Cupid's Still Stupid
And They Say Chivalry is Dead…
The box with a very shiny ribbon on it glistened in the morning rays of sunshine as it sat comfortably on top of a welcome mat outside of an apartment door. It seemed harmless: a plain, nondescript present that only stood out because it had a few air holes in the side and a tag that said To: The Scary One, From: None of your damn business!
Truly a romantic at heart had left it, that beautiful morning of February the fourteenth.
Not that Jimena noticed as she flung the door to her apartment open, swearing up a storm and stomping all over the box in her rush to get to school on time. Jimena didn't know what day it was, well she knew it was a day, just not the day, seeing that she was very busy saving the world, saving her adrenaline junky boyfriend, and maintaining a halfway decent grade point average so her abuela wouldn't beat her ass when she came home.
There was a tiny squeak from the box, but Jimena didn't notice as she bolted down the hallway and to the stairwell.
As soon as she had disappeared, a mysterious figure who most certainly was not lurking about because he had insecurity issues and the hots for a very scary girl rushed over to the box. "Muffin!" Cried a man's voice as he pried off the lid.
Inside was a very adorable, very dead, love kitten.
"MUFFIN!" He screeched, a hand over his chest. "She-she killed you! A baby kitten!" He exhaled slowly, eyelids fluttering shut in deep contemplation. "We're soul mates." He said with absolutely no room for debate.
Things were not going to go well for Jimena that day.
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"Hey, watch where you're going you sonuvabitch!" Snarled a cyclist as the rode past a pedestrian walking a dog outside.
"The road's not yours, asswipe!" Retorted the dog walker angrily.
"What did you call me?" The cyclist halted her ride to glare at the man.
"I called you a good-for-nothing, head-up-their-ass, dirty-" There was a sound that cut off the man's tirade, hardly noticeable. It consisted of a childish giggle, a 'twang', and the random but impossibly distinct sound of a tiny, golden shaft flying through the air with a terrifying velocity. Said sound was completed with a rather satisfying 'thwunk!' as it reached its destination of an angry power jogger's tush, "-lovely, brilliant, where-have-you-been-all-my-life, woman!"
The cyclist fully halted in her path, watching the man with a bit of nervousness, "I have mace with me," she said warily, fingers flexing over a water bottle that was going to pretend to be pepper spray.
"Truly it's fate that we met here today!" The man cooed, dropping the dog's leash and skipping slightly over to the woman.
"Get away from me!" She hissed, brandishing the water bottle as her last defense, "I'll spray you!"
"Spray me all you want! I live for your happiness!"
"I'm calling the po-" Yet again, that very distinct sound was heard, and something pierced the woman in the butt, "-priest! We must get married right now despite me not even knowing your first name or if you have a steady income!"
"I agree wholeheartedly, person that almost ran me over with her bicycle!"
With that, the two grasped each other and power-jogged into the sunset of a February afternoon, leaving one very confused dog in their wake.
Ross whistled cheerily as he holstered his bow over his shoulder, a bounce in his step as he left the shrubbery he had been hiding in. It was his fav-or-ite day today! A day of love, warmth, and hitting perfectly innocent people in the ass with sharp objects!
"Yay!" Ross said with joy, not able to keep the enthusiasm inside of him.
Meet Eros. Eros is the son of Aphrodite, the Goddess of all pleasant and sparkly things. He just goes by Ross now though, because Eros sounds kind of silly. Ross is an adorable boy whose adorability is the only thing that has saved his life because Ross tends to do really dumb things. An example? The time he confused Serena and Stanton, true lovers that would bring peace between the Followers and the Daughters, with Jimena and Lambert, two people who held violent tendencies and the inability to solve things with words. Oh yeah, and Lambert had tried to kill Jimena and everyone she loves a few times too. Not really a healthy basis for a relationship. Hijinks had ensued, but eventually Ross was able (under much duress) to solve the problem, removing his arrow from the creepy, pale, evil incarnate. All was well. At least, they thought it was…
You see, some snags prevailed…
Somewhere not far from there…
Vanessa curled up against Karyl, some Barry White playing in the background as she fed him grapes with her teeth. His breath smelled odd, like English muffins and olive oil, but Vanessa didn't mind because she was in love. And love always prevails over funky breath. Michael sat sulking in the corner. He gave a large huff.
"What's wrong Michael?" Vanessa pouted, prying herself away from Karyl's terribly seductive gravitational pull.
Her boyfriend scowled, "You're making out with some creepy ass man! That's what's wrong!"
Karyl shrugged, "You can join in if you want."
Silence surrounded them as two jaws simultaneously dropped to the floor.
Karyl shrugged again, "What? He's a very nice looking young man."
Michael stood up abruptly and turned to leave.
"Call me!" Vanessa cried after him fruitlessly.
Back to the park…
But they weren't really that bad, and Ross was a big supporter of trying new things! He loved new things! Like different flavors of jelly. Or new comic books. His favorite was Spiderman. Something about sneaking from place to place clad in red spandex just appealed to him.
Besides, despite the weird things that had occurred, everything had turned out alright in the end. Jimena was back to being angry all the time, Vanessa and Karyl were probably going to breed very interesting children, and Lambert was back to being a hate-filled bastard who wanted to kill the Daughters of the Moon and most certainly didn't have a secretly repressed attraction to said angry girl that had bubbled to life due to a misplaced love arrow. That would be just plain silly. Ross knew not to acknowledge things that might be silly.
His wonderful flashback full of exposition was interrupted by his cell phone ringing, and he quickly answered it, knowing only one person knew the number.
"Mommy?"
"Eros, I have a job for you." Came a delightfully perky and hopelessly vapid voice from the other end, Ross heard tango music and a lot of manly laughter in the background.
Ross puffed his chest out, "Of course! What do you need?"
"There's a man who's in search for true love. His name is Ken Draw, I need you to set him up with his coworker, a history professor at the university named Dr. Mallory Combs, do you understand?"
Ross beamed, "Sure do!"
"Very good, Eros, now, Mommy has a very important meeting on a cruise line, so I won't be able to call for a few days-" the manly laughter increased, "-weeks, I meant weeks! So I need you to be a big boy and handle this all by yourself, understand?"
Ross nodded.
"Eros, honey, Mommy can't see you nod over the phone."
"Oh! Sorry, you can count on me!"
"Very good. Now, I have to go. I have an appointment with some daiquiris and cabana boys. Have fun!"
"Kay. Bye Mommy-"
The line went dead. Ross sighed , folding the phone back into his jean. Oh well, he could take care of this easily. All he had to do was find a doctor named Kendra and set her up with a university named Malcolm. Easy peasy!
With a new mission, Ross straightened his curly hair and strode off into a sunset that just kind of appeared wherever he went, physics and the space time continuum be damned.
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AN: Sorry it's so short! It was going to be longer but I kind of broke three of my fingers in a freak grocery shopping incident, therefore typing isn't one of my most favorite things to do at the moment DX. Thanks for reading! Feel free to suggest any crack pairings you'd like to see : o) Really, I'll write anything.