-1I Don't Teach Too Well
Warnings: tonnes of swearing, shounen-ai, the usual.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
*smirk* This one was out of nowhere. Please be sure to read the A/N in the next chapter.
I hate Christmas. I hate New Years. I hate every flipping holiday our commercial world has come up with. But most of all, I hate Valentines day, and the Akatsuki's pumped up, retarded ideas that go along with it. Especially Kisame and Deidara's.
"C'mon 'Tachi! Valentines is all about doing good and being with the person you love!" Deidara is sooo annoying. "Kiz's idea is good, so why don't you give up the tough guy act and help out those poor kids? Besides, I hear a certain blondes in the scheme. You may get to see your beloved Naru-chan!"
A swift whack round the back of the head does Dei a world of good, I'm sure! I hate to say it, but the bastard touched a nerve. I haven't seen Naru since Christmas, and I'll admit I'm a little moody about the subject. Probably because that bloody pervert, Jiyaira, cam and burst in a dragged him off! I was so ready to kick his ass into nest week, stupid old man! And to make matters worse, they strengthened security around Konoha and Naru hasn't even tried to contact me! It's nearly Valentines day already and me so called 'boyfriend' so nowhere to be seen! I pout without realising it, how is it that Dei knows more about my boyfriend then I do? I cringe, okay, so I'm not being girly at all. (I've missed you denial!)
"Go on Itachi! Think of the children!"
"I don't give a fuck about the children!"
- X -
And thus, I end up sat in an overcrowded classroom staring at a bunch of deprived orphans. I'm supposed to be their teacher. I've let my hair down, changed from me usually cloak into a red t-shirt, black jacket and jeans. And I'm wearing tinted glasses so that nobody will recognise me, since there are a lot of Konoha kids here, including Naruto and my little brother; who both look like they're here very grudgingly.
"So… erm, children?" yeah, like I know what the fuck I'm supposed to do or say. This has to be the most awkward experience of my life, and guess who's fault it is? - well done if you guessed Deidara and Kisame's! you get a gold star! (heh! I can so do this teaching thing!) anyway, I know Naruto recognises me because he keeps fucking smirking. It's kind of depressing that he recognises me, and my own little brother doesn't seem too. I have to smile a little at that, either Naruto's more amazing then I originally thought, or Sasuke's just that useless. Or both.
"Teacher!" a small, annoying child is tugging at my sleeve and I realise I've been spacing. I look down and mentally cry - it's air freshener girl. You remember her? I can't put up with this right now, I'm trying hard not to embarrass myself in front of a bunch of orphans as it is! Wait… she's an orphan? Well now I feel like shit. Aww! I told her Santa wasn't real. Damn, that poor thing! I pout. I need to get out of that habit.
"Okay guys and girls, lets play a game!" I see Sasuke roll his eyes from the back of the room. He, and Naru, who's standing beside him, are easily the oldest here. Naru looks excited, aw! He's so cute! And I am such a kinky old man! - damn Kisame!
I put a hand behind my back and pull something out from the lunch box Deidara insisted on packing.
"Okay, I have something behind me back. It's round, red, and juicy. What is it?"
I half expect someone to say 'round, red and juicy', just to spite me. The kids all look slightly confused, but then a kid with glasses who's near the front sticks his hand up. I wave for him to have a guess, it is kind of obvious after all.
"A tomato?"
I blink. I hadn't thought that it could be a tomato as well. (I suck at my own game!).
"No, it's an apple, but I like the way you're thinking." I reach in the lunch box again. "New one, it's small, green and hairy"
A girl with blonde pigtails shove's her hand in the air almost immediately. I give her the signal as I see Naru shove his hand in his pocket and start whispering with Sasuke out of the corner of my eye.
"Is it a gooseberry?"
How does she get gooseberry so quickly? I give a shaky smile. "No, it's a kiwi. But I like the way you're thinking. Naru smirks at my repetition and I wonder if I just fell into a trap without even knowing it.
"Kay then sir!" he says, Sasuke raises an eyebrow at him, as if he wasn't sure the blonde would go through with it (whatever 'it' is). "Guess what I'm holding. It's round, it's hard, and it had a head on it."
Sasuke snorts and I make a face. Luckily, the kids look confused so I can guess they didn't get the joke.
"T-that's disgusting!" I choke out.
"It's a coin." Naruto grins cockily, and he nudges Sasuke, probably to show him how flustered I'm getting. "But I like the way you're thinking."
I cough a few times, and watch my darling brother try not to double over laughing. The kids still look confused and Deidara's just entered the room with impeccable timing as always. He's the assistant teacher by the way. Cuz really, it's not enough that they shove me in a classroom with a bunch of orphans, but they have to shove Deidara in there too. My. Life. Sucks!
"What's going on here then?" asks the hyperactive blonde (the elder of the two).
"Nothing, we were just playing a game." Deidara raises his eyebrows in a suggestive way and I am so tempted to flip him off, but then I remember I'm surrounded by a large amount of under ten year olds and stop myself. Dei just grins, so I promise myself I will definitely get him back when the small children have gone. And people wonder why I hate kids, you cant do anything interesting with them around!
"Okay kids!" shouts Dei, placing a brightly coloured box of something down on the nearest table. Most of the kids are sitting on the floor, or standing up, since the classroom is overcrowded. I myself have a chair, but it's small and plastic. "as we all know, Valentines day is coming up!" he grins. I don't. "So I thought we could all make a card for that special someone that we like!"
All the girls sigh dreamily, all they guys raise eyebrows and look awkward. Sasuke hits his forehead with the palm of his hand and for once in my life I totally sympathise with him. Dei takes out things from his magic box (not that I believe in magic) and I see cards in pinks, blues, yellows, oranges, reds and greens. I see glitter in all of the above , I see stick on love hearts, smiley's, stars and googly eyes. I see stencils, glues, tissue paper and LOADS of felt tip pens.
I feel slightly sick looking at all the 'gushy' stuff, but I hand it all out anyway and before long all children are working on their Valentines day cards. Sasuke rips up the yellow paper Naruto hands him to make his and glares. I feel like doing the same thing when Dei hands me bright pink paper.
"Why not make one for your special someone?" he giggles, I glare. "go on! Make a card!"
And so I do, it reads:
To Deidara, Fuck off. Love Itachi.
I hand it back to him with a painfully fake smile, he reads it, grins and then decides to cut off my oxygen supply with a particularly forceful hug.
"Oh my gosh! I love you too you big soft teddy bear!" teddy bear? That bastard!
My eye twitches quite dangerously. I look at all the blinking orphans, including Sasuke and Naruto.
"I'M NOT YOUR F-ING LOVER!!" I almost scream. No, I do scream. Deidara detaches himself from me.
"sorry 'Tachi" he says quietly, I can see him stealing glances at Naru and a hit him lightly round the head. He's just sooo annoying. "Let's go check on how the kids are doing!" he giggles, brightening up considerably. It takes a lot of effort not to whine that we're MASS MURDERERS. But I simply nod and begin to make the rounds. Pigtail girl has one signed from a question mark and addressed to a question mark as well, I'm guessing she means to the tall, dark and handsome stranger standing at the back of the room. Like every other girl in the room, she has her eye on my brother. Back to eye twitching. I'll repeat myself, why do people wonder why I hate children? What the hell's so fantastic about Sasuke anyway?
"It's the whole 'bad boy edge' thing he's got going on" I blink repeatedly at the blonde in front of me. I freaking like blinking. Bitch. Wait, when did Naru start telling me shit about Sasuke? Last time I checked the whole Ita/Naru/Sasu triangle was a taboo. Oh, since when the fuck did I care? And WHEN am I going to learn to keep me thoughts to myself and not say them out loud? Grr!
"So, do you like the 'bad boy edge'?" I ask quietly, trying not to sound insanely jealous. Which tends to happen a lot, even when I'm not jealous. I just hope to god neither Sasuke or Deidara actually hear me, because jeez that would be annoying since I hate Dei and can't risk Sasuke figuring out who I am.
"err… what? Sure."
So, there is something going on between him and Sasuke?
"Sorry Ita, I wasn't paying attention, what did you say?" I breath a sigh of relief, then glare some more. Glaring's so much fun!
"Jeez Naruto, your reaction time's longer then your attention span!"
Naruto's eyes narrow at me. I, for one, do not feel he has the right to glare at me. I'm the one stuck in this retarded scheme as a teacher, he has it easy!
"Why are you glaring Naru?" I ask begrudgingly, raising an eyebrow. Air freshener girl comes along with Deidara trailing her.
"Sir, sir, sir!"
I look down.
"Can you help me cut the card?" she asks cutely.
"Couldn't Dei do that?" I ask, she pouts.
"I want you to do it!" she says, holding out the scissors. Naruto grabs them away before I can take them.
"Sorry, but he has to be careful too, he's not allowed anything sharp, like a mind." he says spitefully, glaring at me. I just blink at him, Deidara blinks at him and then at me, and Sasuke comes up behind Naruto and blinks as well. I wonder if we can start a trend, the blinking trend!
"What the hell was that about?" I ask, just a little hesitantly. He continues to glare. "what?… an inferiority complex? Are you annoyed because I'm here in a position that has power? You make it out as if I have no mind, but if I didn't have a mind I wouldn't be the teacher!"
Naruto sneers. "Inferiority complex? Low blow Itachi, it's almost as if you're scared!"
"Itachi?" asks the ever loving little brother.
"Shut up Sasuke," Naru cutes him off before he can go on a rant. "Are you scared? But no that's right, you don't know the meaning of the word fear. But then again, you don't know the meaning of most words."
Who does he think he is?
"Look, I'm just asking what's on your mind… if you'll forgive the overstatement!" I attack back. Dei 'tsks', probably at me arguing with a teenager. Air freshener girl watches on as we glare at each other. Sasuke has also stopped blinking and is also glaring at me. I'm guessing he clicked that I just happen to be his older brother.
"What's on my mind?!" Naru all but screams at me, I'm tempted to run and hide or something because of the ferocity of it, but I'm trying to hold on to what little pride I have left, and this is when the small, seemingly innocent blonde goes into full blown rant mode (he may actually be worse then Sasuke when it comes to rants). And I am actually blown away by the fact he can shout so much.
"Well, first off you can stop being so arrogant! Although yes, I am surprised you have a real job as I was under the impression you just waited under bridges and scared little children!" Deidara sniggers and I shoot him an Uchiha glare. "you being here is SOOO not the reason why I'm angry!"
I raise an eyebrow, "then why are you angry?"
"Why am I angry?!?" I nod, that is what I asked, well done clever clogs. "I'm angry because we" - he point's between the two of us - "are supposed to be lovers!"
I avert my eyes from the stares of my brother and the orphans, and the triumphant smirk from Deidara. I don't really get Naruto's point, so I'm half glad when he continues.
"I wasn't sure, I figured lovers love each other and so I'm confused as to why you two" - he points between me and Deidara. - "look more like lovers then it seems we ever will." his eyes have begun to fill with tears and I avert my eyes again. I hate it when he cries. And I swear to God I am about to open my mouth and say something to console him, and tell him there's no way in hell I'd like Deidara even a quarter as much as I like him (jeez I'm such a sap) but I don't even get a chance. Naruto's enveloped into what looks like a bone crushing hug by the other blonde.
"Oh Naruto-kun! You're sooo adorable! I can see why Ita-chan loves you! Oh sweetie! you've nothing to worry about! We were just kidding earlier on, teasing each other ya know? He really is in love with you and if he doesn't tell you that every single day then you just come see Aunty Dei-chan and I'll short him out for you okay?"
Naru gives me that 'okay, I forgive you, save me!' look, and looks thoroughly scared. All I can think of is that;
1. Deidara shouldn't just spurt out my feelings to people.
2. There are a bunch of orphans watching.
3. One of those orphans is my brother.
4. Shit.
5. Why did Deidara call himself 'Aunty' -he's a guy! And we're mass murderers!
Naru breaks free and tackles me. "I'm sorry, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, I know you'd never cheat on me with Aunty Dei-chan! Here's your valentines card!" wow, he picked up on the 'aunty Dei-chan' bit pretty quickly. That seemed to come very naturally. He shouts it all into my chest and nuzzles! I cringe as I see Deidara grin at the orphans.
"And that's what love is kids!" he says cheekily as I take the orange, black and red card that Naru hands me. Inside there's a drawn picture of us at Christmas. Dammit! I love Naru some times! I look at the kids, I think we gave Sasuke a heart attack.
Yeah, I don't teach too well. But it's not all that bad.
"Hey 'Tachi-chan? When did you get your ears pierced?"
"Hey Itachi? Where's my Valentines card?"
On second thoughts, one hyperactive kid's enough. I hate teaching!