Episode 23 - As Fast As She Can

Metamorphosis

When Ted comes back into the apartment he takes one look at Robin, fist still raised for a bump, and he rolls his eyes.

"Jesus," he says. "You're turning into him."

"Who?" Robin asks with a confident smirk. She's in a good mood today. It's Saturday which means no work, a decent sleeping schedule and she's meeting Lily in MacLaren's later. It feels like ages since they hung out together without the guys.

"Who?" She repeats, when Ted's amused expression collapses into complicated war between guilt and cover-up. He coughs and shrugs.

"No-one." Ted about-turns and heads back out the door.

"Ted," Robin says, warningly, in the same tone she used when her dogs misbehaved. With five of the suckers, she had developed a warning tone that could prime nuclear missiles in bunkers all over the freakin' country.

"Barney," Ted blurts.

"What?" Robin wants to say, in a haughty and outraged tone. But it would be ridiculous to deny it because she does sound exactly like Barney and it was kind-of deliberate… But…! It was supposed to be a joke! And maybe there was some side to it because Barney is Ted's best friend and maybe she's missed some of their closeness since they stopped sleeping together...

Or maybe she's just aping Barney because he's funny and awesome.

Or - ohmygod, did she really just think that previous sentence without any trace of irony?

So the retort dies in her throat because Ted looks upset and confused and that's probably about Stella, not her. Robin's mind is going into overdrive right now with theories and sadness and weirdness and all that she can think of for a moment is that perhaps Ted's still a little bit in love with Stella and shouldn't that make her feel just a little bit jealous?

But no. Robin feels icky because she doesn't feel anything for Ted any more. In fact the only person who springs to mind when she even thinks the word love is-

It's not love. It's just tingles and sweetness and laughter and wanting to be there with him just to watch what Barney does next. She just wants to watch the show.

The Barney show.

She wants him to tell his ridiculous dirty stories and make her snigger because his fantasy life is way, way cooler than her boring, mundane, real life.

She wants Barney to look into her eyes and whisper sweet (filthy) nothings in her ear. She wants him to-

Kiss…

Her…

Robin goes pale and stands up slowly, cricking her back.

"It was a joke Ted," she snaps. "Get over it." He shrugs, grabs his coat and keys and heads straight out.

Boy, she's got a lot of thinking to do.

*--*--*

Barney does feel bad for dragging Ted and Stella all the way out to New Jersey. But hey, it's not the first time Ted's bailed him out of jail and it won't be the last.

He's feeling a little down and Robin suggests they go play paintball, because that's the obvious thing to do when you've just lost $2,000 in one afternoon and you're kicking your feet against the ground like a sullen six-year-old.

Plus, he figures she feels kind of guilty for teaching him to drive that fast in the first place.

But before she even has a chance to pull on her sneakers, Barney's cell phone rings and it's-

"James!" He says, practically bouncing off the couch. "You're where? Dude! Why didn't you say?" He covers the phone with one hand and runs to Robin's bedroom, his words exploding in an almost meaningless stream. "James and Tom are here on a flying visit and are at Mom's right now so we need to go… right NOW!"

She doesn't exactly look pleased about it, but he drags her out of the building and into a cab and a half hour later they're pulling up outside his Mom's. James bursts out of the house, all brashness and wide-smiles, and Sam darts towards them like a little scud missile. He lets the kid go maul Robin at first, because he loves to see the girl squirm, and then he lifts Sam up on to his shoulders and carries him down the path into his Mom's house.

It's hard for Scherbatsky - it must be hard! With his Mom yelling and Tom and James chasing Sam around the living room. She stands in the corner, tentatively removing her coat like she's wondering why in the hell she agreed to this.

Then Tom suggests they drink a toast - to Sam's and Barney's birthdays, which come within a week of each other.

Robin raises an eyebrow. No, she never asked when his birthday was and he's never told. What's the point in celebrating birthdays after you hit twenty-one? Another awesome year, another slightly-less awesome one ahead. Maybe.

And Jesus, when did he become so introspective?

Still, Sam's presents will have to wait until he can make a the trip to see his brother's family because today is about everyone being together. Him, Mom, his brother. Robin.

Later, he overhears his Mom and Robin talking in the kitchen, after he's spent an hour in the garden teaching the kid how to throw a ball. It's crazy that it's left to him. Marriage must have made James's muscles soft as well as his head.

Anyway, he sneaks back inside and dumps the worn-out kid on the couch and stops by the kitchen door when he hears Mom's voice.

"He's a good boy, my Barney," his Mom is saying in a vapid, sing-song voice. He shakes his head. How much has she had to drink?

"Could be a lot better, Mrs Stinson," Robin replies.

"You gonna help him with that, sugar?" His Mom snaps back.

Way to go, Mom!

He can hear Robin shifting awkwardly by the counter before she finally says, "Someone has to, I guess," and she laughs.

His Mom laughs too. Wow - since when has his Mom liked any of his friends? This is a first! "Yes, my dear," she says. "They certainly do."

.