Chapter 4
Review reply for Roxxana: No shit! We really thought we had it right! :O
Neji was still sitting on the couch and was now looking at Sasuke, not saying anything too. He didn't knew what to say, or yell, or.. whisper. He only wanted to lay in Sasuke's arms, doing nothing.. he wanted to be close to him. But the other side of him told him to hit Sasuke. To scream at him. To kick him out of the door. He was so confused.
Kurenai nodded at Neji as she too walked upstairs. Sasuke walked towards Neji. "...I'm sorry.." He softly said. "You can do whatever you want...hit me if you want it, I deserve it.." He stared at the floor.
Neji looked at him and mentioned Sasuke to sit down beside him. He sighed as he let his breath get out, while he felt the anger rise up.
Sasuke sat down on the couch and stared at Neji uncomfortable.
"...I know you don't believe me..and I guess you never will but I really do still love you Neji.." He said.
Neji looked at him now for some time and then finally smacked Sasuke across the cheek.
"Don't you d-dare to say that to me." Neji snapped, looking angry.
Sasuke was quiet now as he looked away from Neji. He deserved it. He really did. But it still hurt. Mentally. "...I'm sorry.." He whispered. What else could he do but apologise?
Neji looked away, staring at the ground. He didn't knew what to do. He felt relieved that he had slapped Sasuke now, but he felt guilty too.
"...Neji please don't hate me..You can beat the crap out of me if that will stop you from hating me..please..just...hit me, I deserve it." Sasuke said. Maybe that would help. It would be good for Neji..
"...I already hit you." Neji said. "And I'm not going to say sorry."
"You don't have to..I deserve it...just don't hate me..that's all I'm asking now.." Sasuke said and bit his lip. This wasn't going anywhere.
"...Where did you want to talk about?" Neji asked.
"..I wanted to apologise...for being stupid that I let you go..but I don't think it matters anymore...you already despise me." Sasuke answered.
"...Why do you bother trying?" Neji asked, looking at Sasuke. "You already have someone else now.. you didn't want me anymore back then, why do you care all of sudden?"
"..I didn't stop caring..I always cared...I know I broke up with you and it was stupid...I needed control...I don't like not being in control..and you were in control a lot, not just in the sex..but I was wrong..I was stupid..I miss it. I miss you." Sasuke said and looked back at Neji.
"..But you have Haku now." Neji softly said, staring at the floor again.
"..I know...But I want you too..I don't know what to do.." Sasuke said and then sighed. "..Maybe I should just go.."
"..Perhaps.." Neji softly said.
"..If you want me to go and never see me again just say it Neji.." Sasuke said and looked away. It really was over with Neji...he was sure it was.
"...I do want to see you again.." Neji muttered.
"..You shouldn't want that." Sasuke said and stood up. He knew Neji would never be happy with him. He knew Neji could never trust him again..ever..
"..I know." Neji said, frowning. "Where are you going?"
"..Home...We both know you don't want me back..and we both know I can't break up with Haku either.." Sasuke said.
Neji looked at him for some seconds and then he stood, grabbed Sasuke's head and kissed him full on the lips.
Sasuke was startled for some seconds before he grabbed Neji's waist and kissed back. God he had missed this...the taste..the touch...He had missed Neji so much.
Neji slammed his arms around Sasuke's neck as he kissed Sasuke roughly, full of need. He was so confused. He wanted Sasuke back so badly. He closed his eyes.
Sasuke put his arms around Neji's waist and pulled him closer and closer as he kissed back. He needed Neji...he was sure he needed Neji..and yet Haku was always in his mind too..always. Even now. Who did he have to choose?
Neji never wanted this to stop. He finally kissed Sasuke again. After half a year.. finally..
Sasuke let his hands intertwine with Neji's hair. God he missed this so much. He missed it all so much. He needed Neji around. He didn't ever wanna be apart from Neji. But he could not help feel guilty for Haku..and if he kissed Haku he felt guilty for Neji..it was too hard.
Neji broke the kiss now and looked at Sasuke, a bit surprised of his own action. He smiled at Sasuke, but it wasn't a happy smile. It was a sad smile. He knew this would, probably, be their last kiss.
Sasuke looked back and then suddenly hugged Neji. "...I love you.." He said. He couldn't take this. A little more and he would just run away. Run away from both of them. They drove him crazy. In a good and bad way. It was too much.
Neji hugged back tightly.
"I love you too." he whispered.
"...I wish I could have you both.." Sasuke softly said as he held onto Neji for dear life. He never wanted to let go again.
"...Isn't that possible?" Neji softly asked. He didn't wanted to share Sasuke.. but if he had to choose between sharing him or not having him... he wanted to share.
"..It's not fair to do that Neji..you'll both feel bad.." Sasuke said sadly.
"..I'll even feel worse if you choose.." Neji softly said. "..You won't be happy..."
Why did he care about Sasuke's happiness all of sudden? He had to think of himself first, after what Sasuke had done to him.
"...No you won't Neji..It's not whether or not I'm happy..I want the both of you happy." Sasuke softly said as he felt a tear run down his face. This was far too hard.
"...If you want both of us to be happy then you have to take us both..." Neji softly said.
"..That won't make you happy Neji, don't you see that? I won't make you happy.." Sasuke said as he grabbed Neji's cheeks and looked at him desperate. What should he do?
"...If you choose for Haku you'll make me unhappy and if you choose for me, Haku will be unhappy.." Neji said, looking back. "...I won't push you into this because I'm not very fond of the idea either.."
"...What will people say.." Sasuke said as he stroke Neji's hair behind his ear. He couldn't help it. He couldn't help loving two boys...but it was so selfish to have them both.
"...I don't know..." Neji softly said. "..I really don't know.."
"...Are you sure you want something like that..? Maybe you and Haku should get to know each other.." Sasuke said and looked at the floor.
Neji nodded.
"..I guess." He softly said.
"I am so sorry Neji.." Sasuke said and stroke Neji's cheek. If only Neji was happy..
Neji looked back and then hugged Sasuke again.
"...Why are you hugging me?" Sasuke asked as he hugged back firmly. He didn't want Neji to leave. He wanted Neji to stay near him.
"..Because I don't want you to leave.." Neji whispered, laying his head into Sasuke's neck.
"...Hmm..I love you...I really do.." Sasuke whispered back and kissed Neji's neck before hugging him firmly again. He wanted to stay with Neji forever now...but it was still hard..he wondered wether it would work...sharing..
"..I love you too.. I still do.." Neji softly said, stroking over Sasuke's back.
"...I really never stopped Neji..I really didn't...I was stupid and an idiot and you should really just hit me and hate me." Sasuke started ranting after that. He just had no idea why Neji would ever forgive him...why Neji would even want to share him after he broke up with Neji so brutally..
"...I already hit you.." Neji muttered. He wasn't going to tell Sasuke about what kind of awful time he had in America. It would only hurt Sasuke.
"..Well you had every right to do it...I just don't get why you still want me..like this." Sasuke softly said as he stroke through Neji's hair now.
"...It's just because I still love you." Neji said. "I'm still mad at you."
"..I know...I know..I'm so sorry..you should hate me." Sasuke said once again. Both Neji and Haku should hate him for this. For agreeing to it...for wanting both..for not being able to choose. For hurting them.
Neji was silent now. He should hate Sasuke indeed.
"I'm sorry Neji...I'm so sorry..I know it won't make you less angry..I know that...but I really am so sorry.." Sasuke said and grabbed Neji even tighter, burying his face in Neji's neck.
"...It felt like I was in America for years.." Neji softly said.
"..You were away really long...too long..Was it fun?" Sasuke carefully asked, not sure whether Neji would even wanna talk to him normally.
"..Not really." Neji said. "Well the modeling was fun."
"Oh..What wasn't fun then..?" Sasuke asked and then carefully sat down on the couch. He didn't know whether or not Neji would want to sit with him.
But Neji did sit down.
"Well, the rest." Neji said, shrugging.
"..Why?" Sasuke asked and then carefully pulled Neji closer. He hoped it would be OK.
"I just thought of you a lot." Neji muttered.
Sasuke tried to hide a small smile. He knew he shouldn't, really. But the fact that Neji had thought of him a lot, just like he had done about Neji, made him feel a little better. It made him feel bad too though...he had screwed up something that should have been great for Neji..and 'that' was the worst. "..I'm sorry.." Sasuke softly said.
Neji didn't react to this and was silent. He didn't know what to say anymore.
"...Do you want me to leave?" Sasuke suddenly asked and looked at Neji guilty. Neji probably needed some time.
Neji looked at him and then looked down, nodding. He really needed to think now if he really wanted to be with Sasuke. Sasuke had ruined so much for him.
"...OK..Well...call me once you made up your mind.." Sasuke said and bit his lip. Maybe things wouldn't ever be OK...maybe this was the last time he would see Neji after all.."..I love you.." Sasuke said and then quickly left, not wanting to wait.
Neji watched him go and then looked at some random place. Did Sasuke really still love him? Did he still love Sasuke..? Of course he did, but did he still 'wanted' to love Sasuke..?
"Jesus Sasuke, stop it!" Haku yelled between his laughter. Sasuke was sitting on top of him, and was tickling him to death.
"Never!" Sasuke yelled as he kept tickling Haku like there was no tomorrow. It was something he did a lot since Haku reacted so adorable to it. Today was already three days since the last time Sasuke had talked to Neji and he had endulged himself into Haku all over again to escape his thoughts. It worked. Really well. Sasuke smirked. "You look like such an idiot." He laughed.
Haku kept giggling and laughing, trying to push Sasuke off him, but failed miserably.
"S-Sasuke I can't breath!" Haku yelled.
Sasuke kept tickling Haku and kept laughing. Haku was such an utter idiot. He would stop in after a while more of this. "Oh you love this." Sasuke laughed. At that moment the doorbell rang and Sasuke slowly started to stop tickling before stopping all together. He was still laughing at Haku.
"You're so mean." Haku said, pouting. He pushed Sasuke away now, giggling again.
Sasuke laughed a little longer. "I know. But you just look so adorable." Sasuke said with a high pitched voice, mocking Haku. He now stood up and walked to the door with a smirk. It faded though once he opened the door and came eye in eye with Neji. "...Hey." Sasuke said surprised. He hadn't expected Neji to be there.
"..Hey.." Neji softly said. "..Can I talk to you?"
"Uhm well, yeah. But Haku's here." Sasuke said and looked to the floor. He then quickly pulled Neji in and closed the door, afraid Neji might leave immediately.
Neji frowned, looking at the door, and then to Sasuke again.
"Was someone coming or something?" He asked. Why did Sasuke pull him inside all of sudden.
"He can come in." Haku said from the living room.
"Thanks Haku. And no..I just don't want you to leave again." Sasuke said and looked at Neji.
The look in Neji's eyes softened. He pulled of his coat now.
Sasuke smiled briefly and waited. "..Do you want something to drink?" Sasuke asked, once Neji was done and they were walking into the living room.
"Gladly." Neji said, while he gave Haku a slight nod. Haku returned the gesture.
"Water?" Sasuke asked, remembering Neji always wanting water wherever he was. He was already walking to the kitchen.
Neji nodded.
"Gladly." He said while he sat down. This was strange.. sitting next to Sasuke's new boyfriend.
After a while Sasuke came back with a tray with three glasses. One milk, one juice, one water. What the three of them wanted. He put the tray down on the tea table and then looked at the couch. Should he sit in between them?
Haku looked at him, wondering if Sasuke would sit beside on of them, or between them. He saw Neji biting his lip and looked at him concerned. He must have a hard time..
Eventually Sasuke pulled a chair closer and sat down on it. Sitting between both of them was too hard and he couldn't choose. He stared at the floor. "So..what did you wanted to talk about?" He asked Neji.
"...I'm not sure if I can tell you now.." Neji muttered, not looking at Sasuke.
"...You can tell him you love him Neji." Haku said, looking at Neji.
"Shut up, you don't know anything about it." Neji snapped at Haku, glaring at him. When he saw Haku's hurt expression he looked away in shame. "....I'm sorry.."
"..If you want we could go to my room...for a while.." Sasuke said. He was sure this would never work. They were uncomfortable...angry at each other..all of them...and whatever he did, he would always have to choose..It wouldn't work. Both of them nodded and stood, both being silent.
Sasuke stood up too and led the way to his room. He really didn't know what to do. What Neji would say..what he should say...Maybe it really was better if he just ran.
The two boys followed Sasuke, and once they arrived there, Haku sat down on the bed and Neji onto a chair. They didn't looked at each other, but they did look at Sasuke.
Sasuke shut the door and then quickly looked at the floor. This was intoxicating. Was he supposed to do the word? And what was he supposed to say to them? "..So.." Sasuke softly said, not really knowing what else to say.
"...We have to find a way to do this nicely.." Haku softly said. Neji looked at him a bit irritated. Wow that guy got brains. What a smart comment.
"..I know..I just don't know how..." Sasuke softly said as he kept staring at the floor. He didn't move. He just kept standing there, not wanting to meet either boys gaze. He could feel them staring at him.
"..You want both of us right?" Neji softly asked.
"...I love you both." Sasuke gave as an answer. What would Neji say now?
"..I know.." Neji softly said. "..And you can't choose either hm.."
Haku silently looked at the both of them.
"..No..." Sasuke answered. He let his eyes trail the floor. Maybe that would make him less nervous. Less uncomfortable. Maybe that would make him feel like he was still a good guy even after all this. But of course, even Sasuke knew that was too much to ask from a single carpet. Or anything or anyone for that matter..
"If you're going to be all nervous around us then it's not going to work Sasuke." Neji snapped all of sudden. "Be a man and look at us."
Haku looked at Neji surprised but he agreed with him. Sasuke should be glad that 'they' were even offering him to have them both.
Sasuke bit his lip before he faced both of them. He didn't say a word, he just stared at them and waited. He shouldn't be the one having a hard time. But he was. And it made him hate himself even more. But that didn't make him question Neji's slightly harsh, words. He would look at them if that was what they wanted. He would do anything for the two boys.
"Sasuke what do 'you' want?" Neji snapped. You could see that he was becoming angry.
"..It's not very clear indeed." Haku said. He felt a bit angry too, but wasn't showing it.
"Look...I don't know what I want OK. It's not like I can say that I want both of you this easily..it's not right." Sasuke snapped back. He wasn't angry at his two loves though. It was just his defense meganism.
"You said something else a few days ago." Neji and Haku said at exactly the same time and then looked at each other surprised. OK.. that was just weird.
"I never said I wanted both of you...I do..But...I can't do that OK." Sasuke snapped, not even noticing Neji and Haku's combined comment.
"You said you loved both of us." Haku reminded Sasuke.
"Yes, that's exactly the same." Neji said.
"Are you even listening? I'm telling you that I 'do' want you both but I can't do that. To you two!" Sasuke suddenly yelled. It was all getting to his head.
The two of them looked at Sasuke with a frown.
"Then what else can you do, breaking up with me or staying with me?" Haku asked, a bit sarcastic. "If you choose one of those things, one of us will feel terrible."
"I know OK. But it's not fair to the two of you.." Sasuke said. He was getting so confused of this. Losing his ability to see right from wrong. He needed both of them so badly. And they were making him think 'not' taking them both was wrong.
"...It's your choice Sasuke." Neji said, looking away now. Haku was staring at the floor.
Sasuke bit his lip and felt tears dwell behind his eyes.
"..Why are you doing this..?" He asked. It was like both Haku and Neji were not with him anymore. They were against him. And he knew he was wrong and now he was double wrong. Haku and Neji wanted him to take them both, but he knew no one else would accept it. It wasn't right.
"And now you're blaming us?" Neji said, surprised.
"I'm not blaming you! I am blaming myself! I'm trying to do what's right here! I knew I should've just left!" Sasuke yelled angry and walked out of the door. This was too much. Neji and Haku really wanted to try, but Sasuke..he just couldn't do it. He wasn't like that.
"Don't you dare to walk away now!" Neji snapped. "Are you that weak that you're walking away from your problems?!"
"...Calm down Neji." Haku softly said. He was seeing right through Neji.
"Yes I am this weak OK! Is that what you wanna hear!? I am weak! I CAN'T hurt you! Neither of you! And having both of you won't make you not get hurt!" Sasuke yelled and let his tears run down his face. He had turned around and was standing in the doorway now.
"You can't hurt us?!" Neji yelled, more angry then ever. "You fucking let me cry for half a year! You hurt me more then enough and if you're going to choose for Haku, or break contact with the both of us, I'll be hurt even more!"
Sasuke stormed towards Neji, looking like he was gonna beat the crap out of him. Instead he pulled Neji close and hugged him. "..I'm sorry OK. But it's not right to have both..right?" Sasuke said as he held Neji close.
"No it isn't." Neji snapped. "But it's more right then to break a heart."
"..I'm sorry I broke it once Neji..but I don't know what else to do then apologise and comfort you and tell you I love you.." Sasuke said, calming down. A little.
"..You should keep on telling him that." Haku softly said, looking at the both of them.
"..I know. I should tell both of you that..all the time.." Sasuke said. He wished he could just grab Haku too, but Neji probably wouldn't be too happy with that.
Haku nodded while he stood, and walked towards Neji and Sasuke.
"..You can." Neji softly said.
"..Do you really want this?" Sasuke asked as he softly grabbed Haku's hand. If they really wanted this, really wanted to try...then he would try too.
"I do." Haku said, nodding.
"..Neji?" Sasuke asked, since Neji wasn't answering. Had he changed his mind?
"...Yeah.. I do.." Neji softly said.
"You sure..?" Sasuke asked. Neji sounded so unsure.
"...It's the best solution right..." Neji muttered.
"Only if you want to." Sasuke answered and stroke through Neji's hair as he kept holding onto Haku's hand.
"..Yeah I want to.." Neji said, smiling slightly at Sasuke.
Sasuke smiled back and stroke Neji's cheeks. "..I really wanna try." Sasuke said.
"...Then do.." Neji softly said.
"..I will..." Sasuke said softly and then gave Neji a soft kiss, hoping Haku would not mind too much.
Neji looked at Haku now, who smiled slightly at him. Neji showed Haku a soft smile too.
Sasuke looked at both of them and then let himself drop onto his bed, face first. If anything, he just wanted to sleep right now. He knew he couldn't though. But one minute of peace and quiet wouldn't hurt.
Neji and Haku looked at each other and nodded. They walked over to Sasuke and laid down next to him. Neji at his left, and Haku at his right. They both put an arm around Sasuke. Neji placed a small kiss on Sasuke's cheek, and Haku followed Neji's lead, doing the same.
Sasuke smiled.
"Thank you.." He said and returned both boys the favor. He then turned himself around on his back, pulling both boys near. God he loved this..he really did love this.
Both boys laid against Sasuke, comfortable. Haku looked at Neji over Sasuke's chest and smiled at him. It was a sad, but happy smile. And Neji returned it, using the same kind of smile. Then he closed his eyes with a soft sigh.
Sasuke closed his right after. He could just fall asleep like this. The two boys he loved were right beside him, holding him...loving him. What else could he possibly wish for right now?