Cupid's Still Stupid

AN: Hey everyone, be sure to vote for your favorite fics for the first annual DOTM awards :o) Round II begins January 17th! More information and nominees at the Writer's Forum.

Chapter Four: School of Seduction

A low wind billowed through Lambert's shoulder length white hair, causing it to wrap around his face mysteriously as he eyed the person in front of him intently. His eyes, crystalline blue and shining like the sky, smoldered with desire, as his lips pressed together firmly.

Quickly, Lambert grasped the forearm of his beloved, "My most beautiful star during the darkest night, I need you. My soul needs you. You are that sliver of hope that reminds me to dream in this dark, never ending nightmare of existence. Without you, I cannot fathom how to become a decent, nay, a complete man."

Across from him, Adamantis rolled his eyes, using his index finger and thumb to gently pry off Lambert's fingers from his forearm, "That's laying it a bit thick, don't you think?"

Almost instantly, the subtle, sensual mood evaporated and Lambert pouted, "I'm new at this, cut me some slack!"

Adamantis gave a very leaden sigh, "I find this entire thing absolutely hopeless. I'm beginning to think you have no sense of romance."

Lambert huffed, "Of course I have no sense of romance. I've spent the majority of my Immortal life striving to overtake the most evilest being on the planet as new overlord of shadows, and before then I was a caretaker of teenage boys."

Adamantis made a large show of clearing out earwax with his pinkie finger, "I'm sorry, I thought I heard some idiot blathering on about openly treasonous plots in the face of a loyal Incinti member."

Lambert coughed, "Yes. Well." He paused, "Yes."

Adamantis seemed to take a critical eye to Lambert's apartment, as if noticing it for the first time, "Please tell me you don't intend to woo the unfortunate recipient of your wanton desires here?"

Lambert glared, "What's wrong with my apartment?"

Adamantis gave a very droll tsk of disapproval, staring down Lambert's furnishings as if they had personally offended him. The carpet was this shag, orange monstrosity that obviously hadn't been updated since the 1970s, A Flock of Seagulls posters hung on every single wall, the sitting arrangements consisted of lawn chairs and a foldout sofa bed that was stuck in some sort of limbo where it could not function as either a sofa or a bed, and bowls upon bowls of half eaten spaghetti-o's hid what could have been a coffee table made of plywood and some stolen milk crates.

"No woman in her right state of mind would even consider this place to store their excrement," Adamantis said delicately.

Lambert frowned, offended, "My love nest swept Ursula right off her feet!"

"Ursula has all the taste and refinery of a cheap, drunken prostitute."

Lambert tried to defend against that statement, but as his mind recalled years and years of acrylic fingernails, porcelain plates with cats painted on, ten inch pumps, and a brief stint where she actually was a drunken, cheap prostitute, he felt himself only able to retort with a witty, "Nu-uh."

"Speaking of which, where is that insufferable harpy?" Adamantis said, not really caring, but having an astonishing sense of etiquette, "And what is her opinion on you attempting to…" he gave a frown of distaste, "seduce a Daughter of the Moon."

"She's on the end table," Lambert said flatly, "And for the love of all things inholy, don't shake her up."

Adamantis rose a delicate, plucked eyebrow, seeing only a rather childish toy on something that could barely qualify as an end table. Deciding that Lambert was a few sticks short of a bundle, he gave his long-suffering sigh, "I believe I'll pass, for I have much work to do if you have an ice cube's chance in hell of passing this off."

Lambert frowned, "You don't think I could seduce a Daughter? I could so seduce a Daughter!"

Adamantis said, very levelly, "I think that it requires a more delicate and suave approach then your standard knock them unconscious and drag them to your lair-"

"Aura was semi-conscious-!"

"And, I say this as a gentlemen, your grooming and physical features could most certainly be improved upon so your countenance no longer resembles a horse's ass."

Zing.

Lambert sighed, somewhat sadly, "You're the worst BFF ever, Adamantis."

---

Deep, beautiful violin music played in the background as a couple sat on the beach, candlelight glowing in the night as they enjoyed a romantic picnic dinner in the moonlight. They were celebrating their thirteenth book anniversary, as there really isn't a set time period for those sorts of things.

"Oh, Stanton," Serena said dreamily, leaning forward as Stanton fed her some grapes with his teeth.

"Oh, Serena," Stanton replied, although it was somewhat muffled as he passed the grape along.

"This is the most perfect night of my life," Serena said, basking in the glow of her pure, taintless love that would never, ever be altered or horribly destroyed.

"Every night you're beside me is the most perfect night of my life," Stanton crooned, his hand cupping her cheek tenderly as he enjoyed this wholly innocent, incorruptible moment that would certainly not end in mind-scarring disaster.

"Oh, Stanton," the telepathic Daughter said, batting her eyelashes and leaning in.

"Oh, me," Stanton agreed, also leaning in.

As the two star-crossed lovers went in for a kiss, something very, very peculiar happened.

First, there was the unmistakable sound of chimes. As they were at a very isolated (to set the romantic mood, not because Stanton was trying to get laid or anything) spot on the beach with no one around, that was kind of weird.

Second, there was a flash of pink light. Now, Stanton and Serena, being a Follower and an enemy of an entity that simply loved to make grand exits and entrances, were kind of used to random and seizure-inducing flashes of light, but pink…well pink was certainly different.

Third, Stanton's really hot girlfriend that he was about to lay some serious mackin' on was suddenly replaced with an old guy that wasn't wearing any pants.

"Stanton! Thank Hecate I found you-mmphff!" Cried a rather distraught ex-Regulator as he teleported in between the couple, only to be cut off by a devilishly handsome blond man's kiss.

"Oh, ew," Serena said as she witnessed her boyfriend accidentally kissing an old guy. Great, just great. Even more trauma for the melodramatic prince, just when he finally got over his daddy issues after eight hundred years. Serena made sure no one was looking as she poured herself another glass of the red wine Stanton had brought.

Stanton quickly shoved the man away from him, "Who are you? What are you doing here? WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?"

Stanton was in an uncomfortable place at the moment. He dealt with that by shouting.

The man blinked, somewhat in a daze as Stanton really was just that damn good at everything he did, including kissing pantsless men, "Er…"

Stanton paid him no heed, quickly scrubbing away at his mouth with a spare starfish he had found amidst the sands.

Serena just kept drinking.

"Malcolm!" He said at last, seeming to get his bearings, he shook Stanton by the shoulders, "It's me, Malcolm!"

Stanton blinked, slowly removing the starfish away from his mouth. The starfish was now in a daze as well, "Who?"

Malcolm groaned, he always got this reaction from people, "Malcolm! Grotesque Regulator that went against his cardinal beliefs in order to give you a warning about Lambert?"

Stanton just stared.

Malcolm grit his teeth, "How could you not remember me? I gave you a ring!"

Serena gave a cry that sounded similar to 'Not another one!' before she tossed back the rest of her glass and reached for the bottle.

Finally, clarity seemed to dawn upon Stanton's features, as if a bright light of realization had been lit-

"Oh, gross. I just made out with a Regulator!"

Malcolm, seeing as words were not getting him anywhere, promptly backhanded Stanton across the face, "Snap out of it! I need your help!"

Stanton rubbed his cheek, his face was taking a lot of beating today…but suddenly, he remembered, "Oh, Malcolm!"

Malcolm smiled, "Great, you remember-"

And was promptly sucker-punched.

"Beware of Lamp? LAMP?! You jackass!" Stanton proclaimed, now in quite the huff indeed, "Do you realize how much trouble you could have saved me from if you would've just said Lambert?"

Malcolm sighed, he had already endured Hecate's bitch fit over it, he wasn't really in the mood for another one, "Look, I need your help because some little shit's attempting to make me fall in love with a hippy-!"

Malcolm was interrupted as there was another flash of pink light. He shivered, "It's too late," he whispered dreadfully.

Stanton paused from his bitching while Serena paused from her drinking in order to watch as an eerie silhouette emerge from the rose colored haze.

It was short.

It was intimidating.

It had curly golden hair.

It was wearing a onesie with Dora the Explorer on it.

"Oh shit," hiccupped Serena, who was quickly making her way towards inebriated, "It's Ross again."

---

"It's alive, it's alive," muttered Adamantis sarcastically as Lambert emerged from the bathroom after three hours of primping. The Incinti member scrutinized his self-proclaimed best friend for life, "I suppose it'll pass."

Lambert, who had previously been wearing his black dress thing, was now the epitome of class and sophistication. His white hair had been combed and greased back, with a pencil thin mustache drawn onto his face. The dress thing was replaced with a red velour bathrobe, complete with a freshly pressed cravat that tucked into the tie. Underneath the robe was a three piece Armani, which still had an ink tag on the sleeve, but that was besides the point. The outfit was complete with a pair of matching velour gentlemen's slippers.

"I feel like a complete tool," he said dryly, birling the wine goblet in his hand that was actually full of Hawaiian Punch, because that stuff just tastes better.

While Lambert was undergoing his makeover, Adamantis had taken the opportunity to upgrade his bachelor pad. Gone were the posters of eighties pop bands, replaced with framed black and white glamour shots of himself (Adamantis, that is. He still found Lambert's face too unseemly to ever pass as art). The shag carpet was replaced with a bearskin rug, which rested before a crackling fireplace that just sort of appeared there in a fully functional way.

"This is supposed to woo her?" Lambert asked, not really believing his BFF, who could be a bit of a pretentious ass sometimes.

Adamantis simply clapped his hands, and Barry White started playing in the air, "The only other way to ensure a seduction is to wear a paper bag over your head."

Lambert frowned, not liking the repetitive jabs at his deviously handsome face, "Now, you may be my BFF, but you're starting to be a real jerk!" There, he had finally said it.

Adamantis shrugged, "I couldn't care in the slightest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very upset Regulator to go yachting with."

With that, Adamantis clapped his hands again, and disappeared in a flash of light.

Lambert scowled, "This had better work or I'm going to ice your nancy ass," he muttered under his breath before he made his way to his address book, intent on arranging a meeting.

There was no chance Jimena could resist his sexual appeal when he had Barry White on his side.