-1"I Don't Care, Just Don't Eat Me"
Warnings: Tonnes of swearing, Shounen-ai.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Itachi has matured a bit in this fic, compared to the last, but there are about 70 swear words in this one. Which is more then last time. But I did get rid of all the blasphemy. I think. But when I say matured, he hasn't really. He's just more… accepting.
By 'popular' demand, the second instalment (its more like a sequel, but I don't like that word much, I don't know why, I'm strange) of 'I don't know' the ItaNaru fic. This has the same pairing, and also some DeiTobi
Kisame, once again, is being the biggest asshole I know. I mean, is it not enough that he has to tease me constantly on missions, but does he have to bring it up at dinner?
Sounds cheesy doesn't it? But this isn't our usual dinner of a mangy bag of chips in some secluded hide out while were running away from some big guy with a gun. Actually, when was the last time that happened? that's just me over-reacting. Anyway, this is the Akatsuki's version a huge family dinner. I look around at all the familiar faces staring at me, give Kisame my best 'Uchiha death glare' and return my attention back to my food. There is no friggen way I'm gunna answer that question. Bloody bastard.
I mean 'so how's your little fox?' what type of question is that anyway? Now everyone's staring at me trying to figure out what the hell that damned shark means. And sure as hell I'm gunna tell them. Three weeks since the kyuubi kid got away from us and Kisame's convinced I let him get away on purpose… well, I did, but its getting annoying hearing Kisame say it all the time. It's not like I'm in love with the brat or anything! Kisame's gotten completely the wrong idea! He isn't 'my little fox'. jeez, he makes me sound like a kinky old man. Once again, I should be focusing on my food. Or else I may look up and look someone in the eye. And that could be fatal for them, since I'm pissed off, they could be sent into mangekyou world. And then they'd be pissed off too. So I come to the conclusion that I must not look anyone in the eye, and I must pay my food the up most attention. Because really it deserves it. Its really nice food, much better then the going mouldy bag of chips I had yesterday. I hated those, I had one and let Kisame eat the rest. I poke at the food and pop a couple of peas in my mouth.
Shit! These peas are stone cold! Oh, that reminds me…
"Kisame?" I say, looking up, I'm still pissed off at him, and I'm not quite sure how stone cold peas reminded me of this, but I'm curious. "What colour does Rudolf's nose go when he has a cold?"
Yeah, I know, I've been wanting to know the answer to that ever since I accidentally said it as a joke. Those jokes that I've been practising! Next time I see him I'll make him laugh with me, not at me! Anyway, Kisame is just staring at me blankly, and I'm really trying to be patient, but he doesn't look like he's about to answer. I'm just about to yell every swearword under the sun and tell him to hurry up or I'll mangekyou his brains out- of course I would do this in a more Itachi like way- when that brat Tobi enters the room looking like he just had very horny sex and then was chased by about a dozen bulls. Seriously, what the fuck happened to him? Of course I want to express my views on this subject, so I raise my eyebrows.
"Itachi Uchiha?" he asked uncertainly, I nod in a very nonchalant way. 'cuz I'm cool, and don't desperately want to know who he's fucking and what the hell he wants me for. "There's a mission for you sir."
Kisame and I go to stand up when the kid adds, "One for you and Zetsu."
As Zetsu gets up I look over at Tobi, Deidara's just come through the door (funny, I hadn't notice the 'artist', I cough slightly, was missing), and he's smirking down at Tobi possessively. I turn away to hide the grin that's taken over my face. Looks like I'm not the only one after a blonde. No! wait! I'm not after a blonde! (that include Naruto!) stupid brain!
I glare at Kisame, he's the one who put these retarded ideas in my head. But again, he doesn't seem fazed as he plays with the handle of his sword. One day I'd like to steal that sword off him and give him a taste of his own unfazed medicine. Its tempting to poke my tongue out, but that would be too childish, even for me.
Still, I think as I glance over at Tobi again, it's strange I'd be given a mission with someone other then Kisame, and even stranger to be given one to do with Zetsu, who's so solitary, like a lone warrior. I wonder what's going on. Tobi, of course, leaves the room, since nobody likes him anyway. Well, Deidara obviously does, but that dick doesn't count. He sits down next to Sasori and is immediately questioned by the other Akatsuki members as to where he was and, most likely, why Tobi looks like he just orgasmed about eight times in the space of a minute. The can be like teenage girls sometimes, then again I desperately want to know if Deidara confesses, so I can't really talk. But anyway, work comes first! I glance at Zetsu, oh fuck, isn't he the one who eats people? I flinch and half-heartedly wave at Kisame before following plant guy out of the room… he better not eat me.
And so now we're jumping from tree to tree on the look out for some pink-haired Konoha bitch who was retarded enough no to realise she has a friggen locator bug stuck to her ear that Orochimaru (that fucking, retarded bastard) accidentally placed on her. Put simply, if we get the bug we can study the technology that Akatsuki traitor is using. If all goes well then we can get the bug and no blood needs to be spilt. Although I get the feeling Zetsu might spill blood just for the hell of it. That, or he'll eat the girl. Seriously, who the fuck eats people??
I shiver involuntarily and stop next to Zetsu, keeping a safe distance of course, I see him around head quarters, but I never knew how much he scared the living shit out of me before I was sent on a mission with the freak. Then again, like every Akatsuki member, I'm sure he has his fan girls. I'm not sure how that happens, they do know we're mass murderers right? Its not like we keep it a secret.
Anyway, there she is, I'd say she's pretty but she not. This would be easier is she was alone, but she's with her team-mates. A greying man… hey look its Sasuke! And…
I raise may eyebrows, if it isn't everybody's favourite little fox-child. I wont deny it, he still intrigues me. Sure, he may hate me, he said so himself, but he also said it was nice to be able to hg someone without them pushing him away. Maybe its stupid, but since then I've wanted to sweep him up and hug him till it hurts. I never got the chance last time because I was so shocked, (I mean, I did kinda kiss him.) I'm NOT in love with him, is swear. It's just kinda sad that he doesn't really know what a real hug feels like. He may hug people, but they never hug him back. I let the smallest of smiles take over my lips before I crush it completely and frown down at the four.
I know for certain that I cant just go down there and ask for the bug politely, for three reasons, maybe four, depending on how retarded this girl really is.
1st reason: Kakashi Hatake. He's a serious Jounin who will cotton on the fact that we want the bug to study the technology and not because we're sadists who collect bugs. And that would mean it would have to be Orochimaru's as he's the only one who's ever had the bollocks to betray us, and so the Akatsuki wants revenge. Well, I definitely want revenge on that cross dressing fish fucker. Anyway, then he wont give up the bug because its more then likely also going to be useful to Konoha, especially after that stunt the idiot just pulled on the village. I'm assuming they're pretty revenge bent too.
2nd reason: Sasuke. The second I set foot down there and Sasuke spots me I can be sure he'll start going off on an emotional spew about how I killed the clan and made him an emo child and although this is very amusing the reason I don't want that to happen is because it leads on to reason number three.
3rd reason: Naruto, if Sasuke goes off on one then Naruto will hate me even more. Which, as my mission is to make him laugh, isn't a good thing.
The 4th reason, which may or may not come into effect, is the pink bitch: Sakura Haruno. Put simply, if she screams, I swear I'll kill her.
Oh, and there is a fifth reason, the Akatsuki NEVER ask for anything politely. that's sort of a last resort… give us a break, we are mass murderers! Once again, I glance at Zetsu hesitantly, well, I would do, if he were still there. I look down at Naruto quickly (so I'm a little protective, sue me!) Zetsu's got him and Naruto's struggling… Fuck! Zetsu! don't eat him!
Okay, now they're all looking at me… did I say that out loud? Oh, well don't they look cocky! I think, jumping down from the tree. Kakashi looks slightly surprised, the Frizzy pink haired girl looks like she will scream (I clench my fists at my side). Sasuke is, of course, glaring at me. (I don't think he knows any other facial expressions). Naruto's smirking, (cocky bastard), and Zetsu's looking at me like I'm the freak of nature. Oh, its tempting to punch him, but still scares the living shit out of me. He lets go of Naruto and Naruto runs over to… me?
What. The. Fuck?
I am tempted to swear my head off and go on a massacre but I just shut up and let him hug me. Keeping more of a mind to his chakra flow this time, in case he tries the same trick twice. My minds screaming that this is my chance, that I should wrap my arms around him, but my arms are dangling limply at my sides and stare at his lush, golden locks.
Bugger, Hey look kids! It's Itachi's alternate personality, the freaking poet! … shit.
I almost growl, but imagine how perverted that would look. Hmmm… don't ask me how that reminded me of this, but what must my dear little brother be thinking right now? I smirk and look up at Sasuke, trying to ignore the way Naruto keeps rubbing his cheek against my chest, which feels great but is rather distracting.
Anyway, I look at Sasuke, I feel like squealing. Not only is Sasuke giving me the most threatening glare I've ever seen (it smashes mine into a million pieces and then runs over it in its Mercedes), but Kakashi looks murderous too, even the frizzy bitch looks annoyed. And while I'm fearing for my life Naruto still has his arms wrapped around my waist, adding fuel to the fire, (and more then likely watching it explode). Bloody Bastard. I glance at Zetsu and… oh crap! I want to cry! Please don't eat me! But wait, he's not looking at me, and now I do wrap my arms around Naruto. He looks up at me innocently but I'm not really paying much attention to him. Now, out of possibly getting kicked out of the Akatsuki and possibly letting Naruto get eaten, which sounds more inviting?
Yes I know I'm a fucking retard, but I actually can not help it. You don't have to rub it in.
Naruto is leaning against me and we are now in a tree, which seems to be our favourite chatting place.
"What are you doing Itachi?" he asks. I look at him.
"I'm saving you, idiot." yeah, smooth Itachi. Wait, why am I trying to be 'smooth' in the first place? Great, now he looks angry!
"I AM a ninja you know! I can save myself!" jeez, why do I even like this kid? No, wait, I don't like this kid. Dammit, he makes me confused! I pin him against the trunk to stop him from jumping back down to his team. Well… doesn't this look suggestive. No… ew, stupid thoughts. Oh wait, shit. What do I do now?
"Wanna hear a joke?"
"Not this again" he rolled his eyes! Bastard! "Just give it up!"
Ouch, that hurt my pride. Maybe I should try the puppy dog eyes. Ah, no, bad reaction, okay. I'll give up… he sighs.
"Fine, go on then." Yay! I promised I would make him laugh, and I will! I got this one of Deidara so its bound to work!
"What do you say the deaf gorilla?" Naruto looks at me for a second, before opening his mouth.
"Anything you want, he's deaf."
… … Tumbleweed … …
Fucking Bastard.
"Fine then, what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"
He stares at me like I'm a retard,
"That's not a joke"
… Oh yeah.
"Okay, what do you say to the woman with two black eyes?"
He smirks… oh, I'm getting somewhere!
"Nothing, you've already told her twice."
… Dammit, that bloody fucking bastard, does he know everything?
"Fine, what's worse then finding a maggot in your apple?"
His face screws up in disgust.
"Finding half a maggot in your apple."
"NO! GETTING SET ON FIRE! HA! I WIN!" I bet I look so smug, but look! He's smiling! Go for it kid, go on! Laugh!
… … … …
YES!!
I win! I win! I am the bloody winner! And he loses! While he laughs! What a way to go down! And talking of going down, how did he find ourselves back on the ground looking around at our angry team mates? Okay, I think its time to stop laughing now. Please, Naruto, really, it wasn't that funny… EEK! No! that tickles! don't you dare tickle me you freaking bastard! Ah! No! for goodness (or badness) sake Itachi! If you laugh now I will personally offer you up as Zetsu's next meal!… wow, who the hell was that? Oh, it was me right? Conscience and all that? I wonder when I got one of those…
"Naruto." oh dear, the ice prince has spoken. My poor Naruto has stopped laughing. Wait… my poor Naruto? What the hell!? "I don't know what you're thinking, but he's a murderer, the bad guy. Get away from him." damn, Sasuke looks angry. I guess I really pissed him off with the whole family thing. Oh well, he'll get over it. Oh wait, Naruto obeyed. Ooh… Naruto obeying… ew no! perverted thoughts! When did I get to be such a pervert? Stupid kid.
Any who… oh shit! I almost screamed like a little girl. And trust me, if I wasn't an Uchiha, I would! Seriously, Zetsu just picked me up and dragged me off. I'm going to be eaten aren't I? I feel like crying. I'm too young to be eaten! Wait, am I too young to be eaten? Oh for the love of shit! That is NOT the thing to be thinking about right now! I should be fearing for my fricken' life!
Zetsu stops, and since he has a very firm grip on my hair, (yeah, ouch!), I stop too- slamming into him, (again, ouch!)
"Just thought I'd let you know that the mission was a success, I got the bug. No thanks to you." he lets go of my hair. Thank you to all things beautiful!… all things beautiful? What the heck? "I see you were too busy wooing the kyuubi child to notice…"
Wooing?! I was doing no such thing! Shit! I can feel the heat rise… in my cheeks you bastards. Oh my fucking days, I am Itachi U-fucking-Chiha! I don't freaking blush! And Zetsu's freaking smirking!
"I wont tell anyone!" he says, oh how very teenage girlish!
"I don't care, just don't eat me!"
Whoops… time to take my leave. In other words… RUN AWAY!!
I hope that was enjoyed by the people who asked for a sequel. I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for Reading, Please Review.
Od23.