A/N: I know I said I wasn't going to continue with this, and I wasn't honestly, but then I suddenly did! It took me some time to write, because I wasn't sure where I wanted it to go, but this is it. If I write more, it's a new story and not another chapter, just saying. Hope this is an okay one though, TW for self harm, stitches, and one curse word.
Once in the ER, the doctors stitched his arm up quickly. Luckily, the hoodie stopped them from seeing his needle mark as they only pulled it up high enough to stitch the cuts. They asked him questions while cleaning and stitching, questions like what had triggered his out lash, if he was a threat to himself or others, and if there was a need for him to see a professional before going home. Reid answered yes to a bad trigger, no to the threat and no to seeing someone. He promised it was a one-time only, and he told them he wouldn't be going home alone, which he believed to be true, knowing his friends. They bandaged up his arm again, 20 stitches in total, and gave him a number to a professional if he were to change his mind.
Out in the waiting room, JJ and Morgan were waiting for him. Their bodies were tense, in unknowing worries, and they were whispering quietly about what he could only assume to be about him. His body was aching in exhaustion, which felt surreal considering he had no memory of the past four days. They looked up with tense smiles as he approached them.
"You didn't have to wait," Spencer muttered, not at all surprised to see his friends still there.
"No way we're leaving you here at this hour," Morgan tried to give one of his famous smiles, but failed because of his underlying emotions tugging at the corners.
JJ and Morgan stood up, and JJ grabbed Reid's hand as they led him to the exit. 'Are they worried I might make a run for it?' Reid thought to himself but the firm grip JJ had of his hand. They walked out into the cold night, the wind tugging at their sweaters. Morgan left for his own car, while JJ and Reid walked over to where JJ had parked, a few minutes away from the main entrance. They heard sirens in the distance, and a man walked past them, blood running from his forehead. Nighttime was a busy time to be at the ER, and Reid praised himself lucky they had arrived before the nighttime rush.
"What did the doctor say?" JJ asked once they were in the car, as she started the engine.
"He didn't say much, as there wasn't much to say,"
The sun was long gone, the moon being the only source of light on the sky. Reid had always enjoyed the moon, and its aesthetics. No matter how many times he found his eyes wandering up towards the sky, he was always amused at the mysterious excitement surrounding the moon.
"What do you mean he didn't say much?" JJ felt annoyed at his lack of cooperation.
"What was he supposed to say? Obviously, the wounds were self-inflicted, I have a medical history that leaves room for interpretation, but I'm an adult. What happens is up to me! There was no direct indication it was a suicide-attempt, so nothing to be said." He knew he shouldn't take his exhaustion out on JJ, yet every word that left his mouth felt like acid, burning in his mouth, begging to escape.
"What did he say about the drugs then?"
Her eyes were fixed at the road, but he could see the shimmer in her eyes, the tears on the verge of falling.
"I'm sorry, JJ, I really am,"
"There is nothing to be sorry about Spence, you were in a vulnerable position, but I was too fixated on myself to even think twice about it, it's not your fault you have an addiction." Her apathetic response was uncomfortable.
"No Jennifer, I should have called! I should have gone to a meeting, the second I felt it, the need, I should have done what I could to stop myself. Or better, I shouldn't have had the drugs in the first place!"
In difference to JJ, he didn't try to fight the tears, and when they pulled up by his apartment, they walked in silence up to his floor. He could hear movement from inside, and felt his body freeze.
"It's just Morgan," JJ assured, before opening the door herself.
The thought of Morgan being in his apartment without him felt a bit uncomfortable. Not because Reid worried he would steal, or anything like that, but he knew that Morgan would go through his things to make sure there were no more drugs around, before Reid had a chance to hide it.
And he was right. On the coffee table stood his last vial of dilaudid, the vial he had hid beneath his mattress, which even he had forgotten about in the wake of his last hit. He felt like throwing up, seeing his friends in his apartment under the circumstances. He knew there would be questions. He knew he wouldn't get away with this, unless he opened up. And in a way, he wasn't sure he wanted to get away with it.
"Did I miss any?" Morgan took the bag of stash and put it in the pocket of his pants.
Reid simply shook his head. He felt nauseated, trapped and lost all at the same time. His body tense, his blood pumping out of adrenalin. The anesthetics were starting to wear off, and the pain in his arm reminded him of the other problem at hand. Breathing felt hard. He could feel Morgan's eyes watching him for every step he took. JJ walked over to Reid's kitchen bench and started making some coffee.
Morgan sat down on the sofa, uncertain of what to say or do next, although he was certain of one thing; No way was he allowing his friend to spiral like that once more. JJ was unusually quiet, even for her, Morgan noted. His stomach was growling, and it gained the attention of the younger agent.
"Perhaps we could order some pizza, my treat for your troubles?"
JJ was still buried in the task of coffee making, but Morgan said yes cheerfully. Reid got his phone from his pocket, and dialed the number to the closest pizzeria. He ordered the pizza they had ordered together so many times, knowing they mainly agreed on the filling.
The pizza arrived within fifteen minutes, considering the fact that it was in the middle of the night, and Reid turned on his TV before sitting down next to Morgan. He grabbed a slice from the box, and gestured for JJ to come join them. His Blu-ray player was running, and the opening menu of Doctor Who appeared on the screen. JJ walked slowly from his kitchen, a pot of coffee in one hand, and cups in the other. She was completely silent the entire time.
Morgan and Reid were talking as if nothing had happened. Yet something in the mood of their conversation was abnormal. They avoided all talk that could be related to Emily, or his relapse, and not a single word escaped from JJ. Spencer wasn't as hungry as he had thought, and spent forever on the one slice he had picked up.
"Hey kid, you need to eat, your body needs some help with restoring energy, eat!"
Reid looked at the piece in his hands, looking less and less tempting for each moment. His head was thumping lightly, and his body felt like a sack of potatoes. Every movement was an exhaustion. JJ pulled her legs up beneath her body, holding her fingers around the warm ceramic cup in her hands. She was there, but the look in her eyes indicated she was far away from any present time. Looking at JJ, Reid felt a wave of guilt rush over him. JJ had been through this before. He was forcing her to relive the pain and horror from her younger years, when her sister passed.
"Oh god, I'm a horrible person, JJ, I'm so sorry, I should...- oh god, I just-, fuck" Reid stood up abruptly, dropping the piece of pizza on the cardboard.
JJ looked up at him with a slightly confused look. Morgan stopped mid-bite, and they both stared at the younger man in confusion.
"First Emily and then I go off and be my stupid self, forcing you to deal with me as usual, and your sister, and…" Reid starts ranting, pacing the living room floor.
"Spence, I told you, there is no need to apologize, I am your friend, and it's my job to be here when you need me!" JJ spoke for the first time since they had returned to the apartment.
"But just one thing, as we are on the subject, why did you do it Reid? Why did you cut yourself, was it a reaction to the drugs, were you high while doing it?" Morgan folded his hands, and looked straight up at the younger man pacing his living room. Reid stopped dead in his track at the question.
Morgan hadn't seen his arm, as he had been holding a towel wrapped around it when they got to the ER. Morgan had no idea about his past, knew nothing about his prior problems other than the ones about his mother, and the bullying. He had no clue that Reid's arm carried marks from a period so dark, he would rather forget it. After Hankel, things had been bad for Reid, but he priced himself lucky they hadn't been as bad as they once were, during the time before he joined the BAU. Perhaps that was why he had put so much effort into overcoming his dilaudid addiction, and why he had decided to keep it to himself. He had overcome addiction once before, and he did it on his own, so why should he change that.
"I don't know, I just… When the vial was empty, I needed something, something to, distract me? I don't even know, I just felt the need to feel something," Reid took a deep breath; "I needed to feel something. You know, when you can feel this thing building up inside of you, and it feels like you will explode? Well, it was a release, allowing me to keep breathing,"
Reid sat back down between JJ and Morgan, empty of words to say. JJ sat her cup down on the table and curled up to his side, holding around his fragile frame. He returned the hold, wrapping his arms around her body, against his. Their phones beeped just then, in unison, signaling that it was the same text, most likely from Hotch or Garcia. Morgan picked up his phone, and informed the others: They had a case.
"Never a day off," JJ commented, giving Reid one last squeeze before standing back up.
"Will you be okay working?" Morgan asked, looking at the younger agent as he opened the identical text.
"The dilaudid should be out of my system by now, so I'm fine, work would be a nice distraction."
He changed into more suitable clothes, and they were off to face the real life once again.
"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward."
Victor Kiam