-1I Don't Think I'm Stalking Him
ItaNaru
Third instalment, was supposed to be the last one, but… I like them too much. I brought back the blasphemy by the way, doesn't seem like Itachi without it.
I never really noticed this before, because usually when I see him I am trying to kill the brat, but he tends to attract the attention of older women. And I am not lying or exaggerating! He's avoided four kisses off some very strange ladies while I've been watching him. And why am I not trying to kill him now? Well, I'm just not.
No, I'm not stalking him. Fuck you. What I'm doing isn't stalking! It's… passing by… and spending a rather large amount of time observing him as I do… see, that's not stalking.
Anywho! As I was saying, he attracts the attention of older women, but he's completely oblivious, which is rather cute actually… cute? I need to stop hanging around with such feminine men. Damn Deidara! Why do I hang around with that sun of a… gun? Well, I just almost fell out of my tree at y lack of a swear word! By the way, doesn't it seem like wherever I go there are trees to hide in? there are trees everywhere! The world is being taken over by trees. Oh God no! Save the children! … I didn't just say that. I didn't! cough.
Anyway, so on with the damned story! Guess what? It's my birthday! I know, how sad, I grow another year older and nobody bothered to notice. (that may be because I killed everyone who would car… but hey!) I just turned 21 today, and I missed out on all the birthday treats as a kid, so I decided to give myself a treat and go see Naruto. Okay, that came out wrong! it's not that I overly enjoy going to see Naruto! It's just different from what I usually do! Yeah. -urgh, Deidara's rubbing off on me.
So, on this beautiful day which is the day I was born 21 years ago (I'm old! Tear!), if I was to stumble across a certain blonde, what should I do?
I know what I would like to do… that is to sweep him up in my arms, save him from that perverted sanin he's staying with, carry him back to the Akatsuki lair and there make him my kinky sex slave.
WOW! Hold up! When did I get this perverted? Even Deidara isn't this perverted! Who tainted me so? It takes a lot of effort not to cry like a little girl and shout that I'm just growing up to be a kinky old man (I'm sure we all have these moments), but by this time I have realised the object of my desi- thoughts, if just bellow my tree. Which is enough to shut me up. That is until someone says -
"Sir!!! Look at the EAR FRESSHNAAA!" I look around to see a little girl (very little) with huge eyes staring at me. I gave a great yelp of surprise (yeah, like you haven't done that in your pathetic lifetime!) I glance down at the kyuubi kid, wondering how the hell a little girl got into my tree.
"Sir!!! Look at the EAR FRESSHNAAA!" she repeats this four times, and then I look at her bloody air freshener! WHAT THE HELL?!?! That's not even an air freshener! It's a friggen doorbell! She's staring at me, please don't tell me I said that aloud.
"Sir! You look funny." she giggles, I glare at her. Stupid little kid.
"Santa isn't real." I say, she bursts into tears, I drop down about four feet away from Naruto, leaving her bawling in the tree. Oh yes, birthdays are great! I move a little closer to hear what Jiyaira and Naruto are saying.
"Hey Jiyaira?" what do you think of Itachi Uchiha?"
Well isn't that just a bloody coincidence? Heh, Kowinkidink. Yeah… anyway. I swear I'm not making this up! He's actually talking about me! What the hell? Jiyaira looks put out.
"He's an A rank Criminal, He murdered his entire clan and he-" he says something I cant hear, "His-" Again with the muttering! Naruto's eyes go wide with shock, but he already knows all this crap, so why's he so shocked?
"HE ATE HIS BOYFRIEND!" Naruto shouts loudly. My eyes bulge. Ate? I'm not a bloody cannibal! And I didn't HAVE a boyfriend.
"I said killed! And I said best!" he shouts (well, that makes it much better! snort). People are beginning to stare. Naruto laughs.
"Oh sorry!… I'm hungry!"
Awww, poor Naruto! Are they starving you? Jiyaira rolled his eyes
"We only just ate!" … that's a 'no' then.
"But I'm hungry again!" Naruto looks really cute when he whines. Oh fuck, kinky thoughts coming back to me… urgh! Naruto jumps up and down and spots me… crap. To the trees! Bu my legs refuse to move again. Damn trees, betraying me! Naruto is… hugging me. Again! Why is it he always hugs me when I don't feel like hugging him?
"Watch it kid, you know I'm usually meant to kill you right?" yeah, smooth - I'm so good at this. (note the sarcasm)
Naruto grins. "But not today!" he giggles, "Happy birthday Itachi-chan!"
I… he… did he just? When did he? … oh my god. I blanch. Dear God.
"How did you know what today is? And don't ever call me 'chan' again…" yeah! "Kid."
Naruto grins. "I made Sasuke tell me! But don't tell him we talked okay?" how often do I see my brother? "he doesn't really like us talking…" Naruto trails off and a sudden bad feeling comes over me. I grab him by the shoulders.
"He doesn't hurt you does he?" I ask, Naruto looks confused, then shakes his head.
"He couldn't hurt me if her tried!" I give his shoulders a squeeze, feeling somewhat boyfriendish.
"I know you're strong! But he's not exactly weak! He never takes his anger out on you or anything?" I ask, Naruto breaks my hold.
"Stop treating me like a little kid! I can look after myself! Sasuke's never hurt me! But he's my friend and so if he asks me to stay away from you then I try! But I cant stay away from you and you know that! So all I want to do is make sure he doesn't know! So he doesn't worry!" people are staring - they have that habit - Naruto is shouting and I glance at Jiyaira of all people (not a pretty sight). He looks like he's about to attack me, so I nod at Naruto and take my leave. Back to my solitude as I stalk, I mean pass by, Naruto.
Yep, birthdays are great! Note: sarcasm. So far I've been harassed by a small female thing, accused of being a gay cannibal, introduced to the world of kinky-old-man-ness and I've made fox boy hate me. He disliked me before. He even told me so. But now I think he really must hate me. Note to self, never insult of accuse Sasuke of being a manipulative bitch in front of Naruto. Seriously? What's going on between those two anyway? Naruto has told me there NOT shagging, (even insinuating that Sasuke and I would have committed incest, which, by the way, is NOT true.) but the way Naruto just acted, its as if he would dare displease darling Sasuke-kun. I actually growl, and earn a very disgruntled look from the harassed looking mother of what looks suspiciously like quintuplets. God, that must have been one hell of a pregnancy. I shake my head, poor lady. I'd hate to be pregnant… yeah okay! I think we went off on one here. I wonder if I can get Naruto pregnant… Oh my God! Itachi you are such a fucking god-damned pervert! He's 13 for the love of life! You are here-by not allowed to even think the words Naruto and Pregnant in the same sentence! Jesus fucking Christ Itachi Uchiha!
Right, anyway, err… oh my god I still cant believe I thought that! I need a cold shower. Urgh, but seriously, I'm brooding. And no, I don't mean I want to get pregnant, I just TOLD you I don't want to get pregnant. Besides, its PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to get pregnant. Okay, enough with the word pregnant. But I mean, I'm thinking. About Naruto - (duh, I don't think I'm allowed to think about anything else. I never stop thinking about him - that came out wrong)
Anywho, he said he couldn't stay away from me which either means one of three things.
1 = he's madly in love with me and couldn't bare to be away from me.
2 = he's stalking me.
3 = I'm spending too much time tracking him down and either trying to kill him or simply pass him by, meaning - I'm stalking him.
But I'm NOT stalking him, so by that conclusion it would have to be one of the other two, and those aren't particularly realistic no matter how appetising they are. Damn I'm smart.
But whatever the fuck happened to NOT being in love with the brat anyway? Where's my good ol' friend denial?
Denial: Too busy working on the fact that you're oh so NOT stalking him.
…
Fuck off Denial.
Back to watching Naruto, we're now at a beach, and they haven't spotted me, because I'm stealthy, and ninja! Wait… I AM a ninja!!! Too right! Urgh! Naruto - goddammit! Get on with the fucking story Uchiha!
Right, beach, Jiyaira is laughing like a mad scientist - no surprises there. Wait, why are there no surprises? I confuse myself… anyway, and Naruto looks like he could shoot someone. Dear God, he'd make one scary manipulative wife! Jesus friggen Christ! One track mind much Itachi! But no, seriously, he crossed his arms! It's a very manipulative wife like gesture! And now he's making hand signs and - DEAR GOD NO…
Naruto! What have you done to your body? You look like some common slut! And is Jiyaira actually enjoying this? That pervert! Stay. The fuck. Away.
… how did I get down here? on the beach, next to Naruto, who has reverted back to his usual self - thank God - well, here we go again. Wrapping arms around Naruto's waist and back to the trees. Really, how could these tress ever betray me? *faithful*
"Ever heard of a conventional date? Like going to the movies? I'm getting tired of looking at bark… and really, did you ever think of asking if I even wanted to go with you before you kidnap me!?" Dear lord Naru scares me when he's angry, Naru? that's cute. But seriously, he's glaring - did the accusing of Sasuke piss him off that much? Well sure as hell I'm gunna take this abuse just for trying to save him and being worried about him!
"Well So-ooo-rry!" but your perverted sensei was so using you for his own sexual pleasures!"
Naru's eyes go wide and he smirks. Bastard.
"Jealous?" he asks, no… "Want me to do it for you?" he carries on, transforming again and pinning himself up against me. Ew… I look away.
"Don't do that to yourself! You're 13 for Christ sake!"
Naru pouts and changes back. Damn, I'm getting kinda serious aren't I?
"Fine." he says dramatically. "But it's only my sexy Jutsu! I use it to get Jiyaira to do what I want." he explains. Two words come to mind. Manipulative wife.
And Jesus Christ I will never cross Naruto or think of him as a weak child who need protection ever again.
"But anyway! As you're here! Happy birthday Itachi-chan!"
I cant even be bothered to tell him not to use 'chan' after my name. where had my pride gone? Tears. Wait… birthday? I'd almost forgotten. Heh. I put a hand in his hair. His soft, soft hair.
URGH! What the fuck was that? It's like the soppy Itachi-poet and the Itachi-kinky man combined! I don't even want to think of it! EURGH!" he giggles. How can he go from glaring his hate at me to giggling and wishing me a happy birthday in the snap of my fingers? "What shall we do to celebrate? I didn't get you a present, so you can have me!"
Wow, kinky overload! My EARS are red! I'm SURE he meant that innocently, but really! Dear God I need a cold shower right now!
He smirks. "That's nice."
Oh crap, don't tell me I said that shower thing out loud.
"It's a habit of yours."
I could just die…
"Don't do that!"
Goddammit!
And thus, Itachi and Naru took a cold shower together in which they did very naughty things, and Santa changed his mind after witnessing said things, (because he's a dirty pervert) and gave them both coal for Christmas! And then Itachi regretted telling the small female thing that Santa wasn't real, but he'd didn't regret doing naughty things with Naru in the shower…
WHAT??? No! No, no, no, no, no! we aren't going to take a shower, Santa ISN'T real and I will not do ANYTING with Naruto!… yet. But where did that even come from? Urgh! We're still on my birthday! Summer! If you want Christmas go to the next Chapter!
Will there be naughty goings ons in the shower?
NO! …but there will be cake.
^^ couldn't resist! I feel I got too serious in this one. I was eating an apple while I wrote it. It was a nice apple. ^Laugh^
Hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter Is the Christmas update, I gave you two because I barely ever update, and it's Christmas!
^Love^