Author's Note: I originally wrote this on my other FF account. But didn't like where it was going, so I deleted it off that account and am revamping it on this account. This is the account I love most and use anyway. And also, I am so excited to take this story in a different direction than before. It'll be fun! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! I do not own Degrassi! Quote from "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson.

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

CHAPTER THREE

Eli eased himself into a chair at one of the back tables of the library. His stomach was a mess of nerves. He hadn't been alone with Clare since the hospital. And that hadn't gone well to say the least. He just hoped they could get through lunch together without him screwing something up.

Adam sat his backpack down on the empty seat next to him and asked, "Do you want me to stay or..."

Eli thought it over. It would be good for Adam to stay. But Eli knew he would have to face Clare alone eventually. He couldn't just hide from her. Though he wished he could. He wished he could remove himself from her life all together. But Mrs. Dawes seemed to have other plans. Hell, the whole universe seemed to have other plans. There was no hiding. No pretending. Clare Edwards was a part of his life, rather he wanted her to be or not. He'd just have to deal with that.

"No, we'll be fine. The librarian's over there in case I snap and try to murder Clare or something," Eli exaggeratedly raised his eyebrows and Adam rolled his eyes, "Really," Eli said calmly, "We'll be fine. It's just an English assignment."

He knew Adam was uncomfortable whenever he'd make a joke about his disorders. But Eli needed some way to entertain himself. He wished he felt as confident that they'd be fine as he'd sounded trying to convince Adam. Honestly, he felt nauseous at the thought of being alone with Clare. And he desperately wanted to ask Adam to stay.

"Alright," Adam turned to leave, "You're sure, right?"

"Right." Eli lied through his teeth.

Adam shrugged and headed towards the entrance of the library. When he got to the doors, he bumped into Clare, "Hey, Eli's over by the back."

"Thanks. I'll see you later."

Eli pulled a brown paper lunch bag from his backpack as Clare headed over. He felt his stomach go into knots. Just an English assignment...yeah right. He was starting to wonder if maybe he had made a mistake in sending Adam away. At least Adam could have acted like a buffer between the two of them. Now, they were going to be completely alone. And Eli wasn't sure if he was quite ready for that. He hadn't brought up Clare to his psychiatrist yet. As far as she knew, he had crashed his car due to stress. He wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about Clare to any one yet especially his psychiatrist. So he had no coping mechanisms for dealing with her. No one had taught him what to say or how to approach her.

He hated this whole not knowing thing. It used to come so easily for the two of them. They could talk about anything. They were close. Not just in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense. But Eli genuinely thought of Clare as his best and closest friend. Without her, he felt utterly lost. But he knew better than to try to reach out for her. She had made it clear she was not interested in him anymore. And he didn't deserve her interest anyway. Not after what he had put her through.

"Hi," Clare waved a small, shy wave. She sat down next to Eli and pulled out her English notebook.

The knots in Eli's stomach tightened as he felt her energy next to him. Just say something, Eli. Just say 'hey.'

"Hey," Eli picked at the crust on his turkey sandwich.

He couldn't look at her. Not directly at least. He knew better than to let himself get too close to her. He was a danger to himself and to Clare. He couldn't let himself near her. He'd just end up hurting her again. By keeping his distance, he was protecting her. Did she know that? He hoped she knew that. He couldn't allow himself to be close to her or anyone else ever again. Being alone would be his purgatory for that night. He just couldn't risk it. He couldn't risk hurting another person. Especially Clare.

"What are you having for lunch?" Clare asked, desperate to fill in any awkward silences that might arise. Her voice was bubbly, but strained. This wasn't easy for her either, Eli could tell. He hated seeing her like this. He could practically feel how jittery she was around him. It only confirmed what he had tried to make peace with over the last few weeks that he was in fact, a monster. Just answer her, Eli. Come on. Words aren't that difficult.

"Turkey sandwich. You?"

"Soup," Clare pulled a thermos from her lunch bag, "My mom made way too much so she sent the leftovers with me for lunch..." Clare trailed off, realizing that she was rambling.

Eli just nodded and continued to pick at the crust of his sandwich, "So, this English assignment. It's due in two weeks, but I figure it's best to get it done sooner than later, right?"

"Right..."

Eli peered into his lunch bag. Inside was a little zip lock baggie with three little pills. He bit his lower lip. It wasn't such a big deal to take them when he was home. No one but Adam and his parents knew he had to take them. But he was supposed to swallow them with meals and that meant Clare having to see. Crazy people took meds. Insane people took meds. Eli didn't want Clare to think he was even crazier than she already did. But knew she thought what everyone else had thought that he was insane. And maybe he was. He had crashed a car in a desperate attempt to hold on to something he wasn't even sure was his in the first place. That was insane. Eli decided to just bite the bullet. He pulled out the baggie and opened it, shaking the pills into his palm. He noticed Clare staring.

"To keep me from snapping," Eli popped the pills into his mouth and chugged from his water bottle. When he saw that Clare was still staring, a look of absolute horror on her face, Eli chuckled a humourless chuckle. Note to self: can't joke about condition with Edwards like with Adam. Got it. "Chill, Edwards. I'm kidding. I'm not going to snap. They just keep me...level." They keep me numb, Eli mentally corrected. Numb and cold and hallow. But better than the alternative.

Clare loosed up, and nodded, "Oh, okay. Yeah, sure."

"My psychiatrist prescribed them for me," Eli continued, realizing he didn't want to give Clare the impression he was some sort of junkie, "There's one for anxiety, one that's a mood stabilizer, and one that is supposed to help with depression." Or at least that's what he had been told. He wasn't exactly sure what all each pill did. He just knew how they made him feel. They made him feel nothing. Was that how they were supposed to work?

"Do they seem to be helping?" Clare asked, feeling like she was treading on dangerous waters. Eli shrugged, taking another sip of water, "Honestly? I don't feel anything anymore. I guess that's okay...I don't feel anger and paranoia. I just...don't feel anything." No crazy thoughts would run through his head. No racing panic either. Just...nothing. It was a horrible thing to feel nothing; but Eli reminded himself once again, that it was better than the alternative.

"Not even good stuff?" Clare asked.

"There isn't good stuff," Eli took a bite of his sandwich, "We should start on our English assignment."

Clare nodded and dug through her folder to get to the grading rubric, "I tried to write down an outline of characters, plot, and setting. I was thinking that for our modern twist, it could be set in today's time...in high school. Rich families. Rich kids. Unsupervised kids."

"I like it," Eli glanced over her shoulder at what she'd written down so far.

"For Gatsby...I was thinking we could have Jason Gatz. He's the star student at his preparatory academy. And all the girls just love him. His parents are always away on lavish vacations and he pretty much has their huge mansion to himself. So he throws these lavish parties while they are away, hoping he can get the attention of Daisy..." Clare rambled on about the project and Eli nodded, but it was difficult to focus.

All he could really pay attention to was how one strand of hair had fallen in front of her face and how he desperately wanted to brush it away. But he couldn't. Staying away did not mean reaching out and touching her hair. Keeping his distance did not mean physical contact. Clare Edwards shouldn't be touched by a monster. He had been wrong about there not being good stuff. Clare was the good stuff.

"So, what do you think?" Clare asked, turning to him. Her face was glowing like it did whenever inspiration hit her.

Eli nodded, fighting from smiling. "I like it. We should uh...start with the characters first. Then move on to setting. And then work on our scene. Which scene do you want to do?"

"I kind of want to do a play on Daisy running over Mertyle and Jay I mean, Jason taking the blame for it." Clare winced and began apologizing. It was like a faucet of 'I'm sorry's' had been turned on, "Jeez, Eli...I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. God. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking...I wasn't thinking! I'm sorry!"

Eli raised an eyebrow, "For what?"

"...we don't have to do this scene," Clare gathered her papers and tapped them on the table to keep them together, "...I can find another scene...or unless there's one you'd rather do..."

"Clare, I didn't run over anyone," Eli reminded her, "We can do this scene. I think it's a good idea."

"Really?"

"Really." Eli glanced up at the clock on the wall opposite of them. It was almost time for lunch to be over. He needed to get to his locker, and suddenly he regretted even more sending Adam away, "Hey...I hate asking you this, but I would like to get to my locker before the hallways get crowded. Could you maybe...uh...help me?" Eli felt three inches tall asking her to help him. He had no place asking Clare for anything. He really should have asked Adam to stay. Adam didn't mind helping him. "Never mind," Eli shook his head, "I can't ask you to do something like that." She owes me absolutely nothing, and here I am asking her to help my crippled ass get to my locker. Eli felt sick.

Clare put her notebook back in her bag, "It's fine. I would be happy to help you. Just tell me what to do."

Did she even know how wonderful she was? Why did he have to go and ruin that? Eli pushed himself out of the chair and Clare helped to gather up his things, "If you could just carry the backpack, that'd be great. Thanks for helping me."

"No problem," Clare grabbed both backpacks and walked next to Eli, checking his balance, as they headed out to the main hallway, "So, Adam said just one more week of this cane and then you can walk without it?"

"We'll see. The physical therapist says I should be walking on my own by next week. I don't know about that though. What I do know is I am ready to be done with this cane. I feel like an old man. And I hate having everyone help me." It sucked being so helpless. He had to rely on everyone for everything. Adam had to carry his things for him. Bulldog had to fucking carry him up the stairs at night. Eli had originally just wanted to camp out on the couch, but Bulldog insisted that what Eli really needed was sleep in his own bed. He felt like a child having to be carried up the stairs. But none of this was punishment enough for what he had done. He deserved so much more than just a cane. He had made it out of that car crash with hardly any damage compared to what he deserved. He deserved to have been killed that night. Everyone's lives would have been so much easier if he had just died. Why didn't I just die?

Eli stopped, leaning against his cane. That thought scared him. Weren't those depression pills supposed to prevent thoughts like that? He hadn't had a thought like that in a long time. A 'death thought' as he called them. He had assumed the pills had worked. Maybe they weren't. Clearly they weren't if he was still having thoughts like that. Eli gripped his cane as he envisioned his head snapping forward, slamming against the steering wheel. If he'd been smart, he'd have unbuckled his seat belt. Eli could almost feel the impact of skull against glass, bone against pavement. But he had worn his seat belt. And he was still alive.

"What's wrong?" Clare asked, backing towards him. She reached out to place a hand on his back, but slowly lowered it as she thought better of it, "Eli?" Her hand lowering away from him almost shattered him.

Why am I feeling this? Eli felt a sense of panic at the immense emotional pain he felt. Before, he had felt nothing. That was before having to face Clare though. Now, all he felt was heartache. Fuck those useless pills! "What?" He pulled himself out of his thoughts, "Sorry. I'm fine."

"You sure?" Clare could tell he wasn't, but what was she supposed to say? She desperately wanted to know what was going on inside that head of his.

Eli nodded, "Yeah. You don't have to worry about me. Let's go," he pushed past her.

This was a mistake. Everything had been a mistake. He should have just undid his fucking seat belt! Eli's thoughts were almost screams inside his head, and he couldn't hear Clare, her voice barely a whisper, ssay, "I'm always going to worry about you."