I was glad that things could be somewhat normal between Bella and I again. At least for her. It would always be slightly painful on my end. But at least this way, if I did love her, now I could admire her more closely. Her silence had pained me more than anything ever had before. For once I had felt this fear crawl up my back that at first I couldn't explain. Later I found the answer.
Rejection.
My heart beat irregularly every time I saw her. Everything that she had said about Jacob made sense now. Everything mattered twice as much when she was around. And when she wasn't, everything felt empty.
I could only taste food when she sat across the table from me. I felt completely lifeless unless I was holding a conversation with her. I could only focus when we were together, which probably explained why I was only passing biology for the time being.
For the next week, I was able to be a lot happier around her. Something about her carefree spirit made it seem like she thought that my problem wasn't one that she could fix, like she thought the only thing she could do for me was try to cheer me up.
All of this depressed me more. Not the fact that she was attempting to make me happier, but the realization of my feelings. If I felt for her the way that she felt for Jacob, and if what I felt was love, then she truly did love Jacob, and she really had redeemed her one love. And if it wasn't love, then why did this hurt so much, and how much would I hurt for the person that I would actually end up with? Plus, if what I was feeling wasn't love, then Bella wasn't really in love with Jacob, and with her lightning theory, she was cheating herself out of complete happiness. It was a double-edged sword that I wished I could break in half, But then again, even if I could, the new edges would be rougher and more painful. Fate definitely hated both of us.
"I've been thinking," Bella began one day at lunch when Alice had left the conversation to talk to Jasper, "about your theory."
"I never told you my theory," I reminded her suspiciously. My mind raced through a million thoughts at once, trying to remember anything that I could have said that would have clued her in. I thought long and hard, and only came up with a couple of things that would have given her clues. Regardless, the possibility of her figuring out my one weakness was still pretty uncomfortable to me.
"I know, but you said that it was about happiness," she told me. "I still don't know what your theory is, but I think I have a solution."
I studied her face for a good long while. She wasn't a very good liar. Her expression was hopeful: hoping that I wouldn't detect the false note in her voice. She did know my theory, or at least, she felt that she knew what my problem was. She knew that I loved her (there was no point in denying it if it was that obvious to her), and she was trying to distract me. Or leading me to believe that she didn't know. I did appreciate the gesture, though.
"I'm open to any suggestions," I lied. Only I could actually pull off my fib. The only suggestion that I was really open to was the one that would be most obvious to her. The one that she would never agree to. I was sorry out of luck.
"Not all people just look at you as some future super-model. Not everyone wants to be around you for the perks," she explained. As if I didn't know that. Bella was a perfect example. Forget example. Bella was just simply perfect. "There are more down to earth people than you would think, and it wouldn't hurt for you to give them a chance. Maybe then you'll realize that your situation isn't as much of a burden as you think. You might be able to enjoy life a little more if you learn to trust people," she suggested.
Her eyes were pleading. She didn't want to hurt me. This was her way of letting me down easy.
What could I do? I couldn't make her be with me. Even if I had the power, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it. I couldn't make her do anything against her will even if I wanted to. I would never be able to live with myself if I knew that Bella was unhappy just because I had been a selfish idiot. And I would do anything for her. Even if she wanted me to leave the country. I would join the military or something and get based overseas if she wanted me gone.
But as much as she didn't want to be with me, I didn't believe that she wanted me to leave.
So what were my options? The "Who Wants to Date Edward Cullen" show? As much as she tried to be subtle about it, Bella's suggestion did imply girls in "trusting people." The problem was that I wasn't interested in anyone else. It wouldn't be fair to lead an innocent girl on, either. If I had to trust people, I had to be trustworthy. And lying would not exactly help me fit into that category.
All I had to do was look into Bella's eyes one more time to know that I would do it. For Bella I would get some random girl's hopes up. Just to show Bella that for her I would do anything. There had to be something that I could do to spark her interest in me. And even if I wasn't doing it to in hopes of capturing Bella, she had me so wrapped around her fingers. I was what you would call "whipped." Even with no ties or persuasion, I would do this heartless act to show that I only had a heart for Bella.
I couldn't help but scold myself. Last month I was completely fed up with girls trying to catch my attention, and now I was doing everything I could do to fight for hers. What kind of hypocrite was I turning into?
"I'll try," I managed to spit out I remembered that Bella was still waiting for a response. A huge smile spread across her small face, and in that moment I knew that no matter what I would end up doing, who I would end up hurting (other than Bella), everything would be worth it just because Bella was happy. She deserved that much, at least.
All too soon, both lunch and biology were over, ending my daily hour and a half that actually had meaning. I sulked to my sixth period history class. I slumped into my seat and tapped my pencil impatiently waiting for the bell to ring so that maybe I could catch a last glimpse of the girl who my thoughts revolved around constantly.
As usual, my concentration was flawed. All of my thoughts wandered to Bella. The nickname was fitting. Bella meant beautiful in Italian and countless other world languages. Within fifteen minutes of departing with Bella, the ultimate rejection finally began to set in. Bella was a beauty that would never be mine. My had began trembling at the small realization that felt like the end of the world to me. With a Bella-like clumsiness, my pencil fell out of my shaking hand.
"Here," came a familiar voice. The tone, however, did not fit the voice.
I looked up to find Jessica Stanley, a girl who sat next to me, holding out my pencil. Jessica wasn't typically a generous person, which was why her sympathetic tone confused me.
"Thanks," I replied glumly. How many times would I have to turn her down? Jessica had tried repeatedly to win me over, but she had never tried acting cute and sincere to do it. I was hoping that a new personality was her last resort, and after this attempt, she might finally give up and leave a suffering guy to wallow in peace.
"Are you okay?" she wondered, seeming, for once, genuinely concerned. "You've been acting out of character for a while."
"And how do you know what's characteristic for me?" I snapped. I wouldn't be surprised, with how obsessed Jessica seemed to be with me, if she actually did know a lot. I didn't know which irritated me more, her constant "I want Edward Cullen" mindset or her obsessive study of me. I realized that it was a great comparison as to what I was doing with Bella, but at least I wasn't that annoying about it.
"You never know the answers when Mr. Molina calls on you. You never used to be wrong," she noted. And she was right. School came naturally easy to me, which was why I could skip class so much and still ace every assignment and test.
So maybe Bella wasn't the only observant one. But Jessica still had nothing over her.
"I've just been having some problems, that's all. Not much can be done about it," I stated. And nothing could be done about it. At least, there wasn't anything that Jessica could do.
"Maybe I can help," Jessica offered, anyway.
"Why would you want to?" I asked, surprised. Jessica wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box, or the nicest kid on the playground. She wasn't the first person that anyone really came to for emotional support or consolation.
"Look, I may be a motormouth, but I'm not completely self-absorbed," she announced. I felt back when I saw the tint of offense in her eyes.
She returned to her work and the class continued in an awkward silence.
It took me a while to remember that while Bella and I weren't exactly talking, Jessica had been hanging out with Bella here and there. Maybe Bella had that kind of affect on people, making them realize how much their way of thinking was wrong. There was a possibility that, due to Bella's influence, Jessica might truly be concerned. I should have realized that, with everything else that Bella had been right about to that point, that she was right this time, too. While Bella was still one of a kind, there probably were still some people with similar thoughts in their heads.
Plus, with Jessica being around Bella now and again, and Jessica being quite the chatterer, Bella would definitely hear about it if I was nice to her.
The bell rang. I snapped out of my frozen state and jumbled my things together. When all of my things were gathered, I ran out the door to catch up to Jessica.
"Hey, Jessica," I began when I reached her. "I know it's a girl's-choice dance, but do you want to go to the Spring Dance with me. You asked if I could help and it might get my mind off of my...problem."