Nobody's Fault But Mine
Chapter 16 – Lonely Road of Faith
After Nathan had dropped her back at the apartment Peyton had felt inspiration set in. She'd changed into jeans and a tank top and sat in front of the fire sketching. The music was on low in the background for company. It was something she hadn't done in a while and the familiarity was comforting. Her hand moved unconsciously as lines and curves grew to form an identifiable silhouette. She'd drawn over the past years to release fear and sadness but now she drew simply to feel. Because it was something she loved to do.
She stayed like that for a long while. She shaded and blended in the lines and it was only then did she even focus on the picture she had been working to create. A smile played at her lips as she glanced at the image that had taken shape on the page.
"Hey," he said as the door cracked open and Lucas came into view. She set the sketch pad face down on the coffee table and left the couch to greet him, embracing him in a hug. He gave her a little squeeze but his figure stayed slightly rigid. He'd been standoffish since they'd almost kissed.
Peyton sensed his discomfort and moved back offering a small grin as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
"You hungry?" she asked as his stomach growled loudly.
"Yeah. I haven't eaten for a while." He dropped his bag on the floor with a thud. The two made their way into the kitchen.
Peyton set about grabbing ingredients from the fridge and pots from the cupboard. Lucas enjoyed this sense of normality that they seemed to slip into so easily. Despite the strange and awkward circumstances that had forced them together they interacted so effortlessly. He'd never made dinner with Brooke, never spent time just enjoying her company. He felt so at ease with Peyton. She gave him vegetables to chop and jars to open as her hand was still not strong enough. They chatted and he teased her as she made the recipe up as she went along. She threw in pinches of herbs and spices and told him there was nothing wrong with being a little creative.
Once the dinner was made they sat together and it was only then that their conversation turned more serious.
"So I officially got suspended today," Lucas announced. After he'd driven back from New Jersey he'd stopped off at the station and had been pulled into his superior's office for his preliminary interview. "It looks like Antonio is going to try and have me for assault and harassment. He put in a formal complaint."
"I'm really sorry Luke." She knew Antonio was relentless. If he couldn't hurt her then he would go after the man that had taken her from him. "What'll happen now?"
Lucas shrugged, "I guess only time will tell. It's ok Peyton. The chief was really understanding about it all. My record is flawless apart from the incident; the chief says I've got nothing to worry about, that this is all just a formality to appease Antonio and his lawyer."
She stared down at her plate feeling the guilt wash over her. She couldn't help but feel partly responsible. And she didn't see Antonio letting it all just disappear after an in house disciplinary. That wasn't his style.
Lucas tried to remain upbeat as he continued. "And if it goes further than that at least I have a good lawyer." He squeezed her hand to reassure her, "Hey come on. I don't regret punching him. And honestly if given the chance I'd do it again. The chief's put me on a two week suspension and then he's pretty much said he'd write me off with a written warning and I'll probably be under supervision for a while. It just means that I'll have to tread more carefully from now on."
Peyton twirled pasta around her fork, "so how did things go with Donnie? Did he help at all?"
"I don't really know." Lucas took a sip of water. "Donnie didn't really tell me much. He told me he knew exactly who these people are but he refused to tell me any names. They've got him running scared. So it was another dead end." He sighed audibly. "And if Antonio can reduce a 300lb man to that I don't know where to go next."
"Antonio controls by terror." She continued to move the food around her plate to have something to concentrate on. "Is he ok?" She'd been hurt by him but she was still concerned for his well being. She needed to know how he was doing.
"He works at a construction site. He got himself clean from drugs. He's not great but he's getting on with his life."
She gave a little nod of thanks as they both continued to eat. Lucas soon found himself staring into space pondering all the questions that zoomed around in his mind.
"You've got that look Luke," she said then. He broke from his train of thought and turned to her with a questioning expression on his face. "That perplexed detective look you get when you can't match the pieces."
Lucas smiled, "I just hate that I wasted two days chasing around New Jersey with nothing to really show for it." He chuckled then, "and you shouldn't even be able to read that look. Detectives are supposed to mask their thoughtful frustrations."
Peyton rested her chin in the palm of her hand and kinked her brow. "Then you've got a big problem Detective Scott. Because as from the first night I met you I could read you."
He knew he was flirting with her as he asked, "and what did you see?" He remembered how she had instantly known he was from a small town. It had intrigued him how she had sought him out, how she had come to him on the anniversary of her parents' deaths.
"I saw someone with a good heart trapped in a world they didn't belong in." Neither of them spoke afterwards but their eyes stayed locked on one another. The intensity of their attraction and deep understanding of where they both had come from burned just below the surface.
-- --
That night was full of sleeplessness. Peyton had felt exhaustion set in after she and Lucas had finished dinner. She had excused herself to bed earlier than usual and had changed unsteadily before lying down. However as her head touched the pillow she found she could not really shut off to fall asleep. She instead stared up at the ceiling listening to the rain falling outside.
Lucas was far too wired to so much as contemplate sleep. He had returned from New Jersey with more questions than he had answers. He still had no idea how he was going to bring down Antonio Garcia. He knew that Antonio was at the forefront of some bad deeds but what he really needed was names. As Donnie hadn't been willing to supply him with those names he was none the wiser. And as for the subject of his partner, while Mitch hadn't accepted bribes from Antonio his corruption couldn't be ruled out. After all both Peyton and Donnie attested to the fact that a lot of influential and powerful people had associated with Antonio. Mitch could have been one of them. Mitch had helped to seal the fate of his partner back then. And there was every reason to believe he had done so to silence him.
But with a two week suspension now ahead of him Lucas knew that digging into the case was going to be harder than it had been before. So Lucas had stayed up until the small hours. His head was growing heavy as he pawed through his many files. He scribbled down notes as he worked matching facts with what he knew; trying to piece together the impossible puzzle.
He wasn't getting anywhere and inwardly cursed as he leant back pinching at the bridge of his nose in frustration. His mind was beginning to glaze over. He gave in to his fatigue, lying back and stretching along his makeshift bed.
The apartment was dark as the quiet was gradually penetrated by the small fitful moans. The twisting and thrusting against the blankets led to louder and more audible murmurs of protest.
"No," rang out along the silent hallway. "No stop. Please stop."
The shrieks broke through Peyton's light slumber and she cautiously moved to where they originated from. Lucas lay battling his nightmare. His body tossed and turned violently fighting an invisible assailant.
"No, please." The moans became more plaintive and his movements became less erratic. His face was creased with pain.
Peyton was prone to nightmares herself and this one looked really bad. Even though his eyes were closed his expression was fraught and desperate. She couldn't bear to see him suffer; she shook him firmly at the shoulder and called his name.
His blue eyes snapped open as he started. He sat up bolt upright then. His eyes were distant and full of fear as for the next few moments he continued to relive the pain. She sat down beside him, scared to see him in this state.
Lucas slowly became aware of where he was, as he focused on the familiar items in his lounge. His breathing was heavy and ragged in his ears and his heart pelted painfully against his rib cage. His whole body was coated in a cold sweat. But Lucas realised he was safe.
He was mildly aware of Peyton's presence next to him. She placed a hand on his back now and was gently stroking in an effort to calm him.
"Luke? Are you ok?"
"It was just a dream." He was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince her. This one had been far worse than the others before. The details were clearer; the pain was intense and as real as it could be. "It was just a dream."
He swallowed hard. Only then did he realise that his hand was clutching at his stomach, at the place where he had been stabbed. He let out a shuddered breath and let go of his side.
Peyton moved to hold his trembling form and it was all he could do to wrap his arms around her small frame. He buried his face in her curls as he tasted his hot salty tears. They stayed that way for several long minutes before he finally settled down. She disappeared into the kitchen to get him a glass of water which he took gratefully.
She was back beside him as he gulped down the cool liquid. "What happened Luke? You were really yelling."
He attempted to shrug it all off now. "It was just a bad dream. It's been a tough day and I guess it was just taking its toll on me."
Peyton wasn't buying that so she pushed. "What did you dream about?"
Lucas had never talked about what had happened that night with anyone other than his mother, Nathan and Haley. And even with them he had tried to avoid the subject. He hated to be vulnerable. He had worked hard to become strong and forget what he had been brought up in. He wanted to leave his painful past locked away in a box at the very back of his mind.
However she had opened up to him and he found he no longer wanted to hide from her. He couldn't look at her, he didn't want to see pity in those green eyes but he spoke quietly.
"I couldn't protect her Peyt. I tried. God I always tried."
His voice broke her heart. He sounded so young and innocent in that moment. He hung his head in shame and he seemed so lost.
"It happened when I was eighteen. Nate had just won a championship. It was supposed to be a cause for celebration. But he couldn't just be proud of Nathan, not even for just one night. No he had to drink. He'd always get worse when he was drunk. Nate had stayed with his friends at a party. I'd rarely ever go out. I needed to be there with mom. I knew Dan would get bad.
"He did. Mom had gone to bed early to stay out of his way. I was in my room; I couldn't sleep as I could hear him staggering around. He came upstairs and started yelling at her and hitting her. I tried to defend her. I had this Swiss army knife. I didn't intend on using it, the threat was meant to be enough.
"I was too scrawny back then and he was way too strong. He took the knife from me and he stabbed me. He called me weak and a disappointment. My mom started yelling at him and she went to call an ambulance. He tried to stop her and in their struggle she fell down the stairs. She broke her back. He left her paralysed from the waist down."
Peyton listened as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Luke I'm so sorry."
"I failed her. It was my fault. I should have protected her."
She shook her head at that statement, "no Lucas. It's not your fault. You didn't make him drink. You didn't make him hurt her."
"I should have been stronger, I should have been enough. You know that's why l became a cop. So I would never fail anyone ever again."
Peyton crouched down in front of him then, and he averted his gaze. She took his face in her hands so he looked at her finally. "Luke you can't keep doing this to yourself. Your dad was the one responsible not you."
"The worst part is," his throat constricted now, the emotions overtaking him. "The worst part is that no matter how hard I try to move on, no matter how many of these scumbags I lock away, I always see his face."
Lucas let the pain wash over him then, "I'll never forget the look on his face when he stood over me. Then he called me a disappointment. He was ashamed of me Peyton. I was too weak to defend myself or my mother and he was ashamed."
She reached for him then and held him as he broke down. His body wracked with anguish and regret.
He broke away once his crying had subsided. He brushed back his tears and muttered he was sorry.
Now that he was calm Peyton began speaking again. "You know Antonio always blamed me after he'd lashed out. You know that's how these men work Lucas. You've seen it. It's always our fault. And this is the same. He did what he did to your mom. Not you. And I know that's what you'd tell anybody who came to you for help."
He smiled just a fraction then. It was true, and he would tell anyone that came to him just that. The cycle of abuse would only continue as long as the victim remained trapped in that very feeling of helplessness, fear and the belief that they themselves had caused it all.
"I don't know if I'm ready to forgive myself yet Peyton," he had to be honest with himself and with her. Her point was very true but the guilt and regret he had lived with for years wouldn't simply go away.
"You're a hero Lucas Scott," she said then. He was such an amazing person with so much good in him. He had taken her in and protected her unconditionally. He had given her the hope and strength to go on. "Whether you choose to believe it or not." Her cool hand traced the line of his jaw and her eyes met his. "You're my hero." She pressed a little kiss to his forehead before sitting back on the couch.
Lucas took her hand, squeezing it gently as his thumb grazed over her knuckles. He felt overcome with affection for her in that moment. "Thank you Peyt."
They remained quiet for a long time afterwards; the emotional confession had taken it out of him and Lucas stared at the burning fire as Peyton sat close to him. She let her eyes close as she rested more heavily against him.
"You should get some sleep," he said looking at the exhausted girl beside him.
"Yeah," she stood up and stifled a yawn. "It's been a long day. Luke would you lay with me tonight?" She figured he could use the comfort and she needed to be held. He wordlessly agreed and they made their way to the bedroom. He was the first to lie down; he settled onto his back, before she moulded herself next to his body, her head resting lightly at his chest. Lucas covered them both with the blue comforter. She gave into sleep immediately.
Lucas lay awake for a long time with Peyton in his arms. He didn't think he would be able to sleep, as his mind still swarmed with far too many thoughts.
She shifted closer against the warmth of his body as she slept and he stroked his fingers through her soft hair. He couldn't help but smile as he watched her; she made him forget his fears and his doubts.
She had a captivating blend of beauty, intelligence, strength and determination. She had been through so much but she kept trying. Sure she'd stumble but she'd always pick herself up again. She wouldn't let herself be beaten. He felt hope as he watched this young woman attempted to rebuild her life. Though he had known her for just a few short weeks he couldn't imagine a life without her. She made him feel less alone.
-- --
Antonio got the call early that morning. The sun wasn't even up and the brunette that slept beside him didn't so much as stir. He squinted at the caller ID on the screen of his cell and he rolled his eyes. "Meet me at our usual spot," was the command and Antonio obeyed.
A call at this time of day only meant one thing. Antonio quickly dressed and climbed into his Lexis driving to their favoured location. He put the car in park and traipsed through the wet fallen leaves that littered the path. Only a few dog walkers and jogging enthusiasts populated Central Park at that present time. Antonio spotted his associate sitting on the bench beside the fountain. He made his way over and sat down beside him. "So what's so important that it couldn't wait for the sun to rise on a brand new day?"
A file was passed into Antonio's lap and he flipped it open. He couldn't help but smirk and gloat. "I told you you should have tied up this loose end before."
"Just get it done," came the irritated response.
Antonio stood again. Neither of them was in the mood to play games. "I'll put my best on the job sir."
"I need to know what was said. This could be very bad for both of us. Treat it with the utmost urgency and importance."
Author's Note – So the chapter was slightly shorter than the last few, mainly because I primarily wanted to focus on Lucas and Peyton's growing relationship.
Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews, they make me smile. You guys are awesome. I hope that you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you think. There's more to come soon, so I'll be seeing ya ;)