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"We lost four men. Tagachi is alive and being interrogated as we speak. Mitchells and his wife alive without a scratch. Codes intercepted and the country is now thirty million dollars richer." The Director read from their report he sounded sad at the beginning. He looked up at them.

"Wow. Guys…" he was speechless.

"Director really." Beckman said.

"I am just congratulating these guys on a successful mission. I know the loss of Burton, Hutch, Alistair and Lee must be hitting you hard Chuck. But they were good men. They died an honorable death."

"At the gun of a thug? I don't find that honorable at all." Chuck said angrily.

"Chuck they were in a mission. They had a gun in their hands they were fighting to protect their country. They died doing what they loved." Chuck nodded.

"You guys enjoy the rest of the break. And I think you can retire the Cullen's…and whoever you are Casey." The Director said.

"Indeed." Beckman signed off.

"I've put in a request for an extra few days off for you guys. Sarah, Casey there's an issue that has come to my attention regarding your past assignments. Chuck would you mind giving us a minute." Chuck nodded and left.

"I'll be at the bar." Sarah watched him go anxiously.

"What is it? My unit been taken hostage in Iran or something?" Casey asked.

"That was a lie. Look, guys Chuck. Chuck just killed. Sarah I know you're worried. I am too. You guys have to help him through it. If you can't. I've got the best Agency Psychologist on standby."

"Thank you Sam." Sarah said.

"Go on Sarah I'll fill Casey in." Sarah left.

"I've given your team leave right up to Ellie's Wedding and a week after that too. Its going to take a while for him to accept what he's done." Casey nodded.

"Thank you sir."

"You should go help them Casey. You're part of the team."

Chuck was on his third tequila shot when Sarah came down. She grabbed his hand before he could take the fourth.

"Chuck. Look at me." He didn't. he glared down. She took his face and forced him to look at her.

"I said look at me." He did. his eyes were in anguish. tears soon began to roll down his cheek. She hugged him tightly.

"S-Sarah. I…I..I wasn't ready." He said between his sobs. She started to cry too.

"No one ever is Chuck." Came a soft voice next to them. Chuck and Sarah turned to see Casey staring into a glass of scotch as he swiveled its contents around.

"I wasn't." Casey said. Chuck was stunned. Casey, the lean mean killing machine was sharing an experience…well maybe he wasn't lean.

"I remember the first time. We all do." He said before taking a sip. Sarah nodded.

"Marine Corps. First tour of duty. The year before I was called into Ty Bennett's training program."

FLASHBACK

A Special Forces Team consisting of six men were trooping down a village street. All heavily armed. They turned a corner and their names flash in the sunlight.

BURNS

DENVER

BLACK

FRANKLIN

JOHNSTON

CASEY

"I was the rookie on the team. First Lieutenant Casey."

The man in the front, Burns, held up a fist and indicated for them to be vigilant. He then pointed to a building down the street.

"Shoot to kill. We got word that a man involved in an attack at the local barracks was hiding out here. Those were our orders. Shoot to kill."

Burns kicked the door down. Screaming instantly broke the silence of the day. Burns started yelling in the foreign language as the team proceeded in. Two men went towards the back. The rest went up the stairs. Casey was with them. He glanced back. Burns was still yelling at an elderly woman clutching a young girl.

"They were this man's mother and daughter. Even bad guys have a family."

The team burst into the room to see a man jump out the window.

"CASEY!" Black roared. Casey took off he leaped out the window and rolled onto the roof.

"STOP!" Casey roared after him as he ran, gun still in hand. They ran and jumped on rooftops. This man was agile and wasn't weighed down with Special Forces Equipment. They reached the end of the buildings. There was nowhere else to jump.

"Turn around." Casey panted. The man did drawing a gun. Casey raised his M16.

"Don't be an idiot. I'm padded. You're not. I don't want to shoot you."

"Of course you do. All you Americans want to do is kill!"

"SHUT UP!" Casey roared walking forward.

"NO! STAY BACK!" the man cocked his revolver.

"Put the gun down. Come with me. Look man you want your daughter to hear you being shot?"

"If I come with you I'll never see her again!"

"I couldn't deny his logic of course. He'd have been shipped to Guantanamo and he would've died there."

"Why did you do it? Why did you blow up the barracks?" Casey asked.

"They promised me they'd keep my family safe. My mother, my daughter."

"You killed young innocent kids."

"They came for war. They got war."

"Put the gun down. DON'T!" the man fired it hit Casey's Kevlar vest. He grunted and fired and instantly regretted it as bullets tore into the man. Everything was in slow motion. The gun fell from the man's limp fingers, he fell to his knees, he coughed blood and slumped forward. Casey gasped horrified and dropped his gun as he stumbled backwards.

"Good work Casey!" Burns said coming up behind him and clapping his shoulder.

"You alright?"

"He fired at me. I had to shoot."

"Should have shot before he got the chance. Denver! Tag and bag. Take the mother in for interrogation."

"Sir! What do you mean!?" Casey asked horrified.

"I'd never wish for you guys to wish Colonel Burns. He's a heartless man."

Casey was fidgeting in his cot. He was sweating profusely and muttering, he sat upright, his eyes wide his hand outstretched. He looked at it then up to the window. He was breathing heavily and then he did something he hadn't done since his father died. He cried. He wrapped his hands around his knees and rocked on his bed. Tears streaming down his face.

"I'd dreamt the whole scene over again. This time his daughter and mother were there. Watching me. I tried to stop myself." Chuck and Sarah stared at Casey as he finished his drink. Sarah didn't realize fresh tears were pouring down her face.

"How did you get over it Casey?" Chuck croaked. Casey turned to his side to look at Chuck. His eyes were watery. Threatening to release tears at any time.

"I never did. I dream about that man and his daughter almost every night."

"Then…"

"The first kill will never leave you Chuck. It never can."

"I remember my first." Sarah said. Chuck and Casey looked at her. Chuck put his arms around her. She hugged him tight and began to speak.

"It was at Omaha. After we were ambushed. Melissa, Bryce and I had to get out. we were in the heart of the operation."

An empty white hallway. Three people suddenly appeared at the end of it. All clad in black. Two girls, one boy. All in their early twenties. One girl was blonde. A young Sarah Walker. The other had dark hair and a gun. Melissa Bennett. The boy was unmistakably Bryce Larkin, he too had a gun. Sarah had nothing but her training.

"Where are we?" Melissa asked looking around.

"Freaking training center's never have any signs." Bryce said angrily.

"We should go straight we'll find something." Sarah said.

"Brilliant plan Sarah. Unless of course we run into the baddies that have taken over the place!" Bryce said. Sarah turned to glare at him, he returned it.

"Guys. We need to stick together! Now is not the time for you two to start your love-hate thing!" Melissa said.

"No. Now is the time to drop your guns and kick them to me." They all turned. A bald man with a scar travelling from his left eye down to his nose spoke. He had four men behind him. All armed with submachine guns.

"At that point we didn't see any way out."

Bryce and Melissa put their guns down as Sarah held her hands up.

"Good. Come here. Slowly." They did. Bryce was held by two of the men, Sarah and Melissa had one each. That was their mistake. Underestimating these two ladies. In a moment Sarah had her guy unconscious with a kick to the jaw. Melissa's guy was clutching a broken arm before she knocked him out. the girls kicked out at Scarface at the same time. He collapsed next to his men.

"STOP!" they turned to see the two guys holding Bryce jamming their guns into his neck.

"One more step and he dies!" Sarah's eyes darted all over to look for something, anything that could help. Bryce moved kicking one guy in the gut and knocking the gun out of the other guys hands. The man attacked him brutally. The other men recovered and was about to fire. BANG! BANG! BANG! A series of shots. Nobody moved. The man with the gun fell backwards. The man strangling Bryce turned to see Sarah holding his gun.

"Get off him." Sarah said. He got up slowly.

"What is it about men and always having to try and be the hero?"

He drew a handgun, a shot barely missed Sarah who then fired again. His body shook as it was riddled with bullets. Bryce stood up rubbing his throat. Melissa approached Sarah tentatively.

"Sarah?" Sarah dropped the gun and covered her mouth with her hands. She looked horrified.

"Sarah. No. they tried to kill us. You had to." Bryce said grabbing her shoulders trying to comfort her. Sarah sniffed and nodded.

"Of course then we found out they were Homeland Security. Those men were Agents Jonas Tolley and Karl Todd. Tolley was married with a four year old son. Todd was a widower with a twelve year old boy. He went into a foster home."

Two coffins covered in the flag, next to each other. One service. Portraits of Jonas Tolley and Karl Todd stood next to the respective coffins. Farther down the cemetery a young blonde woman wearing big sunglasses and a dark overcoat stood watching. Bryce Larkin came to stand next to her in a suit.

"You did what you had to-."

"Don't Bryce. Not now. Nothing you can say. Can make this right."

"It isn't right." Came a gravelly voice from behind them. Graham was walking towards them.

"But you did what you did to survive. To help Bryce. Which is what we're trained to do Sarah. Regrettably your first kills were these guys. But if you hadn't killed them. You, Bryce, Melissa. It would be your funerals today."

"That doesn't make me feel any better."

"Its not supposed to. But you're an Agent now. So harden up." Graham turned and left. Sarah turned to stare at Bryce who just shrugged and walked away.

"I'm not going to say 'harden up' Chuck." Sarah said.

"And I'm not going to say you should have shot them before they got the chance to kill Burton and the others." Casey said.

"The first kill is the hardest. It doesn't get easier. But you come to terms with the fact that at times you will have to kill, because if you don't, it could be you who's taken to the CIA morgue."

"How do you do it?" he asked them.

"In the heat of the moment Chuck. Its all about staying alive, fighting for the greater good. Later as you try to reason with you soul. You can say you did what you had to do to make the world a better place. I won't be easy Chuck. And I hope for your sake you never stop feeling guilty about killing. It means you're still human." Casey said.

A little insight I think into what possibly happened in my Chuck Universe. Review please. If you didn't like this story, then go to Chuck's Databank of Awesome Stories at Chuck Communities where you'll find Chuck Approved Stories. If you DID like it. Thank you, much love. But check out the Community anyway.