Chapter Five: FaceSpace is for Twits!
Summonses to the headmaster's office weren't uncommon so, when Snape was called in to see Dumbledore two days later, he had no idea what it was about. Mentally he went through recent events: Fudge's ultimatum, the meeting with the moronic muggle Lee-Manners, the upcoming mini-series and school related business. Snape wondered if Dumbledore had realised he'd made a huge mistake in hiring Delores Umbrige and had decided that Snape was far more useful than his being stuck in the dingy basement with potions suggested. It wasn't like Umbridge was much of a teacher, let alone much of a person, and Snape suspected Dumbledore had similar feelings to those of the rest of the teachers which was that her days were numbered. The staff members tried to avoid their newest member of staff, especially since she'd banished a couple of professors and put a few others on notice. Even more interesting to Snape though was that he'd heard the students complaining about her classes all the time- even more than they complained about potions which was a huge shock to him as he'd always been the most hated teacher and won the "Git of the year" and "Worst teacher to ever have children of their own" awards in the school's yearbook produced by the graduating class throughout his entire tenure. Not surprisingly Snape was kind of pleased at the thought that this year someone else might take the two titles away from him. The headmaster's track record for hiring DADA teachers was bad, to say the least, since all engaged for the position had been failures: there was the one who had been possessed by Voldemort and tried to kill Potter (not altogether a bad thing in Snape's opinion), one who had been vain and in love with himself and ended up going mad, one who had been a werewolf and one who had been kidnapped before taking the spot up and impersonated all year by a madman supporter of Voldemort. Yup it wasn't a job that younger men or women would be rushing to do.
Or perhaps for some reason the Association had informed the headmaster of Snape's acceptance and Dumbledore wanted to congratulate them since not many teachers at Hogwarts had been honoured by their relevant academic societies. That was the most likely reason for this impromptu meeting!
After climbing the stone staircase Snape rapped on the headmaster's office door.
"Hola!"
Snape frowned but shrugged and opened the door. The headmaster was standing by the fireplace and if the rug was anything to go by he'd been pacing back and forth for a while.
"Hola headmaster?" Snape asked.
Dumbledore looked a little confused for a moment but then he smiled and nodded. "I'm experimenting. Enter sounds too authoritarian, come in too childlike, greetings too posh and hi too common. What do you think?"
Snape gave a small shrug. "I've always liked greetings and salutations but whatever revs your scooter."
"Engine." Dumbledore corrected absently. "It's whatever revs your engine."
Snape didn't reply.
"Thirsty Severus? I've got this new caramel, lemon, thyme and sugar tea that's simply to die for." Dumbledore offered. He held up an absurd looking teapot with gaudy purple and pink flowers decorating it.
"Erm…no. Thanks." Snape replied.
"Hungry? These things are called ice vo-vo's and I have to confess to being somewhat addicted to them. They're incredibly more-ish." Dumbledore offered a plate which matched the teapot.
Again Snape declined. "Did you invite me here for a tea party headmaster?"
"No, no. I was just trying to be a good host." Dumbledore looked a little hurt but he came around the desk and sat in his chair. Snape took the one facing the headmaster across the desk and waited.
"I've got a couple of things to discuss with you Severus."
"Yes headmaster?" Snape asked respectfully. How would he react when Dumbledore informed him he finally had the acceptance? Cool and calm, excited, or his usual self?
"I read this in The Daily Prophet this morning and I thought you might want to take a look." Dumbledore said, and he passed him a page clipped from the wizarding newspaper.
Not sure what was going on Snape took the paper and began to read:
This reporter has a scoop for all fans of Hogwarts professor turned Muggle celebrity, Severus Snape. On this week's edition of "What Not To Wear" (a Muggle television show) our Severus will be shown. Promo's for the show reveal Severus is not entirely happy with the idea; in fact we see him spitting the dummy (a Muggle saying) after being told he can't keep the money but has to spend it on clothes as well as when the two style gurus ask to see him in just his underwear. When Severus's wardrobe was looked over and panned by Trinnie and Susannah we get the sense that his temper is boiling under the surface, ready to explode with little motivation. And that motivation? Well you're going to have to watch the show to find out that but I will give you a little hint since I love you so much dear readers: what do you get when you cross a surly reluctant star, a mob of over-excited teenage girls and a glass of red wine? I can only ask what will Severus be up to next? Keep your eyes and ears tuned witches and warlocks because this reporter senses we have not yet seen the last of Severus Snape on our television screens. In fact my sources tell me that pre-production on the new Cutting Edge mini-series "William The Wizard" is close to finishing and filming will begin in London next month and that Severus Snape will be reprising the role he made famous in the big-screen blockbuster. While no official announcement has been made yet expect to see Severus on your television screens in the very near future…
Snape shook his head and threw the paper back onto the headmaster's desk.
"Severus the Minister isn't pleased with this article. He sent it by courier owl for my urgent perusal and gave me instructions to discuss it with you." Dumbledore said.
Snape spread his hands. "I'm sorry, Professor Dumbledore, but I don't know what to tell you."
"Why don't you start with disobeying the Minister's instructions to play bat." Dumbledore suggested.
"He said I had to go on a Muggle show. He didn't mention anything about those two insane, aggravating, ugly, banshee-laughing freaks." Snape protested.
"I would have thought that would have been implicit in his instructions." Dumbledore said.
"Well we're not all as smart as you." Snape snapped.
Dumbledore was, unsuccessfully, trying to hide a smile. "You know that this episode being aired this week could give you some bad press?"
"With the Muggles. Big deal. I'm not losing any sleep over that." Snape said with a shrug.
"I believe someone named Zorba Lee-Manners isn't quite so nonchalant about what you did." Dumbledore said casually.
"They ambushed me sir. I was leaving the production office and they were suddenly there, picking on my clothes, making fun of me, and filming it all. How would you have reacted?" Snape defended himself.
"More graciously than you I hope. Would I be correct in assuming that you won't be watching the show tonight?" Dumbledore asked.
"I'd rather have a Hippogriff eat my private parts." Snape responded.
Dumbledore chuckled but then his face turned somber in repose as he regarded Snape thoughtfully for a couple of moments. "The thing is, Severus, that sometimes things do get a little out of hand in life. Not just this whole "What Not To Wear" business but also the whole cult of what the Muggles call celebrity. I know you didn't want to be in "William The Wizard" but stumbled into it- literally- and I know you don't want to be in the new "William" series or those reality shows that the Minister told you about. Unfortunately though you are in them and as such you have got to think about what you say or do before you say it or it will reflect poorly on you with the Muggles."
"With all due respect Professor Dumbledore I don't particularly care about what the Muggles think about me." Snape pointed out.
"I know that. A blind and deaf man could see that. Nonetheless Fudge does care about how you are perceived and you're skating on thin ice with him already Severus. I'm just warning you to tread carefully…" Dumbledore explained. He locked his hands together and placed them on the desk. "As unfair as this might seem to us when the Muggles view someone as a celebrity they see you as fair game; you're in the public eye and they can say or do anything to satisfy the public's need for gossip."
"Is there no way to stop it?" Snape implored the headmaster. He knew that Dumbledore, despite sometimes making stupid decisions and allowing his heart to get in the way of things, was a very wise man. Surely he would know how to finish this Muggle business once and for all and how to let him, Snape, get back to his normal life?
"I don't know that you can. I suppose things will run their course, and the Muggles will eventually have had enough of you and that will be it. I suggest, however, perhaps not venturing into Muggle London for awhile?" Dumbledore replied.
Snape frowned.
"That's not the only thing the Minister wanted me to bring to your attention-" Dumbledore began.
"If Fudge, sorry mister Fudge, is worried about my actions why doesn't he come here and tell me himself? I don't want to do this thing, be on Muggle television again, but I know when I'm beat and I know that this is one such occasion. I'll do the stupid show but he can't ask me to like it, to enjoy it, or to be happy about it." Snape continued on his tangent, getting a little worked up.
"That's not the second thing. It's about the internet." Dumbledore said.
"The inter-what?" Snape asked. The word rang some kind of bell of familiarity deep in the recess of his mind but he didn't know why that was or where from.
"Internet. It's this Muggle thing on a computer where you can talk to people all over the world, view information and websites globally, all in the privacy and comfort of your own home. Hogwarts is going online you know." Dumbledore said.
"It is?" Snape asked faintly.
"The site should be up and running by the end of the month. The students can chat with students at our brother and sister schools all over the world. It's this excellent thing." Dumbledore explained.
Snape shrugged.
"So I'm assuming you didn't set up a…what was it called again? Let me just check my notes…" Dumbledore took a couple of minutes to sift through the parchments on his desktop and then found the relevant one. "FaceSpace? You didn't set up a FaceSpace profile?"
"I don't even know what FaceSpace is." Snape assured the headmaster.
"Then I think you're going to want to get on a computer and look. An account has been set up in the name of Severus Syrill Symphony Severus." Dumbledore said.
"Someone is pretending to be me?" Snape was more than outraged.
"Apparently." Dumbledore confirmed.
Snape swore and thought about what he'd do to the person who did this, faked his personality, and how much it would hurt and how long it would last for. "Is the person a Muggle or a witch or wizard?"
"Well we don't know- that's kind of the point about the internet, people can be completely anonymous. Judging by the content the person knows you relatively well so all signs point towards the culprit being from the wizarding world." Dumbledore replied.
"Can't the police deal with them? Throw them into Azkaban?" Snape queried.
Dumbledore shook his head. "No. The internet is unregulated so even if the person pretending to be you was found they wouldn't be punished since no law exists about that sort of thing."
Snape sighed heavily. Could this week get any worse?
"According to the online Snape, who is 50 years old, looking for sexual relationships, casual sex, friendship and networking with men and women and a member of the Church of Satan, you have already amassed a staggering 1007 friends." Dumbledore said.
"I'm popular." Snape muttered. He didn't think he really knew over a thousand people let alone could count that many as his friends.
"There are also hundreds of photographs of you on the page; supposed family albums, school days, and photos from "William the Wizard" and the promotional duties associated with the role." Dumbledore added.
Snape was furious. "How dare they? And how could someone get access to my private photographs?"
"Again it does rather point to a wizard or witch, doesn't it?" Dumbledore said.
"Probably a student. Maybe one I failed or took a lot of points off. We need to search the dorms and find out who has done this." Snape insisted. His mind was already running through a checklist of all the pupils- former and present- of Hogwarts who might want to get revenge on him. It was a long list. Top of it though was Potter, Weasley and Granger. Potter probably had the idea, Weasley probably egged him on in his role as sidekick with no brains and no guts to stick up for himself and Granger had taken the idea and run with it in her capacity as the smartest girl in the entire school as well as her outside life as a Muggle.
"Hopefully the Minister will be able to get the page taken down but it might take a couple of days. So if people ask about your FaceSpace page tell them it's an imposter." Dumbledore advised.
"How could anyone think it really is me? FaceSpace is, clearly, for twits." Snape was not only angry but also rather hurt by the whole thing.
"Clearly." Dumbledore agreed. "Can I tell you a guilty little secret Severus?"
Snape nodded.
"I spend my private time Googling myself." The headmaster said.
Snape almost choked. "Headmaster what you do in the privacy of your own…erm office or bedroom is not my business." He managed to say.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with amusement. "You misunderstand me Severus. Google is an internet search engine. You type in whatever it is you're looking to find in the search box and then get the most relevant websites listed. I have looked up Albus Dumbledore occasionally. And other people I know."
**
Curiosity got the better of Snape and that evening he transfigured a Muggle television from one of the cats roaming the castle and, sitting in the solitude of his dungeon office, he tuned into "What Not To Wear" with a fair bit of trepidation. He had thought about the fact that he could probably do with some moral support and in that matter Lalita- the woman who would be his girlfriend if Snape let her- would have only been too happy to oblige, but then Snape decided that he didn't really want her to witness his humiliation. It didn't occur to him that more than likely she was watching the show elsewhere, or if it did, he chose not to think about it.
"Hi, I'm Trinie." The annoying woman's face came onto the television screen.
"And I'm Susannah." The second annoying woman's face popped up next to the first.
"And this is 'What Not To Wear.'" Both spoke at the same time.
"Tonight we're having a special edition of our top-rating show. Normally we target everyday citizens who have committed such crimes against fashion that if the law agreed they'd be locked up and the key thrown away. Normally we help those who need to know that leopard print belongs in the twentieth century not the twenty-first. Normally we educate those who think that Ugg Boots should be worn in public and that the name alone should give them a clue that they're one of the ugliest shoe choices ever made. But tonight, for something different, we're looking at celebrities." Trinie said.
The camera panned back to show the two women's full length's. Trinie was wearing dark blue jeans that, to Snape's untrained eye, looked painted on they were that tight, black heels that were close to six inches tall and a dark purple wooly jumper. Susannah was in a black dress, red heels which were about the same height as Trinie's and a matching big red necklace and bracelet. Snape wondered how they honestly believed they were qualified to talk about clothing?
"Now the fashion choices of celebrities are universally studied and critiqued or applauded on a regular basis. Wearing the wrong dress to the Oscars or a movie premiere, being seen out clubbing without wearing the proper underwear, wearing an outfit more than once or not looking fresh-faced and bright after a marathon party session the night before can make or break a celebrities career. It might seem unfair but that's the nature of the beast. And what this means is that most celebrities- especially A List- have a team of stylists, make-up gurus, hairdressers and personal trainers whose main goal is to make the celebrity look hot on the red carpet or just ducking out for a super sized Starbucks fare." Susannah said.
"I notice you said most celebrities." Trinie said.
"Right, I did. Some celebrity's always get it right; Kiera Knightly, Cate Blanchett, Brad Pitt and George Clooney rarely put a Jimmy Choo or Armani loafer wrong in the style stakes. Others try hard but seem to miss rather than hit the perfect outfit. And others still cannot seem to get it right ever, like Bijou Phillips and Ellen De Generisse." Susannah said.
"Which is where we come in tonight." Trinie said. "Tonight we've volunteered to help two celebrities whose sense of style is non-existent. At least in our minds anyway."
"And to help do this we've got a special co-host." Susannah told the viewers with a smile so bright and so huge that Snape thought a clown would be jealous. The woman was obviously star-struck. Or insane. Or both.
"The special co-host has an international profile. First, as a young girl, she was on a Saturday evening singing show called "Young Talent Time" back in her home country of Australia. After that she scored a role in one of the most popular soap shows both in Australia and here in the UK. That was where she first met her husband. They divorced unfortunately and he went on to become one of the stars of a huge rating American show. After that our special guest decided to follow in the footsteps of her famous older sister again by moving to England to pursue her singing career. She's had plenty of hits and her dance music is favourites of club-goers everywhere. Recently she was a judge on "The X Factor" and "Australia's Got Talent." And she's about to release the first single for her upcoming album- an album she describes as getting back to her singing roots and something she's wanted to write and record for a very long time rather than her club anthems of late. The first single from her about to be released album is titled "Sisters" and is based on the bonds sisters have with one another as well as being a tribute to her own sister, Kylie Minogue. Yes, in case you haven't guessed, I'm talking about Danni Minogue!" Trinie said.
The camera showed Trinie and Susannah walking down one of the more fashionable streets in London talking to the camera. A few people recognised them and two even asked for their autographs before they ducked into a doorway and into a hotel lobby. The foyer was pretty grand with marble floors and columns and gold all over the fixtures so Snape thought it a safe assumption to think it was an up market hotel. Danni was sitting in the tea room sipping a coffee in a black sequined dress that wouldn't have been underdressed for a black tie formal event. She squealed with excitement when Trinie and Susannah walked into the room and she got up to hug and kiss their cheeks like she was so excited to see them and surprised at the same time even though Snape figured it was most definitely something they'd already discussed and agreed on. Muggles were strange creatures, he thought, not for the first time.
For a few minutes the three women mutually gushed over one another's achievements, with especial emphasis on Danni's upcoming album called "Born Free." Snape snorted disdainfully; what was the bet that this Danni chick couldn't sing, was in fact even a worse singer than Kylie, and just wanted to ride the coat-tails of Kylie's recent success? Which reminded him of the tip he'd received that morning, anonymously by owl, that Kylie had been approached to sing the theme song for the "William the Wizard" mini-series. Snape couldn't think of a worse person to be asked that, especially considering the way she'd portrayed him in her new song.
Just thinking about the song "You broke my heart Mr. S" made him want to curse the nearest person- be they Muggle, witch or wizard or other magical being. The song, released just before Christmas, wasn't backward in coming forward and Snape was sure everyone knew exactly who "Mr. S" truly was. Some of the lyrics of the song which painted him as a complete arsehole, were stuck in Snape's mind still.
"You peeled off my clothes, layer by layer,
and when we made love I gazed into your soul,
but you were just a player,
with an empty hole in your chest."
Obviously Kylie had conveniently forgotten the fact that Snape hadn't slept with her and he hadn't even kissed her.
"I thought we were forever,
I thought we were the perfect fit,
I imagined you'd leave me never,
but you turned out to be a lying shit."
Fabrications and exaggerations since Snape had never let her think he had feelings for her and that they could be in a relationship.
"You collect women's hearts like trading cards,
you make notches on your bedposts,
you cause heartbreak and pain worthy of The Bard,
and of your conquests you will boast…
You broke my heart, Mr. S.
I loved you much,
but you loved me less,
I would have done anything for you,
and now I see it was all too good to be true…
You broke my heart, Mr. S."
Snape shuddered involuntarily- maybe he should sue Kylie for not only making up lies and slandering his character but worse, letting people think he'd have ever have slept with her?
"You're very close with your sister, Kylie, aren't you?" Susannah asked Danni.
"Enormously. We've always been close but I think more so since I moved over to London and the rest of our family is back in Melbourne. Kylie's an amazing person, an amazingly strong woman, so incredibly talented, and just my role model really." Danni said.
"I think the way she dealt with her cancer would really inspire people." Trinie said.
Danni nodded. "Actually after she was diagnosed and beat the cancer the rates of women getting tested for cancer back in Australia really went up. And Kylie was so incredibly humbled by that. So because of her battle I'm actually donating 20% of all sales for the "Sisters" single and the album to the Cancer Council."
"Oh wow, what an awesome thing to do!" Susannah gushed.
Snape rolled his eyes.
Finally the show got down to business. The camera transported the three women from the hotel to the large studio-type apartment where Snape had been taken to see the footage of himself and his wardrobe.
"Tonight we see not one but two celebrities in dire need of a makeover." Susannah told the viewer. "And you'll see that one of them was less than pleased with the whole concept. We see our show as doing a public service, saving people from their fashion disasters and helping the rest of the country out by not subjecting them to some truly shocking, truly scary, outfits. Unfortunately our first guest didn't quite see it that way…"
"Presenting none other than the serial offending kookiest, strangest, by far worst dressed "celebrity" in the UK- Mr. Severus Snape!" Trinie said and the show cut to footage of Trinie, Susannah and Danni accosting Snape on the street and hit utter bewilderment and reluctance to get involved in the show. Surprisingly there was no mention of Snape's monetary compensation for appearing in the show although there was a close up of the look of disappointment on his face when told that the money allocated to him was for clothes only.
The cat television meowed plaintively but Snape ignored its plea.
There was an ad break and then the show came back on with Snape being hauled over the coals by the three women about his clothing choices. Seeing the footage of himself being shown the secret footage that the three women had obtained on a large screen made Snape wince anew. Even though he knew that everyone in the wizarding world would consider his attire perfectly normal Snape also knew that there were a lot of Muggles who would be almost falling off their seats laughing at this point. Bizarrely the first thought that came into his mind was 'I bet Lee-Manners thinks this is, like, totally, wicked.' The second thought was 'Please don't let Lalita see this because that will ruin any chance we ever have of getting things together.' And the third thought was 'Kill me now!'
"After seeing himself on camera Mr. Snape was forced to admit he wasn't exactly the most stylish of dressers. In fact he seemed extremely open to our suggestions about what kinds of clothes he should wear and we thought we were definitely going to have a major success story with him, but then things turned sour. We were too quick to congratulate ourselves." Susannah explained in a voice over. The footage showed Snape getting annoyed as the women went through his meager wardrobe, as Danni asked about whether he wore anything under the cloak, and they mocked his robe, wizards and everything else before, finally, he boiled over.
"I'm out." Snape said on-screen.
"What?" Trinie demanded on-screen.
"I don't care about who said I'd do what, I don't care about money you're offering me, I don't care about getting all these new, free clothes, I don't care about any of this shit." Snape snapped. "I. Am. Out."
"Mr. Snape I know seeing the footage of you was painful. But we take a tough-love approach on these sorts of things. This is a clothing intervention and, I'm sorry to say, you really do need it." Trinie said.
Snape shook his head obstinately. "No. Sorry but no." He said, tight-lipped and anger evident in every line of his face or body.
"We can help you Mr. Snape. We really can. We only picked celebrities for this special edition we knew we could help." Susannah pleaded.
The on-screen Snape shook his head one more, final, time, and left the room, slamming the door behind him so hard that the camera jumped with the movement.
Trinie and Susannah appeared on the screen again, with Danni in the middle, in the present. All looked a combination of disappointed, remorseful and even a little gleeful that Snape had given them such good television and Snape groaned audibly.
"Alas we tried to help Mr. Snape but he didn't seem to want our help." Trinie gravely intoned. "In fact throughout our time on this show he's been the first person to react so violently to our advice and storm out. Sure people have been offended, hurt, surprised that their clothing choices were so offensive when they'd never guessed, angry at themselves, their loved ones and even us, they've reacted in a whole myriad of ways. But never like Mr. Severus Snape. I can only surmise that he thinks, misguidedly, that he's setting some kind of fashion trend in that robe. Or that he really believes that clothes do not maketh the man and aren't extensions of our personalities, letting us show what we feel inside on the outside. Whatever the case we offered Mr. Snape our services, offered to help him on our award-winning, top-rating show, but he didn't want our help. If you're watching Mr. Snape- and I have a strong feeling you are- daggy clothes from the 80's, 70's, 50's, 30's, 20's and even from the 1800's will come back into fashion before that robe you wear all the time. The day I see a woman walking around with shingled hair with rolled waves and a flappers beaded headband, a 50's "Grease" style skirt and housewife's apron, a floral shirt with peace signs from the hippie era and shoulder pads on the shirt from the 80's might, remotely possibly, be the day that you are in style."
On the television screen a selection of shots of Snape were accompanied by a song that was vaguely familiar to Snape; a photo from his Wizarding University graduation, some stills from the "William The Wizard" movie, and a few taken from red-carpet and promotional activities rounded it out.
Snape sighed and transfigured the cat back into its proper form and it promptly ran from the room hastily. He'd known it was going to be pretty bad but somewhere in his mind a voice had kept telling him that maybe, just maybe, he was overreacting and it wasn't going to be too painful. The voice was wrong and needed to be locked up in a straightjacket at Saint Mungo's- maybe it could share a room with Lockhart since he'd probably end up back there again at some point. It had been worse than just embarrassing and annoying, especially since Snape thought it highly likely that many of the Hogwarts students had access to televisions or devices which allowed them to watch Muggle television and movies on them and not many of them would have passed up the chance to watch their potions teacher's humiliation.
As a general rule he had never cared an iota for what the Muggles thought of him but in this instance is was bothering him a little. He wasn't sure why but thought it might have had something to do with the fact that he was going to be, reluctantly, interacting with the Muggles very closely and in high quantities soon. After seeing Snape's performance on "What Not To Wear" those same Muggles might enjoy teasing him and annoying him even more so and working with them would be more unbearable than with the Hampton Production of William. The Minister for Magic didn't have any idea how much he was asking of Snape to film something that, in Snape's eyes and probably also the eyes of other wizards and witches, made fun of, glorified and misrepresented the wizarding world.
Snape had always had a problem with Muggles and also with letting half witch/half wizards who showed signs of magic, such as Granger, into Hogwarts. Occasionally he actually thought he understood why Voldemort had so many issues with Muggles- although the dark wizard was taking this dislike to the extreme. Not for the first time Snape wondered what Voldemort would think of his being on "William the Wizard" movie and mini-series. He felt a bit like he was caught between a rock (Fudge) and a hard place (Voldemort).
He stood up quickly, his chair falling over behind him with a loud crash. After a year of being a Muggle plaything and the butt of everyone's jokes, with another similar year yet to come, Snape was pretty tired of it all. The idea of moving to the South Pole- probably as far from Britain as was humanely possible to get- was bloody tempting. The next Muggle to cross his path, even if they didn't look twice at him, would likely cop a curse. And woe betide any Muggle, or perhaps even any wizard, who attempted to make fun of Severus Snape anytime soon!
Before going up to bed Snape decided to have a look at the one of the magazine's he'd bought in Diagon Alley after his meeting with Lee-Manners in London. Originally he'd thought to get the three magazines in Hogsmeade but then decided he was too well known in that area and the fact that Snape was buying magazine's targeted at teenage and twenty-something witches wasn't something he wanted bandied about. Snape opened his magically locked top drawer and moved aside "Fairy" to get to "CosmoWitch". Originally he'd decided not to read a single word written about him in Muggle or wizarding magazines nor any reviews of the movie but curiosity had gotten the better of him. And, when the first reviews from the sneak previews came out and declared the film magnificent he'd changed his rule and made a point of finding out what people thought. Even though he usually was left fuming at some of the articles he couldn't seem to get enough of the press on him- after all this was the first time in his life that Snape had ever had people appreciate him (even if this wasn't really what he wanted to be appreciated for), like him, in some cases even declare their love for him, and generally say good things about him. No wonder he was addicted.
Snape checked the contents page and flicked through to what he was searching for. He'd expected something bigger, in fact he'd been expecting a full size page, but instead it was just one of three reviews for movies currently on the cinema screens, a review of "The Flaming Cauldron's" latest "gig" and a play "Beaubaxtons" had put on. The review was headed "From the halls of Hogwarts to Hollywood: Did Severus Snape pull of playing a wizard in a Muggle movie?" and Snape began to read:
As "William the Wizard" begins to fade on our big screen ahead of its rushed release onto DVD many people are asking the question of whether Severus Snape, the potions master at "Hogwarts", pulled off playing the role of a wizard in a Muggle production? And my answer: hell yes he did! I admit to going into the cinema with the preconception that Snape was going to be the laughing stock of our community with a lack of emotional range essential in actors, wooden delivery of dialogue, and unbelievability in his role. I'd seen the reviews- how could I not have?- but people's movie tastes are subjective. Some people might say Zac Effron (little secret here: Effron's mother is actually part witch and was schooled right here in the UK at "Hogwarts" for about a year and a half before moving country) is destined for a long-lasting career even after his appeal to the tween generation is dead and buried, others argue that he's just a one-trick pony. Some people might think Bruce Willis has gone one better than Sylvester Stallone, whereas others might think he should stick to action sequences and not bother talking.
Back to "William the Wizard." The movie doubtless had impeccable pedigree; a "Hampton Productions" film, with Hampton himself directing in his first outing as a director for over six years after having collected countless Oscars, Emmy's, BAFTA's and many, many other award accolades during his long service to the business. The director and production team could have had absolutely any leading man they wanted- Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, to actors on our side of the "big Pond" like Clive Owen, Liam Neeson and Alan Rickman. After all who among them would have turned down a lead role in a Hampton production, a movie guaranteed to be a blockbuster and being hailed as major Oscar's chance before filming even began? Instead Hampton made the bold move of going with relative unknowns.
Emma Wilcox plays Wendy, the wife of the lead character, and before the movie her credits included a small part in a remake of "Jane Eyre", a three-story arc in perennial favourite "Doctor Who" and a blink-and-you-miss-it part in "Love Actually." She had, however, spent a fair bit of time strutting the boards on the West End in an original play by Monty Python's Michael Pallin as well as "Romeo and Juliet."
Severus Snape plays William. The story of how Snape came to get the part is already legendary with him walking through the auditions for the wizard and offering constructive criticism on the name of the dark wizard in the script as well as costumes and spells. To say I was skeptical about Snape's inclusion in the movie would be like saying that a goblin doesn't have a good fiscal plan and money in the bank or that fairy's aren't distracted by shiny things.
Movies about the magical world of witches and wizards are a Sickle a dozen so this witch went to see "WTW" expecting to see a movie crammed full of typical Muggle misconceptions about the wizarding world; very few Hollywood movies or television series' (think "Teen Witch", "Escape to Witch Mountain", "The Wizard of Mars", "Sabrina the Teenage Witch", "Charmed" and "Warlocks R Us" amongst them) hit the nail on the head. So when I didn't see people being turned into frogs, or having liberal sprinklings of "love potion" poured over their morning cereal or even being able to read other's minds in the first few minutes I suddenly realised that this movie just might be the exception to the rule. In fact the movie managed to make this hardened movie skeptic actually care about the main characters and by the end of the movie I was completely rooting for the good guys. In a "Knut-shell" the movie manages to both poke fun at the Muggle world- the best example being the inept British Prime Minister- as well as the wizarding world, all in all, making for a thoroughly entertaining movie that every witch and wizard should see.
Snape glanced at the key to the side of the page and saw that the movie had been rated "4 out of 5 Martinis- and make mine a dirty martini if Severus Snape is involved please!" He didn't realise he was holding his breath until he let it out in a whoosh.
"They loved me!" Snape said out loud, the strange words sounding, and tasting, unusual in his mouth.