Now it was Tara's turn to freeze. Willow could see the taller woman stiffen, she could feel it in their interlocked fingers. She wanted so much for what Tara said to be true. She wished that she had only suffered this pain for a month. It hadn't lessened. She kept waiting, assuming it would have to eventually, but it never did. She wished she hadn't lost the last three years with her soul-mate, but she knew she had. She realized that she was going to have to relive the last three years, tell it all to Tara. And it frightened her. She was going to have to relive it all. Including her own worst moments. She was going to have to tell Tara about dark Willow. She was going to have to tell Tara how she killed Warren, how she nearly killed all of her friends, how she nearly ended the world. She was going to have to tell Tara about Kennedy. How could Tara ever accept that she had tried to move on?! In Tara's mind, only a month has passed since she died in my arms. She wished so badly that they could go back, to when they were just together, without having to worry about the when, the how, and everything else. When they were just them. Together. Reunited and happy. But she knew that wasn't possible. She knew they were going to have to sit, and she was going to have to explain everything. So she took a deep breath, and began.
"Tara, you died three years ago today." Willow said sadly, reaching up to brush some hair out of Tara's eyes. Tara remained immobile. Willow lead her to the couch, knowing they were in for a long talk, and sat down on the opposite side of the couch.
"Th-three y-years?" Tara barely managed to whisper, starting to regain control after the shock.
"I'm so sorry, Baby. I'm so sorry. I tried to bring you back, I really did! But they wouldn't let me! They wouldn't let me bring you back! I did so many unconscionable things. Please, forgive me, Baby. Please forgive me!" Willow fell forward, burying her face in Tara's lap as the tears began to roll again.
Tara stared straight ahead and stroked Willows hair, whispering, "shhhh everything is going to be ok, its going to be ok" calming Willow although she still wasn't fully recovered from the shock. The words she was whispering were as much for her as they were for the sobbing Willow.
By the time Willow's sobs eased, Tara was over most of the shock. She hadn't fully accepted it yet, but she knew it was true. A closer look at Willow showed her that. Her style was different, her hair, her clothes. The room's style too. And that was only more evidence to the time that had passed. Finally, she had to accept that Willow was sobbing into her lap, begging for her forgiveness for she had no idea what. What could Willow have done that was so unforgivable? She hated to cause Willow more pain, but she had to ask, had to know. She had to know if this was still her love.
"Baby, what could you have done that is so unforgivable?" she finally said aloud. Willow lifted her head to look Tara in the eyes. She couldn't hide anymore.
"Terrible things. When you – when you died, I lost it. I gave in to the dark magicks. I became a monster. I killed Warren for killing you. Flayed him alive. And then I went after Jonathan and Andrew, but he gang was protecting them, so I started attacking them too. I nearly killed Dawn, and Giles and all of them. I nearly ended the world. Xander talked me down in the nick of time. And the magic, it's a part of me now. I get so scared every time I use it. That I'm going to lose it again. That I'm going to lose me."
Willow tried to register Tara's response on her face, but it was blank. She stared ahead, trying to process what Willow had told her. But she couldn't make herself believe that Willow, her sweet, loving, adorable Willow, could kill someone. She had been doing so well, fighting her way back from her addiction. She was doing so well. How could she have done something like what she said? But at the same time, Tara remembered when Willow was at her worst. When she had made Tara forget. The car crash with Dawn. All the reasons she had left her. But she was doing better. She had been back to the Willow that Tara loved. So how could she have done what she was saying she did?
"Tara, are you ok?" Willow was worried at the complete lack of response. She hadn't even gotten to the hardest part to tell her yet. She had a girlfriend. What would Tara think of her when she said that she had moved on, or tried to anyways? How could she ever accept that? She put her hand on Tara's knee, trying to sooth her with touch, but she could sense that Tara was far to lost in her mind to register anything. She was about to continue anyways, when she heard the door open behind her, and turned to see Kennedy in the doorway.