Chapter 3
Diagonal Alley
Naruto and Kakashi flew over London—just like Peter Pan and Wendy did. Except that they had a broom stick.
It was almost dawn because Kakashi fetched Naruto late. But it was a good thing since they were going to get to Diagonal Alley early.
"Hey, what's Diagonal Alley?" Naruto asked.
"It's where people buy stuff." Kakashi answered.
"Well I never heard of it before."
"It's because I haven't even told you anything about it yet."
"If its where people buy stuff, then that's where I'm going to get my school supplies, right?"
"Duh."
"But I don't have money…"
"D' ya think your parents left you with nothing?"
"Well if their house was destroyed by that dark, evil dude…then—"
"Why the hell would they keep their money in their house if there's a bank?"
"Wizards have banks? A-and my parents died and left me with money?"
"Yeah, wizards have banks."
"So…I'm rich?!"
"No, not really."
"Well if I don't have much money then how will I study in Hogwarts?"
"That's simple! You'll just have to clean up the whole school!"
"But—"
"It's not really that bad, you know. So here's what we're going to do today. We'll go shopping for all the stuff ya need and then I'll send you to Hogwarts. The plane leaves by seven in the evening."
"I'm riding an airplane?!"
"Yeah…whatever. Let's go to The Gooey Cauldron first. It's a famous place"
Then Kakashi landed his broomstick by some small, old dirty store. For a famous place, it looked quite shabby. And full of roaches. Hey, what the heck.
When the two of them entered, everyone in the pub seemed to know who Kakashi was.
"The usual, Kakashi?" the bar tender asked.
"Nah, I can't." Kakashi answered. "I have some important business to do here." Then he pointed at Naruto.
The bar tender looked at Naruto and gasped, "Good lord! Is it—it can't be!"
The Gooey Cauldron suddenly went still as they stared at Uzumaki Naruto.
"Uzumaki Naruto! What an honor." One man said. He hurried towards Naruto's side and seized his hands, tears in his eyes.
"Welcome back, Mr. Naruto. Welcome back!"
Then more people went to him and shook his hands. A pale, young man who had his long white hair tied up in a pony tail approached him. He was wearing eye glasses.
"T-h-h-h-arrry F-F-f-f-of-fer." The guy stammered.
"huh? Are you talking to me?" Naruto asked.
"Yes! You are T-h-h-h-ary F-f-f-f-of-fer, aren't Y-y-y-you?
"No, I'm not Tharry Foffer."
"Oh, I thought Y-y-you were my childh-h-h-hood friend."
"I'm Harry Potter."
"S-s-s-s-sorry. I usually jumbf-f-fle my words. And I st-t-t-ummer a lot-t-t-t."
"I'm Harry Potter but you can call me Naruto." He said again.
"I'm K-k-k-abb-uto. K-kabuto. I'll be T-t-teaching you D-d-defence Against T-t-t-he dark Arts in Hog-hor-warts"
Their short talk ended when Kakashi said, "Okay, enough of this greeting thing. We should be going now." Then he took Naruto's arm and dragged him out of the crowd. "I'm sorry but we're in a hurry now."
Then they went away. Not once in Uzumaki Naruto's life had he felt important. When Kakashi and him were far from Kabuto, Naruto asked, "Does he always talk like that?"
"He used to be normal…not until he went into the Dark Forest. Some say he was attacked by vampire and zombie ninjas."
Naruto didn't ask anything more as he watched Kakashi stare at the brick wall.
"So…what are we gonna do now?" Naruto asked when Kakashi kept on staring at the wall.
"There's supposed to be some kind of password." Kakashi replied. Then he kicked the wall—but it didn't budge. "Damn it," he muttered. "I forgot the password."
"Try open sesame." Naruto suggested.
So Kakashi faced the wall and shouted, "OPEN SESAME!"
Nothing happened.
"Aren't you supposed to hit the wall…or press some bricks?" Naruto asked.
"Hit the wall? That's a great idea!" so Kakashi punched the wall…and nothing happened.
"Aren't you a ninja wizard?"
"Yes, I am a ninja wizard."
"Then what are you waiting for? Do some magic already!"
So Kakashi took out his wand and waved it at the wall. "Bibidi Bobidi make this fucking wall a door…Bibidi bobidi boo!" But his magic was no use. "That's it, I give up!" Kakashi said. "Let's just climb the wall."
Since they were both ninjas, they just climbed the wall and jumped.
Tadaa! Diagonal Alley!
"I feel so stupid right now. Why didn't we think of climbing the wall first?" Naruto said.
"Shhh! I'm about to say my line!"
"Alright."
"Welcome, Naruto—to Diagonal Alley!
Naruto just stared at him.
"You're supposed to say 'ahhhh' and gape at the magical place."
"Ahhhhh!!" then Naruto gaped at the magical place.
The sun shone brightly on a stack of cauldrons outside on the nearest shops.
"We're going to get your money first." Kakashi said.
They passed more shops and then finally went into some old building called, Grinninggrots.
There were a pair of silver doors that faced them and it had words engraved upon them that said something about stealing and dying.
Then two goblins showed by the door. Kakashi said,
"We're here to take some money from Mr. Uzumaki Naruto's life savings."
"Do you have the key to his vault, sir?"
"Yeah," then Kakashi took out a key chain from his pocket which had 40 plus keys. "I think it's one of these keys." He said as he gave it to the goblin.
They climbed a cart which led them to Naruto's vault. It took them, like, FOREVER, to try almost all the keys that were on Kakashi's key chain. Until finally, the door opened and the goblin led them inside—Naruto gasped at what he saw. There were heaps of gold coins piled up in a corner and silver coins everywhere!
"Is it all MINE?" Naruto asked.
"uhm…yeah." Kakashi said. But you don't really own everything." Then he took one gold coin and silver bronze coins from the treasure and handed it to Naruto. "This is your share." Then he pointed at the heaps of gold, silver, and bronze coins in the vault. "And the rest are payments for your parent's taxes and your tuition fee in Hogwarts." Then he took out a really huge purse and filled it with gold coins and said, "These are for your school supplies and my payment for escorting you safely until you get to Hogwarts."
"Taxes? Payments? And I only get eight coins out of that pile of coins?!"
"Yeah."
"I won't let that happen! It's my fortune! Give me my lawyer!"
"In your dreams. Didn't I tell you awhile ago that you're going to clean up the school?"
"But—"
"Nyahhh, Shut up! Your parents didn't pay taxes when they were still alive. We even covered their funeral fees and more and more and more fees and bills and more!"
So anyway, after fighting over money, they went to Hogwart's vault. It was empty—or at least Naruto thought it was. Then at the middle, there was a small pouch. Kakashi took it.
"What's in there?"
"I can't tell you that. It's top secret." Then he said no more until they left the bank.
"Okay," he said. We're going to buy you your uniform." Then they went towards Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occations
"Hey Naruto," Kakashi said, "I have to go somewhere. Can you buy your own uniform?" then he gave Naruto five gold coins.
Naruto didn't want to be left alone in a place where he knew nothing about but he entered the shop anyway.
"Hogwarts?" the shop keeper asked.
Naruto nodded and the shop keeper led him to the back of the shop where the fitting room was.
Someone started measuring Naruto then suddenly, the boy beside him who was also fitting his Hogwarts uniform said, "Hello, Hogwarts too?"
"Are you blind? Don't you see my uniform? It says Hogwarts, idiot."
"Idiot, you say?! Well…well…you're an idiot too!"
"Hmph!"
"I bet idiots like you don't have broom sticks." The kid said.
Naruto laughed and said, "Why the hell would I want a broom stick?"
"Why the hell?! It's the best thing a wizard could ask for! Don't tell me you don't play Quiddich?"
"What's Quiddich? Is it another stupid game where you clean up your room with a broom stick? How lame!"
Then all of a sudden, in between their cat fight, Kakashi appeared by the window's shop.
"Hey, look at that man!" the kid said.
"Oh, him? He's Kakashi."
"I've heard of him…he's the one who buys 500ml of hair gel everyday, right?"
"Yeah, I think he does. How do you think he manages to keep up that hair do? He must use a lot of hair gel...or hair wax, for that matter."
"But why are you with him? Where are your parents?"
"Oh, them? They're dead."
"Oh, sorry. What's your name, by the way?"
But before Naruto could answer him, the person who was measuring uniforms said, "Okay, it's done. You can go to the counter now." She told Naruto.
So Naruto went away and paid his uniform. He approached Kakashi who was by the shop's window and said,
"Hey Mr. Ninja-wizard, what's quiddich?"
"WHAT?! You never heard anything about quiddich?"
"Well no. The idiot I met inside said that it was played with broom sticks. So what is quiddich?"
"It's a wizard sport, Naruto. It's like soccer but you ride broom sticks. You'll know more about it when you get to Hogwarts."
Then the two of them started roaming around the place and bought more stuff for Naruto.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you something." Kakashi said.
"What?"
"You're supposed to have an animal with you. Either an owl, a rat, or a toad."
"Are we going to get an owl? I want a white one—and I'll name it Hedwig!"
"No, we're not going to buy an owl. Since you know how to summon a toad, get used to it. You'll be summoning it in Hogwarts. Owls are just too expensive—and if you summon a toad, it's free."
Then they went to Olivander's Wand Shop where Naruto was going to get his very first wand.
"STOP!" the shop keeper said right after they entered the door. Then he sang, "in the name of loooove!"
Naruto sweat dropped. Did that guy just sing a high tune?
"Hey Kakashi! I saw your video in youtube! Nice video, by the way." Then he sang, "I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, what you think about thaaat!"
There was no mistake here. That Olivander shop keeper was gay.
"Uh, okay…" Naruto said, "I'm just here to get my wand Mr. Olivander-weirdo, sir."
"Alright!" he said as he tap danced across his shop to Naruto. "I know who you are!"
"Yeah, yeah. Everybody knows that. Just give me my wand—"
"You DO not understand the art of the wand!" he wailed. "You should sing for the wand, the passion of the wand! You should worship THE wand."
"Uh yeah…worship wand thingy…can we get over this, Mr. weirdo? I have to accomplish really important stuff right now."
"You will know the right wand for you. The wand chooses its owner…its master."
"How will it choose its master?"
"Simple, it just flies into you hands."
"Really? Well what are we waiting for? Let's do this!"
"Alright," he said, "But you should first recite the oath of the wand."
"What oath of the wand?"
"Repeat after me,"
"Ok."
"I," he said, "state your name, will take my wand from Olivander's Wand Shop and promise to take care of it."
"I," Naruto said, "Uzumaki Naruto, will take my wand from Olivander's Wand Shop and take care of it."
"Worship, and sing for it." He said
"Worship…and sing for it?" Naruto said
"You don't sound so sure. Say it again!" he said
"You don't sound so sure. Say it again!" Naruto said
"Stop repeating after me for a minute, Harry Potter and tell me that you shall worship and sing for your wand."
"Stop repeating after me for a minute, Harry Potter and tell me that you shall worship and sing for your wand."
"I said, stop it!"
"I said, stop it, you bloody gay wad!"
"Aha! That's not what I said. You didn't repeat after me!"
"Aha! That's not what I said. You didn't repeat after me! But you're still a bloody gay wad!"
"Dammmmnnnn you!!!" Olivander shouted. He was so angry that he pulled out a long powerful wand from his robe. "You will pay, you unworthy costumer! Never, never, never call me a bloody gay wad!"
"Dammmmnnnn you!" Naruto imitated. Then he pulled out some dirty laundry from his robe, pretending that it was his wand. "You will pay, you unworthy costumer! Never, never call me a bloody gay wad!"
Olivander waved his powerful wand and Naruto waved his dirty laundry too.
"Feel the menacing power of my wand!" Olivander screamed as purple smoke puffed out at the end of his wand.
"Feel the menacing power of dirty laundry!" Naruto screamed as green smoke and foul odor puffed out from the dirty piece of sock—or was that Kisame's underwear?
"Kame Hame Waaaave!!!" Olivander yelled as the purple smoke turned into some kind of energy ball made out of plasmic material.
"Rasengaaaaaan!" Naruto shouted as the green smoke and foul odor from the dirty laundry also turned into some kind of energy ball made out of plasmic material.
"Chidoriii!" Kakashi butted in.
"Hey, you're not even included in this fight!" Olivander said.
But when Olivander said that, he got distracted and the menacing power of Naruto's dirty laundry hit him in the nose.
"Aghhhh!!! The burning sensation! It BURNSSSSS!" he shouted. Then he exploded into rose petals and burned, and drowned, and was strangled by no one, and was eaten, and was drowned again, and choked, and fell down from the stairs which was weird since there wasn't a staircase at all, and all the wand shelves fell down, and he died.
Then Olivander's pink wand which puffs out purple smoke suddenly flew and landed on Naruto's hands.
"Congratulations, Naruto!" Kakashi said. "The pink wand chose you as its master!"
"B-but why?!"
"Because you defeated its master—Olivander. Poor guy, he died too soon. He never really liked dirty laundry anway."
"Oh…"
Then after murdering Olivander and leaving his shop into ruins, they went out.
"Okay, we'll leave for the air port now." Kakashi said as he mounted his broom.
So Naruto rode the broom and they went to the air port…
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