AN: I know, I know, I know. It's been a while. And I'm sorry for that. I'm not going to sit here and make excuses because, well, excuses are lame and it still doesn't change the fact that I haven't updated in a while.
On the bright side, a lot of that time was used writing this. And it's a longer chapter than usual...
So here you go. Enjoy
I don't own Bella, Edward, blah blah blah, I like reviews, blah, blah, blah.
This is wrong, this is wrong, this shouldn't be happening, I thought, over and over. But that wasn't what I was feeling. In fact, after a certain point, my feelings made it impossible to even think. Whether it was about why I should continue kissing Edward in a way that made my head spin, or about why this was going against everything that I believed in.
A part of me wanted to slap Edward in the face for making this kind of move when he new that I clearly wanted nothing to do with any more romantic relationships. For making me miss being this close to someone in this kind of way. For making me regret ever thinking badly of him earlier, for making me ever think that I couldn't trust him.
Another part of me, and I didn't know whether it was more dominant or not, wanted to stay with him like this for hours, possibly days. I had known how Edward had felt for me for a while, but nothing felt better than actually feeling his affection. After what seemed like a life time of wondering if Jacob's love was actually there, feeling wanted by Edward sent a sense of comfort through my veins, pulsing heavily against my skin as I deepened every kiss willingly.
I became oblivious to everyone and everything around me as our tongues danced in synchronization. The only thing that was clear in my mind was the desire for more. I wanted every inch between Edward and myself to disappear, to be pressed against his muscular chest, to be wrapped in his unbreakable hold. As I felt Edward's arm slide down and wrap around my waist, I braided my fingers into his hair, willing his face to stay glued to mine.
One foggy realization did occur to me though, as I let Edward pass through every wall that I had built since Jacob had died. Edward's touch was somewhat cold. Back in Phoenix, despite the heat, Jacob's natural warmth was always soothing and welcoming. And now, here in one of the coldest towns I had ever set foot in, Edward's natural chill had more than the same effect. Instead of just sending a sense of calmness through me, Edward almost had a healing touch. It was as if his hands were natural ice packs and he was slowly healing a new burn.
And later, when I had thought about it, I realized that that was exactly what it was. Jacob had burned me, and left Edward to clean up his mess.
Only when the bell rang and I realized that I needed to be in Gym class did I come back to reality. The hallways were completely empty, but I was sure that quite a few people had gotten a glimpse of what had just happened between Edward and I. I was so glad that the weekend was approaching. I could only imagine what the reactions I was going to get out of my Gym class, let alone what would happen if I had to face all of my classes the next day.
"I don't think we have to worry about Jessica," Edward noted. "I've heard she doesn't exactly like being cheated on. And no doubt the news will get to her by the end of the day."
If Edward hadn't said that, I probably never would have remembered why we started kissing in the first place. But the reminder sent a chill down my spine.
"Oh my god! Jessica!" I exclaimed, panicking. I began running towards the student parking lot. I didn't hear the footsteps behind me, but I knew that Edward wasn't far behind me. I also figured that he could easily catch up with me, but was choosing to hold back and let me stay ahead, giving me any space that I might need.
When I reached my truck, I quickly fumbled with my keys to unlock the shotgun door, throwing my stuff in the passenger seat. I slammed the door shut and ran to the driver's side. That door was easier to unlock considering I already had the proper key wedged between my fingers. I flung the door open and was about to climb in when I felt Edward's gentle hand on my arm.
"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked, more concern spread on his face than I think I had ever seen.
"Jessica. I'm...sort of...her friend. If news gets back to her by the end of the day she'll track me down. You're right. She doesn't like being cheated on. And since you were the one who asked her out, she'll assume that all of this was my fault and she'll come after me first. If I leave now, I have the weekend to plan some miraculous escape plan," I began explaining, huffing and puffing in my panic.
Edward pulled me into a soft, calming embrace that slowed my hyperventilated breathing. He stroked my back soothingly until he knew that I was solemn. Then he held me at an arms length and stared with his breath-taking green eyes into my sure-to-be-boring brown ones.
"You don't need to worry about anything. I'll take care of it. Just don't answer the phone if she tries to call you. When she calls me I'll tell her everything," Edward swore. I couldn't doubt his honesty with truthfulness blazing in his eyes with every word. "I'll tell her the truth. That I never really liked her to begin with. I'll tell her that I only went out with her to make you happy - "
"You what?!" I had to interject.
Edward rolled his eyes at me as if it should have been completely obvious.
"I don't think you'll realize exactly how far I'll go to make your world keep spinning," he began, edging into a more relaxed position beside me, leaning against my truck. "When you said that I needed to trust people more, I tried, just to show you that I could. I was willing to get some random girl's heart broken just to show you that I was capable of relationships. Fat lot of good it did me considering you could tell the whole time that I didn't trust Jessica one ounce," he further detailed, adding a little chuckle at the end.
I laughed along with him for a moment, before letting out a mournful sigh.
"What's wrong?" Edward wondered.
"I miss being that close to someone. Being able to feel the next motion in each other before executing it. Knowing exactly what the other person wants without having to say anything at all. Feeling wanted, appreciated...loved in a way that no one else could love," I explained.
"If you miss it so much, why do you sit there intentionally trying to stay away from it?" he inquired. I have to admit, it did take me a while to figure out why that half of me that didn't like what had just happened between Edward and I even existed.
"Because for all I know this is only physical," I hypothesized. "It's not that I exactly want to fall in love with anyone else, it's just that I miss the feeling of being loved. The closeness that comes with it. The feeling that there's nothing between you and someone else. For all I know, Mike Newton from my Spanish class could make out with me and I might like it. I don't know. Nor do I particularly want to explore that possibility."
"But that's what you have me for, right?" Edward joked. I knew he was kidding. But I wasn't.
"Yeah. That's what I have you for," I replied, no hint of humor in my voice. "I know it's not what you want, but could we try something like this just for now. No expectations. No ties. Just this," I requested, intertwining my fingers with his to make my point. I saw the disappointment on his face. He had already said that he would do anything for me, but this might have been asking a bit too much of him. "I'm not saying it'll stay like this forever, but I'm not making any promises either," I compromised.
"You don't have to ask twice. Whatever makes you happy, I'll do it," he agreed.
"Don't just do it for me, though. If you don't want it to be like this, you can just say no," I clarified.
"Hey, if it means possibly finding a way to get you to change your mind, giving me the chance of some sort of future with you, I couldn't think of a better way to spend my time," he declared.
I smiled slightly and Edward leaned in to kiss me softly. This time there was no shock, no surprise, no stunned stiffness. Just me, succumbing to the sweetness that washed over me as Edward's lips brushed mine. I immediately responded, slightly gliding my tongue along his lower lip until we were just about where we had been before the bell had rung earlier. The only thing that was different was that I was pressed between Edward and my truck, which just made me feel even closer to Edward than when it had been just him holding us together.
Edward pulled away slowly, and stopped me when I tried to follow him.
"If we want to get you out of here before Jessica kills you, we need to do it soon. You could follow me to my house if you want," he offered.
I gladly accepted, knowing I had nothing better to do for the rest of the day, and hopped into my truck, following Edward's Volvo out of the parking lot.
The entire drive to Edward's house I was trying to comprehend everything. Less than an hour ago I had been yelling at Edward about how untrustworthy he had become. Now I was driving to his house, wanting nothing more at the current moment that to have his lips on mine again, his touch slowly healing me until I didn't want to leave. It didn't make any sense to me how my mind could possibly change that fast. It was like pure seduction was enough to make me forget everything I had told myself. Everything I believed in.
Or thought I believed in.
I didn't have much time to ponder on that, for we were pulling into a long driveway, which led to a beautiful, timeless white house surrounded by trees and a lawn large enough to be a meadow. Edward wasn't kidding when he said that his family had a lot of money. That point was made as we pulled around to the garage, which was big enough to be another house. I had learned that Dr. Cullen drove a Mercedes, but that spot in the garage was vacant, since he was currently at the hospital, but the garage also housed a red M3 convertible and - to my sheer astonishment - an Aston Martin Vanquish.
Edward pulled into one of the empty spaces. I parked beside him, hoping that I would have left by the time whoever generally parked there came home. If anything long-term was going to happen between Edward and myself, I didn't want to start on the wrong foot with the rest of the family. I didn't know if a parking spot was a big deal to a Cullen, but I must have felt the need to worry because my heart was racing.
It might have been worry, but it might have also been the young man that was coming to open my door as I killed the engine.
Edward took my hand after helping me down from my truck, leading me back to the front of the house. He opened the door and gestured for me to enter first. I stepped through the doorway and suddenly stopped, needing the moment to absorb the beauty of the inside.
"Is there a problem?" Edward asked from behind me.
"Edward, your house is beautiful," I complimented as I admired the openness. There were windows everything and more space than anyone could ever imagine. A gymnast could probably do a full floor routine without worrying about breaking anything. And that was in the entryway alone.
I finally stepped forward and Edward came in close in tow, closing the door behind him.
"I'm glad you like it," he replied softly.
He placed his hands on either side of my waist and gently spun me around to face him. Before I knew it he moved us so he was in front me, pressing me against the door. He smiled his dazzling smile before kissing me long and hard. I could feel the smile in his lips as they crushed mine. His parted my mouth with his and a shiver ran down my spine. When he finally released me from the entrancement that he had led me into, I was gasping for air.
Edward held my face in his hands touching his forehead to mine.
"I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel the same way that I do. I love you more than even I can comprehend. No matter what we end up doing, whatever you end up deciding, never forget that," he whispered in an desirable, undeniable way.
"You don't have to remind me," I told him, tilting my head to kiss him again. And again. And again.
My heart was breaking from Edward's love as our bodies reacted to the ecstasy rushing through us. I knew he wanted me for a certain reason, but why did I want him? Whatever the reason was, I found myself underneath him on the comfy sofa in his living room, not wanting this magical sensation to stop. Nothing had felt better than lying in Edward's arms knowing that he wasn't going anywhere, that his love was ready for me if I ever chose to accept it.
Edward's hands moved from my back to the front of my shirt, tugging at it hesitantly. I knew why he was pausing. He didn't want this for the same reasons that I did. Despite the conflict of motivation, I lifted my shirt over my head. Edward only waited a split second before returning his lips to mine, tracing the frame of my body with gentle care. His kisses began trailing down my neck to my now-bare collar bone before returning back to my face.
We were so far from reality that we almost didn't hear Alice come in. Almost. Edward immediately jumped off of me and grabbed my shirt off of the floor, handing it to me. I pulled it on, blushing at the exposure.
"Good afternoon, Alice," Edward casually greeted her.
"It won't be for you pretty soon. Emmett and Rose were going to go to a movie after school. You've made them late by making them drop Jasper and I off," she explained. Right on cue, Jasper walked in.
"I just got off the phone with Carlisle. He's on his way home, so Bella should probably get out of his parking spot soon," he informed us.
"Yeah, um, I'll walk her out to her car," Edward concluded, standing up. He reached out his hand for mine and I took it. He led me back to the garage. "Do you think you could get back to your house from here?" he asked me.
"Yeah, once I get back to the main road I should be fine," I said.
Edward pulled me to him and kissed me one more time.
"You know I hate you for making me want you so much," he joked.
"Yeah, I know," I replied before hopping into my truck. I couldn't help but notice the pained look in his eyes as he watched me drive away.
But on top of that, I couldn't ignore the searing pain that I felt as I left him.