This chapter is dedicated to my very own beta Mel. You are too good to me, letting me bounce so many of my ideas off you.

Nobody's Fault but Mine

Chapter 17 –Complicated Shadows

The two weeks of Lucas's suspension went by much more quickly than he had suspected they would. He had focused everything on work for so long but found he quickly slipped into a daily routine. He had never been one to sleep undisturbed throughout the night and would wake up before sunrise. He had taken to running in Central Park to start off his day. Being able to exercise regularly wasn't something that he had found time for easily and he enjoyed it. Sometimes he would run with Nathan and sometimes it was just him and his IPod. He'd push himself hard, feeding off the adrenalin that coursed through his body. The fresh air and quiet enabled him to clear his head from working late the night before. Tina had been good enough to keep digging into Donnie Richards and Mitch Cassidy's case records from two years ago and would bring over anything new that she found. The details didn't turn up much more than what Lucas already knew but everything helped.

After Lucas had ran his circuit for over an hour he would go home and take a long shower. Then he would cook breakfast for himself and Peyton. Peyton had taken to sleeping late and he'd tease her and had nicknamed her "lazybones". He knew however that she needed the rest. It turned out she too was a rough sleeper. She'd talk or cry out in her sleep. She was doing better however and her injuries had begun to heal over; her cast was due to be taken off that week. She was looking healthier and less thin and pale.

Lucas would work throughout the course of the day at his desk with books and files cluttered over the surface and spilling to the floor. And Peyton would read or draw in the room with him. They'd be surrounded in silence except the clicking of keys on his laptop or the scratching of her pencil on paper. He had found himself growing more and more accustomed to the company. She'd interrupt every now and then supplying him with coffee or a sandwich.

He couldn't help but watch at times as she worked on her art; she was so passionately engrossed with it. He saw brilliance there and he'd often have to mentally kick himself from staring too long. The same could be said when they got into a debate over whichever novel she had been reading. They'd often be up well into the night talking literature and Lucas had soon learned that Peyton was stubborn and enthusiastic just as she had indicated her father had been.

The last evening before he returned back to duty was spent as they usually were. They'd ordered pizza feeling the need for junk food and sat watching the news on CNN. At the knock at the door Lucas grabbed his wallet to pay the delivery boy and Peyton disappeared into the kitchen for plates and drinks. Lucas grinned as he shifted books and papers aside to clear a space for them to eat. As he lifted her latest book of choice something fell to the floor. He bent to pick it up.

It was a picture of Peyton with her parents. Larry Sawyer was tall and gangly and Anna had those stunning green eyes and wild blonde curls. Standing between them was a pre teen version of Peyton. Lucas smiled; she looked so happy and so content.

"Hey what you got there?" she came up behind him and saw what held his attention.

"You look so like your mom," he told her then.

"Yeah. And I got my dad's skinny legs that had me teased all through Junior High." She sat on the couch helping herself to the largest slice of pizza.

Lucas followed suit, "How can that be? Those are supermodel's legs," he remarked. He noticed those legs of hers at the very start and they were such a stunning feature.

"Not when you're ten and taller than every boy in your class."

"You were cute," he stated with finality. "You looked really happy Peyt." It was heartbreaking to know that one cataclysmic event had reshaped her life so drastically.

"Yeah. I was." She gave him one of her sad little smiles. "I really miss them. But I want to make them proud of me. I was thinking of going back to school when all this is over. I want to start living the life they always wanted for me."

"Great. That's really great Peyton." He knew she had the potential for so much.

Once they had gorged themselves on far too much food Peyton lay back on the couch and Lucas sat with her feet in his lap. It was a familiar position that they often found themselves in. To anyone looking in they would look like a couple that was meant to be but to them it was natural. But maybe they were both too oblivious to see the truth. Or maybe they were simply just too afraid to admit it.

"So can I ask you something?" she said breaking the quiet that had fallen over them as they watched some old black and white movie. "It's just you haven't said much about your divorce. And I was wondering if you were ok."

Lucas shrugged a little at the question. "Truth is I haven't really thought about it." His divorce had been finalised now and with the news of it all being official he'd probably only spent a few moments thinking about it. "Brooke and I weren't meant to be," he said then. "It's all for the best."

"But you must have loved each other once right," she probed. "You two got married after all."

"Sure I did. But we weren't right for each other." It seemed strange confessing the private and intricate details of his marriage's failures with someone he was falling for. "Brooke was great. She was everything I thought I wanted. But I think that really I loved the idea of Brooke. I mean she was so unlike the girls I knew growing up and she was funny and kind of addictive I guess. But the more I got to know her the more I realised she wasn't really the girl for me. Brooke never really understood me Peyton. She never got my commitment to the job." He exhaled and tilted his head back. "And I never really gave my heart to Brooke."

Peyton smiled at his refreshing honesty. She liked that he would open up to her the way he did. She also had to admit that she felt inferior to his ex wife. Brooke to her was intimidating. His ex wife was stunning, strong and successful.

They'd talked about most things by now but the one thing that had never really been brought up was the subject of their past relationships. Lucas had steered clear as he felt it may just be too painful for her. Plus he harboured his own feelings towards her. But as she had started this particular conversation he chanced asking her about her own past.

"Did you love Donnie?" Lucas felt the words pass his lips, heard them echo in his ears and he instantly felt bad for saying them. He'd had a hard time picturing Peyton and Donnie Richards together anyway. Sure he knew that she had changed vastly since then but it wasn't a pairing he would have never placed together.

"Yeah I did." She let her eyes meet with his. It was her turn to be honest. "I mean it wasn't a good relationship. I was young and he was kind of controlling but I loved him. Sometimes he was nice so it wasn't all bad. But then I guess I'm just bad at relationships. I mean factor in that I have like a magnet that pulls in these crazy horrible guys. And then that I'm too scared to give my heart away and it kind of just equals disaster."

Lucas smiled. He knew how hard it was just to trust yourself into opening up to another person. His marriage had failed on those grounds. Brooke had committed to him and he'd sealed his own fate by not letting her in.

"And as for Antonio," Peyton began saying as she toyed with the sleeve of her shirt. "It was just like, I knew who he was. I knew he was bad and wouldn't want anything serious with me. And in a way that made it a whole lot simpler. I knew he didn't love me and it was better that way as crazy as that sounds. I mean if you don't care you can't get hurt right?" She gave a small laugh then, "I bet that sounds really bad right?"

"Not really. I don't know Peyt. I think that we all put up barriers. I did with Brooke. I never let myself be vulnerable with her. I buried myself in work, my job was my life and I drove her away."

Peyton rested her head back against the cushions behind her. "So we both are just crap with trusting people and committing. So what we're doomed to loneliness?" She had run from every opportunity and she knew it.

"Relationships can be hard," he offered then. It saddened him that a woman with such a capacity for love and compassion had been so badly hurt and betrayed that she was so afraid that that pain would reoccur if she took a chance again.

"Or at least we make them hard. I make them hard by not letting anyone in. I just don't want to be left alone again." It had hurt too much to carry on after her parents had died so she'd shut herself off from the world. "Do you think we'll ever be happy Luke?" she asked then. She motioned to the TV where the couple on screen were immersed in a long kiss. "I mean they make it all seem so easy in the movies. Boy meets girl and they fall in love and cue the happy soundtrack. And then there's me in real life and I can't even say I love....."

"Peyton," he cut her off then. It almost broke him to hear her utter her long imprinted fears of abandonment. "You're gorgeous and you're so young. You've had some bad experiences. But that doesn't mean that you're never going to be happy. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Me other the other hand," he gave her a crooked grin. He attempted to make light of the subject now. "I'm divorced at twenty seven and I'm married to my job."

She gave a small laugh, "yeah but you're handsome and you probably just need to learn to prioritise."

"Yeah probably," he'd learnt enough from watching Nathan and Haley, his mom and even from Mitch Cassidy to know that balance was what made marriage and career compatible.

Lucas stood then as she stifled a yawn and he offered her his hand which she took and they made their way into the bedroom. Since the night when he'd confessed his own secrets they had taken to sleeping in the same room. The routine that they had fallen into was inherent. They understood how each other worked and they were there for each other, comforting each other in times of need. They settled into each other's arms for the night.

-- --

Lucas awoke to the annoying buzzing of his alarm. He carefully moved from Peyton's peaceful form. He showered quickly and dressed before making coffee for himself in a thermos flask. He carried a cup through for her too and grinned as he saw she was now awake.

She was cute in the mornings with her dishevelled hair, sleepy eyes and slightly grumpy demeanour. She sat up groggily and took the coffee with a thank you.

"You sleep ok?" he asked as he fumbled with his tie. He had a return to work interview with the Chief of Police and he wanted to make a good impression. The chief had kept his word to Lucas giving him a written warning and a promise to monitor his behaviour for the next few months so Lucas knew for a while at least he'd be jumping through political hoops.

"Yeah." Peyton took pity on him after watching him struggle. "There you go, all perfect," she said as she fixed his collar.

"Well I should go," he said shrugging on his jacket. "You going to be ok?"

"Sure. I'm probably just going to sleep some more." In truth she didn't want him to return to work as she had become so used to spending all their time together. He gave a hug, holding her for a little too long and she wondered then if he was thinking the same thing. He'd then murmured a goodbye before leaving.

He had decided to walk that morning as the mid autumn day was mild and pleasant. As Lucas walked hurriedly across the police parking lot someone shouted for his attention.

"Detective Scott."

He turned his attention towards the direction where his name had just been called. He spotted Nora instantly; her expression was fraught as she swayed from one foot to the other. His stomach dropped as he questioned why she would have come here to see him. He approached quickly. Her eyes met with Lucas's as she moved to meet him.

"Can I talk to you for a moment? Over there," she motioned to a more secluded space.

"Sure," Lucas followed her. He knew something was wrong. She had driven all the way down here and the last time she had seen him she had been less than friendly.

"Donnie's missing," she said simply.

Lucas felt a lump form in his throat. He knew this couldn't be good. "How long ago did he go missing?"

"Three days after you visited. He went to work and he didn't come back home that night. I checked where he works and they said he left for the day as usual. They said he was fine. And then the following morning he didn't show up."

"Have you reported him missing?"

Nora snorted; she was reverting back to her defensive self. "Of course I have. And no one really cares. They think he's just gone off with some girl. You people are never bothered are you?"

Lucas chose to ignore that annoyed generalisation. He knew she was scared. "Are you sure that there's no one he could be staying with? You two didn't just have a fight or something?" He had to cover all the options and he quickly fell in to that mode that had become in breed into him.

The woman folded her arms, "we always fought. And no he wouldn't go stay with anybody because he no longer trusts anybody." She sighed. "Look on the night after he saw you he told me that if anything bad happened I needed to come find you. So I have."

"I'll do what I can," Lucas promised then. He had taken Nora's details and once in the station he asked Tina to see if anyone who matched Donnie's description had been spotted or admitted to a hospital.

-- --

He hadn't been able to shake the feeling of guilt and unease throughout the course of the day. He sat at his desk as he needed to get up to speed with what had been going on whilst he was out of action. That made it worse as he had far too much time to think. He had called Peyton and she hadn't wanted to be on the phone long. She clammed up instantly with him for the first time since everything with Antonio. He worried that she might blame him but tried to reason with himself that she was in shock.

Lucas was about to grab some dinner when he received the fateful call. He felt the icy dread creep up the back of his neck. Truth was he had expected it; he had been on tender hooks all day. He drove down to the location of the crime scene knowing what he would find.

The neighbourhood wasn't a nice one. He was told by an officer on duty that the body had been discovered by two teenagers who were trying to get into a downtown bar. He flashed his badge and ducked under the taped barriers that had already been formed around the scene.

The CSI's finest Pete Reynolds was busy taking pictures and piecing together the evidence pack to be sent away for analysis. He looked up as he saw Lucas approach and gave a nod of greeting. "Evening," he said, his tone was gloomy as he motioned to the figure lying at his feet. "This one isn't for the faint of heart."

As Lucas's eyes travelled down to the ground he felt his stomach heave. It was Donnie Richards or what was left of him. "Pretty brutal," he uttered.

There was no doubt in Lucas's mind that Donnie had been subjected to a great deal of pain in order for him to disclose the information that his captures had wanted to acquire. Lucas knew this had to be the work of Antonio and his associates. And he couldn't help but feel responsible for Donnie's dismal fate. Since he'd had the conversation with Nora that morning he knew that his visit to New Jersey had sparked this whole chain of events.

"He was one of our own," Pete said then. "Well he was. It's worse when it's someone you know."

Lucas agreed to that sentiment sadly. Both men turned as Mitch then immerged at the scene. Mitch reacted in a way that was never to have been witnessed by either of them. He was a seasoned professional, he'd seen many a dead body, but at the sight of his ex partner he took out his handkerchief and covered his mouth.

After Mitch had controlled his need to gag he turned his attention to Pete. "Are the two boys still on site that found him?"

"Yes, they're with the police liaison now."

"Well I'm going to go see what they have to say for themselves. Detective Scott you carry on as you were."

Pete cocked his head toward Lucas, "you still with me there kid?"

"Yes sir. What have we got?" He crouched down for a closer look.

"Well looks like our vic died from a single bullet to the right temple," Pete said as he gently rotated the victim's head for Lucas to see. "He has some defensive wounds on both arms, skin under the finger nails. Big guy like this didn't go without a fight. The samples will be sent away for analysis."

"Thanks Pete. You'll put a rush on this right." With a nod from the CSI Chief Lucas made his way over to Mitch who stood looking over his notes.

"Well the two boys were able to describe the guy who they say dumped the body. And they were good enough to supply us with the registration plate of the black SUV so it shouldn't be too hard to trace. I'll have someone go through the databases as soon as we get back to the station."

-- --

After the CSI and police personnel had finished at the scene Lucas and Mitch had headed back to the station. Lucas had called a distraught Nora to tell her that her brother had been found dead. He'd listened as she cried in disbelief and then as she shouted and blamed him.

Lucas had felt his exhaustion take over and his composure and strength weaken. He made his way into the locker room. He pressed his forehead up against the cold metal of his own locker.

The guilt and regret that he had been holding back finally burst to the surface. It was hard enough to deal with death, cruelty and the other horrors of the world without believing that you were the catalyst that had set it off. Donnie had been in hiding. Donnie had been fine for two years. He had been given a warning and he had kept quiet. He had died for nothing, as he hadn't told Lucas anything. That to Lucas made it even worse.

"Rough night huh?" Lucas had thought he was alone.

"You could say that," Lucas turned to face Mitch. Since he had returned Lucas had tried to avoid any real time spent with his partner. This was the first time they had been alone and without distraction and Lucas felt his guard go up.

Mitch sat down on one of the benches and sighed. "So I've been trying really hard not to bring this up all day. But I need to know why Nora Richards came to you this morning."

The young detective took a moment to register that. He hadn't realised that Mitch had seen that exchange. He didn't know how to answer, he knew Mitch Cassidy was no fool and would see through any feeble attempt at a lie. But he still didn't trust Mitch.

"Nora came to tell me that Donnie was missing."

"So you've been in touch with Donnie Richards?" his partner's voice was level and void of emotion. Lucas had seen Mitch in interrogations many times and knew this was how he liked to conduct himself. He would remain calm and hide his own feelings so he could get the most out of whoever he was questioning. "And why would you get in touch with Donnie Richards?"

"Because I wanted to know why your ex partner got thrown off the force," Lucas felt his own voice raise just a fraction. He had been holding in the anger and disappointment of Mitch's possible betrayal for too long now and he was tired of hiding it. He wanted the answers that no one seemed willing to supply.

Mitch narrowed his eyes, "and what? You couldn't just come to me and ask about it? Look Lucas I found out that Donnie was working both sides. I tried talking to him and I knew he was in way too deep. He betrayed me Lucas not the other way around. I wrote a report stating simply that yes I knew he was accepting bribes. You don't believe me go read the report."

"So that's it? That's all that you wrote and it ended his career."

"Like I said, read the report. I was just doing my job." Mitch stood then and made for the door. He paused and turned back to face Lucas. "I thought we were partners Lucas that means we are supposed to trust each other. If you don't trust me then maybe you need to think about requesting a new partner. Because I for one can't work with someone who I can't trust. So go home, get some sleep and then let me know what you've decided."

-- --

Lucas took Mitch's advice and arrived back at the apartment after 4am that morning. He intended to break the news to Peyton and try then to get a couple of hours sleep before heading straight back to the station. As soon as he opened the door he saw her waiting there anxiously in the hallway. One look at his sad eyes and dire expression and she knew. She buried her face into her hands and he pulled her in close to his chest. Her body was shaking as her tears soaked into his shirt. Not a word was spoken as they both clung on to one another in search of comfort.

A while later he felt himself dozing on and off as the two of them sat on the couch, his body trying to alleviate some of the exhaustion he felt. The rising sun had started to cast shadows about the room. Peyton's hand was idly stroking over his fore arm.

At the ringing of his cell Lucas groaned as he went to answer it. "Scott," he grunted in his disorientated state.

"You need to get back to the station," Mitch told Lucas then. "We have the man who the SUV is registered to and he fits the description the two boys gave. You should know," he added as an afterthought, "it turns out the guy is Tina's brother."

Lucas took a moment to process that. "Does she know that we have him in for questioning?" He grabbed his jacket as he stood up from the couch.

"She will do when she gets to work."

Lucas hung up and turned to Peyton, "we may have found one of the guys responsible for Donnie's death. I need to go back in." He gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. "We'll get them Peyt."

She nodded at that. Lucas was out of the door like a shot. He may finally get some answers.

Author's Note – So I just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you who read and support my story. You guys are so amazing. All will be revealed in due course and as I am now well into the second half of the story you can expect a rollercoaster of events.

So I hope that you enjoyed the chapter, drop me a review if you like and I'll be updating soon.