K

Scold me failed him

If only I'd held on tighter to him

Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me

Every painstaking detail was just perfect, and all the pieces were in the right spot. Kira would be the god of his new world, his perfect world, and Near couldn't do a thing about it. Mello had already been taken out of the picture and his friend too. Only Near stood in his way, but soon death would take him as well.

Sitting at his desk, Light Yagami sighed in contentment and leaned back in the chair. It would all be over soon, but he had to admit that the path to this place had not always been so full of certainty. Early on, he wasn't so sure that he would be able to get away with these crimes, that he would actually become the living god of the earth. Of course, if he didn't think there was a possibility of winning, if he didn't have the initiative to push through it all, he wouldn't have made it at all.

However, even in his moment of triumph, even as he approached his final goal, there was regret burning inside of him. As each day passed it had become harder and harder to push that regret, those memories, away before they swallowed up every ounce of pleasure and success he felt.

To him, L had been a comrade, a companion, a friend, and especially a lover. He never wanted it to be that way, and he had tried his damnest to keep it from happening, but things didn't always work out the way one plans them. Sleeping with L for the first time was an accident, but he had tried to turn it to his advantage. Foolish as he was, Kira bit off more than he could chew.

In his attempt to make L fall in love with him in order to keep the man away from the truth, he had only set himself up for failure. Failure to keep his emotions in check—to keep his heart cold to that strange man. Pretending to love someone was easy enough and he had done that a countless number of times. However, pretending not to love someone that you were falling in love with wasn't so easy.

Looking at the shadows flickering across the desk, Kira sighed unhappily this time. It was starting again, the regret. It was chipping away at him, continuously pounding against his heart.

Watch me lose him

It's almost like losing myself

Give him my soul

And let them take somebody else get away from me

Seeing the life fade from L's eyes had given him such elation, such a feeling of success. He had defeated the mastermind! But no sooner did he experience his victory than a sense of horror filled him. L's eyes slid shut and Kira, no, Light realized that the last thing that his enemy and lover had seen was his gloating face. It was all over too quickly, he was already gone.

Screaming in horror, he realized that he had never had a chance to really say good bye, to lock up all the feelings that he had for the older man. He never found out if L had really cared about him or if he had merely been playing the part in a sad parody of what Kira should have done.

There was no sense of closure, no peace in the death of the one man who could have put him in prison for life, or could have even gotten him the death penalty. Kira rejoiced at the death but Light Yagami suffered for it. His dreams were haunted not only by the faces of those meaningless criminals he had murdered, but now he was tormented by the face of his lover and his greatest threat. He never learned the true name of the detective and Kira didn't care that much. After all, what use was there in learning the name after he was dead? Still, Light had wanted to know, to learn more of his secrets, but that chance had passed by way too quickly.

In the silence of the room, Kira had no supporters, no enemies, only himself and the person he had crushed named Light Yagami. It was in these few moments of rest that his mind began to evaluate itself, questioning its own reasoning.

"Kira will reign soon and no one will stop him," he whispered to himself in a sad attempt to push away the guilt. "Rejoice, for I will be the god of a perfect world."

The very words sounded dead to his ears and he couldn't even manage to pretend to be happy. Resting his head on his arm as he leaned forward, he struggled to keep his composure. A god did not cry over the defeat of his enemies, but then again, a god didn't fall in love with them either. Only humans did that.

"Damn you!" he shouted into the smooth wooden desk. "Damn you!"

He could still feel those hands, taste those sweet lips. His body craved for the intimacy that only L could give, but he could only sit there suffering. How many times had he touched himself as he wallowed in the grief of being without his Ryuzaki? Too many times to count, but each time his self-loathing grew. It was disgusting, he was disgusting.

"I hate you," he mumbled to the memory that haunted him. "I love you."

Normal people wouldn't have been able to handle the stress, the insanity of it all, but Light was trying. Thoughts of winning tried to break the agony he was feeling, but it couldn't compete. No amount of happiness could ever make him forget.

Banging his head against his arm, Light reached down and stroked his member through the cloth of his pants. Today he had lost again to L. This had to be that bastard's victory: that Kira and Light could never forget him. Maybe it had been planned out, but regardless it was a steep price to pay.

Each breath came out as a hungry gasp as he slipped his hand under the pants and tugged shamelessly on the needy flesh. His hand was never enough, but it was all that he had. No one had ever affected him like this. No woman had ever held his mind and his body in such a tight fist, and he expected that no one ever would again. The feeling of that wonderful mouth taking him in, or those fingers pushing into his body was fresh in his mind and he moaned as he rocked back and forth. If only he could touch his lover one more time.

"Fuck you," he nearly cried as he jerked himself off to completion, the image of Death flashing across his mind's eye.

How humiliating. The new god was pathetically masturbating to the memories of his sworn enemy. Yes, perhaps L really did get his revenge by turning his lover into such a mess of a man—even as he was on the verge of winning their drawn out war.

"I'm supposed to be the god, Ryuzaki, not you," he whispered into his arm. "Not you."

On January 28, 2010, Kira was murdered by the Shinigami Ryuk in the presence of Near, L's successor.

Watch me fault him

You're living like a disaster

He said kill me faster

With strawberry gashes all over all over me

Author's Notes: I apologize for not putting this up sooner, but this three-shot is dedicated to Neenaw. She betaed it for me and helped me out, so this is for her. Thanks a lot, and I'm really sorry for not acknowleding it sooner. XD