Chapter 8: Feeling the Emptiness
Edward
I had to see it for myself. I knew Carlisle would tell the others that I needed time; he wouldn't let Alice follow me, even though he couldn't stop her from watching for me. I had to go and see Bella's supposed happiness for myself, but in keeping with my promise I would not let her see me. I had to keep that promise. I had done so much to her she didn't deserve, I had to do one thing right.
I could not go to her house first of. That was too painful. So instead I went to the school. Not in it of course, I did not want to be seen, but I did hang around outside. It helps to have super, well, everything, because it meant I could watch her from afar.
Watching her at lunch was difficult. She and I used to eat together. Well, she ate and I watched, but it amounts to the same thing. She sat with her human friends, but did not join much in the conversation. Sadly I could not help but peek in on the thoughts of a few of them.
Jessica was fretting about homework left undone and only half listening to the rest of her friends, but Angela had some interesting thoughts. Apparently she had either asked or been told about Bella's new boyfriend, and she and Bella sat, heads together, talking about it. Ugh. I shuddered but listened anyway. Was this not what I had wanted?
One of the Rez boys. Hmm, I hope she knows what she's doing. It's only been a few months since Edward left, but it sounds like this boy really likes her. And I think she might like him back. Angela's thoughts made me cringe. Even if Mike didn't have a high opinion about him. Huh, I think I remember which one he was from that beach cookout now…
Speaking of Mike Newton, I left Angela's head and focused on the boy in question. He was pretending not to listen to Angela and Bella but his thoughts said otherwise. Ugh. Jacob Black. Isn't he too young for her? I hate to admit it but I think even Cullen was a better choice. I wish she could just see it.
After that his thoughts digressed into the differences between Jessica Stanley and Bella, and I drew away. Pondering what I had "heard" I only half noticed Bella stop and peer out the window as she went to dump her tray. She had a slight frown on her face, but then Jessica tugged her arm and they went off to class.
I had resituated myself out in front of the school for the end of it and gazed longingly at her as she left. She had her arms hugged close around her chest and was huddled into her jacket, though I don't think the day was that chilly. The noise didn't register until he came into view, riding a motorcycle. And then the worst part, Bella got on the bike. No one looked particularly surprised that some guy was picking Bella up, which indicated he'd done this before. He handed her a helmet that I am pleased to say she put on, but that did not lessen the alarm I felt when she wrapped her arms around him instead of herself and they went flying out of the lot.
I quickly followed them. I could not let her out of my sight, not knowing the potential danger she had just placed herself into. The fact of what Jacob Black was was bad enough, but now he harmed her very life even more by subjecting her to that old bike that probably should not have been on the road in the first place.
The first stop was Bella's house, which brought even more painful memories of how I used to watch her sleep. I had even oiled her window to keep it from squealing when I went in. Oh, this hurt. Why was I subjecting myself to this torture? I deserved it, I knew. I had left her, I deserved every second of seeing her happy without me. From my pocket I removed the bottle cap I had saved from our first lunch. I never let that cap out of my sight but now it brought pain and in a fit of pique I drew my arm back, ready to throw it.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't destroy a memory of her so easily. The cap back in my pocket I focused on them, for they were back on the porch, talking about something. Bella was smiling and laughing about something. I could have listened to the dog's thoughts if I had wanted, but it was just too nice to see her smiling I didn't want to ruin it. If I had anything in my stomach it would have been nice to throw it up, which is what I felt like doing when they kissed. And not some brotherly kiss, but a full on frontal. And her arms were even around his neck.
Oh, yes. I deserved this torture. I forced myself to watch. Without purposely meaning to I allowed his thoughts in and really felt my heart breaking. He was thinking about how great it was that she'd accepted him fully, that she was committed to their relationship and how it was a huge change from the prior months. I didn't quite understand that, but let it slide as they got back on the bike and took off.
I would have followed, but I knew they were going to the reservation and I was not welcome there. I was surprised that Jacob had not realised I was even there. I may not like him or what he is, but I do have an appreciation for his instinct and nose. But then, he had been distracted. Ugh.
Well, I had seen her happiness. That was what I'd had to convince myself of. I had fulfilled my promise and she had moved on. So why was I so unhappy? Not for the first time I wished I could hear her thoughts, see her personal take on all this. It always was frustrating –and still is– that I could not get inside her head.
Unable to help myself, even knowing that Jacob Black would know I'd been there, I crept into her room. Beneath the floorboards was her pictures, dusty now, and the CD with her lullaby. I had made my mind up and followed through. I had left her to have a life, something she would not have had if I stayed. I had only wanted her to be happy, to keep her soul and not waste such a precious thing on me. I couldn't blame Carlisle for damning me, and I couldn't blame myself. At least if she survived the wolf's temper she would have a full life and keep her soul. I would not take that from her. I could not take that from her.
Replacing the items and the floorboards I took another long look around the room I had spent so much time in and felt that dry pricking feeling. Vampires cannot cry, and the feeling is very uncomfortable. But again I figured I deserved this. I deserved every ounce of pain these memories gave me.
Leaving her room I just ran. I went to my meadow, though it was not as beautiful as I remembered it. Nothing could be, not since the last time I had really been happy there, the day I'd spent with Bella there. At the time I had not realised how happy I was, but now I did. And I would never have that again.
Until Bella I had never really lived, and now because of Bella I never would again. I was not blaming it on her, but on myself because I did not want her to give up her mortality for me. I was not worth that. Leaving the meadow I wandered. I had no destination in mind.
Which is why when I ended up at the old house it was a surprise. Of course the house was dark, and it even had the feeling of being abandoned. Carlisle and Esme had refused to sell it. Someday we might return to these parts, and it was difficult to find a house so isolated. The windows were dark, the yard overgrown. It was lonely. It looked the way I felt.
As twilight fell I came alert. I had heard something and I wanted to know who dared to intrude on my solitude. A rustle and the least expected person stepped out. He glared at me.
"You are one tough leech to track." Jacob Black said.
"And why are you tracking me?"
"Why were you at the school and Bella's house?" He shot his own questions back. "Why were you in her room?"
"Because I had to see for myself that she was happy. I had to see it so I could just go and never return."
"And have you seen what you wanted?"
"Yes."
"Then go, and don't come back. She doesn't belong to you anymore, Cullen. She will never belong to you again."
I studied him. He was tense, as expected, and anger radiated off him. I couldn't help but listen in on his thoughts. He was thinking of them as kids, playing together. And then First Beach, that day he told her the Quileute legends. And he thought of their first kiss, the day they had a beach picnic.
He was thinking of teaching her to ride her own motorcycle, to my horror, and the day she jumped from the cliff Alice had told me about. He was thinking about how he had been the one there to pull her out, not I. He was right, she wasn't mine anymore. And she never would be mine again. I had promised her, after all.
"Do not worry, Black. I will not come again. I will not bother her or you."
"Then you are leaving?"
"Tonight. Now. I will not return to Forks during her lifetime." I would not return to Forks ever. I could not live in a world where Bella was not, and since she was my world I could not live.
I knew he would follow me until I left town, and possibly a little ways after to be sure, but I was leaving, as promised. I also knew he would not tell her, ever, about this visit. My first order of business was to go home. I had to reassure them that I was alive, that I was okay with Bella's new life.
I had to mislead them, and I had to make sure Alice could not see my plans. I knew I was going to die, but I did not know how or when. I had yet to figure that out. I did not even know where I was going to go to act out this plan for death. And this lack of plans would be my saving grace concerning Alice; if I did not know she would not see it. Not until it was too late, anyway.
Just as I knew, even if Alice had seen my decision to die already, Carlisle would not allow her to follow me. Sure, they would all try to talk me out of it but in the end I knew it would not have any effect.
~O~
"Edward, you just got home! Why are you leaving again so soon?" Esme asked.
"I just have to." I smiled at her.
"Did you get the information you wanted?" Jasper said. Did you think we were lying about Bella?
"Yes, I got what I wanted." I replied. Not really. "And no, I believed you, I just had to see it for myself." And did I ever see it.
"Be safe in Italy." Alice piped up. Her eyes were dark and I knew she and Jasper would be leaving to go out hunting soon. That would be the best time to leave. I couldn't help but glare at her for letting out my destination.
"Italy." Carlisle said, watching me. "Why there?"
"Because." I replied stubbornly. "I want to go there."
"Give Aro, Marcus and Caius my regards."
"Of course."
"And come home."
Well, I couldn't very well promise to come home when I had no plans to ever come home again. Soon enough I would be dead. "Sure." I gave him an easy smile. What do you know, it's easy to promise something when you know you'll be dead and can't fulfil it.
Soon enough we all parted ways and I headed for the airport. I wanted to have this over with as soon as possible and swimming to Europe would take too long for me. So I was flying. I still was not sure of what I was going to do once I got there, but somehow I wold figure out a way to cease existing.
~O~
"I desire to understand why you wish this of us." Aro asked me in return to my plea for death. "Tell us, young Edward."
"I cannot live without love, but love is not mine to claim." I hedged. I did not want them to know about Bella.
"You are young. You may yet meet someone." Aro reached out a hand to me. I hesitated but I knew also that they would never carry out my death if I could not properly explain. Since I had never seen Jacob Black as a werewolf I figured letting Aro see the memories of him and Bella together would be safe enough. Jacob's secret would be safe, and Bella would be as well. I let him take my hand.
"I see. So you have found her but she cannot be yours. A mortal, brothers. He loves a mortal."
"Then why not bring her over?" Caius asked.
"I could not sentence her to such a fate." I replied.
"Then forget her. We shall not give you what you want, but join us, Edward." Aro offered.
"I will not. I cannot live in a world where she is not!" I exploded. "She is my life and yet she isn't, and I cannot live with that."
As if I had never made an outburst the three watched me and Aro bade me sit again. "Give us three days. We will have our decision on your request then."
"Thank you."
I left the Volturi. Three days. Three more days of torture before I knew if they were going to kill me or not. And the other offer, to join the ranks? How could I possibly do so? How could I live on knowing Bella could never be mine? No, I would never consider joining the Volturi guard.
That was when I knew that if they did not give me death I would have to force their hand. I would have to do the worst and make them kill me. I would have to expose myself for what I was; I would have to show Volterra that vampires still existed, and then they would have no choice but to kill me.
It was perfect, really. But how to do it? How would I show Volterra what I was? I began to plan; I had three days to think on it, after all. It couldn't be too difficult.