Nobody's Fault But Mine
Chapter 12 – Fall Of Grace
Peyton lay on the couch, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. "They wouldn't have wanted this for you." At those words her eyes snapped open. She ran her fingers over the newly attached clasp of her bracelet. It had always been her last reminiscence of hope. A talisman of sorts. Even more so now as real hopelessness set in to her life.
It was early morning; the sun had barely begun to rise. Her lounge was still dark, the new light cast vague shadows about the room. It was a week since her accident and two days since she had been released from the hospital. She sank back into the cushions, letting her pinkie trace the engravings.
She had retracted her statement with regards to Callie's death. Antonio had bargained with her that he wouldn't press charges against Lucas whose attack back at the hospital had left Antonio with a broken nose. That he would let Jake return to Savannah unharmed even though he knew Jake had come to take her away from him and Antonio didn't like anyone to try to come between them. She couldn't risk ruining Lucas's career and even more so she couldn't jeopardise Jake and Jenny.
It had seemed to make so much more sense back then for her to give in. She'd been so numbed by painkillers and dizzied from her concussion. She'd been petrified, as she had opened her eyes to see him standing over her. She had believed herself to be as good as dead at that moment. "I'll kill you before I will ever let you leave me," were always his haunting words of control. So when instead he had negotiated his terms she had done as he asked. She was protecting people who had been dragged into her mess after all.
"Good morning," Antonio said coming out from her bedroom where he had spent the night. He had taken to keeping a fairly close watch on her since her hospital release. "You should have come to bed last night instead of sleeping on that couch."
She narrowed her eyes. She had no desire to share a bed with him. She hadn't allowed him to even touch her. "The couch is fine."
"Suit yourself. You want to be uncomfortable that's up to you. I'm going to make some coffee." He crossed to the kitchen. She pulled herself up gingerly, her rips still hurt when she moved, and then followed him.
"You know that it's Callie's funeral today," she ventured. "I want to go."
He turned to her as he filled the filter with coffee. "Ok. We can go together."
"You must be joking. There's no way in hell I'm letting you go. Besides lightening would probably strike you down if you even tried to set foot in a church."
"Well then I guess you're not going. We both know you can't be trusted."
"I can't be trusted," she spat. "You murder Callie. You have me run down. I'm lying for you and I'm the one who can't be trusted." She stood defiant, her arms folded. "I'm going Antonio. You owe me that."
He moved towards her, his jaw set hard. She expected him to strike her, but she wouldn't back down. This was too important to her
"You know you really are an intolerable woman. I've done everything for you. You remember what you were before me? In the gutter, a hopeless addict. I took you away from Donnie and the mess you managed to get yourself in. Who paid for your rehab? Who enabled you to get yourself clean off drugs? I gave you a whole new life."
"Yeah? Well you know what, Donnie may have been a bad guy but at least he wasn't a murderer."
Antonio slammed his fist down hard against the counter. His voice was low and dangerous. "Don't push me Peyton. Or I'll put you back in that hospital."
She backed away, putting the counter between the two of them. "I'm going Antonio. You don't trust me fine. I'll go with Vincent." She despised Vincent but right now he was a better option than Antonio.
He considered this option. "Fine. Go get ready. Vincent was supposed to be doing a job for me so I guess I'll do that and he can take you." Once she had left the room he hurled a vase against the wall.
-- --
Lucas arrived back to work that morning after his brief suspension. Mitch hadn't made it official with the chief of police telling Lucas he could think of it more as a cooling off period than anything else. Lucas had that to be thankful for at least. And because Antonio Garcia had decided not to press charges nothing from the events last week would go on his permanent record.
"Morning," Mitch murmured as he saw Lucas. His eyes were lined dark from lack of sleep. He had been working doubly hard in Lucas's absence. "We're going on a little road trip. Grab some coffees and meet me in the car."
"So where are we going?" Lucas asked handing Mitch his latte with an extra shot of espresso and then taking the seat behind the wheel.
"It's Callie Sharpe's funeral today. I'd promised her mother that I would go. She's a widow, no children except for Callie."
"I didn't think you liked to get involved old man." He was taken by surprise as Mitch always been a point of not getting attached.
"I don't. An I'm going to tell you why," Mitch turned to face Lucas meeting his eyes. "When I was a rookie way back when I was investigating in a murder case of little boy, he was only seven years old. The case never got solved. There was no evidence and it just got forgotten about. His mother was only kid herself. She had no one to turn to. She had lost everything when she lost her son. So I promised her that I wouldn't ever stop searching for her son's killer."
Mitch swallowed before continuing, "I would call her every year. On her son's birthday and on the anniversary of his death. Just to let his mom know that I cared, that at least one cop in this city would never forget.
"I did it for years. In the end I just used to call to see how she was doing. She never married, never had any more children. Five years ago, she never answered on the son's birthday. I thought maybe she had just forgotten I would call. Or that she was busy. So I called again on the anniversary and nothing.
"Then a few weeks later I found out she'd committed suicide. She just couldn't handle it anymore. She couldn't cope with the pain and the loneliness. And it broke me Lucas. I started drinking. I started to bury myself in my work in a quest much like yours. And you know what? It destroyed my marriage. My wife took my daughter away to Florida because of my drinking."
Lucas cast a glance at Mitch; the man's eyes were glistened with tears. There wasn't a time Lucas could remember when Mitch had been reduced to this emotional state.
"So that's why I don't get attached. Because no matter how much you might want to protect people you can't always protect them from this world. Or from themselves."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because you're a good cop Luke. Because I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I've made. You have the potential to do so well. But you've got to stop caring so much."
"That's where you're wrong Mitch. Because if you stop caring about the innocent that's when you become a bad cop."
-- --
Peyton arrived at the church early. She left Vincent sitting in the car. She walked through the doors, her heels echoing on the stone floor. She hugged herself for comfort as she stared at the figure of Jesus nailed to the cross. The supreme sacrifice for the benefit and salvation of mankind.
Being the first to arrive she took the opportunity and walked to the confessional booth. With a baited breath she sank onto the wooded chair. The priest on the other side opened the divide between them. "What troubles you my child?"
"Bless me father for I have sinned. It's been," she stopped for a brief moment. "Well it's been a long time since my confession actually. I haven't been in a church since my parents died. That was ten years ago. Truth is I stopped believing in God when they died. I figured if he could let them be taken away from me then he wasn't worthy of my belief." She sniffed back her tears that threatened to spill. "But right now I need something to believe in.
"I haven't been doing well for a long time. I've become so lost and I'm so confused. I want to make my parents proud, to be everything they would want me to be. But I fall short. Every day.
"I'm here today to pay my respects. I'm here today to comfort a mother who doesn't even know the truth about what happened to her daughter. She thinks I'm a friend but I can't be.
"I know I need to do what is right. But I'm scared. So I'm here. I don't want forgiveness Father. I don't deserve it. I just want the courage to do what is right. To be a better person. To be the person that my parents raised."
"God is with you child. And he forgives you."
She dried her eyes as she left the booth, gathering herself together again to face Callie's friends and family.
-- --
The funeral itself was a small affair. Only Callie's mother and a few childhood friends had bothered to attend. Mitch stood beside Mrs Sharpe offering a strong shoulder of support as the woman struggled to contain her grief.
The priest stood reading a passage from the bible as they gathered by Callie Sharpe's coffin to pay their final respects.
"And we ask you now for the strength and grace to help us navigate through the stages of our grief as we lay our daughter Callie to rest."
Lucas watched as Peyton laid a single rose on top of the coffin, her eyes shielded behind her sunglasses. Callie's body was then lowered into the ground. Mrs Sharpe cried softly against Mitch who tried his best to comfort her.
Afterwards at the wake once Mrs Sharpe was alone Peyton approached. "Hi Mrs Sharpe. My name is Peyton Sawyer. I was a friend of Callie's back in the city. I'm so sorry for your loss."
The woman gave her a sad smile, "you're a good friend to come dear."
"Can I get you anything?"
"No thank you," the woman stood up but collapsed on her weak shaky legs. Lucas quickly intervened catching her before she had fainted on to the floor. He and Peyton helped to sit her back down as a family friend came over with a glass of water.
With the woman now being taken care of Peyton felt her tears forming again. She moved away from the concerned onlookers crowded around Callie's mother and out into the fresh air. She stood on the steps taking a deep breath. The sound of the door clicking open again marked his presence.
"Are you ok?" He set a hand on her shoulder.
"I shouldn't be here today Lucas," she stated. "I'm a hypocrite."
"You should be here. It's good that you are here. For Callie's mom. It means a lot to her that Callie's friend is here."
"Yeah? Do you think she'd feel that way if she knew the truth?"
Lucas wanted to pursue the remark that she had just made. He saw in front of him a girl who wrestled with her guilt. He still believed that he could get through to her. But now wasn't really the time. He knew that, so instead he said, "It's good you came."
"How can it be?"
"Because you're showing that you care."
Peyton bit her lip "Lucas, I," she stopped as his partner approached them. "I should go." She made a hasty departure. Lucas stared after her.
"You need to stop it with that girl," Mitch chastised him. "She's caused enough trouble for you."
"She was about to confess to me just before you came over. She's a good person."
"Lucas if we stand any chance of catching Garcia you have got to remain professional. People are dying. We can't afford to put our hopes on whether she may or may not come through."
The two got back into the car. Lucas reached behind the seat to set down his jacket. As he did something caught his eye. He picked up the A4 sheet.
"What's this?" he asked Mitch.
"I got that from Peyton Sawyer when she retracted her statement last week."
Lucas felt his anger rise again. The picture was captioned "What will I come home to tonight?" With two clenched fists sketched in the centre, one written "Love" across the knuckles, the other with "Hate".
"Mitch this shows she's lying. She's crying out for help."
"You're probably right. But you know we can't do anything unless she comes to us."
"Were you even going to tell me about this?" Lucas shot his partner an accusing glance. He couldn't believe Mitch would hide this from him.
"Honestly? Probably not. Lucas you're far too involved with this girl."
"So you keep telling me. But you shouldn't have hidden it."
"Just drive us back to the station Lucas." Lucas did, not uttering another word to his partner along the way.
-- --
Lucas sat at home that evening rifling through the case notes and crime scene photos for Mickie Evans and Callie Sharpe. There had to be something to place Antonio Garcia at one of the scenes at least. Something he had missed. He had to be able to pin something on Antonio.
His eyes fell again on Peyton's sketch. The girl needed help.
He reached for his dinner of chilli chicken noodles in its takeout box, chewing as he glanced back at the photos that he been taken in Mickie's bathroom and the rest of the apartment. Killers, even the best of them, made mistakes. There was always something. Antonio had to have made at least one mistake somewhere along the line. Sadly Lucas wasn't seeing one yet.
He squinted; the artificial lighting was hurting his eyes. The fact that his body was begging for sleep didn't help matters either.
He scanned his eyes over the report Tina, the station's administration's whizz, had printed off for him. Maybe the cop, Donnie Richards, who Antonio Garcia had assaulted, was a possible lead. Lucas knew he was possibly reaching but he also knew right now he didn't have many other options to explore.
At a knock at the door, Lucas stood, dropping the file on the couch. He pulled open the door, expecting only Nathan would visit unannounced at this time of night.
Peyton stood in his doorway. She looked so small and vulnerable. She still wore the same black dress and knee length coat from the funeral. She had a backpack slung over her shoulder. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest.
Lucas didn't know what to say to her. All the words escaped him. He hadn't expected her to come to him.
It was the first time that day he had seen her eyes, she had wore the dark glasses throughout the course of the day. Her lovely green orbs betrayed her inner struggle she had tried to hide from him.
"I was scared," her voice was quiet and honest. "I made a mistake. Actually the past few years have pretty much been a whole string of bad decisions and bad choices. I've been messing up for so long. And I've been so weak. I'm really scared Luke. I've never been so totally lost and I……please don't turn me away."
"Hey," he reached out to hold her as she broke down. He led her into the lounge, sitting her on the couch. "Ssh come on. It's ok, it's ok."
"I can't go back to him Lucas." She kept her gaze on the floor, her voice a tentative whisper.
He lifted her chin now, drying the tears from her cheek with his thumb, "I don't want you to go back to him. Stay Peyton. I'll do everything I can to protect you."
"He'll come after me. And you," she warned.
"I'm a cop Peyton. I have a gun and the law on my side. Besides you're safer here than being on your own and on the run."
"That won't stop him though Lucas. And I can't ask you to risk your life for me. Or your career for that matter."
"You're not." He placed his hands on her shoulders. "I'm offering. Men like him are cowards Peyton. He preys on you because he thinks he can get away with it. But you'd be surprised how cowardly he'll be when you take away his control. But if he does come here believe me I will protect you with everything I have. I won't let him hurt you again and I really mean that."
The intensity in his very blue eyes showed how much he meant his words. "Thank you."
"We'll talk about this properly in the morning. Right now you should get some rest you look exhausted."
"Would you just hold me for a while. I just need to feel safe."
"Sure," he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his body. She rested her head on his chest as he ran a hand soothingly through her straightened hair. She soon gave into her fatigue as she fell asleep in his arms.
Lucas lay them both back against the couch gently, so careful not to wake her. He watched her for a while. He felt comfort in holding her warm body so close to his own. He fell into a deep slumber; Dan did not plague his own dreams for the first time in a long while.
Author's Note - I would like to thank everyone so much for all your wonderful reviews for my story so far. I would also like to thank you so much for sticking with me through the story's abuse element. It really means a great deal to me. I suffered from abuse earlier in my life, and chose to include it as a theme for my story as a cleansing I suppose. It worked well with the other themes I have and as Lucas has always been Peyton's saviour on the show it all seemed to work well together.
It has been on occasion painful for me to write and I thank you all for responding so well and encouragingly to my story. I wanted to do Peyton's journey real and true justice. I hope that I have achieved that.
This chapter marks a natural break in the story. I will of course continue if you will still have me. I've got some great stuff planned. Lots of drama, questions to the puzzle that I will start to answer for you all, a whole bunch of twists and turns and of course a budding romance between my two leads.
See bye for now. Please review and let me know what you think.
Kate