Chapter Six

She had just gotten home from the airport. Although it had been wonderful to see Caitlyn and to spend Christmas with her, Marissa was glad to be home and hoped that, someday soon, there would be someone there to share it with her. It had been a couple of weeks since they had last seen each other, and she found herself literally aching to be near him. Walking into her apartment, she smiled at the sight of her luggage, just another reminder of the man she missed, and, without a second's thought, she pulled her phone out of her purse as she made her way back to her bedroom, suitcase rolling along behind her. It was 11:30 on New Years Eve, and she knew Theresa was dragging him to a party, so, even though she'd only be able to hear his voice for a few seconds, she decided to call and leave a voice message anyway.

Lifting the phone to her ear at the same exact moment she put her bag on her bed, she set herself to the task of unpacking. Unfortunately, because she had been at her sister's apartment, the laundry was clean, so she couldn't just dump it all in the hamper. Forgetting about the clothes though and losing herself in Ryan, Marissa waited for the voicemail to pick up. Standing there in her bedroom beside the bed they had shared, albeit platonically, the last night he had spent with her, she realized just how much she needed to see him. She needed to see him smile at her, his eyes lighting up and glowing with warmth at something cute or humorous that she said. She needed to hear his laugh as he teased and taunted her about her lack of cooking skills, her habit of putting her foot in her mouth, or her utter lack of sports knowledge. She needed to feel his arms wrap around her as he held her to him in a close, protective embrace, hugging her to show just how much he cared. But most of all, she just needed to feel connected with him, like together they were two separate pieces that fit together to make a whole.

"Hey you," a voice suddenly filled the other line of the phone, shocking Marissa so much she ran into the footboard of her bed, stubbing her toe.

"OH! Cotton headed niggy muggins," she screamed, holding her foot and hopping around the room with her phone clutched between her neck and ear. "That hurt like a son of a bitch! Don't do that to me!"

"Do what," Ryan asked, biting back a laugh. "All I did was answer my phone. And do I want to know what the hell you just said, Cotton…..?"

"Cotton headed niggy muggins, it's from movie Elf, and you're not supposed to startle me! You're supposed to be at a New Years party with your wife. I didn't expect you to pick up."

"Well if you don't want to talk to me," he playfully teased her, "I can just hang up."

"Don't you dare put that phone down," she ordered playfully. "Now, because we'll actually be able to talk….I mean, we will won't we? You're not like hiding in the corner of some party about to be caught covertly talking on the phone are you?"

"I'm at home, alone. We can talk for as long as you want."

"Okay, good. Anyway, like I was saying," Marissa continued, picking up her suitcase and relocating it to the floor. She could unpack anytime, but she and Ryan rarely had an opportunity to talk late at night without running the risk of getting interrupted by either her work schedule or his wife. "Because we'll actually be able to talk for a while, I'm going to change my clothes, get comfortable, and lay in bed while we catch up. While I change, tell me just how exactly you got out of that party your wife was so adamant you attend with her."

"I just wasn't feeling well…."

"What do you mean you weren't feeling well," Marissa asked anxiously, the worry in her voice clear and distinct. "What's wrong, and, if you're sick, why the hell isn't Theresa there taking care of you?!"

"Marissa, calm down, it was just a headache." Despite his insistence that he was fine, it was gratifying to hear how concerned she was for him. It made him realize, once again, just how much she cared about him. "And Theresa didn't stay, because I told her not to. All she would have done was annoy me, and we would have ended up in a fight which would just make my headache worse. Besides," he pointed out, "this worked out better anyway. She's off having a good time and getting soused, and I'm here, in the comfort of my own house, talking to you. Sounds like a pretty damn good New Years Eve to me." Changing the subject, he asked, "how was your flight?"

"Uneventful. Because of your help in packing my suitcase, I was dressed properly, so I'm sure that will make you feel better." Marissa couldn't help but laugh along with him before continuing to talk. "I actually slept most of the way home. Caity and I were out late last night, so I needed to catch up on my rest."

"Did you guys do anything fun?"

"She actually took me to this party," Marissa replied nonchalantly, finally dressed in her pajamas, a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt of Ryan's he had left there, and in bed. "It was weird though, fun but weird, because, there I was, 27, soon to be 28, and hanging out with a bunch of college students. I didn't even graduate from high school."

"You have your GED though," Ryan pointed out. "Did you ever think about going to college?"

"Not really. I had bills to pay, a little sister to support, and, by the time our lives were stable enough to start saving some money, Caitlyn was starting college. Besides, it was just something I never really wanted to do. I wouldn't even know where to start figuring out what I'd major in."

"Now that I can understand," Ryan sympathized with her. "I went to college because….that's what you did after high school. Plus, Theresa and her mother expected me to. My advisor practically had to pick my major for me."

"Why couldn't you pick your own?"

"Are you kidding me, that would have been too much pressure. I mean, think about it," Ryan told her. "If you don't pick something you like, something you're good at, you're going to be miserable the rest of your life."

This was not the conversation Marissa had wanted or had in mind when Ryan picked up the phone, surprising her. New Years Eve was already a depressing enough holiday, and there was something about his words, something she could not quite place, that made her feel uncomfortable and on edge. Wanting to smile and have fun, she changed the subject.

"This is crazy," she pointed out, the forced enthusiasm in her voice undetected by Ryan. "We're supposed to be looking towards the future tonight and not reflecting back over the past. I know," she breathlessly exclaimed, sitting up in bed like an excited little girl, "let's work on our resolutions together. I'll help you come up with one, and you can help me."

"That's an easy one," Ryan picked on her. "You need to resolve to learn how to cook. I expect to have my friend around for a while, thank you very much, and it is not good for any person to eat as much take out and junk food that you do."

"If I try to figure out this whole cooking thing, I'll end up burning down my apartment building. Caity and I, while I was there visiting her for Christmas, tried to make cookies, and not a single one came out not burned to a crisp. We still can't figure out what we did wrong."

"Fine, we'll think of a different resolution for you," Ryan agreed with her, her cooking story eliciting the response out of him she had hoped for, "but that doesn't mean you get out of this. I'll just start giving you lessons when I'm up there staying with you."

Smiling, she responded, "that could be fun, especially if I get to pick what we make."

"Yeah, not going to happen."

"Boo, you're no fun. That should be your New Years resolution," she playfully suggested. "You should try to stop raining on my parade and work on loosening up a little bit. Do you ever just do something because you want to without considering the consequences?"

"No, that would be irresponsible," he answered, "and the last time I was irresponsible, I ended up married, because Theresa said she was pregnant."

"Maybe that should be your resolution," Marissa recommended, "to promise yourself that you'll find out, once and for all, if Theresa was ever really pregnant. Maybe then, she added silently to herself, you'll finally make a decision about your marriage and end it.

"That's an option, but we still don't have anything for you yet. Let's see here, what should Marissa do or change in the New Year?"

She knew he was avoiding the issue, pushing it aside, and merely placating her by saying that he would consider her suggestion, but she would take what she could get. If she pushed him too hard, he would just shut down and, this way, she at least had him thinking about the issue that should have been addressed years ago. Sometimes it seemed as if he was afraid to learn the truth, that, once he found out that his suspicions about his wife were correct, his whole life would become a lie, and that was something she knew Ryan would not be able to handle. Inwardly sighing, she let the conversation turn back to her.

"Actually, I think I already know what my resolution will be. I've had this dream now for myself since I was a little girl, but I've always given the excuse that it wasn't the right time and arguing that waiting one more year to go after what I want would make more sense, but I'm sick of waiting. Life's too short to waste. So, right here and now, while I talk to you, I'm going to promise myself that I've going to go after my castle in the sky even if I fail, because I'd rather fail attempting something than be too afraid to try."

Ryan was taken aback. She could hear the astonishment in his voice. "What dream? You've never told me about a dream before!"

"No, I haven't," Marissa concurred, trying desperately to hold back a yawn but failing miserably, "and I'm not going to tell you what it is. I want it to be a surprise."

"How will I know if you accomplish it then?"

"You're just going to have to trust me. If I don't see the resolution through, then I'll tell you what the dream is, but, hopefully, you'll be able to see it actualized for yourself." When she answered his question, Marissa waited, breath abated, to see how he would respond.

"Well, trusting you has always been something I've found easy to do to, so you have yourself a deal. But, for now, you're going to have to trust me that it's time we hang up. You're obviously exhausted, and you need to go to sleep." When she went to argue, he stopped her by continuing to talk. "I promise to call you tomorrow, and we can talk for as long as you want. I know Theresa. She'll get up late tomorrow because she'll be hung over, and, instead of staying at home with me like she insisted back when she gave me my ultimatum, she'll skip out when I'm not paying attention and hide out at her bakery all day embarrassed about losing control and getting drunk. Plus," he added, "I should be getting an assignment in Seattle soon, so hopefully, we'll be able to spend some time together within the next few weeks."

"You better," Marissa insisted, "you need to test out that new key of yours, make sure that it works properly and doesn't stick in the lock." As her eyes drifted shut, lulled by the gentle, soothing sound of his laughter, she spoke again, her voice softer, huskier with sleep. "Happy New Year, Ryan."

"Happy New Year, Marissa."

With that, she hung up, a delicate smile upon her beautiful face, and fell into a deep, restful, much needed sleep as fantasies of not only a New Years Eve conversation with Ryan filled her unconscious but of a kiss as well.

"You will never guess what happened! I have some great news," Caitlyn squealed excitedly into the Marissa's ear as soon as she picked up the phone.

"Hello to you, too, Caity." Sighing, Marissa sat up in and bed and swung her legs around to stand up. Shuffling out of her room and moving towards the kitchen so she could get something to drink, she continued. "I was actually trying to sleep seeing as how its 6:30 on a Saturday morning and I didn't get to bed until 4:00, but, other than that, I'm good. How are you?"

"Ugh, time zones are so annoying. You see, if you would listen to me and move out east so we could be closer, we wouldn't have this problem. Besides," Caitlyn pointed out smugly, "if you really didn't want to be disturbed, you would have turned off your cell."

"Yeah, but what if…." Her voice trailed off, leaving her statement open ended and unfinished. She and Caitlyn did not need to get into yet another disagreement over Ryan, especially when Marissa was going on less than three hours of sleep. "Anyway, what did you want to tell me? I'm up now, so you might as well spill." Settling down into her couch and pulling a blanket off the back of it, she switched on the television, muting it so that it wouldn't disturb their conversation. "Wait," she yelled out before her sister could speak, suddenly energized as well, "don't tell me; let me guess. You got that internship you applied for! Congrats, Caity!"

"What….oh, yeah, that," Caitlyn dismissed, "I found out about that a few days ago…"

Interrupting her, Marissa exploded, irritated with her sister, "thanks for telling me about it! Shows you just where I rank on your priority list!"

"Quit being so dramatic, Marissa. This is about you."

"I don't care about me right now. I want to hear more about your internship." Stopping for a second to take a sip of her orange juice, Marissa pushed on. "Tell me all about it, what you'll be doing, how many hours you'll be working. Are you getting paid? Is there a chance this could develop into a full time job after you graduate?"

"If you don't shut up and let me speak," Caitlyn threatened, "I'm going to hang up this phone and not tell you anything." When Marissa merely remained quiet on the line, Caitlyn continued. "About my internship, I will forward all the information I have to you as soon as I hang up the phone, but that's not why I called. Do you remember Chase from the party we went to your last night here?"

"Caity, you introduced me to about 50 different people that night. You're going to give me a little bit more to go on. I need visuals, something to jog my memory."

"24, tall, muscular, jet black hair, dark eyes, tan complexion, basically the epitome of sex appeal, and the best part is that he is interested in you. I know he's younger," Caitlyn acknowledged, countering Marissa's argument before she could even offer it, "but isn't that the in thing to do now anyway? Plus, he's totally loaded. He comes from this long line of prestigious doctors, and he's a surgical intern who plans on going into plastic surgery. The guy is seriously perfect, and he wants you. Whenever you're in town next, he wants to take you out, and, before then, he asked for your email address and phone number so he can get to know you."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Caitlyn," Marissa began, her tone displaying her displeasure and lack of enthusiasm towards the idea of dating Chase. "Think about it. What would I say on our first, hypothetical date? Hi, I'm Marissa. Wow, you're a doctor! Guess what, I'm a stripper. It's really nice to meet you. When do you want to introduce me to your family? I'm sure I have some stripper friends I could set your brother up with."

"First of all," Caitlyn taunted, "he doesn't have any brothers." Marissa merely rolled her eyes at the response, for her sister was obviously ignoring the point to everything she had said. "Besides, I never said you were going to marry the guy," Caitlyn continued. "All we're talking about here are a few conversations and a casual date. If you get laid, more power to you, because even I know it's been a while."

"I am so not talking to about this. My sex life is none of your business!"

"What sex life? You haven't had sex since high school! Listen, Marissa," Caitlyn attempted to persuade, "there's no reason why you shouldn't start dating, why you currently aren't. You're young, single, hot, available, and I know that you eventually want to settle down someday and have a family. You don't have a kid sister holding you back any longer, so just go for it. Even if you only go out with Chase once, it's a start."

"We live on opposite coasts," Marissa argued. "It would be so unpractical for me to date him."

"It's not a problem for Chase."

"Well, it's a problem for me," Marissa snapped. "Look, thank you for caring, but I'm not interested. Obviously, I wasn't attracted to him in the first place, because I don't even have the slightest recollection of this guy. I don't want to date someone who is younger than me, I would feel uncomfortable seeing someone who comes from such a prestigious family, and, if and when I start dating again, I will find the guy myself."

"Wait a minute." Marissa could hear the change in her sister's tone and knew that their conversation was about to take a turn she had hoped to prevent. With a voice that was accusing, annoyed, and slightly hostile, Caitlyn revealed the real reason behind Marissa's reluctance to date Chase or anyone else for that matter. "I should have known he was the thing holding you back. He always is!"

"This has nothing to do with Ryan, Caitlyn."

"It shouldn't, but it does. Jesus, Marissa," the younger girl screamed, "when are you going to get over this and accept the fact that he's married and obviously in no hurry to leave his wife for you! You cannot sit back and let your life pass you by while he leads you on."

"I love you, Caity, more than I can even express. You're my little sister and my friend, but this is one area of my life where you do not get to tell me what to do or how to feel. If I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it." Upset, Marissa stood up and tossed the blanket that had been wrapped around her body aside. As they continued to fight, she paced around the apartment, up and down the hallway and through the main living area, her long legs carrying her swiftly.

"No," Caitlyn quarreled with her, "no, you do not get to dismiss me like that. We've always listened to each other with an open mind, and I will not let some guy waltz into your life and change that!"

"He's not just some guy! He's my….I uh…."

"He's what, you what," Caitlyn urged her to finish her statements. "Let me guess. He's your friend, your best friend; you like him, perhaps have a little bit of a crush on him."

"I'm not infatuated with Ryan, and he's more than just my best friend!"

'Then what exactly is he? I know you don't see him as the big brother we never had, because the looks the two of you give each other and the embraces you share scream anything but sibling affection. I know he's not gay, so all the hand holding and hugs cannot be dismissed as platonic and innocent. And, if you say you're not obsessed with him and that he's more than just your best friend, then what the hell does that make Ryan to you exactly Marissa?"

Without thinking, Marissa answered the pointed question her sister had asked her, crying out the answer at the top of her lungs, the pain and depth of her feelings evident from the sheer strength of her words. "I love him! I'm in love with Ryan! Are you happy now, Caitlyn? Are you satisfied? Do you feel vindicated that you were right months ago when you told me to be careful with my feelings and I didn't listen to you and fell in love with a married man anyway? Do you suddenly feel the urge to say 'told you so' and rub it in my face that you were right and I was wrong? Well I'm sorry I feel this way, trust me I never set out to fall in love with him, but I can't help how I feel. He's just Ryan….he's my one, you know?"

Marissa had never intended to admit her feelings for Ryan to anyone, let alone her sister who disapproved of their relationship in the first place. She was afraid that once she confessed the depths of her emotions, she would no longer be able to ignore them and function on a platonic level with Ryan any longer and losing him as even a friend was something she could not handle. No matter what, she needed him in her life. She just simply was not ready to confess her love to Ryan yet. With her back to the door of her apartment and distracted by her own feelings and the intensity of her words, she did not see him use his key to enter, hear her admission of love, and quietly leave again. Although he would be back minutes later and would act as if he had just arrived, nothing would ever be the same in their relationship again.

Ryan and Marissa had decided to go out to dinner that night. Her cooking lessons would begin the next day, but, because he would be in town for a week to write a story, she wanted to continue to show him her favorite little stores and restaurants in Seattle. Sitting across from each other at a small, family owned café, their table in front of a large, picture window that gave them a generous view of the water, the small, flashing lights on the various, occasional boat helped draw their attention away from the awkwardness that surrounded them as they remained silent, merely eating their meal and avoiding each others apprehensive, questioning glances. Instead of what should have been an enjoyable evening full of laughter and smiles, neither Ryan nor Marissa were having fun. However, she could tell that he was trying to cheer her up and bring her out of the melancholic state she had been in since her phone conversation with Caitlyn early that morning.

"So, what do you want for dessert," Marissa heard Ryan ask her, his knee nudging hers underneath their table, but she still refused to look up and meet his eyes.

Pushing the uneaten portions of her meal around on her plate in a disinterested manor, she replied, "wow, offering to buy me dessert and not mocking my unhealthy eating habits, what's the special occasional?" Although her words were meant to sound teasing and playful, at least attempting to play her role in the charade of innocence their relationship was, they came out sounding bitter and resentful. It wasn't intentional. She honestly wanted to spend time with Ryan and have fun, but as soon as she had voiced her true feelings for him, suddenly just being his friend wasn't enough, and she was taking her frustration with life out on him. Realizing this, she apologized. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Do you mind if we just get out of here, maybe just settle for some ice cream or cookies back at the apartment?"

"Anything you want," Ryan agreed, shocking her when he reached across the table and took her hand in his, squeezing it slightly. She sat back, her heart beating rapidly and aware of every single movement of his body. As he continued to hold her hand, his thumb gently rubbing soothing circles into her clammy palm, he motioned for their waiter, insinuating that they were ready for their check, paid for their meal, and then stood up out of his seat to help her out of her chair, only letting go of her hand long enough to help her into her coat. Walking out of the restaurant together, his arm slung possessively around her waist, the crisp, refreshing January wind assaulted their faces. The feeling of the cold air stinging her body was numbing and exactly what Marissa needed.

"Can we, maybe, just walk back," she timidly asked Ryan, offering him a small smile, just as he went to hail a cab.

Chuckling at her strange mood, he pulled her even closer into his body, knowing that they would need each others warmth for the trek back to the apartment. "What has gotten into you tonight," he lightheartedly asked, punctuating his rhetorical question with a delicate, whispering of a kiss on her temple. The simple gesture seemed to break through the wall Marissa had built around her heart, and she melted into his body, letting go of her concerns and doubts and simply savored the fact that Ryan was in Seattle with her, that she was carefully curled into his arms, and that they were walking back to what she now considered their home, back to the bed they would sleep in that night and every other night that week, together.

By the time they got back to the apartment twenty minutes later, they were both thoroughly chilled, their faces wind burnt and slightly chapped, and shivering. "Why don't you go in, slip on your robe, and I'll run you a nice, hot bath, complete with a cup of cocoa. We need to get you warmed back up."

"That's not going to help you any," Marissa pointed out, pulling him towards her living room. Letting go of his hand, she moved to her stereo, turning it on, and letting soft strains of music flutter through the air. Pushing the coffee table out of their way, she stood in the middle of the room and motioned for Ryan to join her, holding out her hands for his. "After all, it was my idea to walk home. The least I could do was help to warm you up, too, and, this way, we both benefit."

"Why, Marissa Cooper," Ryan teased her, "are you propositioning me?" He started laughing as she blushed profusely, reaching towards her and pulling her into his arms for a quick, intimate hug. "See, whatever you planned is already working. It's feeling rather balmy in here if you ask me." Releasing her, he slowly let his hands fall to her coat, unbuttoning it for her and slipping it off her shoulders while neither of them said a word; their eyes, instead, spoke for them. Taking off his own coat as well, Ryan tossed them aside to land on the couch before turning back to Marissa. "So, what exactly did you have in mind to help us recover from our walk induced frost bite?"

Timidly, she looked down, slightly nibbling on her bottom lip as she replied. "Would you…dance with me?"

Attempting to keep the mood light but failing miserably, Ryan teased, "if you can put up with the sorry excuse for moving slowly that I call dancing, then I'd love to."

Nodding fervently, Marissa laced her hands around his neck, pulling his body tightly into her own and burying her face in his shoulder, savoring the musky, purely masculine scent of his cologne as it surrounded and pervaded her senses. Sighing out of contentment as she felt his arms wrap around her waist, his hands fell to graze lightly against the open back of her dress, her skin tingling with pure desire wherever his fingers danced across it. Feeling his face nuzzle into her neck, his warm breath on her shoulder, the world disappeared and the only thing that mattered was the way he was holding her body, the way it felt to have his pressed up against hers, the way, in that moment, they were one. The hours would slip by, the music would fade to a complete stop, but Ryan and Marissa would remain in each others arms, eventually going to bed, together, when neither of them could remain awake any longer only to hold each other, once again, as they slept. After all, friends sleep in each others arms…right?