Author's Note: Oh, boy. Here's the last part. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.
Street Fighter Beta
Part 3
A loud droning sang along with the wind as a large, extremely crappy airplane puttered through the sky. It shuddered and jolted from time to time, but the god of flight must have blessed it because it somehow managed to keep airborne despite its immense age and derelict condition. Upon the doomed vessel was a small crowd of street fighters, awaiting the arrival at their destination – Sadler's lair, where yet another street fighting tournament was taking place. Wow, are these fighters stupid or what?
Two of the unnamed street fighters were bickering with one another, shoving and squabbling like school children over the last cookie. Finally Ken stood up and faced them.
"Come ON, you two," he told them firmly, "STOP fighting over me."
"We're NOT!!" The two fighters roared back, but quickly shook hands in brotherly friendship and took their seats. Ken snorted and sat back down next to Ryu.
"Pffft! Denial." He paused and looked to his left where Chun-Li sat. "Why come along?" He asked curiously. "You in love with me or something?" Chun-Li stared at him blankly.
"I could crush your skull with my ass muscles."
"Hey, sounds kinda kink-"
She punched him in the face.
Finally the aged plane began to make its landing. Dropping altitude, the flying vehicle coasted down a irresponsibly-small runway in the middle of a desert, struggling to stay together. Out of nowhere a bitched-out big-rig roared in the way, almost hitting the plane before swerving safely away. As the plane chugged to a halt, the now very sick street fighters all scrambled out to regurgitate their last meals. Once everyone was done puking, they looked up at the big-rig, staring in shock at the driver – a flamboyantly gay Samurai-man complete with authentic armor and a fan.
"Dude…he's gayer than ME!" Ken sputtered. "And that's sayin' something!!" Everyone nodded in agreement. "You think he'd give me his number?" Everyone shook their heads. "*Bleep* you guys!!"
The street fighting crew gathered into a group and followed the gay Samurai-man through the sandy desert to a large warehouse-factory-type place, obviously Sadler's evil lab of evil. Upon entering the place, everyone was surprised (and in some cases, delighted) to find the building filled with a lovely green field of flowers. One fighter even ran from the group, twirling amongst the aromic plants, giggling and prancing-
"Ken, get BACK here!!"
"Sorry, I just couldn't resist," he mumbled, shuffling back to the others as Chun-Li glared. "It's kinda like watching Ryu shower-"
"What?"
"What?"
"STOP IT!!" Chun-Li hollered. They shut up. Suddenly the fighters noticed they were not alone. Also in the flower-filled room were a dozen or so strange-looking people, all walking about in a daze and acting, if I say it correctly, mentally challenged.
"Maybe we should leave Ken here," Chun-Li muttered.
"Not a bad idea," Ryu agreed, watching Ken make a flower-tiara for himself.
"You want one too, Ryu?"
"*Bleep* NO!!"
The fighters continued deeper into the facility, Ken still wearing his lovely tiara, until they finally arrived at a spacious, open arena ground.
"Welcome, fighters!" The evil Sadler greeted them from over an equally evil intercom. He watched his prey warily from behind a glass window set into the wall overlooking the arena. "Today, you will show me all your moves, so I can take over the wor- er, no, wait, I mean…get better at…dancing! Yes, that's it, dancing!!" The intercom went quiet for a moment. "Hurry up and start killing each other!"
"Wow, he dances?" Ken whispered to the others. "Maybe he'll give me some lessons if I win-"
"Maybe you'll SHUT UP," Chun-Li said dangerously, and Ken wisely closed his mouth.
Out on the arena floor, the fighting had begun. An enormous, mohawked black man named Birdy stepped out, swinging his chains, and faced his challenger, an Asian dude (Chun-Li cheered loudly for him) whose name I don't remember. Sadly, Birdy triumphed (Chun-Li booed), and was escorted from the arena into a dark and suspicious-looking hallway.
"Hey, hey," Birdy chortled, completely at ease, "what's the Dilly-Oh? Where you crackers takin' me?" Just then, the tuxedoed escorts disappeared and the door slammed shut, trapping Birdy in a small basement-type room. "Oh, snap! What's going on, yo?"
Suddenly gas hissed into the room from vents, filling the air with misty smoke. A TV set in the corner flickered on, and a creepy white-and-red masked puppet appeared on the screen.
"I've just released a deadly nerve toxin into the room," the puppet whispered evilly. "Let's play a game!"
Back up top at the arena, the fights continued as Sadler watched with barely restrained glee.
"Muscular data! Cellular data!" He sniggered to himself, then glanced at Chun-Li picking her nose. "Camel-toe data! Give me all your data!!!"
Ken finished his round quickly, beating the hell out of the flamboyant Samurai-man and shoving him roughly to the ground.
"THAT's for not giving me your number!" He barked down at the man's unconscious body. "You coulda had THIS," he gestured at himself, "but nuh-UH, not anymore, bucko!"
Tossing his head, he turned haughtily on his heel and sauntered away, following an escort just as Birdy had. Ryu and Chun-Li snuck after them, and together the three fighters easily defeated the guards, Ken grabbing one of them in a choke-hold.
"Where are the other Street Fighters?!" He demanded.
"S…Sadler's taking their data…for research!" The escort choked out, struggling for breath.
"Hmm…interesting," Ken muttered, then frowned. "Alright, next one! I want you to tell me…what's my favorite animal?!!"
"Gah…GAAAK!" The escort's eyes were bulging, and he clawed at the air desperately.
"Wrong! It's bunnies!"
"Good Lord, Ken, let him go!" Chun-Li intervened. "That is NOT how you do it!"
"It's not?"
"Wait a second!" Ryu interrupted, his brain working overtime. "If Sadler's taking the fighters away for research…then those messed-up people in the flowers were once Street Fighters!" He gasped aloud, a strange looking coming over his face.
"What's wrong?" Chun-Li asked, concerned.
"…Camel-toe."
Chun-Li slapped him.
"Ow…geez, bitch, you have more crotch-shots than face-shots in the whole damn movie…" Ryu rubbed his cheek, the gasped once again, another strange look coming over his features.
"What is it now?"
"I…kind of had to fart."
"Oh. I thought you could sense Shun's Ki or something else important." Chun-Li frowned. Ryu stared at her in confusion.
"…Who's Shun again?"
"That's what I thought."
The three of them decided to split up, playing Rock-Paper-Scissors to see which unfortunate bastard had to take Ken with them. Ryu won, and so happily waved goodbye as he ran off down the hall by himself. Chun-Li muttered darkly as she moved away, Ken skipping along behind her.
"Take off that ridiculous tiara already!!"
After a short while of searching, the two of them found the cell the other Street Fighters were being kept, and freed them.
"Listen to me!!" Chun-Li hollered at them as she forced open the door. "It's dangerous here! You've got to-"
"Horray, Camel-Toe!!" The Street Fighters cheered, not listening in the slightest.
"Ken, help me!!" Chun-Li begged. Ken thought for a moment, then stepped forward.
"Who wants to give me a big ol' hug and a kiss for saving them?!"
All the Street Fighters ran out screaming. Ken frowned at the empty cell, then turned to Chun-Li and raised an eyebrow in contemplation.
"NO." Chun-Li said firmly.
The two of them continued deeper into the facility, until finally they found Birdy, strapped to an insidious device with tubes and wires that was violently draining the data from him. Birdy twitched and moaned in pain, Chun-Li gasping in horror when she saw him.
"Oh my GOD!" She raised a hand and covered her mouth, aghast. "That is so-"
"KINKY!!" Ken finished. "You think he'll let me try it out after he's done with it?"
Chun-Li didn't answer. She was too busy struggling against the desire to strangle him with one of the stray wires hanging nearby.
-With Ryu-
Elsewhere in the facility, Ryu was wandering about, looking for…who was it again? Shin? Shawn? No…someone! He was looking for someone! Anyway, he came upon another (or the same?) field of flowers, in which wandered a small group of young children. Among them, one child seemed strangely familiar…
"Shun!" Ryu suddenly remembered why he had traveled all the way here – to save his kidnapped fake younger brother. "You alright?" He ran to his brother's side, who stared up at him with wide, vacant eyes.
"Look, brother!" Shun giggled. "I made you a sculpture out of my own doodie! It's stinky!"
"Shun! Oh my God!" Ryu's eyes filled with tears. "That is SO thoughtful of you! Thank goodness you're perfectly fine. Now let's go home!" He picked up Shun gingerly by the back of his shirt, and, holding him at arm's length, began moving toward the exit.
Deep in the heart of the facility, Sadler was having the data he'd extracted from the fighters implanted in himself…evilly. He chortled as he grew stronger, the data entering his body and affecting his muscles and mind.
"Yes…" he hissed softly, and evilly. "The Dark Hadou is becoming stronger! It will be mine! Hahahahaha- GAK!" He once again chocked on some sand and had to stop his evil laughter. "How the hell did some sand get in here? I need to vacuum more often…"
-Back With Chun-Li and Ken-
The Asian beauty and the American idiot had freed Birdy from the data-extracting machine, but he was severely weakened and had to be supported by the both of them. They slowly helped him to the door and into the hall, where they began the long trek to the exit leading outside.
"Seriously, though," Ken was asking the semi-conscious black man, "what was it like in that thing? Did it feel good?"
"Stop asking about that damn machine!!" Chun-Li snapped as Birdy moaned in remembrance. "Why are you so damn HORNY all the time?!!"
Ken stopped in his tracks.
"I…I'm not sorry," Chun-Li stated. "You can't blame me, you really are horny a lot of the time and-"
"Shh!" Ken silenced her. "Can't you feel that?" Chun-Li frowned and concentrated. She gasped.
"Hey! I sense Ryu's Ki ahead of us!"
"That's not Ryu," Ken said solemnly, clenching his fists. "Believe me, I know his manly scent anywhere, and that is not his!"
"…You are so effing gay."
"Jealous?" Ken asked acidly, tossing his hair and accidentally whipping himself in the face.
From the shadowed hallway stretching before them emerged a huge, hulking giant of a man with long grey hair and- HEY!! It's that same cyborg-bastard from the building tournament place in Part 2! What the hell's he doing still alive?! He looked perfectly fine, other than bandages swathing his face where his metal eye once was.
"…Are…are you jealous, too?" Ken asked weakly. The cyborg-man simply smiled grimly, and attacked. Even with the combined power of Ken's gayness and Chun-Li's Camel Toe, they were still no match for the giant. His furry white boots were simply too powerful!!
"Chun-Li!" Ken choked out as he picked himself up from the floor. "Take Birdy and get out of here! Hurry!"
"…Okay!" Chun-Li grabbed Birdy and shot toward the exit without a backward glance.
"You skank!" Ken shouted after her. "Oh, well, now that she's gone…" He slowly turned back to the cyborg and cracked his knuckles. "I'll be taking them boots."
The cyborg grinned and began using the Dark Hadou.
"…or peeing myself. Whichever."
Ryu, on the other side of the facility at the moment, wandered the site alone, having lost Shun once again with his horrible big-brother skills. Seriously, man, keep an eye on that little brat! As he walked around, figures suddenly leapt from the shadows and attacked, figures that looked a hell of a lot like…
Putties from Power Rangers! Oh, no! Ryu didn't let this faze him, and easily defeated the Putties with several well-aimed punches and kicks.
"Curses! Our ambush has failed!" Rita Repulsa hissed from nearby. "Retreat!!"
Ryu just stared in confusion as she and the Putties retreated into the darkness.
Back with our other heroes (?), Ken had been soundly beaten to the ground, as had Birdy, leaving Chun-li to fight the giant all on her lonesome. She backed away in fear, the cyborg looming over her and leering evilly.
"C…Camel Toe?" She tried, pointing at her crotch.
It had absolutely no effect.
"You're not HUMAN!!" Chun-Li sobbed as the cyborg picked her up and easily snapped one of her legs. "E…e…eleven…" She whimpered in pain. Ken staggered to his feet and managed to catch her as the Incredible Hulk threw her down.
"Ken…he's not normal…" Chun-Li sniffled. "I's like he…doesn't even CARE about my Camel Toe…*Sob sob sob!!*"
"Shh, there, there," Ken consoled, hugging her and patting her head. "Shh. That's it, let it all out. It'll be okay…" He held her for a few more moments in silence. "Hey later can you show me how you put your hair up? It's super cute like that."
"Get off!"
The cyborg decided to ruin the somewhat-touching (mostly unwanted) moment by firing a laser like he did before, blasting everyone backward into the wall and causing a loud explosion. Ken and Chun-Li tumbled out onto the arena from earlier, the more feminine of the two (that would be Ken) struggling to his feet in one final act of resistance.
"Oh, yeah? Well…you're ugly!" He stated, then fell over backward.
A single tear ran down the cyborg's cheek.
"No-one understands me," he whispered softly.
"Ken! Chun-Li!" Finally, Ryu had arrived. He stood before the hulking giant and glared. No words needed to be exchanged. Both men leapt together and began battling. At the fight raged on, Ken weakly raised his head and sniffed gingerly at the air.
"Is that…could it be…the scent of Ryu's manly sweat?! It is! I am magically revived!" He bounced to his feet and did several jumping-jacks, then turned to watch the fight. "Oh, this was all totally worth it!!"
As Ryu and the Hulk continued their battle, the cyborg suddenly stepped back and grinned.
"Yes, Ryu," he chuckled in a deep, sinister voice. "Let your rage take over! Let your anger control you!"
"Okay, what is this, the clichéd Darth Vader speech?" Ryu scoffed, rolling his eyes. "And you're even using the same voice!"
"Alright then, how's this one?" The cyborg sneered, suddenly speaking in Shun's voice.
"Wha…you sick son of a bitch!!" Ryu watched in mounting horror as Shun's face suddenly emerged from the cyborg's abdomen, smirking cruelly.
"Hello, brother! How are you-"
"Oh! Oh, GOD! What is this movie RATED?" Ryu interrupted, eyes glued to Shun. "Because this warrants an "R" right here! Good LORD!"
"…Bro-"
"I mean, REALLY!!"
"Okay, we get it!!" Shun snapped. "Stop interrupting me!" Ryu closed his mouth and shuffled his feet a bit. Shun took this as his cue to continue. "You didn't really believe I was your brother, did you?" He asked, sneering. Ryu blinked.
"But…but you knew mom's name…" He argued weakly. Shun stared at him.
"Good God you really are that stupid." So saying, Shun's face retreated back inside the cyborg's belly, but his voice continued to taunt Ryu. "Come on! Fire a Dark Hadou at me! Do it, or…I'll kill him!" The cyborg lifted up Ken by the hair, who struggled feebly in his grasp.
Ryu stared blankly at him.
"…Or…I'll kill…her?" The cybord lowered Ken and pointed at Chun-Li.
"You monster!!" Ryu roared, rage overwhelming him.
"Yes, that's good, get angry!" The cyborg laughed, still using Shun's voice. "Now…watch this!" And the cyborg took out a bag of bottles…and began breaking them.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Ryu howled in anguish as he watched. "You twisted fiend! You could have gotten seventy-five cents for those! SEVENTY…FIVE…CENTS!" With an inhuman roar, Ryu launched himself at the cyborg, and the battle began anew. Sadler watched, still collecting data and growing ever stronger.
"Was that supposed to hurt?" Shun laughed, his face appearing once again from the cyborg's abdomen as the two fighters broke apart. "This body is-"
"Oh GOD will you just stay IN there?!" Ryu cried, shoving the boy's face back where it came. "You are seriously grossing me OUT!"
"Mmph! Ow! Look, just fire off a Dark Hadou and kill me, alright?!" Shun barked, his voice slightly muffled.
"Well alright." Ryu immediately began building his power for a shot.
"Wait!" The cyborg cried, holding up a hand. "I still have to do…this!!" He whirled around and shot yet another laser beam behind him, destroying more of the arena and causing rubble to rain down.
"Oh! My shirt was disintegrated!" Ken cried, suddenly shirtless.
"…Actually, I was aiming at her," the cyborg stated awkwardly, pointing at the smoking and charred Chun-Li.
"…Oh." Ken blinked and glanced down at the shredded remains of his shirt. "Well then it got disintegrated by my burning passion for Ryu!"
"So…GAY…" Chun-Li coughed, then cried out as the cyborg kicked her harshly. Ken quickly stood and got in the way, facing off against the inhuman giant.
"I've never fought anyone just to hurt them," Ken growled, glaring at his opponent. "…Or if they had a nice butt or were really cute-"
"Get on with it!" The cyborg barked.
"Alright, to sum it all up…" Ken finished, "I'm gonna kill you. Ryu, this one's for YOU!!" So saying, he ran toward the cyborg, intent clear in his eyes, fists clenched, teeth grit-
And tried to kiss him.
"Okay, that's just WRONG," the cyborg stated, then easily threw Ken to the ground. "No means no, dumbass."
"God, I'm even hopeless with machines!" Ken sobbed, his face in the dirt.
"That's enough!" Ryu's body glowed darkly as he used the Dark Hadou. He began gathering the evil energy into the palms of his hand, just as he'd done back at the demolished building.
"Don't do it, Ryu!" Ken begged, trying to distract him. "Look, my lovely golden locks are down and I'm rubbing my muscular body with scented oils!"
Ryu paid him no attention, as usual, and continued building energy.
"Here, Chun-Li, you try! Take your top off!"
Chun-Li slapped him.
It was too late, anyway. Ryu flung his hands forward and shot the Dark Hadou at the cyborg, blasting a hole right through its abdomen and sending Shun flying free, where he landed on the ground nearby with a thud.
"This must be why…I feel so empty inside…" the cyborg whispered, then slowly keeled over. Ryu stared quietly at the smoldering wreckage that was his opponent.
"Hey, how much d'ya think I'd get for him at the redemption center?" He asked the others.
"Five bucks, maybe?" Ken mused, scratching his chin.
"Five whole bucks? SWEET!" Ryu stepped forward and began trying to crush the cyborg's body smaller. "Come on, you bastard, you gotta fit in my pocket…"
CRASH!!
The over-looking window leading into Sadler's evil lab of evil suddenly shattered, and the now all-powerful (and evil) Sadler leapt out. The data had severely warped his body, his muscles now bulging and steaming with sweat.
"Hey, that asshole had a sauna in there?" Ken loudly complained. "Lu-key!"
"Shh!" Chun-Li shushed him. "This is the best part! Be quiet and watch!"
"It'd be better if they were both oiled and naked-"
"I said SHH!!"
"Thanks for all the power, Ryu!" Sadler was saying, grinning. "Allow me to thank you!" He did so by beating the ever-loving crap out of the already exhausted Ryu.
"There really isn't…any need…to thank me!" Ryu choked out modestly as he slammed back onto the ground.
"Oh, come now, it's my pleasure!" Sadler giggled, giving him another punch. "This body is magnificent! So powerful! I can feel the evil swelling up, and flowing out of me!"
"Then say excuse me, farter!" Ken snapped from the sidelines. Chun-Li smacked the back of his head.
As the Dark Hadou once again overwhelmed Ryu, both he and Sadler began building up energy, readying shots to throw at one another. A card suddenly spun down from the sky, and Ryu groaned.
"Oh, not NOW, Miss Cleo!" He complained. "I'm still broke!"
Rose appeared and cleared her throat, mindful to use the correct accent.
"Ya haven't tuhned ovah de deth cahd yet!" She said enigmatically, then disappeared. Ryu stared in confusion.
"…Wait, what the *bleep* is that even supposed to mean?" He asked.
"That'll be an additional ten thousand dollars," Rose's disembodied voice answered.
"Son of a BITCH!" Ryu turned his concentration back on gathering energy.
"What is wrong with you? Have you no shame?" Chun-Li hissed at the camera. "Doing an ass-shot at a time like this! …Hold on." She blinked. "Ass-shot…I've got it!!"
"HRAAAAA!" Sadler managed to fire off his shot of energy first, hitting Ryu and causing him to flinch. Ryu fought through the pain and shot his own beam at Sadler, the energy converting from dark to light in the last moment. "Hah!" Sadler laughed, not intimidated. "You think you can beat me with-"
"Look, Camel-Toe!!" Chun-Li cried, gesturing at her spandex-clad crotch.
"What? Where?" Sadler immediately wheeled around to ogle, and was blasted with the holy energy, which destroyed him instantly. As the smoke cleared and everyone breathed a sigh of relief, Chun-Li smiled smugly and crossed her arms.
"See?" She said. "Told you that other guy wasn't human."
"You whore." Ken stated.
"Right back at you."
"Touché."
"And quit it with the oils already," Chun-Li told him. "He's NOT looking." Ken frowned.
"…Are you?"
"NO."
"Shun, don't die!" Ryu had ignored the bickering pair and run to his fake brother's side. He picked up his broken little body and held it close. "Who else is gonna help me find twenty thousand dollars worth of cans?"
"Why don't you just ask Ken for the money?" Shun asked weakly. Ryu shook his head.
"No, his loans always involve sexual favors."
"Oh. Ew." Shun cringed. "But…" he looked back up at Ryu, eyes misting over. "You must have known…that it was a trap, right? That I wasn't your brother? I mean…no-one's that dumb…"
"Ryu is," Ken called over.
"SHUT UP, HOMO!" Ryu shot back. He slowly stood, holding Shun in his arms, a solemn look on his face. "I shall never again use the power of the Dark Hadou."
"There's a bee on your shoulder." Shun told him.
"HYAA!!" Ryu used the Dark Hadou to blast that mother-*bleep*er back to the hive. "Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to- DAMMIT!"
"Oh…brother…" Shun gave a soft laugh, closed his eyes, and moved no more. Ryu stared down at him, tears filling his eyes.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Ow! What? What's wrong?!" Chun-Li demanded, covering her ears. Ryu looked at her and sniffled.
"I just remembered the Redemption Center is closed on weekends."
"Well whaddaya know? I'm open all the-"
"Ken, shut the *bleep* up."
-Epilogue-
Several weeks after the mind-scarring battle at Sadler's lab, life had gone back to normal for all the fighters.
Chun-Li was back to literally fighting crime in the streets of the city. She'd made the use of the word 'Camel Toe' a criminal offense punishable by death, and was patrolling the area to enforce that law.
Sakura had entered the hot-dog eating competition and won, devouring one-hundred-and-eight hotdogs in just under a minute. Even more impressive, she did it while also keeping the predator-cams away from her underage crotch.
Ken took a break from fighting for a while and went on Dancing With the Stars. The only memorable thing about him on the show were the enormous, fluffy white boots he always wore while dancing. It seems he managed to procure them after all…
And Ryu. Well…
Ryu stood back on the lonely isle, his shirt covered in fresh vomit, glaring a challenge at Akuma, who stood before him, a dangerous look on his dark face.
"Are you in a hurry to die as well?" He asked, hoisting up one of his wooden dolls and speaking through it. Ryu smirked, and from behind his back withdrew…
His own wooden dummy, with a white bandana around its head.
"But I'm not walking down the same path as you," Ryu replied, speaking through the dummy.
Akuma grinned.
"I see you can throw your voice as well," Akuma said with relish. "How wonderful."
And the ventriloquism battle began.
-The End-
Disclaimer: I don't own Street Fighter.
Author's Note: Holy cow that took a while! About thirty pages in all, too. Wow. Still, I'm quite happy with it. Next one to do is Street Fighter II, the movie. Oh, boy. *Cracks knuckles*. I can hardly wait. Later!