A/N In "Severus Snape in Sexy Singles" I had a chapter with some of the same ideas from this chapter. However as "Severus Snape in Sexy Singles" and "Severus Snape Simulates" are being merged into "Starring Severus Snape 2: Severus Snape Simulates" and "Starring Severus Snape 3: Reality Bites Severus Snape" and, later, "Starring Severus Snape 4: Snape Through the Ages" I had to repeat myself a little. So if you recognize some of this chapter that is the reason why.

Chapter four: What Not To Wear.

Back outside Snape took a deep breath of the fresh air. As he'd been leaving Lee-Manners mentioned that Adam was meant to be there soon and Snape had crossed his fingers that he wouldn't run into him. Lucky whoever governed the laws of crossed fingers had heard Snape's unspoken plea and granted it.

Before heading back to the Inn and Diagon Alley Snape spotted a stall on the side of the road selling Muggle papers and magazines, food and drink and cigarettes. He was going to keep walking but instead he stopped when he saw a largish photo of him on the front of one thick, glossy magazine, and a small one on the cover of something that was a cross between a newspaper and weekly magazine. He already planned on picking up copies of "Cosmowitch", "Witchspeak" and "Fairy" on his way back through Hogsmeade as they were about the last reviews or articles on him since the movie was now somewhere between leaving the cinema screens and being released on DVD.

Snape picked up a magazine called "The Monthly Mirror" which had a small photo of him on the left hand side. He opened it and found the contents page where page 35 contained an article called "Secretive Severus Snape." He snorted in disgust and then flicked through the magazine until he found what he was looking for.

Severus Snape- the 40-something breakout star of "William The Wizard"- is an intensely secretive man who guides his privacy rigorously. During publicity for the movie released last summer Snape wouldn't talk about acting, the movie, the cast and crew, his favourite colour and food, let alone where he resides as a Science teacher at a high school. An insider involved with the movie confirms that Snape only did the number of interviews and appearances stipulated in his contract with "Hammond Productions" and not a single one more. While most actors love to talk themselves and their movies up to anyone who will listen, as well as meeting and greeting with fans, Snape is the exact opposite. Some might think this refreshing in a celebrity world where Tom Cruise jumps up and down on a couch to declare his love for Katie Holmes, where Paris Hilton is famous only for a dodgy sex-tape and the fact she is a heiress to the Hilton fortune, and where the continual one-up-manship of the Jennifer Anniston V Angelina Jolie showdown commands headlines in print media the world over. Others might think by virtue of being a celeb Snape has a responsibility to his films to promote them and to his fans to be somewhat accessible. The insider's view was thus: "Snape seems to not only discourage fans but also to actively dislike them." Professor Edward Brayton, social commentator and head of Oxford University's School of Media says "Considering Mr. Snape's income relies on [the fans] seeing, liking and ultimately buying his film I don't think that alienating them is a good move." Professor Brayton also adds that movie-goers are a much savvier group than they were twenty years ago and, particularly with the rise of the internet, they can make or break a film or an actor's career. "We have bloggers all over [the net] spilling celebrity secrets and gossip but even so using a couple of the most popular search engines for these kinds of sites I didn't find any absolutely confirmed information about Mr. Snape. At the same time I also found there were many sites featuring all sorts of rumours and gossip about the man."

As mentioned earlier it isn't just his craft that Severus Snape is so tight-lipped about, but it extends to the more personal aspects of his life: intriguingly a "Google" search, the telephone directory, and cold-calling schools all over the country did not reveal where Snape lives and works in what the crew member above called "his true calling." Associate Professor Kenneth Gould, consultant to various medical bodies, and author of "What one simple sentence can really tell us" (Times bestseller for eleven weeks running and still going) suggested to me that it was "entirely probable...that Severus Snape is displaying symptoms of paranoia." His desire to keep his birthplace and family members a secret is not a bad thing, according to Associate Professor Gould as it simply is the kind of protective thing many men, especially famous men, do on a regular basis. However his dislike of people, fans, and the world that made him a household name across the entire globe, is a little concerning to Associate Professor Gould. "It's not because I believe he has something to hide but more so because he so strongly feels the need to do this."

But it isn't just Snape's personal information that one needs a very high security clearance in MI5 or MI6 to access. It's also giving fans and journalists the information that can hardly be considered top secret; like is he into rock music, pop music, oldies music or techno music? (For the record one of the Hammond team who traveled with Snape and Emma on their American promotional trip says that Snape listened to a mixture of techno music and pop music.) It's entirely possible that if Snape were to part with some of this information then journalists like myself wouldn't get so much mileage out of writing about him. Doctor Duncan Murphy, head of the School of Social Studies at Liverpool University, thinks that Severus Snape would certainly make for an interesting in-depth study. "What I find interesting is that [he] is the exact opposite of many stars around. Stars like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher update their lives on "Twitter" regularly and singer John Mayer uses his website to update his fans on what he is doing at the time. Still Snape resists that kind of interaction with people." Doctor Murphy is quick to point out that he is not suggesting that Snape's actions come from a place of psychological issues, but rather that there are probably strong personal reasons behind his reluctance to give too much of himself to the fans. The problem with this, according to the doctor, is that "here we have a man who could use this platform of fame to do something important for society." Pamela Anderson is a strong supporter of PETA, numerous stars put their names to charities like Lance Armstrong, and many are patrons of various UN committees. "They are all taking a message and getting it across to people and I have to wonder whether [Snape's] refusal to do this…is socially irresponsible?"

As for me until a sequel to "William The Wizard", or another movie starring Severus Snape, is released I am putting a "Snape Ban" on writing any more articles about the enigma that is Severus Snape!

Snape rolled his eyes. Besides the fact that he thought the so-called experts quoted in the article were full of it, Snape thought the writer had no idea what he, or she, was talking about either. He opened the second magazine and flipped through to the article, entitled "Is he for real? Severus Snape's secrets spilled." What was with these Muggles and his so-called furtive nature? When had not talking about yourself gone from a good thing to a bad thing subject to all kinds of conjecture? Thinking it highly probable he wouldn't like this article any more than the previous one, Snape began to read.

Cindy (not her real name as she wants to remain anonymous) is probably one of the very few people who know Severus Snape well. A tall, quite petite, woman with thick, long black hair with artfully created waves, light blue eyes and a trout-pout to rival Lisa Rina, Cindy sat down and crossed her long legs over before ordering a bourbon and coke. Here she spills some of the secrets that make Snape the mysterious enigma he is.

Question number one: Seriously, why is Snape so secretive?

Answer: Sev has been hurt pretty badly in his life so he choses to keep things quiet and to himself to stop himself from that sort of pain again.

Q: By "hurt badly" are you referring to women and intimate relationships?

A: Yes.

Q: So Snape has had some longtime serious and committed relationships?

A: Yes, he has. Hasn't everyone by that age?

Q: How many?

A: Four that I know of. A girl from high school, a woman at the same university, a woman named Rita who he was actually engaged to, and a fourth which ended about two years ago. That last one really shook him up a bit.

Q: No current girlfriend?

A: No. Although I believe there are a couple of prospects. Plus there are many women not just here in England but all over the world who, after seeing "William The Wizard" would be completely open to a relationship with Severus.

Q: That's another thing- Severus Snape is not exactly a conventional name, is it? Where did it come from?

A: I imagine his parents. [Laughs] No, actually Severus came from his paternal Great-Great Grandmother. The Snape family line is one that can trace its lineage back to the dawn of time.

Q: Snape teaches science at a high school right? How did he go from teacher to actor?

A: He fell into it. Literally.

Q: Yet he's made a big deal about saying he'll never act again. Is he serious about that?

A: God yes. Teaching is something he's good at, science is something he's good at. And even though he was good as "William" he was never one hundred percent comfortable in that arena.

Q: Tell me something about Snape that nobody else knows.

A: Oh God! You're really putting the pressure on here… [Laughs] Erm…okay, well Sev loves to fish- especially fly fishing-, he's fluent in French and Indonesian and he plans to spend a couple of weeks of his summer holidays every year from now on in a different country. This year will be New Zealand where he wants to bungee jump, go into those, what do you call it, zorbing things, go white-water rafting, basically experience all those high octane adventures that the country is famous for.

Q: Wow. That's ambitious. And maybe a little bit crazy.

A: Sev enjoys the whole dangerous adventure thing. For his 40th birthday I paid for him to go sky diving and ever since then he's been hooked on doing stuff that would frighten most other people. Me included.

Q: Word association. I say something and you say the first thing that comes to mind with regards to Snape. Firstly: food?

A: Loves it. Oh, that's two words. My bad. [Laughs]

Q: Spare time?

A: Plenty of it.

Q: Reading?

A: Science.

Q: Television?

A: What's that? [Laughs] Sev is not really into television or movies for that matter.

Q: Prime Minister?

A: Erm…old?

Q: Music?

A: As long as it's not too loud.

Q: Students?

A: A paycheck.

Q: Last one- drinking?

A: Gin and tonic, vodka and lime, Baileys, white wine.

Q: Now when I ask for Snape's favourite thing- or things plural- you give me the answer. Favourite pastime?

A: Spending time with good friends, reading, playing poker and writing poetry.

Q: Favourite thing to do at a pub or other entertainment venue?

A: Line dancing. Although he also likes to go crazy in the moshpit and rock out to some of the oldies like ACDC or Kiss. He's actually a rather good dancer believe it or not.

Q: Favourite animal?

A: Giraffes. He collects giraffe figurines and paintings. He has a silver giraffe on his key ring.

Q: Favourite car?

A: Mini moke. He has this kind of lime-green one. Oh and he's going to totally kill me for this but he drives waaay too fast! [Snorts]

Q: Favourite colour?

A: Jade green.

Q: Favourite saying or catchphrase?

A: Bloody hell, that's a hard one…erm I'm going to say "I'm the King of the World!" You know the line from "Titanic" where Leo was at the very front of the ship with his arms outstretched. Oh, he also likes to say "Run Forest, run!" whenever someone runs by or near him.

"Excuse me!"

Snape looked up. The man on the stall was glaring at him. "What?" Snape demanded impatiently.

"I'm not running a bloody library here mate!" The man said.

"I know that…no self-respecting library would stock these kinds of crap." Snape replied.

"What the hell? You're the one reading the magazines, not me. You're the one who is reading magazines only women read. You're the one-"

"Oh for Merlin's sake." Snape interrupted. "Please, do me a favour and just don't talk."

"And you do me a favour arsehole and either pay for those magazines or get on your bike." The man demanded.

"I'm walking, not riding." Snape said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah. Whatever buddy." The man said. He reached over and grabbed the magazines out of Snape's hand and, a little too vigorously, shoved them back onto the stand.

"And I am most certainly not your friend!" Snape added. His hand went towards his back pocket where his wand was, uncomfortably, situated. He wanted to curse the man. But obviously he couldn't. He marveled at how patient he was getting these days with Muggles. It was like they'd thrown their worst at him during "William The Wizard" and he'd coped well so now he could cope with anything they wanted to dish out to him.

"Awww damn shame." The man said sarcastically.

Snape shook his head and began to walk back towards the Inn. While passing through Diagon Alley he had a few things he needed to get. He thought that perhaps getting the magazines he wanted would be better to do in London than Hogsmeade as there wouldn't be any Hogwarts students there and he might not be as well known. He was about a block and a half away from the Inn when he was stopped.

"Hello!" A woman's voice spoke loudly near Snape's ear.

He jumped and glared at the owner of the voice. "Who do you think you are? Are you trying to frighten me to death or just to deprive me of my hearing?" He snapped.

"Neither, actually. I'm Trinie."

"Congratulations." Snape replied.

"And this," she indicated a second woman "is Susannah. No doubt you know us from television, with our own show. This guy here is our camera man and this other man our voice man. And, of course, you know this lovely woman here."

Snape glanced from the first woman, to the other one, the two men, and the third woman. He had no idea who any of them were or why they were standing there. "Erm…no. I don't know her. I don't know you either."

Trinie's jaw dropped slightly. "You don't know "What Not To Wear"? Have you been living under a rock?"

"Apparently." Snape replied slowly.

"Well, our show is very popular, and it airs in quite a few countries all over the world. We've had a few specials as well and we've been on tours to countries as far away as Australia to makeover the fashion faux paus." Trinie boasted.

Snape nodded, speechless for the time being.

"And this gorgeous woman here is our special guest for this episode. We're filming a few specials of "WNTW" called "WNTW: Celebrity Help." And this woman is none other than Danni Minogue. She's quite a big deal in the album charts here and is also famous back in her home country for her singing career, her work on "Home and Away" when she was younger, her work on the "Got Talent" and "X Factor" franchises, as well as, for the fact that her younger sister is Kylie Minogue." Trinnie continued.

"Minogue?" Snape repeated. He looked at the other woman who was watching him with a small smile on her lips. She was, in Snape's humble opinion, a little strange looking- even for a Muggle. Her face reminded him a little of the mannequins used in "Supercallerfragelisticexpialidociose Fashions", "Riva Young Witch clothing" and even in "Anaconda: Fashion for the discerning dark wizard or witch" in Diagon Alley.

"That's right. I believe you know my sister Kylie. Personally." Danni said.

"Okay. Yeah." Snape muttered, uncomfortably. Kylie, the nutter? Kylie who had not only harassed and embarrassed him in private but also in public? Could this day get any worse?

Trinie said something to the cameraman and he nodded and moved closer to Snape. "Severus Snape- we are going to show you how to dress for success and let you know what not to wear. Are you ready?" She said dramatically.

Snape was uncomfortably aware of the camera in his face to catch his probably comical reaction. "What are you on about? Or more likely what are you on? I've got to get back to school since I was- regrettably- tied up in other sordid business and I've got essays to mark and exam questions to make up." Snape said firmly. He sketched a brief wave and turned to walk off, but the second woman, who hadn't spoken yet, grabbed his arm.

"Wait. You can't go!" She said.

"Why not? As far as I'm aware this is still a free country." Snape said.

The Muggles all exchanged looks before Danni stepped forward. "Okay, so since you haven't seen the show I guess we should tell you how it works. These two women here are clothing gurus. They can take a man devoid of any style- kind of like you- and turn him into a snappy, handsome man who is guaranteed to get the ladies. What self-respecting person wouldn't want their help? Not just to guarantee they pull in the clubs but because everyone always wants to look better than they are." She explained.

"What if I don't want to be in the show?" Snape asked.

"Are you serious? Nobody says no!" Susannah chimed in.

Snape raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

"Okay. Marty turn the camera off." Trinie said.

"But what-" The cameraman began to protest.

"Just do it, okay?" Trinie instructed curtly.

The man, looking quite unhappy about this direction, obeyed.

"Now it's just you, Severus, and us. I can level with you. Someone nominated you for this show. It's kind of how it works. And that someone told us that you'd be more than happy to do it." Trinie told him.

"And who was that someone?" Snape questioned.

Trinie hesitated. "I don't think it matters…"

"It matters. Who?" Snape demanded coldly. The voice he was using would put the fear of doom in many students at Hogwarts, but not these Muggle women.

Susannah sighed. "His name was Fudge. He said you might resist doing it because you're rather shy. But he said if you refused to tell you- and this makes no sense to me- that wars cannot be won without warriors and that doing this show is part of the obligation you have with him unless you want to work alongside the simpleton Tom in something or other inn." She said.

Snape groaned. It sounded just like Cornelius Fudge. But why the hell had the Minister not mentioned it to him the other day? "Right. Well what do I have to do in this nightmare?"

"When someone is nominated by a loved one, friend or colleague if they're in desperate need of a fashion makeover we will film them for awhile- to show off their worst clothing choices- then we accost them- that's what we're doing here by the way, we've already got quite a lot of footage of you from both our own stakeout cameras as well as file footage- and show them the film which makes them realise how sad and pathetic they looked and how desperate they need our help. Then we take them and show them the sorts of clothings that we think flatter their shape and looks, the colours or makes of clothes that show up their assets the best, and then our work is done." Trinie explained.

"Oh. Great." Snape said, devoid of any excitement. If he had the choice between being locked in a room with the stupidest of muggles, or spending a few hours at the dentist, or doing this, the former two would win in a landslide. He decided then and there that as soon as humanely possible he was immigrating to the South Pole. He loved most of his life, he enjoyed his potions work, but nothing was worth this much pain. Nothing. Although he thought perhaps he would be better off waiting for the whole Voldermort slash dark flunkies versus pretty much everyone else tussle was resolved. Just in case he was fated to play an important role in things. Then he was moving to the South Pole. Surrounded by nothing other than ice, water and sky, he could finally relax and be happy.

Trinie gestured to the camera man and the other man and they got their equipment working. "Severus Snape: the time has come for you to see yourself through the eyes of others. Come with us while we show you." She said.

"And then let us transform you into everything you can be!" Susannah added.

Snape didn't speak, just meekly nodded and prayed that this thing wouldn't last too long.

**

Half an hour later Snape, Trinie, Susannah and Danni were sitting in a room of some sort, a kind of cross between a living room and dressing room. On one wall was a large plasma screen and on the screen was a montage of Snape. A couple of pictures of him making "William The Wizard", a few from the publicity trail, including his appearance on American television and the premiere, and a few photos that Snape was unsure of the origin except for the fact that he felt sure they were pretty recent. Then, most disturbingly of all, Trinie and Susannah had trailed him most of his day in London. And then there was the humiliation of their strike.

Susannah turned the television off with a remote control. "So. What do you have to say in your defence Severus?"

"Erm…my clothes are the most comfortable?" Snape offered.

Trinie laughed. "No. Tracksuit pants and hoodies are slouch around the house but don't set a pedicured toe over the front door comfortable. Not those...what do you call that cloaky thing you wear?"

"A robe." Snape said. Unconsciously he tugged at his robe and was glad that underneath it he wore his off-duty uniform of jeans and a t-shirt.

"A robe?" Danni repeated, laughing loudly. "God that's a classic."

"I don't condemn someone for wearing what makes them comfortable. In fact I think if you wear something that you don't feel at ease in then you tend to always be fiddling with it and, subconsciously, you just aren't happy. But out in public is an entirely different kettle of fish: clothing maketh the man." Trinie said.

"Okay." Snape said.

"Come over here for a minute Severus." Susannah said.

Snape was lead across the room to a door.

Trinie put her hand on the doorknob and then smiled "Severus Snape, welcome to your life. In clothing that is."

She flung it open dramatically and Snape felt his heart sink through the floor- inside was, well, everything he owned in the way of clothing. A couple of his everyday black robes, three pairs of (very embarrassing) dress robes, two pairs of flannelette pajamas and a thick blue dressing gown, a couple of pairs of jeans (one dark denim, one faded and holey, one black with skinny legs that he absolutely despised but only kept because someone he cared about had given them to him a few years ago), numerous t-shirts with logos and patterns of no real significance on them, a few jumpers, an anorak, a padded grey jacket for really cold weather, two pairs of tracksuit pants, and a pile of underwear and socks.

"You really stick to a particular type of clothing, don't you?" Danni remarked. "And would it kill you to wear some colour- it's all black, blue, grey, nothing of any interesting colour."

Snape heard the laughter in her voice and felt himself turn bright red. The Minister for Magic really had it coming to him this time around! If he'd been trying to embarrass Snape then he had more than succeeded in his mission.

"Tell me, Danni, are you only doing this show because your sister said no? How does it feel to always be second best, always be the less famous and liked sister?" Snape enquired casually.

Danni's face went as red as Snape's had been- although hers was because of anger, not embarrassment. "I'd really love to get into a sniping match with you but I am here to help out on this show and I intend to be a true professional even if the man I am working with was responsible for my sister entering therapy to deal with the terrible, cold way he treated her." She said primly.

"Whatever." Snape dismissed her.

"Severus, tell us a little bit more about the robe you wear frequently. We were surprised to find that it was actually very common for you to be seen in that robe and we're thinking it might have been a throwback from the costume you wore on "William The Wizard." Unless, of course, you think you're really a wizard!" Susannah said, with a loud laugh. The other women joined in, and the sound guy had a grin on his face too.

"If I really was a wizard don't you think I'd have pulled out my wand and cursed you by now?" Snape asked.

"Oh please, Severus, teach us an incantation from "William The Wizard." Something like it makes you invisible or reads minds or makes people do whatever you want them to do." Trinie begged.

"Erm…okay…well "un-illuminatti" would make you unseen, to read minds it's "pensive-ity" and to make people do your bidding it's "branniacis mineus."" Snape said.

"Brilliant!" Susannah said.

"We're getting a bit off track here. Severus you were going to tell us why you were these robe things so much?" Trinie asked.

"Like I said they're comfortable." Snape said.

"Like your lovely pajamas over there. Dead sexy. I bet the ladies get turned on just by seeing them." The cameraman muttered.

Snape glanced at him. "You're a man, right?" He asked.

"Hell yeah! The last time I checked I saw a big dick and balls." The man said. He held up his hand and the sound man slapped it in a high-five.

"Yet you appear to have breasts. Are you in the middle of changing your sex, or were you born with both male and female bits? Or maybe you've just got those tits that are bigger than anything I've seen on women?" Snape continued.

"What the…? Dude do not even go there unless you want a black eye." The cameraman snapped, angrily.

"What are you going to do?" Snape taunted him. "Hit me in the eye with your titties?"

"Oh you are so going down!" The cameraman made a motion to get to Snape but the other man stopped him.

"He's not worth it mate." He told the angry man.

"Whatever." The cameraman said sullenly.

Susannah coughed uncomfortably. "Back to the clothes. The robes?"

"They're just something to wear." Snape said.

"Okay. And as Danni correctly observed you don't have much colour in your wardrobe. Why's that?" Susannah asked.

"I don't know really…" Snape admitted.

"Real men can wear colour, you know? They can actually pull it off quite well. Look at these two blokes. Cameron is rocking that red knitted jumper, and Abe pulls off that moss-green printed tee brilliantly." Susannah said.

"Bet he looks even better in pink…" Snape said maliciously.

"Dude! Seriously-"

"Oh for God's sake you two! Grow up already. Cam if you can't do your job here and just film then we'll get someone else." Trinie said.

"I'm fine. It's all good." Cameron muttered darkly.

"Right. Thank you." Trinie said.

"Is choosing not to wear colour because you have that idea that men keep to dark colours and brighter colours are more for women? Or is it something you've been doing so long you don't even really think about?" Susannah asked.

"Both?" Snape suggested.

"Okay because I'm looking at your colouring and thinking you could get away with something that's not quite so drab. Black hair works well with all colours so you're quite lucky there. And your skin is definitely quite pale, even a little sallow, so something like a lighter blue, a green, possibly a red, yellow or even orange, wouldn't make you look too washed out I don't think. Have you ever considered fake tan?" Trinie asked.

"No." Snape didn't even know what fake tan was.

"There was a photo we had that we didn't put up on the screen before that showed you coming out of some kind of shop and you were wearing checked golf pants with a business shirt and sandals. It's probably the worst look we've ever seen doing this show- and let me tell you Severus, we've seen some truly frightening things." Susannah said.

Danni snorted but Snape was pretending like she was not even there.

"Considering what you have in your cupboard I think you are going to use the entire two thousand pounds we allocated to you for new clothing." Trinie remarked, offhandedly.

Snape's ears pricked up. "Two thousand?" He repeated, not sure he had heard correctly.

"That's right. Very nice huh?" Trinie asked.

"Nice. Yes." Snape agreed. Pity it was Muggle money but he could take it to Gringotts and change it into real money. He didn't want to waste that kind of cash on crappy clothes he'd never even wear. The news of this remuneration made the prospect a fair bit easier to stomach- being a professor at Hogwarts wasn't exactly high-paying. Snape frequently thought that he and the other teachers there deserved a lot more money than they were being paid with all they had to deal with.

"Severus do you wear anything under the robe? I mean Scotsmen don't wear anything under their kilts, what about you and this cloak thing?" Danni asked.

"I beg your pardon?" Snape stared at her affronted.

"Are you commando?" Danni pressed.

"Am I a soldier?" Snape asked.

Danni laughed. "Oh god, you crack me up Severus. I mean are you naked?"

"No. I have clothes on under the robe." Snape said.

"Anyway we think you've got a decent figure- although you could probably benefit from working out at the gym a couple of times a week to get some six-packs going and some muscles. Tone up a bit around the stomach. But what I think is most important for you Severus is that you need a major fashion overhaul and you need it yesterday." Trinie said.

"I think he could probably do that casual look too. You know jeans, three quarter length pants, cargos, casual shirts, that sort of thing." Susannah said.

Trinie looked Snape up and down and then nodded. "Whatever happens we've got a lot of work ahead of us- so let's get going!"