I was really hoping that the conversation in biology would lead to us completely leaving behind any awkwardness. I mean, after realizing that such emotional topics, for both of us, were obviously touchy to talk about and we both got offended, wouldn't we learn to just stay away from those subjects? That way we could just go back to being kind-of friends.

But then Edward began acting very odd around me for the next few days. I couldn't understand why, though. Nothing had changed, right? Other than the fact that we might have actually taken a step forward in understanding each other's boundaries. But that didn't call for a complete change in behavior, did it?

He was still friendly and everything. But whenever he looked like he was enjoying himself in the slightest, he would literally shake it off. A shudder would pass down his spine and he would shake his head like he thought that enjoying himself had been a crazy idea in the first place. But it shouldn't have surprised me. He seemed to think he didn't deserve anything all that nice. Such as a loving adoptive family. It was like he thought that he didn't deserve to have fun. Just like he didn't think that he deserved the good fortune that came with being part of the Cullen family.

He'd gotten so much into the habit of making sure that he was miserable that I rarely saw him smile at all after a while. It was slowing making me less hopeful for my personal improvement. If I couldn't help him realize that he was worthy of happiness and a family and good fortune and all the stuff that he had, what were the chances that he could help me figure out the Jacob puzzle that was scattered all over my head? Things were working out just the way that my sick luck usually worked. Right when I was starting to get back on my feet, my support was dwindling. The one thing making me sane wasn't acting sane himself.

Was it so wrong to think of Edward as a crutch? Did my ever so slight attachment bug him that much? Was that why he was acting so miserable? Because for once someone was being real with him? Well forgive me for being so invisible to everyone else but him. Besides, if he wanted space, I would give it to him. All he had to do was ask. One would think, that with the best GPA of all the seniors, despite his detentions and sometimes short attention span, he would be smart enough to figure that a request was the best way to get something.

Or was his silence due to my lack of interest? After all, I didn't desire him the way all other students with two x chromosomes apparently did. I mean, he had asked about my ability to move on. Whether or not I would start dating again. Now he knew that I wasn't looking for romance. Being quite the charmer, that must have disappointed him at least a little. Maybe he was suffering from a slight wound in his ego. He'd get over it. Unless his ego was too big. But a big head didn't fit with the rest of Edward's character. It didn't make sense.

I had been talking more with Alice than I had with Edward for a while after that. She had no problem letting a smile spread across her face, no matter how many clouds were in the sky and no matter what insane amount of rain was coming from them. And more often than not, she let a giggle out that always lifted my spirits. Though she did look like she regretted it after she laughed. But that was probably because Edward was throwing her glances across the lunch table. It was like clearing the air had made him angry with me, which made absolutely no sense considering he was the one who cleared it.

Finally, after about a week, it had gotten rather annoying. I began not talking to Edward at all unless it was required for labs. Even then, it was strictly lab related. If he hated talking to me so much, I wasn't going to make him. If I was such a big stick up his ass, I wouldn't try to jab further unless something was pushing me. Like lab work.

The next Monday I arrived in biology before Edward did. For once. He had a way of being faster than everyone at everything. He was also quieter than everyone else. I didn't notice that he had arrived or that he had even taken his seat until he began to speak.

"Do you have some sort aversion to me or something?" he accused, throwing an angry glance towards me.

"Me?!" I exclaimed. Wasn't he the one who seemed to hate the idea of speaking to me? And he thought that it was my fault?

"Yes. You. You never talk to me anymore. I thought the air was clear between us. You had said that I hadn't offended you," he reminded me, a slightly offended look reaching the deep green of his eyes.

"Well, why do you seem so intent on being depressed whenever we do talk? What aversion to happiness do you have? I don't even remember the last time I saw you smile," I threw at him. "I thought you just hated talking to me for some reason. I was trying to be cooperative."

"Why would I hate talking to you? I apologized to you for offending you so that you wouldn't hate me remember? And about the whole happiness thing, you have your lightning theory, right? Well maybe I have my own theory for why I shouldn't be happy," he attempted to reason. It still didn't make sense, though. Why would someone try to convince themselves into a life of unhappiness?

"My lightning theory is for love. I don't need that kind of love to be happy. Why would you tell yourself reasons not to be happy? Generally people try to look on the bright side," I argued.

Edward seemed to think about that for a moment. It pleased me to see that he didn't seem to have thought through his plan that well. If that was the case, I still had the opportunity to change his mind, and save himself from what he was about to cause.

"It's complicated. I'm missing something, and it doesn't seem right to be happy without it," he explained.

I thought about all that he had said that he went through. Something came across my mind. After all, I felt that I couldn't be happy without Jacob. The only people that Edward had really lost were his parents, and it made sense.

"Look Edward, do you really think your parents would want you to depress yourself over them?"

"I don't know. Maybe. That's not what this is about anyway," he clarified. So I was wrong.

"Then what - "

"I told you. It's complicated."

"And what do our conversations have to do with it? Why do you seem so eager to depress yourself when you're around me? Let me guess. That's complicated, too," I predicted, still believing that there should be no connection between the two.

"Am I really that transparent?" he asked sarcastically, the crooked smile that I had started to miss slowly spreading across his face again. Without even thinking about it, I smiled back.

"You're off schedule again. It's your observant day. It's Monday," I noted, laughing a little.

"And you do realize that that schedule had been made up on the spot? I'm sarcastic everyday. I just know when to stop and be serious."

"Yeah, I kinda figured. It was a fun little joke for a while, though," I commented, snickering. He laughed along with me and we both left the room at the end of the period with smiles on our faces.

It wasn't until I got home that I put together a frightening possibility.

Edward had mentioned my lightning theory. What if his theory was about love, too? He had said that he was missing something. Love counted as something, didn't it. People strive to find it, kill for it, and are often lost without it. Edward had clearly deprived himself of it. Wouldn't that cause someone to be unhappy?

But how would a love theory make him so unhappy? He had plenty of girls to try it on. Plenty of willing girls. He technically hadn't failed yet. Unless...

Unless his theory was about someone in particular, not just love in general. Someone who he knew he would never have a chance with. But Edward had made it very clear that it would be no problem for him to get a chance with any of the other girls at school. Except for one. The only one I'm sure who had been willing to flat out tell someone like Edward Cullen that they weren't interested.

Me.

Wow. This was complicated.

Though it was irrational, I could understand why Edward would try not to be happy around me. I mean, realizing that you're happy with someone who doesn't share the same feelings, someone who's happy with them, but in a different way, it can be kind of painful. I could see why Edward would try to discourage himself. He might have done it to try to give himself a reason to not feel that way. Train himself not to see me in that way. How much depression would automatically set on just in realizing he loved someone who would never love him back? I knew firsthand what that felt like. I loved Jacob, but I'd been spending the past month debating whether or not he had ever loved me.

Oh Jake. Just another complication.

Why me, though? What did Edward see behind the broken heart? If Jacob, someone not exactly popular, hadn't seen enough in me to live for, what could Edward, with girls-a-plenty to chose from, see in me? I wasn't really good at anything, I wasn't pretty, I didn't provide him anything but small-talk and harsh judgment of his ungrateful attitude, what was there left for him to look for?

It hurt me to hurt Edward. Despite his odd was of looking at things, he was my friend. It felt bad to know that I was the cause of Edward's pain. In only there was something I could do about it.

If only he didn't think that I was the only one who was real with him. I was sure the only reason that he felt this way was because of how I acted toward him. He had complained about how googly-eyed girls made his good fortune not worth it. What if there was someone else who seemed down to earth? At least enough that Edward would believe that they were saying things that they truly felt, instead of just saying those things to impress him.

I had a great idea all of a sudden.

I had recently began hanging out with a girl in my trig class, Jessica Stanley. We weren't that close. She had a habit of gossiping. A lot. The gossip wasn't the problem, though I didn't approve of it. It was just that she gossiped so much that I could rarely get a word in. At least she was happier than a depressed Edward. It didn't depress me as much to hang around her, though I still sat with Alice more.

Jessica was completely wrapped up in Edward. She was also taking theatre classes outside of school. I knew that it would be a cruel trick to pull on Edward, but if Jessica could act like she didn't dream about Edward every night, maybe Edward would give her a chance. Then she can slowly shift back into the "massively in love" state. Maybe Edward would think at that point that she desperately needed him. Enough that he stays with her (because he's too generous and kind to just break someone's heart) long enough for him to see something in her that would make him completely forget about me.

It was worth a try.