it. I didn't have to get up to know who it is, and as much as I adore and love Vince, as a friend of course, I know that his influence on Deacon is not good. We regard each other in a civil manner and as I go to excuse myself so that they can have a bit of privacy Vince stops me.
"Where ya runnin' off to RayRay?"
Stopping in the middle of the living room I shrug my shoulders, "I just figured y'all might wanna write without me hoverin' around."
"Nonsense, you always have the better ideas between the three of us."
"He's right babe," Deacon chimes in setting three cans of beer onto the coffee table in front of the couch.
My lips are pull into a smile as I slowly sit back down on the couch collecting one of the beers and cracking it open. Vince flips the clasps on his guitar case up and takes out his wooden friend. He opts to sit on the floor across from the couch and Deacon resumes his place next to me. Once all three of us are situated inspiration flows easily as we bounce ideas back and forth between one another. Two hours and half a case of beer later we have wrote one solid song and that's enough for Vince for one night who begins to badger Deacon into going out on the town with him. Finally, he caves and after brushing a kiss to my lips and forehead Deacon follows Vince out the door.
In most cases having the while house to yourself would be a dream come true, but it's making me restless. Switching on the TV set I give myself background noise to my clock watching. My eyes watch the hands tick away time and when that only serves to make me more anxious I turn the television off and retreat to our bedroom. Stripping out of my clothes from the day, I shrug into one of my favorite t-shirts of Deacon's climbing between the sheets. The shirt is drenched in his scent and it gives me peace of mind. Finding my novel on the bedside table makes me smile, I reach for it and settle back against the pillows flicking through the crisp pages until I reach the bookmark wedged between the paper.
For awhile it proved to be a good distraction until something reminded me of Deacon. After that, all bets were off and my eyes read and re-read the same paragraph an obscene amount of times. Upon catching myself re-reading the same sentence and realizing that I haven't comprehended any of it I give up and place the book back into its place. Flipping the light off I lay in the darkness praying for sleep to claim me. I lose track of time as I lay there, and I'm not entirely sure when the drowsiness becomes too much for my tired eyes, but eventually, I free fall into the darkness and fall asleep.
Around 3:30am, a call scares me out of a fitful sleep. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I collect the receiver off the base and mumble out,"hello". The response is one I've heard before, informing me that I have a call from a "Deacon Claybourne" who is an inmate at the Nashville detention facility. Our conversation is short and he doesn't offer any explanation or excuse for his actions, but I'm heated this was exactly why I wanted them to stay in. Throwing on my clothes in a haste I swipe my keys off the counter and tear outta the house. Part of me feels like taking my time to go bail them out, maybe they'd evaluate their choices the. I can't seem to hush my mind as I drive through the mostly empty streets.
Parking my car outside the detention facility, a nice word for a jail, I make my way through the doors and officers nod my way already knowing who I'm there for. Reaching the lobby I talk to the receptionist and hand over enough cash to cover both Vince and Deacon's bails. Once that is all taken care of I wait on a cold plastic chair in the lobby.
"Thank you so much Rayna! I'm gonna pay you back." Vince attempts to amend his lips skimming my cheek.
"You bet your ass you will!" My voice shoots back.
Deacon trails out behind Vince head bowed as he timidly looks at me, "I'm so sorry babe...Thank you-for ya know doin' this."
"Yeah," comes out of my mouth shortly as my eyes avoid his at all costs. "Come on let's go." The boys don't object as I lead us all out the door and to the car. Luckily Vince's place is on the way, so after starting the car up I drive us away from the detention facility and veare onto the road. To my surprise the boys aren't animatedly retelling the story of what landed them there and the drive is mostly quiet. The car engine sputters to a halt outside of Vince's house and I glance over my shoulder at him. "Well, this is your stop."
"Yup, looks like it." Vince comments from the backseat before opening the door and stumbling out. "Thanks again Rayna!" He says waving his hand to me, "take it easy Deacon and make sure you ice that hand. See y'all!"
Offering a small nod to his expression of gratitude I wait outside his house until Vince disappears into the building and a light shines dimly through the window. Shifting gears, I put the car into drive and complete a y-turn as I ease back into the traffic of the east Nashville streets. The anger is boiling inside of me and resting hot and firey on the top of my stomach while I internally attempt to distract myself with something else.
"Rayna, would you please say something?"
This was the fourth time in the last month that I received a call like this, my tolerance for his behavior is wearing thin. "There's nothing to say."
"Rayna- "
"No," I cut in, "I'm exhausted Deacon, I just wanna get home, so I can get some shut eye before that radio interview." Maneuvering the car through the streets of East Nashville I exhale.
Silence engulfs the small car nearly choking the both of us with it. Through my peripheral vision I can seem him fidgeting with his fingers his head leant against the cool glass of the window as he gazes absentmindedly at the blur of small townhouses. The rest of our ride is endured in radio silence only our breathing, and the exceptionally loud engine of my used car backs our drive. Switching off my headlights before pulling into the driveway in order not to disrupt our neighbors I park and cut the engine. Carelessly tossing the keys into my purse I loop my forearm around the handle before throwing my door open.
Walking through the house I don't bother turning on any lights as I make my way to our bedroom, I can hear him enter the house slowly closing the door and clicking the locks into place. Grabbing his pillow from his side, I carry it into the living room and glance up at him for a split second. "I'd strongly suggest you can make yourself comfortable on the couch."
Not giving him a second to respond I make a beeline for our bedroom slamming the door behind me with such force that I am genuinely surprised that it doesn't crack apart into splinters of wood. Angrily pushing the sweatpants from my legs I kick them across the floor as I pull back the covers and crawl in between them for the second time tonight. How can he think that this is okay? That getting locked up four times over the course of the last month is "normal"? No. This type of behavior is certainly not normal and it's becoming exhausting. My mind is running rampant and I just can't seem to get it to turn off long enough for me to get some decent shut eye. Half of me wants to know the story behind why I was called out of bed at 3:30am and the other half doesn't give a shit. I love that man more than life itself, I do, but right now I'm not quite sure how much more of this I can take. Closing my eyes I attempt to succumb to the black hole of sleep but it's no use. Instead, I lay there wide awake staring at the ceiling aimlessly feeling my anger simmer slightly until our bedroom door creaks open.
"What are you doing in here?"
"I can't sleep."
"Well maybe you should try harder." I know my voice is coming out harsh, but I don't care at this point.
"Rayna, come on... I'm sorry, just talk to me babe."
"Talk to you?" Spits out of my mouth in an incredulous tone, throwing the sheets and down comforter off my body. "I have been talking to you Deacon, you just haven't bothered to listen. You don't hear me at all, or maybe you do and you just don't care."
"Hey, I care you-"
"Yeah? Well you could've fooled me."
"Ray, babe, don't do that!" Deacon urges as he steps further into the room now standing in front of where I'm laying.
"I'm going to bed." Closing my eyes I plunge myself into darkness and I'm sure he can tell from my voice that I'm lying. I don't hear him make another peep, however, I do feel his side of the bed sink as he takes a seat then slowly swings his legs onto the bed and leans back against the mattress sliding between the sheets by me. Staring into the darkness in front of myself I wait for it, for that moment when he pulls me into him and I melt, surrendering to our connection to the feel of his body against mine, but, it never comes. For the first time, it feels as if there is palpable miles and miles separating us in this bed designating us to our rightful sides, and I can feel angry tears welling up in my eyes.
I pushed and you pulled
Should have just fell into you
But I did what I always do, I always do
Wanted to talk but I walked away
Didn't want to hear what you had to say
Stupid me, can't believe I never knew
The whole time you were just trying to love me
"Deacon please, stop!"
"Get outta my way Rayna!"
Rooting my feet into place there I cross my arms over my chest in defiance. There was no way in hell I was going to let him get out of here in that condition. "No, okay would you please just talk to me." Taking in a breath of air my eyes dare to take a glance at his face, willing myself not to completely lose it. "Instead of doin' this," my voice finishes in a small, almost intimidated tone, gesturing with my hands to the mess he created of our living room, overturned cushions, records snapped in half, and shards of glass reflecting off the floor like tiny little mirrors.
"Rayna, I swear to God...get the fuck outta my way!" Deacon spat as if he had venom in his mouth, the vein in the side of his neck bulging out, his frustration growing by the minute as the knuckles of his right hand connect with the wall that was within a few feet of my head.
"No," I reply simply only blinking as his fist shoots through the wall, plaster and paint chips raining down everywhere, while I continue to stand like a statue in front of the door. "Babe," whispers out of my mouth as I tentatively step forward leaning up, our bodies momentarily sashaying against one another's. "Please, just talk to me." Comes out of my mouth in a soft plea as my blue eyes swim behind worried tears while anticipating his next move.
"I ain't got anything to say," he mumbles out as he uses our proximity to his advantage and pushes past me making his way out the door. Stumbling on his feet Deacon trudges around the side of the house and makes his way down the sidewalk. He shook his hand, as if to ward off the pain he'd just personally inflicted upon it by ramming it into the wall.
"Deacon!" My tongue calls after him, my voice laced with worry, but he remains unfazed and doesn't even give me a backwards glance. "Deacon!" Jogging after him, I make my way across the driveway in a white cotton dress, barefeet slapping against the gravel barely noticing the pain shooting up my legs as I catch up to him. Grabbing his arm I whirl myself in front of him, so that he is momentarily barricaded there. "No, baby, don't...please, okay...just stop this, please...you're- you're making my heart hurt. You said forever, through whatever. And I know you're hurtin', but I'm here. Damnit Deacon, I'm right here babe just fall into me, just talk to me." By the time I reach the end of my tangent the tears are flowing freely down my cheeks. Through my loud breakdown I hear him let out a deep sigh, before his body inches closer to mine, his arms circle my waist as his head buries itself into the crook of my neck. Freely crying into his shirt I cling to him, I feel his back shake beneath my fingers finally unleashing emotions that he has been holding in since we got the call a few weeks ago.
Didn't think those tears were real
Thought you were just trying to play me
I just stood there and let em fall
You were just loving me after all
As of recently things had gone down hill quickly, sure we had some good days, but they were few and far between. To be honest, I couldn't clearly remember the last relatively good day we shared together. A day that didn't include an intense screaming match, broken furniture, holes in the wall, or crawled flesh. It was like we were always fighting, and that alone was becoming utterly exhausting. Over the past several months it had become glaringly obvious to me that he had a problem with alcohol, that he is an addict. And from the stories that I'd overheard him and Vince discussing Deacon's father had been one too. After yet another stressful day of fighting with Deacon had every turn I found myself unable to contain my frustration with our situation. I felt like I barely recognized the man I loved anymore, as if he wasn't the same person to me these days though a fog of alcohol.
"I can't do this with you tonight Deacon, okay?"
"No more fight in ya Ray?" Poured out of his mouth in one slurred rant.
"No, Deacon...no I don't have any more fight, God, I just wish-" stopping myself short of saying what I desperately want to say I shake my head. "Nevermind."
"Oh, no...don't walk away, go ahead lay it on me, Ray, tell me what you think...'cause I can't wait to hear this." He spat harshly, a tone of voice that I had become accustom to recently, but not by choice of course.
"You wanna know what I think? Do you, Deacon?"
"That's what I said, was it not?"
Rolling my eyes at him, I turn, "I think that at the rate you're goin' your drinkin' is gonna kill you. And that -" fighting against the lump in my throat that is threatening to choke me, I continue, tears dangerously close to falling out the corners of my eyes. "-That scares the living shit outta me." It's then when my voice breaks and my resolve gives away, tears spilling out and competing with each other to make it down my cheeks. The sheer thought of losing him overwhelms me, he's been such a huge part of my life for the last several years that I can't imagine being without him in any sense of the word. Not in this life, not out of my band, no. That damn man is everything to me. I stand there my entire world crumbling around me as I become consumed in all those thoughts. Sniffling I try to avail to calm myself down, but nothing seems to work, the tears just keep rolling out. And in a normal situation, Deacon, the one I fell head over-heels crazy in love with, the one who wasn't diluted with pills and alcohol, would have been my side whispering soothingly to me kissing my tears away. This time though, there are no kisses, no words of reassurance, and most definitely no embraces. Wiping at the tears from my eyes, I catch sight of his back as he walks out the front door, leaving me all alone.
I pushed and you pulled
Should have just fell into you
But I did what I always do, I always do
Wanted to talk but I walked away
Didn't want to hear what you had to say
Stupid me, can't believe I never knew
The whole time you were just trying to love me
For the first time in what seemed like forever, I woke up with his arm loosely slung over my waist. It was comforting, and brought a smile to my face, I almost forgot how safe it felt right here, wrapped in his arms. This was the last thing I expected to wake up to, especially considering he had gone out with some of the guys, and managed to not wake me up when he drunkenly stumbled in last night. That was when the thought struck me, maybe he had been the DD last night and that was why he had been so quiet. Smiling my hand covers his on my abdomen before I lift it up to place a kiss on it. However, instead my eyes find some girl's name and a number scribbled on the back of his hand in blue ink. What the fuck? Seriously? Oh, hell no. Just seeing that awoke the jealous beast that lived inside of me, what in the hell had he been out doing last night? Shoving his arm off my body I slap his chest hard, not giving a damn if I'd hurt him or not.
"Wha-..." mumbles into his pillow and warrants another hard swat from me. "Wh-what...Ray what the hell? I'm tryin' to sleep."
"Yeah? Well, quite frankly Deacon...I don't give a fuck!" Sprays out heavy like gasoline fumes as I spring from the bed. "You wanna know why? Cause I'm tryin' to figure out who the hell Denise is and why you have her number written on your hand."
"De-" Squinting Deacon lifts his hand and the mere sight of the name on his hand cuts his words off.
Sunlight washes throughout the room lighting it up, and bringing with it a warmth."Well?"
Easing a foot onto the carpeting Deacon winces, "Ray," he begins approaching me slowly.
"Don't say it...don't you dare say it." Falls out of my mouth in warning as I back away from him.
"I'm sorry." And there it is, as the words leave his mouth I feel my world give way.
"No." Shaking my head I swat his hand away as it tries to bring me closer to him, swing my own hand back and cracking it against his face. Backing away from him, I blink away the tears that are brimming my eyelids. "So, you-uh what...you slept with her?"
"No."
"Then what are you apologizing for."
"I-I...Rayna, I don't know what happened last night."
"So, uh…let me get this straight, you're tellin' me that, you have no idea what happened. That for all you know you could've kissed this girl, but there's also the possibility that you could've...oh, I don't know had a quickie with her in the bathroom…before comin' home to me?" The words are bitter and spilling out of me quickly, stumbling over each other on the way out, my heart is pounding rapidly and I feel as if I haven't even taken a breath the.
"Or nothing happened."
"Yeah right." Knowing how little self control I have when it comes to Deacon I can't imagine another women simply taking no for an answer, especially if she was as into him as many women are.
"Look, Ray, I- I don't think that I did anything but-"
"It's possible?" My voices finishes for him. Turning my head away from his as he hangs his head, I don't need to see the guilt etched into his features, wrapping my slender arms around my body I search for a comfort that isn't coming. Out of the corner of my eye I see him move several inches in my direction and I hold up my hand in sign of protest.
"What do you want me to say Rayna?" His voice croaks out desperation lined in every word.
"Nothing."
"Is there anything I can do?"
Sniffling, I utilize the back of my hand to dab away the couple tears that have fallen down my cheeks. "You can uh- leave…" I say quietly tipping my face away from his not wanting to see what my words have done to him. "Please, Deacon just leave me alone for a little bit, I need some time, space." Is my strained plea as I fight against myself to keep my emotions in check.
"Okay," with his head bowed Deacon shuffles out of the room not even bothering to bridge the gap between us and give either of us the satisfaction of skin on skin contact.
Another fight and I am left feeling empty, as if all my insides had been scooped out with a rusty spoon against my will. Fighting with Deacon always leaves me like this. Sitting on the edge of the lumpy couch cushions I let my eyes survey the room before exhaling loudly. Deacon had kept his distance for a while, giving me space, allowing me the opportunity to cry alone in the bathroom and try to make sense of this whole mess. Once I came out though, still donning one of Deacon's faded t-shirts and a pair of lacy panties, and sat down on the couch all bets. He smoothly slid closer to me on the couch, playing it off as if I wouldn't notice. Rolling my eyes I him I wonder, how he could have gotten us into this mess? A mess that all stemmed from his drinking, his inability to know what it was time to call it quits. Hell, maybe nothing happened, maybe I was just torturing myself for nothing. But the reality of it all is that he can't look into my eyes and confirm with 150 percent certainty that nothing happened, because he can't remember. So, all I have to go on is my imagination and my gut, which keeps taunting me with images of him and some blonde Denise girl. Bile feels like it's sitting at the back of my throat just waiting for me to release it, as we sit so physically close to each other. His fingers reach out skimming across my back and it flares my anger and like a loose coil I spring up from the couch smacking his hand away from me. "Don't touch me!"
Lifting his hands up in mock defeat Deacon stays rooted to the couch and I hover there looming over him for a moment. Shoving him back against the couch in my fit of rage, "how could you do this to us?" Flies off my tongue and to reiterate my distaste for his actions I deliver a hard slap to the back of his head.
However, he doesn't take my shit any longer, the thick fingers on his right hand snap around my wrist tightly like a boconstricer, not giving any inclination on when he'll release me from his grip. "Damnit Rayna, nothing happened!"
Fighting against his strong hold on me, I shout back at him, "you don't know that forsure!" Shooting icy daggers at him with my eyes my body continues to struggle against his but lacks the strength to break free. "Damnit Deacon, would you fucking let go of me?"
Quickly he drops my wrist and I rub the red blotch that now discolors pale flesh. "Fine, I don't know forsure, but you know what I do know?" His voice pauses as he hooks his arm around my waist and draws my body into his. "I know that I love you, God Rayna, I love you...more than anything in this whole world...forever." Our eyes find each other's and I bit my lower lip to cease it from quivering. Taking a brave step forward he skims the pad of his thumb across my jawline with his free hand. "Rayna I love you, and only you...so, I can't imagine that in my drunken stupor I would have even entertained the idea of being with anyone but you."
"Just because you love me doesn't mean you didn't do anything."
"Fucking-A Rayna, what do you want? Huh? Should we give her a call?" Roars from Deacon who towers over me.
"Like I'd trust some random chick to tell me the truth."
"Then it doesn't matter." Deacon attempts to convince me.
"It doesn't matter?" Scratches off the back of my throat in a cynical tone as I whirl around shaking my head as I go to walk away from him, but he stalls me. And before I know it, his lips make a head-on collision with mine as his large hands force my body back against the wall hard. He tastes of spearmint which pleasantly surprises me, I thought when he left me alone he may have been drowning in alcohol but clearly he hadn't been. Kissing him back with a vigor biting his lower lip. Teeth sinking into the plump chapped pink flesh surprised when I don't start blood.
A primal growl erupts from Deacon as his hands firmly latch onto my face. Skillfully he tears his lip away from my teeth without garnering permanent damage, and my half open eyes land on his that are burning with a mixture of fury and lust. A dangerous, dangerous combination. Our lips merge together sloppily each fighting against one another for the control, for the upper hand. Deacon tips my face up coercively his tongue dragging a wet trail around the curves of my lips before darting quickly into my mouth. Hips elevate off the wall against my will and it doesn't go unnoticed by Deacon, whose hands skate up my bare thighs before curving around my hips and aggressively ramming me back into my former place on the wall.
My hands greedily reach for his shirt, but are not met with the familiar cotton instead, he prods my hands aside before his clasp around both my wrists and he raises them above my head. I gasp into his mouth caught off guard by his intensity. Words leave us then, and without preamble he jerks aside the delicate lace of my panties fingers stroking against me. Throaty moans are silenced by his lips crashing against mine and he kissing me with a fierceness that I have never experienced before.
Wanted to talk but I walked away
Didn't want to hear what you had to say
Stupid me, I can't believe I never knew, I never knew
The whole time you were just trying
The whole time you were just trying
To love me
Trying to love me
The painful memories continue to recollect themselves in my mind, and as much as I feel bad for my man, he did this to himself. He selfishly hid behind a bottle and wouldn't listen to me, wouldn't even try to accept my help for so many years. By the time he was willing and ready to accept help,it would seem it had been too late the damage had been done. Glancing at the closest guitar I swipe it off the stand and hold it carelessly as I stalk into the living room. All those years, he vented his rage on anything that he could wrap his fingers around, countless guitars had been unnecessary casualties of his rage, and even if just for a moment, I wanted to feel the the appeal of that. Lifting the guitar up by the fretboard, I slam it down against the rug with exceptional force, the same rug that we've had sex on too many times to count. As the wooden instrument connects with the floor I feel it give way, strings snapping apart while wooden shards spray all around me.
"Rayna, stop!" Beacons from somewhere behind me, but I am too caught up in my own mind, my own emotions to even acknowledge him. Dropping the broken instrument to the floor, I swivel away from it eyes void as they frantically search for something else, anything else, to vent my emotions on. With measured determined strides I approach Deacon's favorite guitar, his Gibson, complete with belt scratches and dents. Suddenly though something prevents me from advancing forward. Tipping my head upward I realize it's Deacon, his fingers are firmly clutching my shoulder, with one hand, then two when he can't force me to a hault.
"Don't touch me," I spit out harshly shooting a death glare his way, as I push back, throwing his arms off my body.
It's as if my words visibly hurt him, he instantly drops his hands from my shoulders and recoils, stepping aside, his head tilts away from me looking as if I just slapped him across the face. Inhaling deeply I try to contain the emotions that are speeding through me, my fingers hesitantly reach out and wrap around the cool steel strings, nearly cutting into my flesh as my palm curves around the neck of his guitar. My eyelids flutter closed when I fill my lungs with new air. Tightening my grip on the neck of the guitar before slackening my wrist and releasing my hold on it. In that moment, all the painful memories that live in this house hit me like a freight train, and rage is no longer the emotion coursing through my veins. I crumple to the floor knees cracking against the hardwood as they make contact with it. Clammy palms curve over my face tears wetting them as a sob racks through my body expanding across my chest and making it hard to catch a complete breathe.
The whole time, the only thing I have ever done was try to love him, try to protect him, save him, and now this stupid disease might take him away from me. Another wave of tears spills out from the corners of my eyes as I remove my hands from my face, gasping for air. Tearing at the cuff of Deacon's flannel I use it to wipe away the collection of tears that have gathered on my cheeks. Within seconds he is on the floor next to me gathering me into his arms.
"Shh baby, I know."
All his comforting words are met with is sniffles and fresh tears. Fighting against him ever so slightly I do my best to push the memories out of my mind. Moving toward me slowly Deacon kisses away a couple of my tears making my heart soar. This is my Deacon, the one I fell in love with when I was sixteen. He gently eases me too a standing position so that we're no longer rocking back and forth together on the hard wooden floor.
"Come on, let's go sit on the couch. I'll turn off the record and we can talk." Deacon suggests as he tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and the pad of his thumb runs across the tracks of tears painted over the apples of my cheeks.
"Wait," whispers off my tongue, slender fingers wrapping around his wrist, "I wanna listen to this song."
He doesn't question my demand and slowly turns away making his way towards the couch. "Dance with me?" Extending my hand to him, I make my timid request, as if he might turn me down. I did after all just break one of his one prized possessions. Much to my delight Deacon approaches me his arms easily circling my waist our bodies coming together as his voice comes out of the speakers. The sound of his deep voice is rich and serves to distract my mind for a moment.
I'm a little more country
You're a big city girl
And I'd rather stay home
You wanna travel the world
I'm more like my father
You're just like your mom
And I'm more the outcast
You're the one that belongs
Looping my arms around his neck I bring my body closer to his so that my hips, if only briefly, connect with his. This had been a favorite of ours and when we were starting out it had even been put into rotation on our set list. Our bodies gently sway along together to the beat bare feet padding across the rug.
I'm a little more rebel, but you're no fool
And I'm a black suit outlaw
Your dress light blue
And I'm just like midnight,
while you're high noon
I'm a little more Johnny
You're a little more June
Hearing my voice bled through the vinyl record blending with his causes my head to tip back to find Deacon's eyes already on me, his lips mouthing the words along with our much younger voices.
So, I'm a little more whiskey
You're a little more wine
Yeah, I lose my patience
You get better with time
So, when I'm cold like November
You're warm like spring
When I lose my temper, you're as calm as the breeze
Slowly his left hand strays from my hip collecting my much smaller hand with his and holds it close to his heart. Our eyes intently hold one another as Deacon leads us across the carpet, his voice quietly beginning to sing along.
I'm a little more rebel, but you're no fool
And I'm a black suit outlaw
Your dress light blue
And I'm just like midnight,
while you're high noon
I'm a little more Johnny
You're a little more June
Following his lead, I harmonize with him, singing along to a love song we recorded what feels like a million years ago. Deacon's grip loosens on my hand as he carefully twirls me. A small smile makes its home on my lips as I spin away from home for a moment before his large hand urges me to retreat back to him.
Ooooh
My voice sings along as my body finds itself against his once more.
I'm a little more sinner
Deacon sings to me, as he glides us across the floor.
I'm a little more saint
My voice replies back gazing up at him, finding his eyes sparkling with love.
And I'm more the runner
Sings Deacon is a soft deep voice nearly matching the one that is echoing back at us from the record player.
And I'm the one who will stay
Matching his steps I give his hand a gentle squeeze as we dance around the living room, his hand lifts off my hip once more and he encourages me to spin again.
Come hell or high water, your face stays the same
While I'm just more shaken, but we still find a way
Trusting him completely, I whirl away from him, twisting around in a full circle on the balls of my feet. Our voices ring out in a rich slightly imperfect tone from the turntable, but harmonies are spot on and make me smile up at him as my body returns back to it's rightful place.
I'm a little more rebel, but you're no fool
And I'm a black suit outlaw
Your dress light blue
And even though I'm midnight,
while you're high noon
We fell in love like Johnny, and June
Tipping my head back my blue eyes met his and I cling to him for dear life, my lips consciously singing along with our record. As the arm skips along the grooves of the vinyl all that's left is our voices and we complete the chorus eyes burning one another down. When we reach my favorite line Deacon leans in forward anticipating it and his breath spills against my lips making my knees quake beneath me. We sure did fall in love like Johnny and June, no question.
I'm a little more Johnny
You're a little more June
Finally the record finds it's place after several skips along the grooves and I lean my forehead against Deacon's pecs holding onto his hand threading my fingers silently between the spaces of his. The vibrations from his chest as he sang along with the record were so smoothly as he expertly lead our bodies across the square footage of the cabin.
Well I'm a little more country
You're a big city girl
And I'd rather stay home
You wanna travel the world
Once the song reaches it's end the arm on the turntable skids slightly before landing on the proper groove and playing the next song that was locked into the vinyl record.
"We're the modern day Johnny and June, huh?" Deacon asks softly as the song comes to an end, our bodies still pressed into one another's, fingers still entwined.
"Yeah, I s'ppose we are." Laying my forehead against his bare chest for a moment in inhale, the smell of his body was greeting me. Tipping my head back I stare up at him, "take me to bed?"
"Okay babe," replies Deacon softly as he slowly untangles himself from around me. Holding up one finger to me he glides across the living room and lifts the arm off the vinyl before making his way back to me. Retrieving my empty hand in his Deacon walks me back to our bedroom flicking the light off on his way. Unconsciously my fingers grip his tighter as I'm momentarily disoriented as my eyes slowly dilate readjusting to the total darkness that we had been plunged into. Pausing at the foot of bed Deacon turns around, leaning in toward me his fingers start at the top of his flannel sliding the buttons out of the holes. Once it flutters open his grin illuminates the darkness cocooning us and gently pushes it off my shoulders. It pools at my feet and I take this opportunity to hook my finger in the waistband of his boxers tugging them down. After they shimmy down his legs Deacon steps out of them and me slip beneath the sheets naked, as if we had been doing it for the past decade.
-###-
When my eyes flicker open hours later I'm overwhelmed by his scent, by his warmth. It's as if I'm encased in an oven, is body heat alone keeping me warmer than any blanket ever could. I know it's early because the sun isn't peaking through the shades like it usually does come morning. Our legs are tangled up under the sheets, his arms protectively wrapped around me and a sad smile takes refuge on my chapped lips. I've missed this, God, have I missed this, him, us waking up like this naked bodies practically molded together. My eyes watch him as he dreams, his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks as he dreams a small unconscious smile falling to his lips as something mg incoherent sleepily rolls off his tongue. Giggling to myself, I tug the blanket up to my mouth to muffle the noise noticing for the first time the small portion of blanket he actually has.
Maybe I do steal all the covers. Carefully pulling excess blanket from my side I drape it over his body. Turning on my side I reach for Deacon's journal that is resting on the nightstand and quietly rummage through the draw of the table for a pen. Letting out a small sigh of victory as I find a pen I prop myself up resting the journal on my thighs I allow the thoughts swirling around my mind like a carousel to bleed onto the paper. Messy black ink stains the pages with strings of words that just wouldn't seem to stop pouring out of me. Deacon stirs next to me and it causes the pen in my hand to pause on the paper. Pushing back his thick brown hair, I lean down and place a kiss to the center of his forehead before jumping back onto the inspiration wave that roused me awake. I forgot how easy this could be sometimes, biting on the end of the pen I let the thoughts jumble themselves around in my head before I use the pen to scratch out a phrase that littered the paper in my lap.
The sun faintly peeks through the blinds covering our bedroom window and Deacon shifts next to me his hands blindly clawing through the sheets until they find my body. Glancing down at him I can't help the affectionate smile that creeps across my lips just seeing his sleepy face. Continuing to watch him he's eyelids slowly open as he squints up at me, "hmm what are you doin' up so early babe?" His body leans heavily against mine as he presses a kiss along the curve of my neck while inhaling my scent.
"Oh, I was just writin'..." I gently inform him in the morning light.
"Writin' huh?"
"Yup, I don't know what it is about this place, but I was just lookin' at you laying there next to me and I-I was inspired." My tongue admits outloud, almost bashfully.
"Aw, were ya now?"
"Yes."
"May I?" Questions Deacon as he gestures towards the brown leather journal that is resting on my thighs.
"O' course," replies from my voice as I scoot closer to Deacon and place the journal between the two of us. Taking the pen I arch a few arrows to signal where I would sing the chorus again. Biting down on my lower lip, I give Deacon a sideways glance as I see him completely enthralled in the ink decorating the pages of his journal.
Waking up with you makes me feel alive (oh)
And every kiss you give still takes me by surprise
So I thought that I would tell the world today
My life has changed so I'll say…
As my eyes follow his that are darting across the sheet of paper I softly begin to sing the chorus, and as his head tips back, he finds my eyes with his and I know, I've taken him by surprise.
You're not a stranger; You're not just a friend
You're not just a lover who is sleeping in my bed
You are what I came for, always thinking of...
you are everything... I wanted outta love
Upon completing the chorus, my eyes skirt across the words and through a bit of smudged ink I find my way through and begin to sing the second verse to him acapella. Our eyes never leave one another's as I sing and he can't help himself as he tries the words out for himself.
You watch me with you eyes
You give me all your time
Someone I can't forget, and I always dreamed I'd find
So I thought I'd tell the world today
All because of you I'll never be the same
Repeat Chorus
When we reach my scribbled words "repeat chorus" Deacon's voice falls back slightly as he finds a harmony that is pleasant to the ears. And we sing together, in bed naked, something I realize we haven't done in far too long.
So many times I told you so
I guess I wanted you to know
As we arrive to what I've dubbed as the "bridge" Deacon's voice fades away and I can feel his eyes watching me carefully. Inhaling deeply I sing the two phrases and then pause searching his eyes an intensity surging between us. We barely have time to explore that feeling since Deacon takes the lead and begins to sing the final chorus.
Repeat Chorus
Not wasting anytime my voice joins in blending expertly with his. There's always been something intangible about singing with him, something that always made everything feel right in the world, if only for a moments time. The air fills with silence and my eyes stare longingly into his.
Wanted outta love
Is the final phrase that is scribbled on the sheet of paper and I sing it alone eyes never straying from his. Expressing with the song that he is all I ever wanted out of love. Sure, I had told him that many moons ago when we were young and fell in love in the back of pick-up truck on a hot summer night. Even though it may have taken me several winding roads to admit that to myself, to him, again I just did and I wouldn't take it back. That's how I felt about him, about us. His disease be damned we were going to make it, he was going to make it. This was our second chance, there was no way in hell I was letting that slip through my fingers.
"What if I took the second verse?" Deacon asks breaking me from a series of thoughts as he glances up from my messy words and discovers my eyes, already on him.
"And make it a duet?"
"Yeah, I mean-if you want to, it is kinda our speciality."
Contemplating the change I nod and smile up at him,"I like it."
Nodding his head in agreement Deacon closes his journal and sets it on the bedside table before sliding back onto the bed his head resting on the pillow. Following suit I shrug down beneath the sheets curling my body up along his side. My ink smudged fingers lazily tracing across the definition lines of his upper body.
"So, I was thinkin'.."
"Oh? That's never good." His voice drips of playfulness and I smirk at him, shoving at his chest feigning hurt.
"Hey!" My hand shoves against his chest as I fregin hurt feelings.
"I'm only kidding darlin'..tell me what you were thinkin'."
"What if you came over and stayed with the girls and I for a while."
"Like live with y'all? "
"Yeah I guess so, I-uh-I mean if you want to, I just dont want you to be alone during all this."
"I'm not alone baby, I've got Scarlett at my place, she's been lookin' out for me."
"I know, but she shouldn't have to be doin' this all by herself...I can help too. Deacon, I want to help. I want to be there for you, every step of way, and the girls would love to have you around especially Maddie she has her heart set on us all being a family, ya know."
"I s'ppose..." his voice gives him away; he's wary about this, and quite frankly I don't blame him I am too. "I know she does, I just wanna make good on this. I wanna be able to be there for the long haul, ya know? I wanna be there to put the fear of God into some poor boy at the door, see her in her cap and gown, and to give her away on her wedding day. "
"Then let me take care of you babe."
"Rayna! I don't want that, I told you that…" he exhales in an aggravated tone
"Damnit Deacon, just let me take care of you this one last time...get you through this, and then you can spend the rest of your life takin' care of me."
"I don't know."
"Listen, I know it's fast and we've skipped a whole bunch of steps, babe, but I love you, I've loved you my whole life, and we've lived together before ya know? Having you around again would be like comin' home. I don't wanna miss another second with you babe. I want you in the house...in my bed, I-I God I want you around all the time. So, what do you say?"
"Hmm in your bed huh?" His eyes are sparkling and his hands are wandering up my smooth legs.
"Yes," I whisper as he shifts on our mattress, so that his naked body skims against me silently showing just how awake he truly is.
"Well, how can I turn that down?" Our smiles collide fusing into one.
FIN.
A/N: Well, if you made it here, I applaud you sorry for the length it ran away from me a bit. However, that's kind of the norm when it comes to my pieces and maybe that's part of the appeal to them. Who knows. And hey, DevilsDaughter8 sorry the cake was maybe a wee bit short...maybe someday I'll make up for it. (; Anyways, the song uses in this chapter go as follows: "Tryin' To Love Me" by Jason Aldean, "Whiskey and Wine" by Carter Winter feat. Ray Gibson, and "Everything I Wanted" by Ashley Monroe. All rights belong to the artists, songwriters, and producers..I merely used them in hopes to create something, build a story around them. Also, I am hyper-aware that the "scene" where Rayna is smashing guitars happens when it's STILL light out, and now that the sneak peek has been released I know that it doesn't play out in this way AT ALL. *Insert Crying Emoji* but this is my story and I already had it mostly written before the promo, and it was essentially done by the time the sneak was released so, yeah, since it was all already laid out before the promo this was my way of trying to somewhat incorporate the promo and of the dialogue (loosely) from the last episode. Please don't be shy, and drop down to that box just below and let me know what you thought.
p.s. I am debating about possibly finishing what I started in that last flashback, if there is enough of a demand of it that is. So, maybe let me know if you'd like more or not? It's very much appreciated y'all.